Kerala Uncyclopedia

 

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Kerala From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia. “Where'd the roads go? rivers all over the place.”

Kerala

~ Bush on his visit to Kerala

God's Own Cundry

“In communism it is the votes that are important and not the roads. ”

%2525257C

~ Achuthananthan on commenting on Bush

“"It is said that that if Malayalees from all over the world started thinking, the lower islands shall be sebmeged in cocnut oil, and global warming shall finally occur" . ” ~ Oscar Wilde on commenting on Bush

“"Turn over a rock anywhere in the world, and there will be somebody from Kerala" ”

Flag

Coat of Arms

~ Oscar Wilde Motto: "Hartal's own country"

“Don't count coconuts b4 they hatch” ~ Mahatma Gandhi on Kerala

Anthem: "Manasa maine Varoo"

“Wating till the airport workers get fed up with their strike..” ~ Oscar Wilde on visiting Kerala Kerala is a 100% illiterately literate desi land. The language is

Malayalam which is the same forwards or backwards. Kerala is one of the survival place of endangered species like liontailed monkeys and communists. Indeed, Kerala is the place where the communists made history by democratically getting elected in 1957 to form a government for the first time in the world. it may be the only place in the where the public protested and made a closure of all instiution and roads on the death of iraq president sadam hussain(may be not even iraqis). The victory was a result of making a pre-election promise by the Communist Party that they will bring technology from USSR to extract odorless Vodka from coconut trees and supply them free. Kerala has a unique demographic characteristic among Indian states - there are no Christians in the northern district of Malappuram and no Muslims in the southern district of Kottayam. Lunghi, Saree and 24 carat jewellery export via checked-in luggage has trippled ever since its intelligent workers started immigrating all around the world for doing business right from space down to the underworld. This makes the state of Kerala lying in the southern most tsunami-proof looking coastal part of India, the No.1 foreign currency earner and spender. Contents 

1 Entrance 2 History 3 People & Culture 4 Naming of a Malayalee 5 Flora and Fauna 6 Language Policy 7 Art and Literature 8 Lack of organisation 9 Politics 10 Sport

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The state of Kerala in India

Capital

ThreeVanDrum

Previous capital

madirasi (pandi pattanam) (now they have gone to the wolves)

Largest city

Coco chin

Official language(s)

Malayalam,Tullu,Chiniis(all hail Malayalam,Tullu,Chiniis(all chairman Mao)

Government

 Not 4 the People People

National Hero(es)

Jayan, Sreesanth aka palarivattam shashi, Sir Mammoos, Sri PotbellyLal, Leader Karunji, VS Achumama, 10 000 000 ASSociation Leaders, LionTailed Monkey, Madhu, Jayabharathi, Nair from chayakada, Inspector Balram, T. P. Balagopalan M.A., Master Tintumon, Miss Dundumol, Shakeela., Santhosh Pandit.

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11 Festivals 12 Economy 13 Arts 14 Koralam 15 Notes

Entrance

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Declaration of Independence

{{{Independence}}}

Currency

Coconuts,Riyal/Dinar 

Religion

Communism and Communalism

Population

 Not Bad - May May increase or decrease according to climate

Internet TLD

.coco

There is a private engineering college at every town right now and government pledged to expand it to every village. those walk inhas from the CITU & INTUC waiting sheds.Per-capitation, donation & admission to these colleges are offered for

History An axe-throwing competition was conducted by Mr. Shiva on Mt. Everest for local gods (Sponsored by IBM; What * makes * you * Special). Some chap called AxeRaman threw his axe in the wrong direction to the Arabian Ocean rather than the White House. Eventually, he was disqualified but his misthrown axe created Kerala (For God's sake don't ask how). Conflicting theories link Kerala to be a part of the primeval middle-east, that drifted off during the continental shift. This explains the fascination for the 'Gelf'. 78% of Keralites are settled in the Gelf. This theory gains support from the fact that Keralites actually 'werk' in the Gelf. the productivity of an average Malayali in Kerala is 0.28% compared to 67.12% in the Gelf! This theory is dismissed by the Hindu right-wing as an Islamist propoganda. Said ancient historian Dhruv Ragunathan, "Wow, it really smells like curry here." A parallel explanation for the conception of Kerala began in the Sangam Era, when the creators of Tamil banished a group of lesser beings to the hills for their inability to say anything without the use of -zh, thus was formed one of the most complicated languages and a race of people addicted to bananas and coconuts. Meanwhile, the axe that was thrown has been recently discovered lying in a gutter in the middle of the M.C.Road Highway.

