Garage Band

Garage Band
By
Christopher B. Ramsdell
inspired by the music of Adam Sandler
October, 2015 Christopher B. Ramsdell
3388 Ridge Road
Williamson, NY 14589
(585)414-3307
[email protected]
GARAGE BAND
By
Parker Eastman
Inspired by the music of Adam Sandler
INT. ADAM’S GARAGE- FRIDAY NIGHT
OPENING CREDITS ROLL:
Adam is in his two car attached garage playing Guitar Hero
on a small black and white portable TV. Only the TV’s screen
lights the dark garage. Adam’s ranking perfect on "My Hero"
by Foo Fighters. His stare is intense. His fingering
expert.
Adam’s button-up work shirt has his name on his chest along
with grease stains on his cuffs and collar. He makes
special faces as he plays his game.
Scattered around for his performance are various Boston Red
Sox bobble head figures sharing shelves with oil cans and
car wax. A small rubber vampire from Halloween peeks a smile
from his cardboard box on a shelf overhead.
Underneath, a kicker’s football helmut and ball share shelf
space with bike helmets and air and oil filters. On the
floor in front of Adam, a porcelain monkey butler holds his
bottle of root beer and spilled bag of chips.
A patio chair is set up next to his wife’s rusting station
wagon. The car’s hood is slightly open. Against the back
wall of the garage are guitars with broken strings kept
company by various pieces of a cherry red drum set, half
covered in a tarp. An old set of golf clubs lie against
them.
Posters tacked to the garage walls include: a movie poster
from The Who’s "Tommy"; a concert poster from "The Bangles
1986 World Tour"; an autographed team poster of the 1988
Boston Red Socks and a poster of "Hyper-Bunny and his Cool
Bunny Crew and Bestest Friends", the last being a fictional
cartoon.
A calender hanging on the wall by the door shows May’s month
as a 1966 Red Corvette. Each day on the calender has
colorful feminine written reminders of various chores such
as "Put Out Bin" on Tuesdays, "Bring In Bin" on Wednesdays
and "Pick up boys from soccer at 430 pm" on Fridays. The
Saturday after next is marked in red as "Date Night" and is
circled in a heart.
Adam finishes his song to a roaring applause from the single
speaker on the tiny TV. He raises his hands and toy guitar
over his head, victorious.
CREDITS END:
2.
Adam grabs his root beer and a handful of chips from his
monkey butler and falls back into the patio chair, a little
too proud of himself.
The garage door that leads to the house opens. Adam hides
his root beer and tosses his chips.
The lights blare on. His wife stands in the doorway, holding
a bag of trash. She sets it down on the garage floor.
JANE
Oh, there you are. I was wondering
where you were.
ADAM
I just finished checking your
oil. You’re all good.
Adam stands and wipes his hands on his pants. He turns off
the TV and closes the hood of her car.
JANE
Thanks, honey. Here.
(she nudges the garbage bag
with her foot)
Don’t forget to take the bins to
the road. It’s Tuesday.
ADAM
I know its Tuesday, I can read.
Adam points to the calender. Jane pulls out a green pen and
marks the calendar.
JANE
Its a nice calendar. You like cars.
I’m adding sweep the deck. It’s
supposed to be warm next
weekend. You can do it after work
on Thursday.
ADAM
Yes, dear.
Adam picks up the bag of garbage. Jane pushes a button on
the wall and opens the garage doors to the driveway. Adam
places the bag in the bin and begins to roll the bin down
the driveway.
ADAM
Tell the kids I’ll be in in a
minute.
3.
JANE
They requested no performance
tonight.
ADAM
What?
JANE
They had a meeting and agreed that
they are too old for your nightly
routine.
ADAM
But I always sing them a bed time
song! Since, forever.
JANE
They think they grew out of it.
ADAM
Even Beatrice?
JANE
I guess so.
Jane goes back into the house and closes the door.
Adam sadly rolls his garbage to the curb.
Across the street, a neighbor waves to Adam as he places out
his bin to his curb. Adam gives him a half of a nod and
heads home.
BEATRICE’S BEDROOM
Beatrice is Adam’s youngest, a four year old darling. She’s
cozy in bed kept company by her Teddy Bear, a Stuffed
Monster and a tattered blankie. A unicorn nightlight shines
on the table by her side.
Adam comes into her room, quietly tip-toeing..
ADAM
You asleep?
BEATRICE
I don’t know.
ADAM
You don’t know if you’re asleep?
4.
BEATRICE
Yes.
ADAM
You’re talking so you must be
awake.
BEATRICE
People can talk in their sleep, you
know.
ADAM
I know. Are you?
BEATRICE
I don’t know.
Adam sits on the side of her bed.
ADAM
What’s this I hear that you’re all
grown up now and you don’t want me
to sing anymore?
BEATRICE
I grew up. It happens.
ADAM
When?
BEATRICE
At school.
ADAM
School’s a where, not a when.
BEATRICE
I’m in prekindergarten now you
know.
ADAM
Yes, I know. I’ve put you on the
bus every weekday since September.
I pay your school taxes. What does
prekindergarten have to do with
being too grown up for a bedtime
song?
BEATRICE
Kid’s in prekindergarten are too
big for their Daddy’s to sing them
songs at bedtime. Everyone knows
that. It’s common knowledge.
5.
ADAM
Who told you that? Who put you up
to this?
BEATRICE
No one put me up. I just grew
up. It’s the natural
progression. People say it has to
happen.
ADAM
What people? Your brothers?
BEATRICE
I don’t know.
ADAM
You know. I’ve been singing you
all a song before bed since the
days before you were born. Before
any of you were born. I even used
to sing to you before you left your
Mommy’s belly.
BEATRICE
I was in her uterus and yes, I
know. I remember.
ADAM
I haven’t missed a night,
ever. Never ever. Now Mommy tells
me I’m no longer wanted. Fired
from being your Daddy. No one
wants me anymore?
He makes a sad face. Beatrice sits up and gives her father
a hug. Adam hugs her tight for as long as he can.
BEATRICE
You’re still my Daddy! I’m just
supposed to go to sleep by myself,
that’s all. That’s all I meant.
ADAM
But what about me? How am I
supposed to sleep? I can’t sleep
without a song.
BEATRICE
Didn’t you ever grow up?
6.
ADAM
No.
BEATRICE
Poor Daddy.
She psts his head.
ADAM
So can I sing?
BEATRICE
Sing to yourself but not to me,
ok? Because I’m supposed to grow
up I guess.
ADAM
OK.
Beatrice lies down and cozies herself into bed.
Adam picks up a little pink Barbie guitar decorated with
crayon scribbles and stickers.
ADAM
Do you mind if I borrow your
guitar?
BEATRICE
You can’t keep it but you can use
it.
ADAM
Thank you.
He gives the guitar a quick tune.
ADAM
Already in tune. Nioe.
He finds a small straw pink cowgirl hat and places it on his
head.
ADAM
Should I sing loud or soft?
BEATRICE
I don’t care.
ADAM
You don’t care? Good, then I’ll
sing loud.
Adam begins screaming a song by The Who.
7.
ADAM (SCREAMING)
Hear Me! Feel Me! Touch Me! Just
hear Me!
Beatrice sits up in bed and puts a hand on his guitar.
BEATRICE
Let’s tone it down mister.
ADAM
Sorry. Too much? How about
this? You like this one.
Adam sings a song from Sesame Street.
ADAM (SINGING)
Sing. Sing a song. Sing out
loud. Sing out strong!
BEATRICE
That song is for babies.
ADAM
Babies huh. I strongly disagree
but ok. How about this one?
Adam begins singing "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor.
ADAM (SINGING)
It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the
thrill of the hunt. Rising up to
the challenge of our rivals!
Angry banging of the walls interrupts his song.
WILL (O.S.)
Thanks alot. You woke me up. And
I’ve got a big test tomorrow. If I
fail, it’s your fault. Quiet down
babies!
ADAM
Tough crowd.
BEATRICE
Maybe you should wrap this up. The
boys gets grumpy.
ADAM
But I’m still not ready for
sleep. One more?
8.
BEATRICE
Make it quick.
ADAM
Quick huh? Mommy says that’s my
specialty. Let me think... Ok,
here’s an old favorite. This is a
song for a very special lady in my
life. She knows who she is and she
knows that I love her so very much.
Adam stands with the guitar and adjusts his pants and
hat. Beatrice rolls over away from him, pretending to
sleep.
Adam begins playing "Dip Doodle" by Adam Sandler. He
changes a few words.
ADAM (SINGING)
Jabawokee ding dong. Slip slap
slee. Dipstick paddywhack. Pee
pee googalee gee. Polly wolly
sling slang. Skooey dibbely
doo. Wing wong, ping pong, King
Kong, Cheech and Chong, Hop hip
Kagagoogoo.
Beatrice rolls towards her father and smiles.
ADAM (SINGING)
Hickory dickery slickery flip flap.
Dip skip to my lou. Flim flam wham
blam Sam bam Cunningham. Whack
snack, koochie koochie koo. Plus
you gotta dip, you gotta doodle,
you gotta eat Mommies stroodle.
Beatrice laughs and hugs her stuffed friends. Adam smiles.
ADAM (SINGING)
’Cause she stayed up all night to
make it from scratch. You gotta
gish, you gotta gash. You gotta
wax Mommy’s moustache and lay out
her socks to make sure they match.
Jane walks by the door carrying a basket of laundry.
JANE
Hey!
Adam and Beatrice share a laugh.
9.
ADAM (SINGING)
Whoa, you gotta help out your
Mommy.
Beatrice lays her hands behind her head and enjoys her
father’s song with a smile.
ADAM (SINGING)
Slappety dappety sling skism
skasm Bing bang boo. A yip, a
yap, a snippety snap. Walla walla
scrappy dappy doo. Piddle paddle
fiddle faddle widdle waddle, awhee,
clunkety clang. A plop, a fizz, a
whackety whiz. Chitty chitty bang
wang lang.
Beatrice silently mouths the lyrics to her Dad’s song.
ADAM (SINGING)
Zippety doo dang lipedee ay, oompa
loompa doo. A piggle wiggly dooda
stinky winky linky foo man choo.
Beatrice laughs.
ADAM (SINGING)
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta
doodle. You gotta shave Mommy’s
poodle. ’Cause Mommy would do the
same for you.
You gotta libby, you gotta labby.
ADAM (WHISPERING)
You gotta hug Mommy even though
she’s getting flabby.
Jane enters the room carrying some laundry. She begins to
put it away.
JANE
I heard that.
ADAM (SINGING)
’Cause you know Mommies are people
too. Whoa, you gotta love your
Mommy.
ADAM
Your mommy is so cool.
Beatrice smiles at her mommy. Jane smiles back.
10.
ADAM (SINGING)
Now if you listened to the words of
this song, you know they’re coming
straight from the heart. Never
make fun of your Mommy even when
she rips a juicy fart.
They share another laugh. Jane finishes putting away
clothes and waits in the doorway.
ADAM (SINGING)
And remember to dip, you gotta
doodle you gotta tell Will to stop
playing with his noodle.
Will bangs the wall.
ADAM (SINGING)
’Cause Mommy said it will make him
go blind.
You gotta gipper, you gotta giper.
Beatrice sits up and joins him in his song.
ADAM AND BEATRICE (SINGING)
You gotta change Mommy’s diaper
and then pretend that you really
didn’t mind. Whoa, respect to the
Mommy.
Jane claps as Will angrily bangs the wall. Beatrice yawns.
JANE
Ok. Thank you Daddy.
ADAM
My pleasure. Anyone up for an
encore?
JANE
I think that should do it.
Jane kisses her daughter and tucks her into her bed. Jane
takes the guitar and hat from Adam and leans them against
the wall. She leaves. Adam pets his daughter’s head.
ADAM
Good night, sweetie. I love you.
BEATRICE
Before you go, can you fix Senor
Unicorn? He’s crooked again.
11.
Adam repositions the Unicorn night light on the bedside
stand.
ADAM
How’s this?
BEATRICE
A little to the left.
He moves it a little to the left.
ADAM
Like this?
BEATRICE
Too much.
He moves it back a little.
ADAM
Then like this.
BEATRICE
Eh, close enough.
Beatrice rolls over. Adam begins to leave. Beatrice calls
to him.
BEATRICE
And before you go, can you put my
monster under my bed for me?
Beatrice gives her stuffed monster a kiss and hands it to
Adam. Adam pats it on the head and tucks it under her
bed. He kisses his daughter’s forehead before he leaves.
ADAM
I love you so much.
BEATRICE
I know.
HALLWAY OUTSIDE BEATRICE’S ROOM
Jane is in the hallway holding an empty plastic bag. A
miniature black poodle does the potty dance around her.
JANE
Feel needed now? Someone else
needs you too. Uncle Lou has to
poo.
12.
ADAM
Great. Well, at lease someone
needs me.
Adam takes the bag. Jane punches Adam hard in the arm.
JANE
And that’s for saying I’m flabby.
ADAM
Ouch, why’d you hit so hard? Your
hand is so bony.
JANE
Remember that.
She gives her husband a kiss on the cheek. The poodle
whines.
JANE
And don’t just stand in the front
yard. Take Lou for a walk. He’s
getting chunky like you.
Jane picks up a basket of laundry from the hallway’s floor
and walks away, leaving Adam holding the leash.
OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE
Adam stands impatiently as his leashed poodle decides on a
spot.
ADAM
Come on already, Lou! No matter
where you go, I’m just gonna have
to pick it up. Make it snappy.
The poodle poopy dances some more as he sniffs the ground,
still undecided.
The outdoor lights to his house quickly turn on and off
several times.
ADAM
How about we walk over to Tim and
Judy’s? You usually like to
fertilize their yard.
13.
Adam begins walking his dog down his neighborhood’s
street. Quaint houses with small attached garages lie
behind the small green front lawns and similar
mailboxes. The street is quiet and darkened with only the
faint hues of televisions glaring from a few people’s
windows.
Adam’s dog finds a spot to go, in the middle of one of his
neighbor’s driveway. The poodle begins to squat.
Suddenly the house’s outdoor lights come on and the garage
door opens. A giant man begins to drag his garbage to the
curb.
Adam nervously tries to pull his dog away from it’s duty on
the man’s driveway.
GIANT MAN
Hey! You better clean that up!
ADAM
He’s just walking.
Adam tugs his dog’s leash. Uncle Lou still has to poo.
GIANT MAN
Looks like he was pooping!
ADAM
He just walks funny. Not pooping
here. Already pooped at home.
The giant man pushes his bin to the curb, looks around his
driveway for poop and then gets in Adam’s face. Adam
scurries away, dragging Lou.
GIANT MAN
You better have a bag.
Adam waves his plastic bag at the man and hurries his dog
down the street.
A few houses down, Lou finishes his business beside a
neighbor’s rosebush. Adam bends over and pretends to pick
up the poop with his bag but only knocks it further under
the bush.
As he turns to head home, he runs into DAVID, walking his
Great Dane, REX.
14.
David is a thin blond man with perfect hair and a razor thin
mustache and soul patch. He wears an outfit entirely of
Nike apparel, from his shoes to his shorts to his shirt,
wristbands and headband. His shirt loudly reads "Just Do
It!" David carries a large shovel, resting it on his
shoulder.
His dog Rex is almost as tall as David. Rex sniffs the
poodle’s butt, lifting it into the air. Rex then licks
Adam’s face.
DAVID
Hi, Adam. Long time no see.
ADAM
Hey, Dave.
DAVID
It’s David. My friends call me
David.
ADAM
Ok. David.
DAVID
So, out pooping I see. Us too.
ADAM
No pooping for me. Just heading
home.
DAVID
We just started. He’s so fussy
about where he parks for a
squat. Not me.
David begins to twirl his shovel.
ADAM
Well, good luck to him.
Adam begins to walk away. David puts his shovel by his side
and continues talking.
DAVID
So, how’s Will doing in the ninth
grade? I see he has Ms. Vincent
for homeroom. Tough break.
ADAM
He’s fine, thanks for asking.
15.
DAVID
He was always such a good
student. So polite and behaved.
And talented, not like some of
those others.
ADAM
Yeah. Thanks. I’ll be...
DAVID
I see Beatrice started this year in
Ms. Cathy’s prekindergarten. Good
for her. Thank God she didn’t get
Ms. Kathy with a K. That chick is
nuts. How does Beatrice like
school?
ADAM
She likes it I guess. She seems to
have fun.
DAVID
School should be fun, I
agree. That’s why I love teaching
elementary music. I should have
Beatrice as soon as she goes to the
full day program next year. We’ll
have a blast.
ADAM
Yeah, my kids always had nice
things to say about you.
DAVID
Really? Like what?
ADAM
Um, I don’t know. That you were
nice, I guess.
DAVID
Just nice?
ADAM
Yeah, they liked you and said you
did a good job.
David starts to cry. Adam gets very uncomfortable.
DAVID
My God, that is just what I needed
to hear. Thank you so much. It’s
just so hard you know. The kids
(MORE)
16.
DAVID (cont’d)
keep coming and going and some
become your friends but they leave
you, they always leave you after
middle school. And they never even
say goodbye most of the time. I
try so hard not to let it bother
me. Terrance says I’m too
sensitive for this business.
David pulls out a Nike handkerchief and dabs his eyes.
Adam doesn’t know how to respond. He gives him a supportive
pat on the arm.
ADAM
Nah. You’re doing great. It’s
getting late.
Adam turns to leave. TERRANCE is suddenly up in his
face. He seems concerned.
TERRANCE
What’s all this then?
Terrance, David’s husband, is a serious looking man with
thick framed glasses and slicked back greasy hair. He’s
dressed from head to toe in Adidas apparel. A couple of gold
chains hang around his neck. He gets up on Adam.
DAVID
Oh, Terry, Adam just said the
sweetest thing. He’s such a dear.
TERRANCE
Were you hitting on my husband?!
ADAM
No! I wasn’t really even talking
to him! He was doing all the
talking.
Terrance turns to David.
TERRANCE
Were you talking about me again?
He turns to Adam.
TERRANCE
Was he talking about me? What did
he say about me?
17.
Terrance’s face becomes red with anger. David places a
gentle hand on his spouse.
DAVID
No, of course no one was talking
about you. Adam was just raving on
about me.
ADAM
All I said, Terry, was that my kids
liked your husband’s class. That’s
all. I’ve gotta go.
Adam begins to walk away again. Terrance stops him with a
hand to the chest.
TERRANCE
It’s Terrance.
ADAM
What?
TERRANCE
You will refer to me as Terrance.
ADAM
What did I say?
TERRANCE
You called me Terry. It’s
Terrance.
ADAM
I called you Terry?
TERRANCE
Yes you did.
ADAM
Terry? I said Terry? You sure I
said Terry?
TERRANCE
Yes.
ADAM
Ok, Terrance. I won’t call you
Terry anymore. Sorry about the
whole Terry thing. Me saying Terry
won’t happen again.
18.
TERRANCE
Make sure of it.
Adam walks his dog home, leaving an angry Terrance.
TERRANCE
That guy wants you?
DAVID
Oh, we were just pooping our dog’s
together and then he said how his
kid’s loved me and that I was their
favorite teacher. That’s all.
TERRANCE
That guy was hitting on you. I
know it. I go away for a couple of
weeks on business and now your best
friends with the guy who doesn’t
pick up his poop?!
DAVID
He had a bag. I saw it.
TERRANCE
Now you’re defending him?! I
suppose you want to marry him
too! Move to Utah!
David gives Terrance a hug.
DAVID
You always get like this when
you’re gone too long. Such a
jealous daddy.
Rex licks Terrance’s face. He smiles.
DAVID
Let’s get Daddy home and into some
nice warm jammies and a bottle of
merlot.
TERRANCE
I could use a bath first.
DAVID
Oh, such a dirty boy.
The couple head home.
19.
ADAM’S KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING
Adam is leaning against the kitchen sink, eating a bowl of
Cheerios as he stares at his kids eating their breakfast at
the table.
WILL is a 14 year old boy wearing headphones. He wears a
black "Insane Clown Posse" t-shirt. His head has lots of
hair gel to keep his hair over his face. His wrists are
covered with bands and bracelets. He angrily stabs his
waffles.
His younger brother BOBBY sits next to him, in a plain black
Under Armour t-shirt. His hair is short, his face innocent.
He wears headphones as he stabs his waffles, mimicking his
brother.
Beatrice eats dry Cheerios from off the table, using only
her hands. She happily chows, still in her pajamas.
Will nudges Beatrice and hands her a spoon. Beatrice
struggles to spoon the Cheerios as they slide around the
table.
Adam gives Will a concerned look. He takes a bowl from the
cupboard, pours some Cheerios into the bowl and places it in
front of Beatrice. Beatrice chows her cereal, using both
her spoon and free hand.
Will mumbles to himself.
WILL
Baby.
ADAM
You say something?
WILL
No.
Jane enters the kitchen. She’s ready for work. She takes
the name tag off her waitress uniform and places it in her
pocket.
JANE
Good morning family. How did
everyone sleep?
WILL, BOBBY AND BEATRICE
Fine.
20.
JANE
Good. What are my choices for
breakfast?
ADAM
Cheerios or toaster waffles?
JANE
Oh, good choices. I’ll take some
wheat toast with peach preserves
and a green tea with lemon to
go. Thanks dear.
She kisses her husband’s cheek and sits at the table with
her children. Adam begins preparing her order.
JANE
Big plans today?
WILL
No.
BOBBY
No.
Beatrice hands her mom a spoonful of Cheerios and
smiles. Jane smiles as she eats her treat.
JANE
How about you, honey?
ADAM
I guess I’m dropping Bobby off at
soccer, then Will off to the skate
park then Beatrice and I were going
to wing it until I had to pick
everyone back up.
JANE
Don’t you people talk? Soccer is
canceled; the make up is on
Wednesday after school, it’s on
your calendar. The coach threw out
his back again. And the skate park
is closed until further notice.
Adam looks out the window at the weather.
ADAM
Looks nice out. Why is it closed?
21.
BOBBY
Someone spray painted swear words
all over the ramps and
slides. It’s closed until they
paint it.
ADAM
When is that?
WILL
I don’t know.
JANE
I think Tim and Judy are looking in
to it.
WILL
Sucks we can’t still use it.
JANE
Don’t say sucks. I know, it’s too
bad someone defaced that lovely
park. I blame the hoodlums.
ADAM
And the vagrants. Dead beats too.
JANE
Possibly riff-raff.
ADAM
Just plain punks.
BEATRICE
What words did they write on the
ramps?
BOBBY
I don’t know.
BEATRICE
Was it poop?
WILL
No.
BEATRICE
Was it doodie?
WILL
No.
22.
BEATRICE
Was it vagina?
ADAM
All right. Enough guessing the
words. Everyone just eat.
JANE
Beatrice, vagina isn’t a bad
word. It’s a part of our
bodies. Who told you it was a bad
word?
BEATRICE
Daddy doesn’t like it when I say
it.
ADAM
It just sounds wrong being said by
you. I don’t need to hear about
it.
JANE
He’s just sensitive is all.
BEATRICE
So I can say vagina?
JANE
Only if you have to, but not too
much around Daddy.
BEATRICE
How about butthole?
Adam laughs. Jane glares at him.
JANE
No. You can’t say butthole.
Beatrice turns toward her brothers.
BEATRICE
Was it butthole? Did they write
butthole?
Her brothers shake their heads no.
BEATRICE
What was it? Stupid head?
23.
JANE
Let’s not worry about what word
they wrote. It’s just too
bad. That is such a nice park. I
was so happy when they finally
built it for you kids. It got you
outside and out of the house.
ADAM
Yeah, this horrible place. Now the
park’s just a hangout for teenagers
with nothing better to do.
BEATRICE
Was it frigging? Was the word
frigging? Did they write frigging?
Will snaps at her.
WILL
No! They wrote douche-bag mother
fu...!
Adam and Jane stop him.
ADAM AND JANE
Whoa! Hey!
JANE
We don’t need to discuss this
anymore. It was wrong and naughty
and I hope someone fixes it
soon. Moving on, seems everyone’s
calender is open today except
mine. You should make some family
plans together.
ADAM
Well, Will could mow and trim the
front lawn and Bobby could pull the
weeds on the side of the
house. Beatrice can supervise
while I take a nap.
WILL
Typical.
JANE
No. No chores. Do something fun
while I’m stuck at work all day on
a beautiful Saturday, slaving my
life away for spare change. I
insist. How about a
movie? Anything good playing?
24.
BEATRICE
Hyper Bunny Two and the Blue Goo
Fiasco!
BOBBY
That’s for babies.
BEATRICE
Is not!
ADAM
We’ve seen it twice. That’s more
than enough. Why would we sit
indoors on a day like today and
waste our money on a movie? We’ll
figure something out. I’m gonna go
top off your wiper fluids. See you
when you get home.
He kisses his wife and leaves. Will and Bobby stand. Will
places his dishes in the sink and leaves. Bobby rinses his
dishes and places them in the dishwasher before following
his brother out.
JANE
Don’t have your father let you play
video games all day. Promise me
you’ll do something together.
Bobby gives his mom a shy smile. He leaves. Jane’s toast
pops from the toaster.
Beatrice places some Cheerios on the table in front of
Jane. She smiles. Jane smiles. They enjoy some Cheerios
together for a moment.
BEATRICE
Mommy?
JANE
Yes sweetness.
BEATRICE
What’s a douche-bag?
WILL’S BEDROOM
Will is lying on his bed playing a game on his cell
phone. Bobby is on the floor beside him, doing the same.
"Cherry Pie (I Need a Freak)" by Insane Clown Posse blares
from Will’s stereo.
25.
Adam enters the bedroom. He shakes his head in disgust and
turns off the music. Will sighs an angry sigh. Bobby
mimics him.
WILL
I was listening to that.
ADAM
You can listen later. Your mom
gets home in a couple of hours. I
need you guys to smell like the
outdoors. Come out to the garage
with me.
WILL
Do we have to?
BOBBY
Yeah, do we have to?
ADAM
Yes. No choice. Come on.
WILL
Great. We get to do his yard work
some more.
ADAM
No work. This is going to be fun.
Adam leaves. The boys go back to their phones.
GARAGE- A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Adam is on his knees, tightening the lugs on the bass drum
of the cherry red drum set. Beatrice is behind the set,
tuning the floor tom. Two guitars with amplifiers are
already set up nearby.
Beatrice begins tuning the tom above Adam’s head.
Adam looks at the time on his watch.
ADAM
Beatrice. Can you go get your
brothers for me?
BEATRICE
Sure Daddy.
Beatrice opens the door to the house. She screams a
bellowing call.
26.
BEATRICE (SCREAMING)
Bobby!!! Willy!!! Get your
vaginas out here now!!! Dad said
so!!!
ADAM
Thank you. Let’s not over use that
word, ok? Remember what Mommy
said.
BEATRICE
Ok Daddy.
Bobby and Will creep into the garage. They look annoyed as
they tuck their phones into their pockets.
WILL
What now?
ADAM
Come on. Fresh air and fun, just
like I promised.
BOBBY
Where’s the fresh air?
Adam presses the garage door button. The doors lift and
open.
ADAM
There. Fresh air.
Beatrice grabs a helmet and her tricycle. She brings both
to Adam. He helps her with her helmet.
ADAM
Will, grab a guitar. Bobby, take
the skins. I’ll play rhythm.
WILL
I don’t want to. This is lame.
BOBBY
Me neither.
Adam hands Will a guitar as Beatrice drives off.
ADAM
No, this will be fun. Come
on. You’ll see.
27.
WILL
I can’t. My wrist hurts.
BOBBY
Yeah. Me too. I hurt it in
soccer. Ouch!
Bobby holds his wrist.
WILL
Can we go? Please?
ADAM
No, come on, guys!
BOBBY
My wrist really hurts. Ow!
Adam takes out his wallet.
ADAM
Give me one hour of your
time. Here. Here’s twenty bucks
apiece. That’s twenty dollars an
hour. More than than your mom
makes.
WILL
I’ll do it for forty.
BOBBY
Yeah. Me too.
ADAM
Forty? Shysters. I don’t have two
more twenties. All I have are a
couple of fifties.
BOBBY
I’ll do it for fifty.
WILL
If he gets fifty, then I want
fifty.
ADAM
Fifty dollars for an hour of your
time? You’re not a couple of
doctors.
WILL
Then no deal.
Adam hands them each a fifty.
28.
ADAM
Fine, shysters! Will, put on a
guitar. I already tuned
everything. Bobby, give us a beat.
Bobby begins a beat on the drums.
ADAM
No, Bobby. A little faster. Speed
it up.
Bobby speeds up his beat considerably.
ADAM
No not that much. Bring it down to
maybe around a 144 and try for a
double on the fourth.
Bobby plays as per ordered.
ADAM
Ok, good! Now Will, start
strumming the A chord.
Will strums an A. Adam takes his hand.
ADAM
Will, try to keep your fingers like
this. You’ve gotta keep it tighter
on the strings. Bobby, keep the
beat going. You’re slowing
down. Never stop playing.
Adam joins in with the A chord he wants. Will copies him.
ADAM
Will, it sounds loose
again. You’re not doing it
right. You haven’t playing in so
long. I blame those damn phones
and that stupid skateboard. Here,
try a C progression to E.
Adam plays. Will tries to copy him but plays it much slower
and with a lot less confidence.
ADAM
Ok, that was terrible. Try again.
Will tries again.
29.
ADAM
Still terrible. Again.
WILL
You know what? Forget it! You
can’t pay me enough!
He drops his guitar, throws his fifty back at Adam and
storms into the house.
Adam looks at Bobby. Bobby looks at his fifty. He looks
towards the house. He looks at his fifty. He stands,
tosses the fifty at Adam and follows his brother into the
house.
Adam stands staring sadly at the money on the ground.
Beatrice rides her tricycle up to him. She scoops up the
money and rides off.
David and Rex come walking up the driveway. Adam sighs.
Beatrice hops off her trike and hugs Rex.
DAVID
Happy Saturday Wither family! Such
a lovely day for a walk.
BEATRICE
What’s up doc?
DAVID
Just getting Rex some
exercise. Such a sweet thing.
He gingerly pats Beatrice’s helmeted head and drops Rex’s
leash.
ADAM
Hey Dave.
DAVID
No, not Dave, it’s, never
mind. Hey.
ADAM
We were just getting ready to go
inside.
Beatrice ties Rex’s leash to her tricycle. David crashes a
cymbal with his hand.
30.
DAVID
I heard you playing. Sounded so,
nice.
ADAM
We tried to play. The boys never
want to play with me anymore. I
can’t blame them. I guess I messed
it up.
DAVID
I heard. You really need to keep
the index finger tight when you try
for that A7.
David picks up a guitar and plays a perfect A7.
DAVID
See how nice that sounds?
David gives the guitar a quick tune. Adam plays an A7.
DAVID
There, that’s better. Now try
this.
David plays through his A’s then into some B’s and C’s
before a sweet little riff ends it.
ADAM
I’m impressed. I didn’t know you
played.
DAVID
Everyone knows I play. I play
everything. I play all the time.
ADAM
Where did you learn to play?
DAVID
In school silly. It’s how I became
a music teacher. I started
studying at Oberlin when I was five
but did my doctorate at
Julliard. Oh, those were the
days. If those schools could talk
they’d scream.
ADAM
Really?
31.
DAVID
Who taught you?
ADAM
No one. I used to play by myself in
my bedroom as a kid.
DAVID
Didn’t we all!
He nudges Adam and plays another quick riff.
DAVID
I’m not much for guitar these
days. I’m more of a woodwind
now. I prefer to blow.
He nudges Adam then plays another quick riff.
ADAM
Wow. I’m impressed. Usually I
only see you waving that little
stick thingy at the kid’s school
concerts.
DAVID
Oh, I can play all the instruments
but it’s not what I do
anymore. Now I teach. I
lead. Now I conduct with my
baton. Terrance brought my baton
back for me from a business trip in
China. He jokes he smuggled it up
his ass but it’s not real ivory,
I’d know and be so pissed. Those
poor elephants. Terrance said
it’s shade of white reminded him of
me. I just love the way it rests in
my hand.
ADAM
He gave you your stick,
huh? That’s nice.
DAVID
Oh, he gives me lots of stuff, if
you know what I mean. But only
if he’s not working which seems to
be all the time these days.
ADAM
Oh.
David bursts into tears.
32.
DAVID
Who am I kidding? He hates me! He
just arrived home yesterday and all
ready he’s back at the office on a
Saturday, reviewing some
contract. He can’t stand to be
around me unless I’m jerking him
off or making him a sandwich!
ADAM
I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. He
just has to work is all. I’m sure
he doesn’t hate you.
DAVID
Really? You think so?
ADAM
Sure. Jane is working today too.
She picked up an extra shift. A
lot of people work on Saturdays.
DAVID
They do. It’s so sad.
ADAM
Yeah, for them. But look at
us. We’re the lucky ones.
Adam strums a sloppy chord.
DAVID
Yeah, the Lucky Ones.
David strums the same chord then plays a quick chord
progression. Adam tries to copy him.
DAVID
You know that sounds like a great
band name, "The Lucky Ones".
He plays again.
ADAM
I guess so. Or maybe a western
movie.
Adam slowly copies him.
DAVID
"The Lucky Ones". We are the Lucky
Ones, aren’t we?
33.
ADAM
I suppose.
DAVID
And when Terrance and Jane are both
at work, we can rock out here, the
Lucky Ones.
David plays a little tune. Adam can’t copy it.
ADAM
I can’t commit to anything. I’ve
got things to do. I’ve got
Beatrice to take care of.
Beatrice is happily riding Rex like a horse around the front
yard.
BEATRICE
Daddy, can we get one of these?
DAVID
It’s settled then. For today, we
rock. The Lucky Ones.
David starts playing a riff. Adam joins and tries to keep
up.
DRIVEWAY AT DUSK
Jane pulls into the driveway as night falls. She sees her
husband and David playing guitars and laughing in their
garage. She pulls her car into the garage.
She exits her car and approaches the men.
JANE
Hi Adam? How’s it going?
ADAM
Good. Real good.
JANE
Hi, Dr. David.
DAVID
Oh, you guys call me Dave. In
here, I’m Dave.
JANE
Ok. Sorry I’m so late. I texted
you but I didn’t hear back. I hope
you didn’t wait dinner for me?