People & Culture People of Kerala are called Keralite, but only sometimes. Mostly they are just called Malayalees or in short mallus. They, the people, are found of playing Big Brother and keep an eye on everything that goes on in the neighborhood, poking their noses into what is necessary and what is not (mostly the latter). What is perhaps the most surprising aspect of this population is that this group is not restricted only to the island of Kerala, no matter where you go you'll find one Malayali or the other, the legend goes that there is a Malayali hut on the surface of moon, serving the Americans and Russians since 1969. In fact Malayalees apparently grow tapioca on the moon to satisfy their desire for tapioca and fish curry! Gold is the general craze, with people mortgaging their properties to buy gold to make their neighbors go green with envy, and show off their "Status" in the society. People of Kerala purchases 10kg of gold every 5 minutes, only to have it stolen the next night. Although almost 100% literate (ministers are exempted from literacy requirement, and also movie stars), Keralites are still unable to figure out the ill effects of alcohol consumption, average age of drinking is somewhere around 10 years. The second largest source of income for Kerala Government apart from coconuts is from alcohol, around Rs.150Cr (US$ 200) that's bucks per year for an increase of one Buck B uck each bottle. In general people are friendly, sometimes even too "friendly" and assume too much freedom. Women in this part of the country suffer from a rather strange disease called The Dry Eye E ye Syndrome. A celebrated paper by Thendi Varghese, Prof Juggrerlerist University Of Thotapura, claims to have found links between the Dry Eye Syndrome and Serial Mayhem which starts every day at 7 in the evening...But now, a new phenomenon called Idea star singer has changed all that. Idea star singer 2008, which is scheduled to run from 2008 to 2020(yes a million episodes!!) is a runaway hit in Kerala. They call it the MEGA SERIAL! In addition to Alzheimer's disease another disease called Hallucination is a new pandemic to the cultural leaders, but film stars has been exempted from this. All its netizens with a keyBORED and Internet connection are boastful about themselves in Orkut, a site where Google employees are paid to generate content of jerk nature for the jobless Malayalee-public. People of Kerala speak a popular  phonetically pleasing sign language called Malayalam, so they are referred as Malayalees. When Malayalees wake up in the

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morning, their primary ritual is to update their Orkut/Facebook profile and upload the latest buttogenic photos in their colourful lunghis and sarees, taken in a "phooriegn" land. The next step is to self-glorify them by using Orkut publicity scraps or Facebook walls. How to spot a Keralite or a Malabari: - They can be found just standing under the sun, shaking their heads, like those dogs and dolls on car dashboards. (they maybe watching coconuts swaying in the breeze) - They say "Pendium" instead of saying Pentium. - They pronounce yellow as 'ello ?!' - They pronounce love as 'lau' - They will abruptly stop whatever they are doing, stand upright, close their eyes and beam at you, with a smile. - If you see a large glob of o f oil floating in the distance, know that it is a Malayalee's head ! - They use English Language like: "Just I want w ant to say your decreasing my all confidence I really wish to work very hardly and you know me also very well" - They make sardarji's their bitches(suck ..idt) - They eat rice on banana leaf.

Naming of a Malayalee THE MALAYALEE NAME FORMULA REVEALED! It has been a well kept secret for eons, but finally Itty Boben Jacob Elias Kuruvilla from Pazhookaville, near Thelmasherry, Kerala has consented to let us publish this classified Mallu formula, on the naming of Mallu kids. a. Select a combination of both the mother's and father's names. eg: Suresh and Sharon = Susha, or Joseph and Beena = Jobi.  b. The addition of a 'mon' (meaning son) or 'mol' (meaning daughter) is optional. eg: Sus Sushamol, hamol, Jobimon c. To attach a modern anglicised feel to the names, the mol or mon can be replaced with boy or girl. eg: Jobiboy, Sushagirl. d. For the  politically correct correct Keralite famil family, y, mol and mon can be replaced by the unive universal rsal 'kutty'(child), which can be used for both  boys and girls! eg: eg: Jokutty, Susikutty Even parents having combination names can still give their children suitable names eg: Libi and Jobi = Lijo However, in the scenario where the parents already have combination names that cannot form more comprehensible child names. eg: Itty and Amukutty, would produce only Itam (which doesn't even sound like a name), or Amit A mit (which is like Northie and stuff), then: a. Use an English word like Baby, Merry, Titty, Pearly, Smiley, Anarchy, etc. b. Use a combination of two English names that you think sound cool (but never cool enough) like Meredith + Gina = Megi, or Sharon + Darlene =Sharlene c. Use a name fromorthe Bible (anda not Nebuchadnezzar! oneword that even grandma can pronounce!) likeJustinTimberlake Jacob, Sam, John,etc. Joseph, Matthew, Jijo! d. Use name that sounds likeUse a cuss but isn't. eg: Boben, Prussy, Shagi,  Note: The use of the letter 'j' is useful in the naming of ssibling ibling where names tha thatt sound alike are a nnovelty. ovelty. eg: Ajji, Sajji, Majji, Bhajji and Nimajji, or Sijo, Lijo, Jijo, Jojo, Majo, Anjo, Mojo, Panjo, Banjo,