34.
Adam hands her a pizza box with one slice left in it.
ADAM
We ate already. Saved you a slice.
JANE
Thanks. Where are the kids?
Adam points to Beatrice. She’s sleeping curled up with Rex
on the floor.
DAVID
She tuckered him out.
JANE
Where are the boys?
ADAM
In their rooms I’m guessing.
JANE
Some family day, huh?
ADAM
No. It was a pretty good day. I
had the boys outside for a
minute. You can smell them. No
worries.
Terrance can be heard shouting from outside.
TERRANCE (O.S)
David! Rex! Come boys!
DAVID
Oh, oh, master is calling.
He hands his guitar to Adam and begins to leave.
DAVID
See you in seven. The Lucky Ones!
David does a horned hand gesture before grabbing Rex to
leave.
Jane picks up a tired Beatrice. Beatrice, eyes closed,
grabs her mother’s pizza and takes a bite.
JANE
What was that all about?
35.
ADAM
He’s a good guy. I never knew.
JANE
Dr. David has been our neighbor and
the kid’s music teacher for over a
decade. Why the sudden interest?
ADAM
He’s an interesting guy. Do you
know he’s got a doctorate in music?
JANE
Of course I did. He tells
everyone. Everyone calls
him Dr. David. His resume is
posted on the school’s website, on
his class’ page. He has the most
detailed school web page of all the
teachers in the district and he
even sends out weekly newsletters
just for his students
alone. Terrance and David send us
pages and pages of stories about
their lives in Christmas letters
every December. I know more than
you could possibly want to know.
ADAM
Really?
KITCHEN COMPUTER AT NIGHT
Adam is searching the school’s website for David’s page.
David’s music class’s web page is mostly a large picture of
his face with a lengthy write up of his musical education
and various accomplishments in very small font
underneath. A small picture of Rex sitting with a class of
children is in the bottom corner.
At the very bottom, there is a link to Dr. David’s Facebook
page.
Adam clicks the link.
David’s Facebook cover is a photo of his husband and dog
napping in a spoon on their couch. David’s profile picture
is of him dressed in Nike gear, leaning against a tree, hand
to cheek, looking away from the camera and laughing.
36.
Adam finds albums and albums of pictures, all of David and
Terrance and a few more of Rex. Adam clicks on an album
titled, "Halloweenies". The first picture is of Terrance
and David dressed like the band Kiss. Terrance is the
demon, David the star man.
In another picture, a young Rex is dressed like a
hotdog. David is the ketchup, Terrance is the mustard.
In another picture, an older Rex is dressed as a
unicorn. Terrance is a blue princess, David is a slutty
pink one.
Adam opens another album titled "Vacations".
Jane walks up behind Adam and to see what he’s
viewing. Adam quickly closes the computer.
JANE
What are you doing?
ADAM
Nothing.
JANE
What were you looking at?
ADAM
Porn. Just porn.
JANE
Gross, let me see.
She pushes him aside and opens his computer.
JANE
Liar, there’s no porn! You were
stalking Dr. David. Or do we call
him Dave now?
She sees the page to David’s hundreds of vacation
pictures. She begins to scroll through them.
ADAM
I was following his link, from the
school site.
JANE
Wow. Look at all these
pictures. They’ve traveled a lot.
37.
ADAM
I guess Terrance does a lot of
traveling for work. They must
collect tons of airline miles.
JANE
Is that Hawaii?
ADAM
And Alaska. Is that Cuba?
JANE
I don’t know? They brought Rex to
Australia, huh? Wow. They’ve been
around.
ADAM
I guess so. Who is that?
Adam points to a picture of David’s stepdaughter, AMY. Amy
is an Asian teenager dressed in an Adidas tennis
outfit. She’s holding a large trophy with a tennis player
on top. Terrance stands behind her, hands on her shoulders.
David and Rex are to the side. David stands behind Rex with
his hands on Rex’s shoulders. Rex is wearing a suit and tie.
JANE
Their girl? Amy.
ADAM
I didn’t know they had a kid.
JANE
I think she’s his stepdaughter,
from Terrance’s first
marriage. She was here all last
summer.
Adam shakes his head no.
JANE
She was the kid you yelled at for
playing tennis in the road. You
ran over her ball.
ADAM
Oh yeah. That kid. Dave did
mention someone named Amy today.
I thought he talking about his cat.
JANE
Does someone have a new friend?
38.
ADAM
Dave’s not my friend. He’s just
happens to be our neighbor.
JANE
It’s about time you started to get
along with the neighbors, and your
kids’ teachers.
Adam close his computer.
ADAM
I know enough people already. As
soon as you start to talk to
people, their problems become your
problems and I’ve got my own
problems. I don’t need their
problems. And if they’re your
neighbors, they never go away and
their always a problem.
JANE
That’s one way to look at it.
Jane grabs a cookie from the cookie jar, turns off the
kitchen light and leaves.
JANE
Good night. If you do find some
really gross porn, bookmark it for
me. Put it in the folder labeled
dentist. But don’t look in there.
Promise. Seriously, don’t.
Jane leaves with her cookie.
Adam opens his computer and scrolls through more pictures of
his neighbor’s family.
In one, Terrance, David, Amy and Rex are surfing. David and
Terrance share a board. Terrance surfs with his hands by
his sides. David is in front of him on his hands and knees,
doggy style. Amy hangs ten from her board with a
trophy. Rex is wearing a Speedo and lei.
NEXT SATURDAY
Adam is eating a bowl of Cheerios as he stands in the
kitchen. His children wolf down their breakfasts at the
table.
39.
Jane enters the kitchen in a hurry. She’s wearing jeans and
a butterfly t-shirt. She grabs some food from everyone’s
plate.
JANE
Ok, breakfast is over. Your Dad
made me late this
morning. Everyone grab your gear
and get in the car.
The boys put their plates in the sink and leave. Beatrice
munches her Cheerios.
Jane kisses her daughter’s forehead.
JANE
You keep an eye on Daddy
today. Don’t let him nap.
BEATRICE
But sometimes he gets grumpy and
needs a nap.
JANE
I know. Deal with it.
Jane runs out the door.
JANE (O.S.)
Well, hi, Dr. David! Adam’s right
in there. We’re late for practice
otherwise I’d chat. Bye!
David enters the kitchen with Rex. Rex is wearing a pink
Nike bandanna and wrist bands. David is wearing a pink
t-shirt with a picture of a pair of winged dice showing
snake eyes. The winged dice are in crossbones and flames
under lettering reading "The Lucky Ones".
DAVID
Good morning all. I see you’ve
rised, now it’s time to shine!
ADAM
What are you doing here?
David tosses Adam and Beatrice each a pink t-shirt.
DAVID
It’s Saturday. I got us
these. Our new band gear.
40.
ADAM
What’s this?
He looks at his new pink shirt.
DAVID
"The Lucky Ones". Our new band. I
had my friend Stewart from school
make them up in his art class. I
borrowed some t-shirts left over
from the breast cancer walk and
Stewart made these. Aren’t they
fabulous? We look so tough.
Beatrice puts on her shirt. She smiles and eats her
Cheerios. She gives Rex a single Cheerio.
ADAM
Thanks, I guess.
DAVID
I wasn’t sure of your size or
tastes in music but I think I made
good guesses.
He hands Adam some sheet music.
DAVID
I went to your Facebook page and
didn’t see anything listed in your
interests. Didn’t see much at all
really. You know you only have
that one picture posted? You’re
not even smiling. How odd. Kinda
sad.
Adam looks over the music.
ADAM
Facebook? I don’t use it. The
kids set that up.
Beatrice feeds Rex Cheerios with her spoon.
DAVID
But then I remembered the Bangles
poster on your wall, so I figured
we could play a couple of their
songs. Not my style, but I get
it. The Bangles are cool. I
brought some sheets from The Who
and Hendrix and old school Van
Halen too, if you think we can
(MORE)
41.
DAVID (cont’d)
handle it? Terrance likes Kiss but
that’s been done. We could try Bach
with a flair of rock?
Adam hands him back the sheet music and t-shirt.
ADAM
This is going too far. I never
said we were in a band.
DAVID
The Lucky Ones! You remember! Our
Saturday club. While the better
halves work, we play?
ADAM
That was just a thing that happened
last week. A one time thing. I’ve
got plans with Beatrice today.
Beatrice begins leading Rex outside with a trail of
Cheerios.
BEATRICE
Bye Daddy. Have fun.
She leaves with Rex.
David grabs the t-shirt he brought for Adam and shuffles up
all the sheet music. He seems upset.
DAVID
No. I understand. Fine. I always
do this. I open myself up too
much. Expect too much. Terrance
always warned me about the pretty
ones.
He begins to cry a little and leave. Adam follows him out
the front door.
CUT TO:
OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE
ADAM
Don’t take it like that.
DAVID
Don’t feel too bad. It’s my own
fault. I always move too
(MORE)
42.
DAVID (cont’d)
fast. Get too pushy. Anyone
attractive shows me the slightest
bit of attention and I become a
stalker. I get it. Just let it
be.
David begins a slow run across the lawn.
Adam takes his by the arm to stop him from running away. As
he does, Terrance’s car comes to a screeching halt in the
street.
ADAM
I didn’t mean to hurt your
feelings.
Terrance leaps from his car. He awkwardly runs towards the
men, arms at his side. He forcefully shoves Adam aside.
TERRANCE
Get your damn hands off of my
husband!
DAVID
Terry! No! Don’t hurt him!
ADAM
Hey, be cool, Terrance! We just
had a misunderstanding. I was
trying to explain.
Terrance shoves him again.
TERRANCE
A misunderstanding huh? Understand
this, mister: Keep your distance
from my husband! We’ve had enough
of you lewd advances. Back off!
He shoves Adam to the ground. Adam slowly stands.
ADAM
Terry, you better not touch me
again.
Terrance puts his finger in Adam’s face.
TERRANCE
Terry isn’t touching you, Terrance
did and I will again.
43.
ADAM
Terrance better get his finger out
of my face before I break it off.
TERRANCE
Oh, I’m not giving you this finger,
not yet. But, oh, I will. Just
test me.
David pulls Terrance away and leads him back to his car.
TERRANCE
I told you this guy was bad
news. I told you! Now I’m ending
it. I forbid you from talking to
this horny hussy again.
ADAM
You forbid him? Really?
David holds Terrance’s face close to his.
DAVID
Terrance, you don’t have to do this
anymore. Sweetie. Listen to
me. It wasn’t what you think. I
was just leaving and forgot
something, that’s all. It meant
nothing. Less than zero. I would
never hurt you. You’ve got to know
that. But you need to go
now. You’re going to be late if
you don’t leave now. You know how
the 405 gets after seven.
TERRANCE
Get in the car. I’m taking you
home.
DAVID
Don’t be silly. I have Rex and we
didn’t bring his blanket for the
back seat. I can’t have you get
dog hair all over your car AND make
you late for work. It wouldn’t be
fair of me. I’d never forgive
myself. I’d be devastated.
David kisses Terrance’s cheek and helps him into his car.
DAVID
Just go. I’m heading straight
home. I promise.
44.
Terrance eyes Adam as he slowly drives away.
TERRANCE
Terrance says this is over. It’s
over! Forbade!
He drives away. David whistles for Rex and begins to jog
home, dropping papers on his way. Rex now wears his
bandanna as a kerchief on top of his head. He leaves
Beatrice and follows David.
Adam watches them slowly leave. Beatrice walks up to Adam
and takes his hand.
BEATRICE
What are we going to do now?
ADAM
I don’t know.
ADAM AND JANE’S BEDROOM -NIGHT
Jane is sitting on the bed, in her bra, fastening her ear
rings. Adam is dressed and ready. He lays on the bed
staring at the ceiling.
ADAM
My stomach hurts.
JANE
It’s all that fast food you and
Beatrice ate. Did you just tour
the town’s drive-thru’s all day?
ADAM
Beatrice begged me. Made her feel
better. I don’t want to have to
poop at the restaurant. Maybe we
should stay home.
JANE
Suck it up. It’s Date night. Try
to poop before we leave.
ADAM
The doctor said not to force it.
JANE
If we stay home, you’ll just work
in the garage while I watch the
kids do nothing. Giuseppe’s or
Antonio’s? Do you want Italian or
French? Antonio’s has both.
45.
ADAM
Giuseppe’s has better pizza.
JANE
Antonio’s has better bread sticks.
ADAM
Giuseppe’s has better prices.
JANE
Antonio’s has better specials.
ADAM
Giuseppe’s has a salad bar.
JANE
You pick.
ADAM
Giuseppe’s I guess.
JANE
Nah, let’s do Antonio’s.
Their doorbell rings. The poodle begins to bark. Jane
slaps Adam’s belly, trying to get him out of bed.
JANE
Judy is here. Why are we running
late?
ADAM
You got Judy from down the
street? Why didn’t you ask my mom?
JANE
Your mom had a date.
ADAM
I don’t need to know.
BEATRICE (O.S.)
Mommy! Judy is here! Get your
vagina down here!
Jane gives Adam a shocked look.
ADAM
You’re the one who said she could
say it.
46.
LIVING ROOM
JUDY and Beatrice are going through a stack of board
games. Will and Bobby sit on the couch, their faces in
their phones.
Judy is a middle aged white woman in her forties dressed
like a woman in her sixties.
John stands with his coat on, flicking through the
television channels, his back to Judy.
Jane enters the living room, putting on her coat. She grabs
the remote, mutes the television and hands the remote to
Bobby. Will grabs the remote.
JANE
Judy, thank you so much for doing
this. We really appreciate it.
JUDY
No problem. My pleasure. If I
were home, I’d just be watching Tim
cry over his platter of wings when
the Red Socks eventually lose.
ADAM
The Red’s are playing? Jane erased
the game and told me they lost the
series!
Jane pats Adam’s chest.
JANE
They’ll lose tonight. Well, thanks
again Judy. Hey, how are things
with you?
JUDY
Good. We’re good. Except our
roses by the road seem to be dying
again. And the poop is back. Tim
is upset.
Jane gives Adam a dirty look. He looks surprised.
ADAM
Ah, that’s too bad. I blame the
teenagers. Tell Tim to water them
more. Really get under them with
his hose. They’re probably just
thirsty. We gotta go. We’ve got
reservations and we’re late.
47.
JANE
Have a good time. Kids, please
don’t wait up.
Adam hurries Jane out the door.
OUTSIDE
Adam carefully pulls their car out of the garage, trying not
to hit any musical instruments. Jane hops in. They begin to
drive down the road.
As they drive past David’s, they see him in his front lawn
lying on a blanket in the grass. His sunglasses are on as
he seems to stare at the darkening sky.
Rex lays beside him, sleeping.
Adam looks at him as he drives by. David doesn’t notice but
Jane does.
JANE
Cold out tonight.
ADAM
Uh huh.
Jane cranks up the heat and turns on the radio. She begins
pecking through the stations.
OUTSIDE - MUCH LATER
Adam and Jane’s car drives back home through their darkened
neighborhood. Jane is driving. Adam reaches for the radio
but Jane slaps his hand away.
ADAM
It’s hot in here.
Adam puts down his window. Jane pushes her button and puts
it back up.
JANE
I can’t believe the bill. We spent
so much.
Jane laughs. Adam slurs his speech.
ADAM
That’s because you were drinking.
48.
JANE
I had one glass of wine before
dinner.
ADAM
They screw you on the wine.
JANE
And the gin and tonics.
ADAM
Margaret only let me have seven.
JANE
I hope you gave Margaret a good
tip. She kissed my ass just right.
She smiles at her husband. He begins eating bread sticks
from a bag. Jane grabs the stick from his hand and gives
him a shove in the shoulder.
JANE
These bread sticks are for the
kids. Close the bag!
Jane eats her bread stick. John rolls up the bag. His eyes
begin to flicker.
He leans against the car window and closes his eyes for a
moment.
Jane finishes her bread stick, licks her fingers and
wipes them off on her sleeping husband.
She puts both hands on the wheel.
Jane suddenly slams on the breaks and screams. Adam flies
into the dashboard.
JANE
Oh my God! A Deer!
Adam spastically wakens.
ADAM
Where?
Jane laughs.
JANE
Nah, I’m just messing with you.
49.
ADAM
Meany.
Jane pokes at Adam as she drives on, past David’s
house. Adam stares out the window.
David is still lying on his blanket, wearing sunglasses,
staring at the night sky. He now has a blanket covering him
as well. A sleeping Rex is now covered in a Nike blanket.
Jane drives home, pulling the car into the garage. She
narrowly misses the musical instruments still set up.
JANE
Maybe tomorrow you could put those
away. I’m gonna run them over if
you don’t.
ADAM
I’ll have the kids pack them up
later.
JANE
I’ll mark your calendar.
ADAM
I love my calendar.
JANE
I know you do, drunkie. You love
everything when you drink.
ADAM
I don’t love everything when I
drink. Not everything. I don’t love
broccoli. I don’t love broccoli
when I drink. It’s not bad, you
know. I like it if you broil it
with butter but I don’t love it. I
don’t love broccoli broiled in
butter when I drink. Do we have
any broccoli?
JANE
I love water, you should too. And
aspirin.
ADAM
Water does sound good.
Jane turns off the car and takes off her seat belt.
50.
JANE
Why don’t you go in the front yard
and get some air. I’ll bring Lou
out so you can walk him before bed.
ADAM
I was gonna get some broccoli and
broil it.
JANE
I’ll bring you Lou and some
broccoli and two bags. One for Lou
and one for you, just in
case. Make sure you use Lou’s.
ADAM
I’ll use you.
He leans over for a sloppy kiss. Jane pushes him aside.
JANE
I know you’ll try but I’m pretty
sure it’s not gonna happen, Stinky.
I’ve got my period, thank God. Stay
outside. And don’t talk to Judy
when she leaves. You’ll just
embarrass yourself.
ADAM
Do I embarrass you?
JANE
Never.
She kisses his cheek. He grabs her breast and dives in for
a kiss. She pushes a hand in his face.
JANE
Easy Drunkeo. Save some for later.
Jane gets out of the car and goes into the house.
Adam staggers out of the car. His car door knocks into the
guitars. As he walks towards the garage door, he trips over
a cord and lands in the drum kit. The cymbals crash to the
ground. Adam attempts to pick them up but only fumbles with
them. Jane meets him by the door to the house with Lou and
two bags.
JANE
Hey! Keep it down Johnny
Walker! I’m going to put Beatrice
to bed now. Here, take Lou.
51.
ADAM
Where’s my broccoli?
JANE
You can get it after you walk Lou.
A bloodcurdling scream erupts from inside the house.
BEATRICE (O.S.)
Mommy!!!
Jane goes inside their house. Adam begins to walk Lou down
the driveway and then the street, towards David’s
house. Judy leaves and walks in the same direction.
JUDY
Good night.
ADAM
Yeah, and to you and you too ’cuz I
gotta, Lou has to poo.
Adam stops and unties his shoe. He turns his back to Judy
and keeps his head down.
Judy looks confused as she turns and walks away.
Adam stands, shoes now untied. He begins to walk Lou by
David’s house. He sees David is gone. Only Rex’s blanket
remains. Adam walks on.
Lou finds a spot a few doors down and begins to poop. Adam
bends over to tie his shoes.
Suddenly, Adam’s giant neighbor comes out of nowhere. He’s
walking a small clowder of cats. Adam looks terrified. He
stands and backs away.
GIANT MAN
Need a bag?!
ADAM
Got one right here. In fact, I’ve
got two.
GIANT MAN
Lucky for you.
ADAM
Want one?
52.
GIANT MAN
My cats bury their poop in a box.
ADAM
Lucky for you.
GIANT MAN
Yeah.
ADAM
Thank you sir. Nice pussies.
GIANT MAN
There cats.
ADAM
I agree.
The giant man walks away.
Adam waits as Lou finishes his business. It’s a sloppy wet
mess. Adam does his best to pick up the puddle of poop. He
uses both bags and both hands.
The giant man goes into his house and turns off his outside
lights.
As Adam walks home, wiping his hands on his pants, he sees
David on his front lawn, folding up Rex’s blanket. Rex sits
faithfully beside him, now wearing a Nike hooded sweatshirt.
Adam walks by, stops and staggers back.
ADAM
Hey.
DAVID
Hey.
ADAM
Poop.
DAVID
I see.
ADAM
Cold.
DAVID
Yup.
53.
ADAM
Night.
DAVID
Sure.
ADAM
Stars.
He points to the sky.
DAVID
Yes, stars.
Adam can’t think of anything else to say.
ADAM
Bye.
Adam walks Lou away, back home. David sadly watches him.
GARAGE - A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Adam enters his home through his garage entrance. As he
opens the door to the house, he can hear Beatrice whining
and throwing a fit.
BEATRICE
But I don’t want to! I don’t want
to Mommy! No Mommy! You can’t make
me! NO!!!
Adam shoves Lou into the house and closes the door behind
him.
Adam picks up a rag and wipes his hands. He looks around
his garage for a moment. He moves some boxes on the shelf
to find some warm bottles of root beer hiding from
sight. He takes out two bottles and opens one. His gives
the other to his monkey butler.
ADAM
Root beer has water. She told me
to drink water.
He drinks his root beer. The wind blows a piece of paper
into his garage. He picks it up and reads it. It’s the
first page to the sheet music of The Bangles song, "I’ll Set
You Free". He thinks and drinks. He hands his root beer to
his monkey butler.
Adam picks up a guitar and a drumstick, and begins to sing
to himself as he starts the beat.
54.
ADAM (SINGING)
I remember eyes that shined as they
looked so hard back into
mine. Love’s just a memory, so
I’ll set you free.
Adam drops the stick and plays his guitar. He does a good
job, not great but good. He plays.
David is suddenly in the garage entrance.
DAVID (SINGING)
I hear you through the wire, the
words all sound like noise. What
happened to the fire in your voice?
David picks up a guitar and plays with Adam. David does a
great job. Adam watches David’s fingering closely.
DAVID (SINGING)
Don’t try to hide the distance.
It’s just too big to ignore. We
work it out like business. It won’t
work anymore.
ADAM AND DAVID (SINGING)
I remember eyes that shined as they
looked so hard back into
mine. Love’s just a memory, so
I’ll set you free.
CUT TO:
WILL’S BEDROOM
Will lies in bed, listening to his father play. He sheds a
tear and rolls over.
ADAM (SINGING O.S.)
I’ll set you free.
CUT TO:
BOBBY’S BEDROOM
Bobby is asleep under a shelf of sports trophies.
CUT TO;
55.
BEATRICE’S BEDROOM
Jane sleeps in Beatrice’s bed, spooning her sleeping
daughter. The monster peeks from under the bed.
CUT TO:
GARAGE
DAVID (SINGING)
Still sometimes late at night, when
midnight comes into my window I can
make believe it’s how it used to
be.
ADAM (SINGING)
We made it look so easy.
DAVID (SINGING)
We never tried to resist. Somehow
you stopped believing.
ADAM (SINGING)
Some how we’ve come to this.
ADAM AND DAVID (SINGING)
I remember eyes that shined as they
looked so hard back into
mine. Love’s just a memory, so
I’ll set you free.
I remember words that fell like
coins into a wishing well. It was
never meant to be so I’ll set you
free.
DAVID (SINGING)
I’ll set you free.
ADAM (SINGING)
I’ll set you free.
Suddenly the Giant Man is in Adam’s garage with his clowder
of cats. He holds one to his cheek and sings in a very high
voice.
GIANT MAN (SINGING)
Somehow I must go on, but what can
I do? What good is being strong
when all I ever really want is you!
Adam and David look at each other, impressed. They play.
56.
Adam picks up a drum stick and plays the beat.
ADAM (SINGING)
I remember eyes that shined as they
looked so hard back into
mine. Love’s just a memory, so
I’ll set you free.
Adam returns to his guitar.
ADAM AND DAVID (SINGING)
I remember words that fell like
coins into a wishing well. It was
never meant to be so I’ll set you
free.
DAVID (SINGING)
I’ll set you free.
GIANT MAN (SINGING)
I’ll set you free!
ADAM AND DAVID (SINGING)
I remember eyes that shined as they
looked so hard back into
mine. Love’s just a memory, so
I’ll set you free.
I remember words that fell like
coins into a wishing well. It was
never meant to be so I’ll set you
free.
The giant man leaves with his clowder of cats.
David and Adam happily play into the night.
ADAM AND JANE’S BEDROOM
Adam is in bed sleeping. His phone vibrates and beeps
beside him. He turns it off and rubs his head.
ADAM
Ouch. Why didn’t you make me drink
more water?
He looks over into his bed and realizes his wife is gone and
he is talking to no one. He gets out of bed and stumbles to
the bathroom, wearing his pink "The Lucky Ones" t-shirt and
a pair of plaid boxers.
57.
KITCHEN
Jane is at the sink in sweat pants and a flannel shirt,
washing dishes. Adam enters in his pink t-shirt and
boxers. He starts to pour himself some coffee. Jane leans
in close to his ear.
JANE (SCREAMING)
How’s your hangover?
Adam drops his coffee.
ADAM
I’m not hungover. I think I’m just
getting sick. I told you my
stomach hurt yesterday.
JANE
Yes, gin and tonics will do
that. Dave’s going to be here
soon. You might want to put on
some pants.
ADAM
Why is he coming over?
JANE
Don’t you remember?
ADAM
Remember what?
JANE
You and Dave have to practice for
the show you’re putting on at the
block party.
ADAM
What block party?
JANE
The one you avoid every year. It’s
in a few weeks and you promised
Dave that "The Lucky Ones" were
gonna play a set.
ADAM
I never agreed to that?
Jane takes Adam by the hand and leads him out into the
garage. She shows him his calendar. Every Saturday is
marked with "Band Practice" and in a few weeks, Sunday is
marked with "Premiere of the Lucky Ones! Bring a plate."
58.
ADAM
Who wrote all this?
JANE
I did! You made me! You woke me
up at four this morning and
insisted I mark your
calendar. Then you and Dave ate
all the broccoli and he stumbled
home. You really don’t remember?
ADAM
Not at all.
JANE
So funny.
Their garage door begins to open. Outside is David holding
their garage door remote in one hand and his guitar case in
the other. Rex is with him. Both are dressed all in black
leather.
DAVID
Who’s ready to rock!
JANE
Dave didn’t forget. Glad you gave
him a key?
She kisses her husband and leaves.
DAVID
Is this your new outfit? So
grunge. I love it.
ADAM
I just woke up.
DAVID
I think your phone is broken. I’ve
been calling you all morning.
ADAM
The battery died.
DAVID
I was worried you died. Boy, you
were quite the handful last night.
ADAM
I was? I guess I was drunk.
59.
DAVID
Oh, me too. I was so wasted. You
buy the best beer. Hair of the
dog.
He picks up a root beer and slams it down.
DAVID
We should keep the buzz going.
ADAM
That’s my root beer. There’s no
alcohol in it.
DAVID
Does it have caffeine because I was
up all night? Didn’t sleep a
wink. Woke Terrance up too, if you
know what I mean.
He nudges Adam.
ADAM
I feel like shit. I think I might
need more sleep.
DAVID
Don’t be such a grump! The
premiere of our band "The Lucky
Ones" is only a few weeks away and
we haven’t even drawn up a set list
yet.
ADAM
I know you keep calling this a
band, but it’s not a band. It
can’t be a band.
DAVID
You’re right. You’re so right. Go
put some pants on. I can see your
business hanging out. Just give
me a minute. I know what this is
about.
Adam holds the hole closed on his underwear then goes back
into his house. David takes out his cellphone and begins to
make a call.
60.
GARAGE- A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Adam enters the garage, dressed in a black "Boston" concert
t-shirt and sweatpants. David is strumming his guitar and
making notes in a notebook.
ADAM
You’re still here?
DAVID
Of course, silly. Where else would
I be?
KEVIN, a husky man with a baby strapped to his chest, walks
into the garage.
KEVIN
Hey.
ADAM
Hey.
DAVID
You two know each other, right?
ADAM
No.
KEVIN
I live two doors down.
ADAM
Which direction?
KEVIN
My wife always hands out the
toothbrushes at Halloween.
ADAM
Oh, the toothbrush guy! Now I know
you.
KEVIN
So how do you wanna do this?
ADAM
Do what?
DAVID
Kevin is our new drummer. Unless
you think he should audition first?
61.
ADAM
Drummer for what?!
DAVID
Our band! "The Lucky Ones." You
said we needed a drummer.
ADAM
No I didn’t.
DAVID
You said we weren’t a real band and
I figured it out. Of course you
wanted a drummer.
ADAM
I never said that.
KEVIN
I’ve never played professionally or
anything but I do have my own drum
kit in my basement and Emma says I
can keep a pretty good beat.
David nudges Adam.
ADAM
I don’t think so.
KEVIN
If you just give me a chance. I’d
love to get out of the house and
just be around some guys for once.
Kevin’s baby throws up a little. Kevin wipes the babies
chin.
DAVID
Give him a chance. At least hear
him play.
KEVIN
Yeah, let me play.
Kevin sits at the drum set and begins to arrange it. Adam
reaches out to him.
ADAM
At least let me hold your kid while
you play.
62.
KEVIN
Charles doesn’t like to be
held. He’s fine.
ADAM
You sure?
KEVIN
I’m sure. We do this all the
time.
ADAM
All right then.
Kevin clicks his sticks.
KEVIN
One, two, three. four!
Kevin plays an awesome solo mixing in doubles, then triples
and a few fifths near the end. His sticks fly feverishly
over the skins and around his baby’s face. He rocks out hard
as his baby watches, flinching from his chest. Kevin ends
his solo, exhausted and red faced. The baby throws up a
little. Kevin wipes his forehead then his babies chin.
David and Adam applaud. Kevin blushes.
ADAM
That was amazing.
DAVID
Good for you.
KEVIN
I practice when Emma is at
work. She works nights and every
other weekend at the college and
says we can’t watch more than an
hour of TV a day. It’s something
to do.
Kevin stands from the drum set. He walks over and grabs a
root beer from the monkey butler.
KEVIN
This stuff will rot your teeth.
He drinks it down, dribbling some on Charles’ head.
Jane enters the garage from the house.
63.
JANE
Hi, Kevin. I didn’t know you were
here. Was that you playing?
KEVIN
Yeah.
JANE
I knew it wasn’t Adam. Oh, look
who’s getting so big! May I?
She begins to take the baby.
KEVIN
You really shouldn’t...
Jane holds the baby. The baby screams as if being murdered.
KEVIN
He doesn’t like to he held. This
is the only thing that keeps him
quiet.
Kevin straps the baby to his chest again.
JANE
Looks like he has a couple of red
marks bruising on his
forehead. Did he get hurt?
Kevin rubs his baby’s forehead.
KEVIN
No. He gets that sometimes. It
goes away eventually.
David and Adam look at each other, concerned.
JANE
He is so cute. I could just
squeeze that face.
She pinches the baby’s face. Charles pukes.
JANE
Well, you boys have fun. Hope it
doesn’t get too crazy today.
DAVID
If this garage is a rocking, don’t
bother knocking. Unless you really
need something, then it’s fine.
Jane leaves. David takes out his notebook.
64.
DAVID
Kevin, you said you’re bringing the
deviled eggs. I’m making
babaganush and sesame tofu
cutlets. Jane said you guys can
bring the chips and maybe some
dip. So, I’m guessing we need
three really good songs for our
set. We’ll play right after little
Tommy Peterson does his magic act
but before the Johnson’s light off
their fireworks display. That
family creeps me out. Tommy the
Great will be pissed he’s not the
closer but he’ll have to get over
it.
ADAM
Are we really doing this?
DAVID
It was your idea, silly! You begged
me. Of course we are.
KEVIN
I’ve got nothing better to do. Do
you?
Beatrice walks into the garage leading Rex by his
leash. Both of them are wearing helmets.
BEATRICE
Dr. David, can Rex climb trees?
DAVID
No, sorry honey.
Beatrice looks at Rex. Rex looks at Beatrice.
BEATRICE
We’ll figure something out.
Beatrice leads Rex away. The men look at each other.
KEVIN
So, should we play?
Kevin’s baby hiccups.
ADAM
I guess so.
65.
The baby farts a loud, long wet fart. Charles gets red in
the face, then smiles. The men reel in disgust and cover
their noses.
KEVIN
Maybe I should take care of this
first.
GARAGE
A montage of the men practicing and laughing as Bach plays,
rock and roll style.
CUT TO:
Adam tightens goggles and a helmet for Kevin’s baby. Kevin
shakes his head in agreement as he holds a broken drum
stick. David pats his back. Charles stares from behind his
goggles.
CUT TO:
The men practice some more. They seem happy and enjoy root
beer together.
THE SUNDAY OF THE BLOCK PARTY
The Rockwell Circle block party is underway. Families are
scattered everywhere. Most people are carrying plates or
cups.
Kevin is on his backyard deck setting up his drums. His baby
is strapped to his chest, already goggled and helmeted. His
wife hands him a diaper.
Adam and David are below in his yard, having a beer.
ADAM
This is nuts. This is crazy.
DAVID
What are you talking about?
David checks his phone.
ADAM
Singing in front of all these
people.
66.
Only a few of the older neighbors are scattered around
Kevin’s yard. Most are eating deviled eggs from a snack
table near the fence. A huge crowd gathers at the Bounce
House down the street.
DAVID
I know, right? I’m hoping when we
start playing we’ll draw a better
crowd. Stupid Terrance. Says his
plane was delayed. Typical. Who
needs him.
ADAM
I don’t think I can do this.
DAVID
Can’t do what?
David reads his phone. Beatrice leads a staggering Jane to
Adam. She holds her mom’s hand to guide her. Jane is
carrying a couple of drinks.
JANE
Wad up playas!
BEATRICE
Daddy, can you watch Mommy? I have
to pee.
Beatrice runs behind a bush. Rex follows. Jane wobbles and
dribbles as she drinks her drinks. Her speech is slightly
slurred.
JANE
Adam, honey, can you drive?
ADAM
We live two doors down.
JANE
Which way?
David sniffs her drinks.
DAVID
Black Russians, heavy on the
vodka. Mrs. Philips made
these. What a lush. Glug, glug.
JANE
They’re delicious.
She drinks her drink.
67.
JANE
How come you guys aren’t playing?
ADAM
I should probably take her
home. She’s pretty drunk.
JANE
Screw you! I’m fine. I’m not
drunk. This isn’t drunk! This is
having a good time and wanting to
hear some songs. Let’s get this
party started!!! Whoo hoo!!! I
was way more wasted at the Dead,
and the Phish and the RUSH and the
Sabbath and that Dave guy too. I
was tripping on acid when you
dragged me to The Bangles before
you had hair on your balls and I
still carried your sorry ass home.
ADAM
I can’t play today.
DAVID
What?
ADAM
I can’t play. All these people and
her and this band. I can’t do
it. I don’t think I can.
DAVID
Oh no. Really? This is
nothing. Really, less than
nothing. I’ve performed twice at
Madison Square Garden, three times
at Carnegie Hall and I spent the
last seven years entering my eight
grade class in all County Marching
Band. Marching band bitches can
eat shit and die, but that’s not
the point. Come on! It will be
fun! Your kids perform at school
all the time.
Jane slaps Adam’s face and grabs his shirt.
JANE
Listen, pussy, stop being a pussy
and play me a song. Get over
yourself. You practiced, now
play. Here, drink this, pussy.
68.
She pours a Black Russian into Adam’s mouth.
JANE
And this.
She pours another into him. Beatrice returns with
Rex. She’s carrying two fresh Black Russians.
JANE
And drink these too.
She sloppily pours the drinks into her husband. He tries to
take it all in.
A neighbor walks by holding a beer. Jane grabs it from him.
JANE
Thanks. Get your self another, on
me.
She pushes the neighbor away and hands the beer to Adam. He
drinks it. She punches him in the arm.
JANE
Now do it already. Come on,
pussy. Just do it!
DAVID
Exactly.
Jane slaps Adam in the face. He pumps himself up and runs
up onto the deck.
David looks at Jane with a sly smile.
DAVID
Oh Jane, you’re such a Courtney. I
love it.
Jane puts her hands on David’s shoulders and leans in close.
JANE
Dave. I can call you Dave,
right? You said so before, right?
DAVID
I guess.
JANE
David or Dave or doctor, it doesn’t
matter, Dave. You know why,
Dave? Why it doesn’t matter, Dave?
69.
DAVID
No. Why?
JANE
Because screw you. That’s why
Dave. Screw you and screw him and
screw all them too. Screw em all!
Who cares! Screw em!!!
Baby! Where’s my drink?
Beatrice hands her mother a bottle of water. Jane drinks it
down in one gulp. She tosses the empty bottle at her
husband above on the deck. It hits him in the back of the
head.
JANE
Play Freebird!
DAVID
We didn’t practice that one, but
maybe later we’ll give it a try.
David runs up onto the deck and adjusts the
microphone. Adam approaches Kevin and his chest baby.
ADAM
Kevin, are you serious? Have your
wife watch the kid for a minute.
KEVIN
I can’t. It’s my day. He’s mine
until seven am tomorrow.
ADAM
But the show? It’ll take a
minute. Your wife’s right out
front.
KEVIN
You don’t understand. It doesn’t
matter. Sunday is my day with him,
no matter what. I need to respect
the rules.
David approaches them.
DAVID
Who wants some rock?
No one responds.
70.
ADAM
He wants to play with the kid.
DAVID
He always plays with Chuckie,
what’s the big wup?
KEVIN
His name is Charles, not Chuckie.
DAVID
He always seemed like a Chuckie to
me.
Charles gives them a blank stare from behind his goggles.
KEVIN
I don’t get it. What’s the
problem?
DAVID
Nothing. He’s just nervous. We’ll
be fine. We’re a band. Let’s just
play, ok. Let’s play and have
fun. Let’s do this.
Adam downs his beer. He sets it on the railing.
ADAM
Whatever.
David screams into the microphone.
DAVID
Who’s ready to rock!!!
An old man in a patio chair on the lawn puts his plate of
deviled eggs in his lap so he can clap. No one else turns
to look.
CUT TO:
"The Lucky Ones" rock out the last fifty three seconds to
"Hot for Teacher" by Van Halen.
ADAM (SINGING)
Class dismissed! Oh yeah!
BAND (SINGING)
I’ve got it bad, I’ve got it bad,
I’ve got it bad.
71.
ADAM (SINGING)
I’m hot for teacher. Oh! Oh! Oh yes
I’m hot!
David nails the ending like a Rock Star. Adam and Kevin are
stoked to be there.
A creepy guy and his creepy kid run on the deck with
lighters to light two watermelons propped on the decks
railing. They laugh a creepy laugh. The watermelons
explode as the band ends the song.
ADAM (SINGING)
Oh my God!
Bottle rockets fly from under the deck, fountains of sparks
fly behind the band. The creepy kid light’s a pack of
firecrackers and throws them at the band’s feet. Adam jumps
away.
CUT TO:
An angry nine year old Tommy throws his magician’s hat to
the ground and storms away, his cape trailing.
CUT TO:
The band ends and takes a bow. A few neighbors clap lazily.
Beatrice runs on stage with Rex and some sparklers and does
a skipping dance. Rex wears a tutu. Beatrice dances.
The mothers applaud louder and Jane adds a few whistles.
JANE (SCREAMING)
You go girl!
DAVID
Thank you. Thank you. You’re too
kind.
Rex takes a dump center stage.
DAVID
Rex, you’re so punk. I love it.
Their giant neighbor hands Adam a bag. He gives them a
little clap and nod of approval before leaving the deck.
ADAM
Thanks everyone. Thanks Rockwell
Circle Block Party! Have a
goodnight.
72.
A couple of people clap. A small child runs by crying while
being chased by a clown.
The old man on the lawn angrily throws his deviled eggs to
the ground and leaves.
The band looks at each other, shrug, and begins to pick up
their equipment.
The creepy guy and his kid eat watermelon and light more
bottle rockets from under the deck.
Their neighbor, TIM, walks onto the deck. He’s a regular
kind of nerdy black guy dressed in a turquoise polo and
cuffed jeans shorts.
TIM
You were really good.
ADAM
Thanks.
TIM
No. I was talking to Dr. David.
He shakes David’s hand but looks at Adam.
TIM
You came in early twice on the
second song and totally flubbed the
ending and both choruses on the
first. I think you air-guitared the
ending on the last. But no one
noticed. Hey, Kevin.
KEVIN
Hey Tim. How are the roses?
Tim looks at Adam. Adam looks down.
TIM
Dying.
KEVIN
Sorry, man.
TIM
Not your fault. So, Dr.
David, that last solo was
amazing. You should think of
getting a real band together and
trying out for the Battle of the
Bands next month. I know you wanted
(MORE)
73.
TIM (cont’d)
to raise money for the after school
programs. They’re having a
sponsored contest downtown and the
prize is a thousand dollars. It
says anyone can join. An open
registration!
He hands David a flier announcing the Battle of the Bands
event next month. In big letters across the top it reads,
"No Covers!" David sets it down and wraps his cords.
DAVID
We’re not that kind of band. We
just play to have fun.
TIM
I know you’re not a real band but
if you and Kevin got some serious
musicians together, you might have
a chance. Think of the kids! The
prize is a thousand
dollars! That’s a lot of equipment
for the kids.
KEVIN
A thousand dollars? I could get an
Xbox with my third. For Charles.
ADAM
Whoa, what do you mean you and
Kevin?
TIM
No offense but they’re out of your
league.
ADAM
Says you?
TIM
Says anybody that’s heard. You
know Kevin, I play a mean keyboard
for choir. We should jam together
sometime.
ADAM
Who do you think you are? You come
up after MY show and say I suck and
then try to break up my
band?! This is my band! Got
it! Mine! Get your own band!
Adam picks up the flier and throws it in Tim’s face.
74.
ADAM
And my band is going to win at the
Battle of the Bands next month and
win the prize and show your sorry
ass! I guarantee it. See you there
if you can find yourself a band!
TIM
Can I join your band?
KEVIN
I guess. I mean, I don’t care.
DAVID
Sure why not.
KEVIN
Hey, we got a keyboard player!
Kevin shakes Tim’s hand. Adam is confused. David checks his
phone.
GARAGE- NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT
Tim is at his keyboards, Kevin and Charles are at the
drums. Adam sits, guitar in hand. David sits too, looking
at his phone, sucking on a Blowpop.
ADAM
The flier says no covers. What are
we gonna play?
TIM
I don’t know.
Kevin shrugs. Charles hiccups.
ADAM
David, what do we play?
David keeps his face in his phone and his Blowpop in his
mouth.
DAVID
I don’t care. I don’t create, I
conduct.
ADAM
Well, we have to play something. I
already sent in the registration
check. Tim, you still owe me your
fifty.
75.
TIM
If we win, you can look for an
envelope under my roses.
KEVIN
You guys tell me what to do and
I’ll do it. Tell me what to play.
The garage door opens and Jane begins to drive her car
inside. Tim and Kevin are set up in her spot. They quickly
moves their gear as Jane nudges Kevin’s drums with her car.
Jane, Will, Bobby, Beatrice and Rex exit the car. Rex is
carrying a can of paint.
JANE
Don’t mind us, just got some paint
for tomorrow.
Jane begins to move boxes on the shelves.
JANE
I hope you still have brushes. I
am not going back.
ADAM
Paint for what?
Jane finds a root beer and hands it to Will.
JANE
Will and I are going to do some
painting in the morning.
Will looks at the floor.
ADAM
You’re painting what?
JANE
The skate park. We’re covering the
graffiti at the skate park.
ADAM
Why are you doing it?
Jane pauses as Will watches his feet.
JANE
I don’t want to get in to it, now,
ok? I’m more interested in the
solution.
76.
WILL
I’m sorry.
ADAM
For what?
WILL
I know who painted the skate
park. I was there when it
happened.
TIM
Figures.
ADAM
Hey, he’s my kid! Why didn’t you
say something before?
JANE
Apparently it was done by some of
his older friends.
ADAM
And you didn’t say anything?
WILL
I thought they were my friends.
ADAM
Are they?
WILL
I don’t know.
DAVID
It was Billy Baker, wasn’t it? I
recognized the hand writing. I
blame Coach Carol for kicking him
from football. Little psycho needs
an outlet.
ADAM
Who else was there, besides Billy?
WILL
I don’t want to say. He did most of
the writing.
DAVID
I respect those reasons.
77.
ADAM
How am I supposed to respect you
when I know you hang out with kids
like that?
DAVID
Respect needs to be earned. I’m
sure Jane having him paint over the
mistake is a step in the right
direction.
ADAM
Yeah, I guess so.
David offers Will his guitar. Will declines.
ADAM
Who’s gonna take care of Billy
Baker?
TIM
That kid is a menace.
KEVIN
His mom canceled his last five
dental appointments with
Emma. Such a slippery road.
ADAM
Maybe we should pay his house a
visit?
TIM
And do what? Kill his flowers?
ADAM
I feel I need to do something.
JANE
Never you mind. How come you’re
not playing? I thought you were
going to play again?
KEVIN
We’ve got nothing to play.
TIM
We can’t play a cover. It has to
be an original song.
David looks at his phone and licks his Blowpop.
78.
DAVID
And none of them can think of
something original.
JANE
A song? Is that all? Adam makes
up songs all the time.
ADAM
That’s just for you and the
kids. Those aren’t real songs.
JANE
You need a song? Kids, go inside.
Kevin, get ready.
The kids leave. Kevin gets ready behind his kit. David
sucks his Blowpop and puts on his guitar.
Jane grabs her husband’s guitar, pushes him out of the way
and begins to play "Bad Boyfriend" by Adam Sandler.
JANE (SINGING)
Why don’t you pick up after you’re
done. I’m not your slave. I’m not
your mother. I’m not your maid. I
mean, I’ve got a life too. So fuck
you!
Tim dances to the song. Jane rocks. Tim joins the song.
JANE (SINGING)
Why can’t you be nicer to my
friends? They’re gonna be here
soon. Last time they were here,
you just sat in the
bedroom. Friday you went out with
your fat friend Lou. Fuck You!
Adam tries to take her guitar. She kicks him away.
JANE (SINGING)
Why don’t you ever ask about my
Chinese cooking class? I only took
it ’cause you like moo shu. Fuck
you!
She kicks him again.
ADAM
I’m sorry honey, I love your moo
sho, I really do.
79.
JANE (SINGING)
Fuck You!
ADAM
And I love that your friends are
coming over. Good for you.
JANE (SINGING)
Fuck you!
ADAM
I sat in the bedroom last time to
stay out of your way. I did it for
you.
JANE (SINGING)
Fuck you!
ADAM
I’ll try to pick up around the
house more, I promise I will. The
kids will too.
JANE (SINGING)
Fuck you!
ADAM
Will it be cool if we practice
again tomorrow? Can you watch the
kids?
JANE (SINGING)
Fuck you!
ADAM
Ok, I’ll let the kids stay with us.
Adam attempts to take her guitar. She turns away.
JANE (SINGING)
Why don’t ever take me to a play,
or a museum? There’s an art
gallery two blocks away and we’ve
never been there. We always do
what you want to do. Fuck you!
Adam attempts to take her guitar again. She punches his
shoulder and kicks his shin.
JANE (SINGING)
You didn’t notice I got new throw
pillows for the sofa. You didn’t
notice I had the skate park painted
blue. Fuck!
80.
David goes into a killer guitar solo. Jane plays with him,
back to back. Tim is loving the song. Charles is now
wearing hearing protection as well.
CUT TO:
LIVING ROOM
Beatrice is playing air guitar while jumping on the couch,
throw pillows on the floor.
CUT TO:
GARAGE
JANE (SINGING)
Asshole!
Adam stares sadly at his rocking wife.
JANE (SINGING)
Why don’t you notice all those guys
that hit on me? You take me for
granted. You know there’s a guy at
work that always asks me out to
lunch. I always try to look my
best and you should too. Fuck
You!
Jane gets in Adam’s face.
JANE (SINGING)
What will I ever get out of this
relationship? You’re such a
jerk. The only thing you do right
is tell me that you love me. Well
I guess I love you too! But Fuck
You!
Jane flicks her guitar pick into Adam’s face.
JANE
Seriously.
She hands the guitar to David, knocks over the mic and walks
into the house. Adam calls after her.
ADAM
I love you too!
She gives him the finger before she closes the door.
81.
DAVID
Such a bitch. I love it.
TIM
We have to use that song! We have
to.
Kevin seems uncertain as he takes off Charles’ hearing
protection.
DAVID
Should we ask her to write it down?
ADAM
Hell no. Move on.
TIM
Then we’ve got nothing.
David stares into his phone.
DAVID
Seems that way.
KEVIN
This is hard.
ADAM
We’ll think of something.
TIM
I vote we kick out Adam and let
Jane join the band. Who’s with me?
Tim raises his hand.
Beatrice comes into the garage. She’s carrying her monster
and rubbing her eyes.
BEATRICE
Daddy, Mommy said you made her
tired and Rex went home and you
forgot to sing him a song. Can you
sing it for me when I go to bed so
I can sing it to him tomorrow?
ADAM
I thought you grew up?
BEATRICE
I did but Rex didn’t. I’ll sing it
to him later. Come on, Daddy. I’m
tired.
82.
She takes Adam’s hand. He looks at the band. David is face
in phone.
DAVID
Go ahead. Might as well. We
weren’t doing anything anyway.
Beatrice leads her father away.
TIM
We should really use Jane’s
song. It was really good.
Kevin shakes his head no.
BEATRICE’S BEDROOM
Beatrice is all tucked in bed. Her father stands by her
bedside, his guitar in hand.
ADAM
What would you like to hear?
BEATRICE
I don’t want to hear
anything. It’s for Rex.
ADAM
Rex isn’t here.
BEATRICE
I’ll give him a recap later.
ADAM
Well, what would Rex like to hear.
BEATRICE
Sweet Beatrice. A song about me.
ADAM
A song about you is always a good
choice. Sweet Beatrice it shall
be. He we go.
Adam begins playing "Sweet Beatrice" by Adam Sandler, with a
couple of word changes.
ADAM (SINGING)
Hanging with my sweet amour, she
came out with a lion’s roar,
yellin’ "I’m going to the corner
store! Be back at quarter to
(MORE)
83.
ADAM (SINGING) (cont’d)
four." Don’t slam your pinkies in
the drawer.
Beatrice smiles. The band can hear him from the
garage. They listen and join in on their instruments.
ADAM (SINGING)
She can be like a maiden from the
days of yore. Hangin’ out at
Studio 54. Break-dancin’ on the
slick, brick disco floor, with
Lionel Ritchie, who by the way was
a Commodore.
The band keeps playing. Beatrice smiles.
ADAM (SINGING)
One time she gave mouth to mouth to
a snaggle tooth boar, who couldn’t
breathe right since the Vietnam
War. Then she played Chinese
checkers with Skeletor. And went
camping with Eva Gabor.
ADAM AND HIS BAND (SINGING)
She’s my sweet, sweet, sweet
Beatrice, she’s my sweet, sweet,
sweet Beatrice, she’s my sweet,
sweet, sweet, Beatrice.
ADAM (SINGING)
and she’s coming home.
BEATRICE
Let’s keep this song going now.
ADAM (SINGING)
I got a picture of her down by the
seashore, wearing a bikini made of
purple velour. Her hair’s up like
Conway Twitty’s pompadour, with the
smile of Guy LeFleur. She got the
ups and the downs like an elevator,
but deep inside she’s a marshmallow
s’more. Can bake a cake as big as
Jupitor. Either or, neither
nor. She’ll share it with your
Labrador.
Beatrice smiles and nods yes.
84.
ADAM (SINGING)
She can run faster than a blazing
meteor. Loves Winnie the Pooh and
his friend Eyeore. Can make a doll
out of an apple core. That’s a
trick she learned from Roberto
Parrish, where?
BEATRICE
Down in Ecuador.
ADAM (SINGING)
You know why?
ADAM AND HIS BAND (SINGING)
She’s my sweet, sweet, sweet
Beatrice, she’s my sweet, sweet,
sweet Beatrice, she’s my sweet,
sweet, sweet Beatrice.
ADAM (SINGING)
and she’s coming home.
David plays a guitar solo from the garage. Adam hears him
and perks up. Beatrice smiles.
BEATRICE
Ain’t that the truth.
David plays some more.
BEATRICE
Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Jane enters the bedroom and hippy dances beside her husband.
ADAM (SINGING)
Well for sure, she opened the
door. Whipped out a three foot
fishing lure. Personally that made
me feel insecure. Like the time I
was a roadie on Elton John’s
tour. She said "Let’s go catch
some Piscatore!" I said "Beatrice,
you don’t eat fish no more." She
said "By God you’re right, so we
took ourselves a snore. And when we
woke up ten hours later. We ate a
cake Du Jour!
ADAM AND HIS BAND (SINGING)
She’s my sweet, sweet, sweet
Beatrice, She’s my sweet, sweet,
(MORE)
85.
ADAM AND HIS BAND (SINGING) (cont’d)
sweet Beatrice, she’s my sweet,
sweet, sweet Beatrice.
ADAM (SINGING)
and she came home.
JANE (SINGING)
She likes to clean out the attic
every now and then.
ADAM (SINGING)
She’s gonna knit me a brand new
golfing bag. We gonna watch
ourselves a John Wayne movie.
JANE (SINGING)
Then we gonna free all the doggies
at the kennel.
ADAM (SINGING)
She’s gonna try on my third grade
mittens.
JANE (SINGING)
She’ll keep them on even though
they’re way too small.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
One, two, three, four!
The band goes nuts. Beatrice conducts.
THE BAND (SINGING)
Sweet Beatrice!
ADAM (SINGING)
Well she ain’t never gonna hurt
me. She ain’t never gonna let me
down. She ain’t never gonna tell
nobody I’m afraid of birds and
spiders.
ADAM AND JANE (SINGING)
Well, Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice.
ADAM (SINGING)
And she loves Pat Summerall.
The song ends. Beatrice rolls over and goes to sleep.
Jane picks dirty clothes from off the floor. She kisses her
daughter, then her husband.
86.
JANE
Good night, loves.
Adam kisses his daughter.
ADAM
Good night sweet Beatrice.
Beatrice kisses her monster, hands it to her father, and
goes to sleep.
Adam smiles.
CUT TO:
GARAGE
DAVID
I think we found our song.
GARAGE- NEXT DAY
The members of "The Lucky Ones" surround Beatrice as she
sits on a stool eating a giant lollipop. Rex sits beside
her.
ADAM
How’s the lolly?
BEATRICE
Good, Daddy. Want a lick?
ADAM
No thank you. Can we use your song
now?
BEATRICE
No, Daddy.
TIM
Come on, she’s been dicking with us
for hours. Come on already!
BEATRICE
It’s my song. You can’t use it.
DAVID
Pretty please, for your Daddy? For
the band?
87.
BEATRICE
Nope. Sorry.
KEVIN
I thought your Daddy made up all
your songs? Doesn’t he have
rights?
BEATRICE
Nope.
Beatrice hands her father a piece of paper. Adam hands it
to Kevin. On the paper are crayon scribbles, a poorly drawn
tree and poodle and Adam’s signature in cursive at the
bottom, dated last year.
BEATRICE
He sold me his rights long ago.
TIM
What?
He grabs the paper from Kevin.
ADAM
She made me do it for a bite of her
doughnut. I didn’t think it would
be a big deal selling the writes to
her song.
KEVIN
What kind of doughnut?
ADAM
Chocolate glazed.
Kevin nods in agreement.
TIM
Let’s just use the song! What can
she do?
BEATRICE
I won’t be exploited like that.
I’ll sue.
ADAM
Exploited? Have you been talking
with your brothers again?
BEATRICE
I don’t know.
88.
KEVIN
Let’s just use a different
song. Your wife said you sing like
a hundred of them every night to
your kids. Let’s pick another
song.
ADAM
I wrote them all for her. She owns
the rights.
BEATRICE
I own all the rights.
TIM
This is bull!
ADAM
Hey!
DAVID
Beatrice, we don’t want the
lyrics. You can keep those. We
just want the music your Daddy
plays.
TIM
Yeah, the lyrics stink. We just
want to play the tune.
BEATRICE
Play one note and I’ll sue.
KEVIN
We’re done. The Battle of the
Bands is in five days and we
haven’t practiced a single song.
TIM
I say we take the lollypop back and
use the song anyway. What’s she
gonna do? I bet she’s bluffing.
Tim reaches for her lollypop. Rex growls a low
growl. Beatrice gives Rex a pat and her lolly a lick.
ADAM
Well, that’s it. We can’t play.
It’s over.
DAVID
You just need some new
material. Write something new.
89.
KEVIN
Yeah, sure. You wrote her
songs. Write us a song.
ADAM
I don’t just write songs. I have
to be inspired.
BEATRICE
I’m inspiring.
She gives Rex a lick of her lolly, then jumps down from her
stool. She goes into the house with Rex.
KEVIN
Come on. Think of something.
The band sits in silent thought.
Jane enters the garage and begins to look through
boxes. She finds some paint brushes and rags.
TIM
You sure you don’t want to join the
band, Jane? You can sing your
song.
JANE
I sold my song rights for a foot
rub.
TIM
Too bad.
JANE
Why aren’t you just playing
Adam? Just play.
ADAM
We’re trying to get inspired.
JANE
She wouldn’t let you use her songs,
huh? I warned you.
ADAM
Yeah, you did.
JANE
So now what?
90.
ADAM
We’re sitting here trying to be
inspired.
JANE
Yeah, this garage is real
inspiring. Like a real
studio. Abbey frickin’ Road.
KEVIN
I wonder what inspired the Beatles?
JANE
Well, Ringo, Paul, George and John,
good luck with all this. This Yoko
has some painting to do.
The kids enter the garage. Will, Bobby, Beatrice and Rex
hop in the car. Jane hops in the car and turns it on. The
car radio blares "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds" by the
Beatles. Jane drives away, closing the garage doors as she
goes.
The band sits and thinks.
ADAM
This sucks. We’re screwed. This
band is over.
After a moment of thought, David takes out his cell phone
and sends a text.
DAVID
I hate to do this but I must. It
goes against everything I believe
in but I must. For the band.
TIM
Do what?
DAVID
Inspire.
David stands and begins to leave.
DAVID
It’s time to inspire, the old
fashioned way. Kevin, ditch the
kid.
David receives a text and smiles.
91.
DRIVEWAY - A FEW MOMENTS LATER
David is walking STEWART up the driveway. Stewart is an
awkward teen carrying a backpack. He hands David a shaker of
parsley and box of sandwich bags.
DAVID
Stewart! I told you to bag the
parsley before giving it to me.
STEWART
Oh, sorry.
David dumps some parsley into a bag and gives Stewart his
trash. Stewart tucks the trash into his backpack.
DAVID
What do I owe you for the parsley
and the bags?
STEWART
I swiped them from home
economics. Mr. Russell had us make
lasagna with sausage for our last
project.
DAVID
Stealing is wrong Stewart. Give
them back. But I do love Mr.
Russell’s sausage. Don’t tell him
I said that!
STEWART
Ok. Why do you need bagged
parsley?
DAVID
For the placebo effect.
Stewart follows David into the garage to meet the band.
DAVID
Band, this is Stewart, one of my
former students. One of the few
who still care and can stand to be
around me. He’s advanced to Ms.
Mulroney now, poor dear, such a
whore, anyways, he brought us some
inspiration.
David holds up a bag of parsley.
92.
TIM
Is that weed?
Kevin has left Charles at home.
KEVIN
Whoa. Are you sure?
DAVID
Cover your ears Stewart.
Stewart covers his ears.
DAVID
All the greatest rock stars did
drugs. It frees their minds to
create. It can inspire, or so I’ve
heard. Sex, drugs, rock and roll,
you know? Here’s the drugs.
He motions for Stewart to uncover his ears.
ADAM
I haven’t smoked since
college. What if this stuff is too
strong and I freak out?
DAVID
Stewart, cover your ears.
Stewart covers his ears.
DAVID
Don’t be such a pussy. Take a few
hits, let’s have a few beers, have
some fun and see what
inspires. We’re so concerned with
the contest that we forgot what it
means to have fun and be a band.
He motions for Stewart to uncover his ears.
TIM
Dr. Dave, you are such a rock
star. I never knew.
DAVID
Oh, the things you don’t know,
right Stewart?
David nudges Stewart.
93.
STEWART
What?
David takes out some rolling papers from his pocket.
DAVID
Close your eyes Stewart.
Stewart ignores him. David expertly rolls a joint out of
the parsley. He hands it Adam and lights it for him. Adam
takes a hit.
Adam coughs and offers it to David. David declines.
DAVID
Don’t do drugs. Just say no, right
Stewart?
STEWART
I wouldn’t smoke that.
DAVID
Good boy.
KEVIN
I will. My family is gone until
the morning. Emma’s mom picked up
the kid! Sweet!
He takes a hit. He offers it to Tim. Tim takes it.
TIM
I wouldn’t want to be rude.
Tim takes another hit of parsley and hands the joint to
Adam.
ADAM
Ok, one more but I gotta be
careful. I’m already starting to
feel it.
Adam takes another hit. David smiles at Stewart. Stewart
is confused.
GARAGE- LATER THAT NIGHT
David has his face in his phone, distracted from the band.
Adam, Kevin and Tim are sitting cross legged on the floor of
the garage, staring at their hands. A pizza box full of only
crusts lie at their side.
94.
KEVIN
It’s like, I have nipples, you
know?
TIM
Yeah, we all do.
ADAM
I have two.
TIM
Me too.
ADAM
You know, I always thought you were
a dick. You’re not a bad guy.
TIM
Thanks.
ADAM
What about me? You think I’m a
good guy?
TIM
No. You leave your dog’s shit in
my yard. You’re a dick. A huge
dick.
ADAM
That’s not me.
TIM
And you lie.
KEVIN
Weren’t we supposed to be doing
something?
Stewart is playing guitar hero on Adam’s TV.
STEWART
You were supposed to write a song.
ADAM
Oh yeah.
KEVIN
That never happened.
ADAM
We suck.
95.
TIM
No. Only you.
STEWART
What’s the big deal? Why do you
have to write a song?
TIM
For Battle of the Bands. We need
an original piece, no covers.
Adam hands Stewart the flier.
STEWART
This lame show? It’s meant for
kid’s but only rejects show up.
DAVID
Stewart, be nice.
STEWART
The judges are like fifteen years
old. Just play something they’ve
never heard. Something before 1991.
DAVID
That would be cheating.
STEWART
Whatever. Not my problem.
Stewart grabs a piece of crust and continues to play guitar
hero.
ADAM
He’s right. We could play some
obscure song that no one would
know.
TIM
Like something from The Bangles?
ADAM
What? Everyone knows The Bangles.
STEWART
I’ve never heard of them and I’m a
senior. Pick one of their lame
songs.
KEVIN
You think we should?
96.
ADAM
Everyone knows The Bangles. I
don’t think it would work.
KEVIN
Aren’t they the ones who sang that
Egyptian song?
TIM
No, that was Steve Martin. I think
they sang about going on vacation
or something.
ADAM
Are you kidding me?
Adam stands and scrolls through his phone’s music. He picks
"Walking Down Your Street" by the Bangles and plays
it. Everyone listens for a minute. Tim and Kevin shake
their heads no. Stewart laughs.
ADAM
Really? You’ve never heard this
song?
STEWART
Nope. Only a few dinosaurs like
yourself listen to that crap.
DAVID
Stewart, be nice.
ADAM
David, what do you think?
DAVID
Well, I’m ashamed of Stewart for
encouraging you to be
deceitful. Shame on you Stewart.
STEWART
Look who’s talking! You let them
smoke parsley!
TIM
What?!
DAVID
The kid’s have crazy names for
things these days. Stewart, stop
being so ghetto.
A loud banging sounds from one of the garage doors.
97.
ADAM
Shit, the cops!
Adam and Kevin try to hide the parsley in the pizza
box. Tim bolts into the house and slams the door behind
him.
The banging begins again.
UPS MAN (O.S.)
UPS. I got a package.
DAVID
It’s just the mail. Let him in.
Stewart pushes the garage door button on the wall and opens
the doors. Adam begins to nervously wave away the
smoke. Tim cautiously returns from the house with his hands
up.
ROB is the UPS man. He’s in the driveway holding an
enormous package.
ROB
I’ve got a package for Adam
Wither. It’s really heavy.
ADAM
Oh, our new water
softener. Great. Can you bring it
to the front door?
ROB
Sure.
Rob lugs the box to the front door.
TIM
You got a new water softener?
ADAM
Yeah. Jane thinks it will help
with the laundry.
TIM
Is it the ever flow model Jerry and
Linda’s son was selling?
ADAM
Maybe, why?
98.
TIM
Those have to be installed directly
into your home’s plumbing. We put
ours against the hot water tank’s
inlet valve.
ADAM
In the basement?
TIM
Yes. In the basement.
Adam hollers out the door to Rob.
ADAM
Hey, I changed my mind! Bring it
through here.
Rob returns with the box. He sets it on the garage floor.
ADAM
Hey, you can bring it
downstairs. It goes in the
basement.
Rob hands Adam a clipboard.
ROB
No. Here. I need you to sign
this. Hey, Dr. David.
DAVID
Hey, Rob. How’s things.
ROB
Hanging. You?
DAVID
Eh.
ROB
Kevin, Tim.
KEVIN
Hi Rob.
TIM
Hey Rob.
ADAM
You guys know each other?
99.
TIM
He’s been our mailman since before
you moved in. The good ol’ days.
ADAM
Oh.
ROB
How are the roses?
TIM
Dying.
ROB
Too bad.
TIM
Yeah.
ROB
Kevin, it’s Saturday. Where’s
Charles?
KEVIN
Emma’s mom has him until the
morning.
ROB
Oh, tell Susan I said hi. Is
someone having a garage
sale? What’s with all this stuff?
TIM
We’re in a band. We’re supposed to
play the Battle of the Bands
downtown next month.
ROB
At the high school? Cool.
KEVIN
Not cool. We need an original song
to play. We can’t play any covers.
ROB
How are you going to play anything
without a bass player?
ADAM
What do you mean?
100.
ROB
I don’t see a bass. Who’s going to
hold the line?
STEWART
They’re not a real band.
DAVID
Stewart, be nice. I try to add
some lines in here and there but I
can’t do everything.
David checks his phone.
ROB
I’m free. Can I join?
ADAM
What? No, we’re not holding
auditions.
TIM
Hey, that sounds great. Welcome to
the band.
Tim shakes Rob’s hand.
KEVIN
Cool! You need to go home and get
your gear? We’ve only got until
next week to practice.
Kevin shakes Rob’s hand.
ROB
I bet I’ve got something out in the
truck. Hold on.
Rob pats Adam’s arm and goes outside to his truck.
ADAM
Are we just letting anybody into
the band now?
DAVID
Rob’s a good guy.
KEVIN
Let’s at least give him a chance to
play.
101.
ADAM
I don’t know.
TIM
Maybe he could replace you.
Rob enters the garage carrying a large cardboard box. He
sets it down and quickly pulls out a large knife. He cuts
the box open. He pulls out a bass guitar and wipes off it’s
packing peanuts.
ADAM
You wrapped up your bass?
ROB
It’s not mine. This one got lost
in the mail.
Rob unplugs Adam’s guitar and plugs in his bass. He strums
a few funky chords.
TIM
Now that’s what I’m talking about?
Tim joins him.
KEVIN
Oh, yeah!
Kevin plays too. The men stop and laugh.
ROB
So what song are we gonna play?
DAVID
No one knows.
ROB
I smell lasagna? Did someone make
lasagna?
STEWART
They were smoking parsley.
ADAM
That’s what the kids are calling
it.
DAVID
They were smoking herb.
102.
ROB
You guys smoke? Do you mind if I
do too?
The band shakes their heads no. Rob pulls out a
stamped envelope containing a few joints. He takes one out
and lights it up. He hands it to Adam.
DAVID
Stewart, you should go.
STEWART
No freaking way.
GARAGE - A FEW MOMENTS LATER
The Lucky Ones play "Mr. Bake-O" by Adam Sandler. Smoke
fills the garage. All the men are naked. Stewart is still
dressed, playing guitar hero to a turned off TV. Adam
sings.
ADAM (SINGING)
I’m sitting in my chair watching
the TV
It’s not even on but there’s
plenty for me to see
I just lit some crazy ass shit,
that my friend overnight mailed to
me
I’m fucking wasted
It’s the best shit I ever tasted
I think they fucking laced it
Cause I’m so damn lambasted
Stewart takes off his shirt and continues on guitar
hero. Adam approaches Tim.
ADAM (SINGING)
Oh my friend came over so I packed
him a pipe
I told him he better go easy with
this shit but he didn’t believe the
hype
He sparked three bowls just to
show he could take it
103.
Two minutes later he was playing
backgammon naked.
Adam gets forehead to forehead with David.
ADAM (SINGING)
He’s fucking wasted
It’s the best shit he ever tasted
He’s lost in fucking spaced-ed
Cause he’s so wicked wicked
wasted.
Adam sings to Kevin.
ADAM (SINGING)
Oh I spent the last two hours
hiding under my bed
Cause I looked in the garbage can
and I think I saw my Uncle Louie’s
head
I’m fucking wasted.
Uncle Lou sleeps in an empty pizza box. Stewart goes into
the house.
ADAM (SINGING)
Well my friend blew a hit into my
pet bird’s face
The bird laughed hysterically and
started to moonwalk all over the
place
He tripped over the toaster wire
and fell on his beak
He looked at the two of us and he
started to speak.
Stewart enters dancing and carrying a lasagna.
ADAM (SINGING)
I’m fucking wasted
It’s the best shit I’ve ever
tasted
My brain’s been erased-ed
104.
Well I’m fucking fried.
Stewart starts passing out the lasagna.
ADAM (SINGING)
Now, I’m sitting in the bathtub
wanting something to eat
I wanted a pizza the bird said
Pepperoni would be sweet
Delivery guy showed up four hours
later, handed me his shoe
I said we ordered pizza buddy,
what the hell’s up with you.
ROB (SINGING)
I’m fucking wasted
It’s the best shit I ever fucking
tasted
Oh fucking shit.
ADAM (SINGING)
I’m way too baked.
The Lonely Ones finish the song. The men all nod in
agreement.
DAVID
Not bad.
TIM
No. Not too bad. The lyrics
sucked but it had a good sound.
KEVIN
It did have alot of potty talk.
The men begin to get dressed. Stewart turns on the TV and
begins to play Guitar Hero.
ADAM
Screw you!
KEVIN
What’s with the part about the
bird?
105.
TIM
Yeah.
ADAM
What? It’s funny because the
parrot talks about being wasted.
KEVIN
Maybe it could be a dog.
TIM
Everyone likes dogs.
DAVID
They should.
ADAM
Dog’s can’t talk. It has to be a
parrot.
STEWART
How about a robot?
The garage doors open. The men hurry to finish putting on
their clothes.
Jane pulls her car into the garage. Stewart starts spraying
air freshener around as Adam, Tim and Rob wave their arms
overhead to disperse the clouds of smoke.
The enormous box containing their new water softener is in
Jane’s parking spot. She begins pushing it with her car.
ROB
Whoa, whoa!
Rob tries to move the box. Kevin helps him. Adam approaches
her window.
ADAM
Careful! That’s our new water
softener!
JANE
Oh, sorry. I thought it was one of
Kevin’s drums.
Kevin gives her a dirty look as he helps Rob move the box.
ADAM
Park the car in the driveway. I’ll
pull it in later. Have the kids go
inside through the front door.
106.
JANE
Why is the mail truck parked in our
driveway so late?
ADAM
The mailman joined the band.
JANE
Oh. Cool. Hi Rob.
ROB
Hi, Mrs. Wither.
ADAM
Park outside. Take the kids inside
through the front door.
Beatrice and Rex hop out of the car. The boys do too
and grab the lasagna.
BEATRICE
Yeah! Lasagna!!!
Rex begins eating a plate of lasagna. Beatrice grabs a few
handfuls too. Kevin and Rob quickly grab their plates.
Jane leaves her car half parked and gets out.
JANE
It stinks in here. Kids, go
inside, now. Bring the lasagna.
The kids leave with the food.
ADAM
Stewart made us that lasagna.
JANE
Hi Stewart. How’s your mom?
Stewart puts on his shirt.
STEWART
Eh.
JANE
Adam, why does it smell like skunk
in here?
ADAM
Kevin farted.
107.
KEVIN
Sorry.
JANE
Adam?!? Tell the truth.
DAVID
So he smoked a little herb. No big
deal. It was just a puff or two to
loosen everyone up. My idea. You
know, sex, drugs and rock and roll.
JANE
Where is it?
Rob looks at Adam. Adam looks at David. David nods at
Rob. Rob takes out a joint and hands it to Adam.
ADAM
Sorry, honey. It won’t happen
again. I promise.
Jane takes the joint and puts it in her pocket.
JANE
Someone needs to keep a better eye
on you. All of you.
Jane approaches David and whispers in his ear.
JANE
Is the lasagna cool? Can the kids
eat it?
DAVID
Its cool. It might be spicy
though. It has sausage.
JANE
I like sausage.
Jane leaves. Rex comes running out of the house. David
looks at his phone.
DAVID
I think it’s getting late. I need
to go.
He hurries to leave. Adam follows him out.
108.
FRONT YARD
ADAM
Hey, are you ok? You seemed
distracted tonight.
DAVID
It’s nothing. No problems.
ADAM
Ok, if you say so.
DAVID
If you must know, I’ll tell
you. It’s Terrance. He took his
daughter Amy to Figi and didn’t
invite me.
David starts to cry.
DAVID
Oh, he says its because he’ll be
busy meeting her biological mother
for the first time and all but I
just know that’s not true. It’s
because they hate me. They always
have. I’m just an outsider.
ADAM
I’m sure that’s not true.
David’s phone rings. He sees that it’s a call from
Terrance. He answers it but hands the phone to Adam.
DAVID
He’ll hear I was crying. You talk
to him.
ADAM
No! Bad idea.
David turns the phone to speaker phone.
TERRANCE (O.S)
Hello?
ADAM
Um, hello? David’s phone. Dave’s
not here.
TERRANCE (O.S)
Who is this? Is this Adam?
Adam disguises his voice.
109.
ADAM
Dave’s not here, man.
TERRANCE (O.S)
This is Adam! I know this is Adam!
ADAM
I don’t know. Maybe.
TERRANCE (O.S)
Why are you answering my husband’s
phone!?
ADAM
He asked me to. I guess he’s busy
or something.
TERRANCE (O.S)
Busy doing what? Playing with your
penis!
ADAM
Hey, be nice. He’ll call you back
when he gets a chance.
TERRANCE (O.S)
I demand you put him on the
phone. Now! I demand it!
Adam hangs up the phone.
ADAM
Sorry, man. I really hate talking
to that guy.
DAVID
It’s just too much. All of this is
too much! I just can’t anymore.
David runs away crying. Rex follows him. Adam is left
holding his phone.
The band begins to leave.
ROB
Should I bring more smoke this
weekend?
ADAM
Nah. I think we’re good for
awhile.
110.
ROB
All right. Just let me know if you
change your mind. See ya.
KEVIN
Night, fellas.
TIM
Good night. Everyone
practice, especially you Adam.
Only four days away.
KEVIN
And think about getting rid of the
bird and potty talk. I kinda liked
Stewart’s robot idea.
Stewart eats lasagna out of a plastic bag as he drives away
in his car. He gives a friendly honk. Rob honks as he
drives away. Tim and Kevin walk home.
ADAM
Good night.
ADAM AND JANE’S BEDROOM
Adam is in bed texting on David’s phone. Jane is in her
pajamas by the window, smoking her joint. She blows the
smoke outside.
JANE
Wait! Did you hear that!?
ADAM
Hear what?
JANE
Was that the kids? Shit!
Jane runs to their master bathroom and flushes the
joint. She runs to the window and waves the curtains to
cleanse them before closing the window.
Adam texts more in the phone.
JANE
Who’s phone is that?
Jane grabs the phone from Adam’s hands.
111.
ADAM
Hey, don’t hit send! I have to
reread that!
JANE
Who’s T-bone?
ADAM
It’s Terrance.
JANE
You’re texting Terrance?
ADAM
He thinks I’m David.
JANE
No shit! That’s so evil.
ADAM
No it’s not!
He grabs the phone back.
JANE
What are you saying?
ADAM
Just some of the stuff David told
me, about how he feels ignored and
neglected. Like an outsider.
JANE
You said that! Let me read!
Jane grabs the phone.
ADAM
Hey, give it back!
JANE
Oh my God! You wrote all this?
ADAM
Everything after nine.
JANE
You sound just like Dr. Dave. It’s
kind of romantic. You are such a
bitch.
112.
ADAM
I’m trying to sound like him. I
want to help fix things between him
and Terrance.
JANE
By being sneaky and deceitful? Has
never worked before but good luck
with that.
ADAM
I’m the only one being honest. I
know how David feels. He just has
a hard time talking to Terrance is
all.
JANE
Hard time talking?! You’ve lost it
Mary Jane.
ADAM
Nah. I’m making it better.
BEATRICE (O.S.)
Mommy! I need you!
JANE
Shoot!
Jane grabs a bottle of perfume and douses herself. A cloud
of scent falls on Adam. It makes him cough. She tosses
Adam the phone.
JANE
All right. Be cool.
BEATRICE (O.S.)
MOMMY!!!
JANE (SCREAMING)
Coming sweetie!
Jane straightens her clothes and leaves.
Adam lies on the side of the bed, proud of himself as he
texts some more.
113.
GARAGE- NEXT DAY
Adam is wrapping up his chords. The garage door opens and
David enters.
ADAM
Hey man, I was just picking
up. You want to practice?
DAVID
Can’t. Don’t worry. I know the
song. I’m done practicing. I just
can’t anymore.
ADAM
Oh. Ok.
DAVID
Did I leave my phone here?
ADAM
Yeah. Here.
He takes David’s phone from his pocket and hands it to
David. David begins to check for messages.
ADAM
I still need practice. I keep
forgetting the closer and I wrote
it.
DAVID
That’s odd.
ADAM
What?
DAVID
All of my messages from Terrance
have been deleted.
ADAM
Really?
DAVID
How could that of happened?
ADAM
Maybe your battery died.
DAVID
It doesn’t make sense. Wait, he’s
texting me now.
114.
David reads the text to himself. He’s shocked.
DAVID
My, how vulgar!
ADAM
What did he say?
DAVID
I think he’s threatening me!
ADAM
What did he say that’s threatening?
DAVID
He said he wants to hold me down
and beg for him to stop. He said
he’s going to ruin me and then do
it again?
ADAM
Really? Sounds like dirty talk.
DAVID
Dirty talk?!
ADAM
You know, sexting. When you text
sex back and forth.
DAVID
Terrance would never do such a
thing. No one would! I’m calling
him. How dare he say such mean
things!
David calls Terrance.
ADAM
Maybe you should think about it
first. Everybody sexts. All the
kids.
DAVID
Gross. Hold on. Hello,
Terrance? How dare you say such
things!
(he listens)
You have some nerve, mister. I
have never been so close to...
(he listens)
I never said such things!
(he listens)
(MORE)
115.
DAVID (cont’d)
So profane! How could you think I
would say such things?! When have
I ever...
(he listens)
You are sadly mistaken buddy! I’m
still mad at you! You left me out
in the cold. All your hot filthy
sexting wasn’t with me.
He looks at Adam. Adam shakes his head yes.
DAVID
It was with Adam! He stole my
phone after band practice and
impersonated me!
(he listens)
I know I said band practice.
(he listens)
Yes. Now you know! We have a
band! Adam and I have always had a
band! You’d never know because
you’re never home! We are in a
band and we are going on a World
Tour and leaving all this bullshit
behind. Fuck it! I’m a solo act
now! I don’t need anyone! Not even
Adam! I’ll tour alone!
David throws his phone to the ground and runs home. Adam
picks up the phone.
ADAM
Terrance? Yeah, it’s me.
Adam listens to Terrance on the phone.
ADAM
Yeah, me too.
DOWNTOWN AT A HIGH SCHOOL BATTLE OF THE BANDS
Adam, Tim, Kevin, Charles, Rob and Stewart are back
stage. A group of dwarfs dressed as the rock band "Kiss"
are onstage and play a song that sounds sorta like "Love
Gun" but they sing "Love Hug" instead. They rock as the men
watch. Rob walks away.
KEVIN
That’s a cover! All they did was
change one word.
116.
STEWART
A cover of what?
TIM
Stewart, what are you doing here?
STEWART
It’s the Battle of the Bands.
TIM
You’re not in a band.
STEWART
Really? Bummer.
Tim is wearing an all black suit with a black shirt, tie and
fedora. Adam is wearing a white RUSH concert t-shirt and
torn jeans with work boots. Kevin is wearing a white tank
top, gray sweat pants and wool socks. Charles is helmeted,
goggled, diapered and ready to go.
TIM
What are you guys wearing? I
thought we all agreed on suits?
KEVIN
I told you, I can’t play in a
suit. I need to be able to stretch
and reach. And besides, Charles is
allergic to polyester.
TIM
This isn’t polyester! It’s shark
skin.
ADAM
You wore all black? Aren’t you
afraid you’ll just blend in to your
clothes?
TIM
Racist. I’m not black. I’m more
of a mocha caramel. This suit is
midnight black, the tie is charcoal
briquette and the shirt is actually
moonrise blue but you can’t
tell. I look slick! You guys look
like shit.
Kevin covers Charles ears.
117.
KEVIN
Watch the potty talk! This is what
I always wear at home when I
play. It’s the most comfortable
thing I own. I need to be able to
move around my kit.
ADAM
Besides, it’s not like anyone ever
really sees the drummer.
KEVIN
Thanks a lot.
TIM
Adam, what are you wearing?
ADAM
My favorite RUSH concert
t-shirt. Jane brought this back
for me when she went to Canada.
TIM
You really think it’s a good idea
to be wearing the name of another
band on your shirt?
KEVIN
RUSH is a great band.
Adam and Kevin high five.
TIM
RUSH is a pretty good band, but
that’s not the point. When you are
out on stage wearing that, everyone
is going to be looking at you and
your shirt and they’ll be thinking
RUSH. Then they’ll look at you
again and realize you suck. You’re
no RUSH. They’ll think we suck
too. I’m no Alex Lifeson, Kevin’s
no Neil Peart and you’re no Geddy
Lee.
KEVIN
Adam does have the nose.
TIM
They’ll look at you and think we
suck and want to hear RUSH instead
because you suck.
118.
ADAM
Everyone loves RUSH.
KEVIN
Tom Sawyer, am I right?
Adam and Kevin high five.
TIM
Did you bring another shirt you can
wear?
ADAM
Why would I bring another shirt?
TIM
Well, this one has a mustard stain
on it for one.
ADAM
They were selling hotdogs out
front. It’s not that big of a
stain.
Adam licks the stain on his shirt.
ADAM
No one’s going to see it from the
audience.
TIM
I’d let you borrow one of my extra
shirts but you’re too fat and you’d
probably just get mustard on them.
ADAM
You carry around extra shirts? How
odd.
TIM
Kevin, do you have anything he can
wear?
Kevin looks in his bag.
KEVIN
All I’ve got are some diapers, baby
powder, a spit towel, duct tape and
Emma’s breast milk.
TIM
Maybe we could tape the spit towel
over Adam’s shirt. How big is the
towel?
119.
ADAM
You’re not taping a towel over my
shirt.
KEVIN
I think Tim is right. You’re
advertising another band. Not good
for us.
TIM
How about you just go shirtless?
KEVIN
Like Iggy Pop or Madonna!
TIM
Yeah!
ADAM
I’m not going shirtless!
KEVIN
How about you at least turn it
around?
Adam puts his shirt on backwards.
TIM
I can still see RUSH on the top.
KEVIN
How about inside out?
Adam turns his shirt inside out and puts it on.
KEVIN
I don’t see RUSH.
TIM
But I still see the stain. Put
your shirt on inside out and
backwards.
Adam wears his shirt inside out and backwards.
KEVIN
That looks pretty good.
TIM
It’s better, not good.
120.
ADAM
The collar kinda chokes my neck.
Tim grabs the collar and begins to stretch it out. Adam
tries to stop him.
ADAM
Let go of Jane’s shirt! You’ll
stretch it out!
Tim begins chocking Adam. Adam grabs Tim’s tie and suit
collar. Kevin pulls the men apart.
KEVIN
Hey! Be cool! We’re a band! A
band for goodness sake! We’ve
gotta stay cool and work together
to do this! Get it together!
Everyone calms down.
TIM
He’s right. We go on soon.
ADAM
Where’s David? He should have been
here by now.
KEVIN
I don’t think he’s coming. He was
really upset when I talked to him.
ADAM
When did you talk to him?
KEVIN
This morning. He was walking Rex
and we got to talking. Then he got
a text from Terrance and burst into
tears.
TIM
Yeah, he’ll do that.
KEVIN
Then he said he had to
leave. Something about getting
clothes and going to the
airport. I think he left for
Figi. I don’t think he’s gonna
make it tonight.
121.
TIM
I’ve been calling him all afternoon
but he won’t answer. I hope his
battery isn’t dead.
ADAM
I think I know why he’s so upset.
STEWART
Because you were secretly sexting
his husband, Terrance?
ADAM
You know?
KEVIN
He told everyone.
TIM
I read about it in his weekly
newsletter. Don’t you read them?
The tiny Kiss band finishes to tepid applause. They leave
the stage.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
How about a big hand for
Hugs. Thanks fellas.
The tiny band Hugs push by The Lucky Ones.
DEMON
Try to top that!
Hugs high five each other and leave.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Next up is Big B and his Badass
Beats.
Three boys in black motocross gear and helmets with face
masks push past The Lucky Ones and onto the stage. The boys
all carry computer tablets.
ADAM
What’s this crap?
Big B and his Badass Beats plug their tablets into the sound
system. A song starts to play over the speakers. It’s
mostly screaming, fart noises and bird calls with a sick
drum beat and killer bass line. The boys stand motionless,
facing the audience, holding their tablets above their heads
as the song plays for them. The tablets show pictures of
122.
kittens and explosions and skateboarding cats exploding and
swirling strobing rainbows of color with the occasional
flicker of a goat’s face or unicorn.
STEWART
That’s Billy Baker and his
skateboard buddies.
ADAM
Billy Baker? The kid Will was
talking about? The one that
graffitied the park?
TIM
Punk.
KEVIN
They’re not even playing
instruments. So unfair.
A fifteen year old girl with a clipboard approaches the
band.
GIRL
You guys can set up next once we
pull the curtain.
KEVIN
Thanks.
Tim tries to call David. No one answers. He gets
frustrated.
TIM
This really sucks. David was the
leader of this band. The best
player too.
KEVIN
Our heart and soul.
ADAM
Hey, I wrote the song. We’ve got
this. We don’t need him.
TIM
Yes we do. We suck, especially
you.
Billy B and his Badass Beats finish their song. They push
past The Lucky Ones.
123.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Thanks Big B and his Badass
Beats. That was, something. Now
we’re going to take a break and let
the next band set up their
equipment. Please visit the tables
in the hallway where the PTA is
selling cupcakes and juice boxes to
help the cause. All proceeds
benefit our sponsor, the "Just Say
NO!" program. Just Say No! helps
our school counsel our youth on the
evils of drug and alcohol
abuse. Support the cause. Just Say
No!
ADAM
Did he say drug and alcohol abuse?
TIM
He did.
KEVIN
Our song is called "Mr.
Bake-O". We’re screwed.
TIM
How could we not know?
Stewart hands them each a flier for the show. The men read
carefully.
TIM
I don’t see it anywhere.
KEVIN
Why isn’t it written down
somewhere?
STEWART
It’s on the back.
The band turn over their fliers.
ADAM
Oh. I guess we never turned it
over.
TIM
We can’t play Mr. Bake-O and it’s
the only thing we’ve
rehearsed. We’re screwed. We need
Jane.
124.
ADAM
This band is over. Let’s leave
before they call our name.
David suddenly appears, guitar in hand, wearing his pink
"The Lucky Ones" t-shirt.
DAVID
Leave! We still need to rock this
bitch!
David tosses Adam his pink shirt.
ADAM
David!
Adam hugs David. David pushes his off.
DAVID
Easy Adam, Terrance is here. I
just calmed him down.
ADAM
Terrance is here? Where?
DAVID
I left him in the crowd with your
families.
Adam peeks out into the crowd. He sees and angry Terrance
sitting with Jane and his kids. Will is wearing a black
motocross outfit. A helmet with a face mask sits on his
lap.
TIM
I’m so glad you’re here but none of
it matters. This is a drug
awareness concert and our song is
called Mr. Bake-O.
DAVID
I thought you knew?
ADAM
We didn’t know! You knew?!
DAVID
Of course I knew. It was all over
the back of the flier. I assumed
you knew.
125.
ADAM
If I knew, why would I write a song
called Mr. Bake-O?
DAVID
I thought you were trying to be
ironic.
KEVIN
I never did understand irony.
DAVID
So we’re not going to play your
song?
ADAM
Of course not! We’ll look like
dicks!
DAVID
There are worse things to look
like.
TIM
We were going to sneak out the back
before they called our name.
KEVIN
That’s a good idea. Let’s go.
ADAM
It sucks, but it’s the only
way. I’ll explain it to the family
when we get in the car. I guess I
messed it up again. By the
way. I’m really sorry man. I
never should have, you know.
David sees the disappointment on his band members’
faces. He takes out his phone and scrolls through it’s
music.
DAVID
This is so embarrassing and I am so
mad at Adam, but I do sacrifice for
my loyalty to the band. I’m a
doctor for goodness sakes. I know a
song we can play.
TIM
Who wrote it?
126.
DAVID
I did. It’s called Murder. I
wrote it after someone I adored
murdered my heart. I won’t name
names but I was inspired to write
it while staring off into the stars
one cold cold lonely night a long
time ago pondering my place in this
cruel cruel universe. I never
meant for anyone else to ever play
it but I guess we must if it saves
us.
Stewart plugs David’s phone into his computer. He finds the
music and begins to play it for everyone to hear.
Rob walks up to them naked. He claps his hands.
ROB
So, we ready to go?
STAGE OF BATTLE OF THE BANDS
A fifteen year old boy wearing a One Direction t-shirt is on
stage behind the microphone, announcing the show. An
enormous "Just Say NO!" banner hangs overhead.
ANNOUNCER
This last band is a bunch of grown
men from the suburbs. Their kids
don’t even go to this school. They
call themselves The Lucky
Ones. Let’s see if they’re
right. How about a big hand for
The Lucky Ones.
The curtains open.
Everyone in the band has put a pink "The Lucky Ones" t-shirt
on over their current outfits. Rob is wearing boxer shorts
and tube socks too.
The Lucky Ones begin playing "Moyda" by Adam Sandler.
ADAM (SINGING)
Schnine.
The Lucky Ones rock.
ADAM (SINGING)
He’s a pretty good guy
(MORE)
127.
ADAM (SINGING) (cont’d)
He’s nice to his neighbors
You can count on him to buy your
school candy bars
He’s a real nice guy, he’s always
got the jumper cables
He’ll take your mail in when
you’re on vacation
He’s a good-hearted man,
volunteers at the library. He’ll
help you find a book on whales
He’s a thoughtful man, remembers
your birthday.
Says God bless you when you sneeze
But there’s a problem, it’s not
your average problem, but it’s a
pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
BAND (SINGING)
His hobby is moyda.
ADAM (SINGING)
His hobby is moyda
He’ll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda.
The band rocks.
ADAM (SINGING)
He’s a friendly guy
He waves to all the joggers
Children use his backyard as a
short-cut through the yard
He’s a real sweet guy, he’ll take
you to the airport, you can borrow
his snow blower any time you want,
you know that.
He’s a cool cool guy! He always
recycles
128.
Referees the Junior High
basketball for no pay
He’s a great, great man
He’ll sign your petition
Then proceed to compliment your
new haircut
But there’s a problem
It’s not a common problem
But it’s a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
BAND (SINGING)
His hobby is moyda
ADAM (SINGING)
His hobby is moyda.
South of the boyda
He’s wanted for moyda
Here he comes.
Adam approaches Tim.
ADAM (SINGING)
Hey Tim, how ya doing?
How’s the garden coming?
You know, it’s interesting
I just read at the library
That you need to rotate the soil
To get real plump, red roses
Oh, and one more thing
My hobby is moyda
Two, three, four.
Stewart runs on stage and does a hippy dance. He rips off
his pink shirt as he dances around flailing.
129.
ADAM(SINGING)
I’m a sick man. Murder!
My hobby is moyda
My hobby is moyda
I’ll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda
Adam goes into a special slurred scat as he bobbles his head
and rolls his eyes.
ADAM (SINGING)
I never loiter, after committing
the dirty deed of moyda.
He special scats and bobbles some more.
ADAM (SINGING)
Only Sigmund Freuda, knows why I
cannot and will not stop committing
moyda
Murder, murder, murder, murder,
murder
The band finishes to applause. The band and shirtless
Stewart take a bow.
The announcer runs onstage.
ANNOUNCER
Thanks. That was great. I think
we all know the big winner tonight!
The announcer holds up a large envelope.
ANNOUNCER
The winner of the thousand dollar
grand prize and champion of this
year’s Battle of the Bands is the
obvious choice! Big B and his
Badass Beats! Congratulations
fellas.
Billy B and the Badass Beat walk on stage, but without
Will. They claim their prize. The Lucky Ones look
disappointed. The tiny band Hugs runs on stage.
130.
DEMON
This is bullshit! It’s
discrimination and you know it!
STARCHILD
Just another beauty contest.
ADAM
Beauty contest? You couldn’t even
see their faces.
STARCHILD
You stay out of this, jack off.
KEVIN
You guys played a cover. It said
no covers!
DEMON
How about I cover my foot up your
fat ass.
The announcer runs off stage. The Starchild from Hugs pushes
Billy B. Adam moves in to defend him.
ADAM
Easy Paul Stanley. He’s just a
kid.
STARCHILD
I’m wearing makeup. I’m Star
Child!
Starchild punches Adam in the balls, taking him down. David
reacts.
DAVID
No friggin’ way!
David picks up Star Child and tosses him into the
crowd. The Demon attacks David, taking him down. David
screams a high pitched scream as he falls. The Star Child
recovers and rushes the stage. Terrance rushes the stage.
Tim tries to pull the Demon off of David as Adam cradles his
own aching balls. Billy B hits Tim from behind with his
tablet. Tim goes down.
The stage erupts into a brawl.
131.
Cat Man knocks over Kevin’s drums to attack him. Kevin
stands back, Charles still strapped to his chest. Kevin
covers his son. Cat Man stops and smiles at the baby. He
instantly changes to a better demeanor and waves at
Charles. Charles pukes in his face.
The giant man is onstage with Adam. Both are being pinned
down to the ground by a tiny KISS army.
The brawl continues with Hugs getting the upper hand.
Jane is in the audience recording with her cell phone and
laughing hysterically.
BACKSTAGE
The kids are out running around the stage with Rex. The
auditorium is empty. The adults sit backstage on piles of
boxes.
Jane holds a juice box to Adam’s black eye. Terrance holds
a juice box to David’s blacker eye.
Tim’s wife walks him sadly away in his torn suit. Kevin is
eating a cupcake with Rob. He gives Charles a lick.
JANE
Night Judy. See you at Tuesday’s
cooking class. Take care of Tim.
Rob gets up and leaves.
ROB
I need to get high. I’m going
outside.
KEVIN
Emma’s picking me up. I got time.
Kevin hands Charles to Jane. Charles is happy. Rob and
Kevin leave. Beatrice runs up to Jane and takes Charles
with her back to the stage. Jane hugs her husband.
Adam nudges David.
ADAM
Hugs really kicked our ass.
DAVID
I may have teeth marks on my ass.
132.
JANE
Those little dudes destroyed
you! And on stage even! Best
night ever!
DAVID
Jane, you’re such a rock star.
TERRANCE
No, honey, you are. You were
amazing tonight. I mean it. I
wouldn’t have missed it for the
world.
DAVID
You know it was all for you.
TERRANCE
I haven’t heard you play that song
in years. I remember the first
time you sang it to me. We were
drunk in the community garden,
right after my divorce from Adam.
You let me have anal. You were
trying to cheer me up. You were
always such a good neighbor to Amy
and me. A wonderful friend. The
perfect husband.
DAVID
You were and still are the best.
ADAM
Your divorce from Adam?
DAVID
Adam is his ex-husband’s name too.
Terrance and Adam used to live in
your house, until you bought it
after the divorce. Terrance and I
met as neighbors.
Jane laughs.
JANE
You didn’t know? Classic!
ADAM
Terrance, thanks for pulling Billy
B and his Beat off of me
before. They really caught me off
guard.
133.
TERRANCE
My pleasure. That kid needed a
good ass kicking.
DAVID
Oh, so brute. I love it.
TERRANCE
And I love you.
DAVID
I know you do.
They begin a long open mouthed kiss. Terrance holds David
tight.
ADAM
Ah, does that mean you guys made
up?
DAVID
We made up on the ride over here,
if you know what I mean.
David nudges Adam and makes a blow job motion with his
hand. Adam flinches.
ADAM
Ouch. My ribs! I think tiny Gene
Simmons may have cracked a rib.
JANE
At least you guys got second place.
DAVID
A gift certificate to Target. As
if.
ADAM
We can give it to Tim. He can buy
some fertilizer for his flowers.
JANE
Maybe if Adam hadn’t acted so silly
at the end, you guys could have
won. It was a good song. I’ve
never heard you guys play that one
before.
DAVID
It was the band’s first time. And
it’s last. Adam did change a few
of the words, I noticed.
134.
TERRANCE
Your true song remains in my heart.
The men begin to make out again.
Adam farts.
They share a laugh. Adam and David laugh in pain.
Will enters the backstage and approaches his parents.
WILL
Are you ok, Dad?
ADAM
I’ll be fine.
WILL
Good. You really got your butt
kicked.
DAVID
And bit.
ADAM
So, I think I saw you up there
tonight. Weren’t you one of
Billy’s Badass Beats for the show?
WILL
Yeah. I had to though, I didn’t
want to. I made a promise to the
band and had to keep it. I quit
them right after, though.
DAVID
Good idea.
ADAM
You quit? I guess that’s good.
JANE
What are you going to do with your
part of the prize money, sweetie?
WILL
Here’s the money for the paint and
brushes you bought.
JANE
Thanks. No tip?
135.
WILL
I told Bobby I’d lend him some
money for the skateboard he wants
too.
ADAM
That’s nice of you.
David starts to cry. Terrance consoles him.
WILL
Thanks Dad.
Adam gives his son a hug and a kiss on top of the head.
ADAM
You turned out good. I’m proud of
you. I love you son.
WILL
I know. Me too.
David begins a hard cry. Adam sheds a tear too. Stewart
plays with his single chest hair.
Will runs back to be with the kids on stage. Adam wipes away
a tear. David begins a hard cry. He hands Adam a Nike
handkerchief so Adam can dry his eyes.
DAVID
I’m really going to miss all this?
ADAM
What do you mean?
DAVID
When Terrance and I leave for Figi.
ADAM
You’re going to Figi? For how
long?
DAVID
We’re moving there. Didn’t you
know?
ADAM
No!
DAVID
Didn’t you read my newsletter?
136.
ADAM
No.
DAVID
How about my blog or tweets?
ADAM
No.
JANE
It was all over Facebook this
morning. I thought you knew.
ADAM
I didn’t know! How would I know?
Why are you moving to Figi? It’s
not because of me, is it?
DAVID
Of course not! Why would it be
because of you? You have nothing
to do with anything. Terrance
feels Amy would benefit from being
closer to her biological mother so
he’s working out of his corporate
office there. Terrance’s Adam is
throwing a fit but he can eat shit
and choke on it. I’m going to
teach music therapy at the hospital
and hopefully lecture a few classes
at the University. We leave
tomorrow.
ADAM
Tomorrow! Wow. I don’t know what
to say. I’m going to miss you,
doc.
DAVID
I know. But, for now, I must set
you free.
Both men burst into tears and fall into their spouses’ arms.
JANE
I guess I better drive us girls
home. Come on kids, lets wrap it
up. This is the end.
BEATRICE (O.S.)
Do it like I told you boys! One,
two three four!
CUT TO:
137.
STAGE
Beatrice is playing guitar. Will is holding his Dad’s
guitar. Bobby is playing bass and Charles is next to a
fallen set of drums, holding sticks.
The kids begin playing "Four Years Old" by Adam Sandler.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
Hey,why’d you wake me from my nap,
I’m not in the mood to play your
games or sit on your lap.
Her parents dance backstage. She points at her father.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
You! Where’s my Yankees drinking
glass? I want some juice and I
want it right now so you better
move your ass.
Beatrice wipes her nose with her sleeve.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
And feel bad for me because I’m
just getting over a cold. I’m four
years old! I’m four years
old! I’m four years old!
Kevin and Rob return with Emma. Jane is playing air-guitar
to the side of the stage. Stewart is hippy dancing again.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
Someone better tie my shoes, now!
Charles rocks his Dad’s drum kit.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
I run down the hall, I scream and I
yell and I cry cuz I fell. Bring
the rubbing alcohol. Outside I get
mud on my shoe. I come back in the
house, I get it on the rug. The
cleanings up to you. And I won’t
take a bath, unless you make
Spagetti-o’s. I’m four years old!
I’m four years old! I’m four years
old!
Beatrice kicks over the her amplifier.
138.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
Mommy reads to me at
night. Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory!
Beatrice leans her back against a sitting Rex as she plays
guitar. She turns and gets nose to nose with Rex.
BEATRICE SINGING)
Well, I can’t have a job and I
can’t go to school, if no grownups
are around I can’t go near the
pool. I’m not allowed to climb my
neighbor’s apple tree. I’m not
allowed to sit too close to the
TV.
Beatrice walks up to her brothers.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
And I don’t know how to drive and I
don’t know how to spell. But if I
hear my brother cursing, I do know
how to tell. Cuz he made me eat
some bread that was covered in
mold.
Will laughs to himself. Bobby looks at Will and chuckles.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
I’m four years old! I’m four
years old! I’m four years old!!!
Charles pukes all over Beatrice’s untied shoe.
BEATRICE (SINGING)
He just threw up like Mommy!
The kids close the show.
DAVID
I love it.
BEATRICE
You couldn’t afford it.
FIN