Flora and Fauna The national tree of Kerala is the coconut tree. Believe it or not, the state s tate gets its name from 'keram' the Malayali word for coconut tree. No one still knows why it is not Thengalam (thenga is Malayalam for coconuts). Keralites display their identity by smothering themselves - head to toe - with coconut oil. Mosquitoes are the national bird and drunkards (both crawling and on four legs) are the national animals of Kerala. National festival of Kerala is 'Harthals' (formerly called 'Bandhs') which occur at least once in every week for whatever reason available. During Harthals, protesters peacefully commit acts of "violence". Acting on a report suggesting their endangerment, the 'gevermend' has announced at-least half-hour power cuts every evening to ensure their nourishment. Kochi is the main tourist spot. Watching mosquitoes, "mosquito hunting", nowadays with Chinese electric bats, and listening to Mosquito songs are the main activities in do Kochi.

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Language Policy Talk English to everyone. Need not be meaningful, but need to be English. A mix words like yeah, ok, hello, missed call, recharge, shit! etc. will do. Pretend to know Hindi, don't speak that. Speak Malayalam only when you are dying or starving or cursing. Ok, here's a tip: Never talk malayalam in schools. You'll find yourself being fined or even worse bald-headed in a short while! Beware... Spoken Manglish (A hybrid of Malayalam and English) is the benchmark for speaking english in India and most teachers and professors of English in schools and colleges across the country are Malayali. Some historians also refer to Ranjini Haridas as the founder of Manglish language. One Malayali, Arundhati Roy, broke all records with her bombastic English  by winning the Booker prize: prize: awarded each year bbyy the Queens of English iinn Britain. After winni winning ng the Booker with her novel, Dog of Small Thongs she's shifted her focus to destroying the Narmada Dam with her similar bombastic rhetoric. Displayed on the right is a video lesson by Loyola Kutty, one of the finest teachers of English, Kerala has to offer, to young students of Jam University in New Delhi. This particular tutorial is titled, Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want!  The one and only Suresh 'just remember that' Gopi is widely acclaimed as the father of English in Kerala. His movies have a liberal dose of English in his dialogues (and titles) which makes the average Malayalee think he is from Hollywood! He H e is credited with the introduction of 'shit' to Manglish. The Kerala state has also established a Tullu academy for their cousin Tullu brethren in Kasargod to woos Tullus in neighbouring Mangalore-Udupi to unite with Kerala and rename it as Para shoo ram Shetra in honour of the founder of ancient kokonut land of Kerala. Actually there are several school of thoughts regarding the language policy of kerala. One is that, of all the variances of language the malabar variant, especially the malappuram slang is considered the most purest form. Common literature bits written in this variant often include the original scripts such as nhammal(I), ingal(U), on(he), ol(she), orie(their), onte(his), onte(his), ole(her), puyappla(husband), pandyala(office), kachodam(business). etc....

Art and Literature Eventhough most of the educated people are illetterate, arts and literature industry are strong and act as the backbone of kerala culture. Many people, who are capable of nothing has survived becasue of art and literature. Normally Keralites are not interested in all these stuffs.But as they have to keep an image of literate people infront of the world to obtain jobs in other countries, they do something and show it as the most powerful form of art and literature in thje world. Actually speaking, what they do with art and literature is beating around and around the bush.Famouse mouse capturist, Gerald Kuttappan told that art and literature in kerala could be taall as a cocut tree and fat as a jackfruit.

Lack of organisation Although Keralites lack organisation as a whole, they have created a multitude of organisations as associations, thanks to communism. A few samples are Association of Beggers in East Thrissur (ABET), All Kerala Puking Drunkards Organisation (AKePuDO), International Coconut Leaf Merchants Association (ABCD). Every street in Kochi features a dormant association classified as Residents Association, with the name of the corresponding street attached to it. The main activities of such associations are to waste time in meetings.

Politics You vote for the left... You vote for the right...Left.. right...Left...Right...Left. .Right...Left. Make sure you vote for the party not in power at the Central Government, so not much money will come from Delhi. The other opposition parties are mainly subsidiaries of Congress and most often are never even successful in getting a single vote. Yep.... they don't count for shit. The main Congres parties are Kerala Congress(A), Kerala K erala Congress(B), Kerala Congress(C), Kerala Congress(D), Kerala Congress (E).................... (E).......... ................. ....... Kerala Congress(Z), not to mention the D. I. C -K party faction.

Sport Kerala upholds its own Indian Premier League Team, which was announced lately. One name pending consideration is the "Kochi Kunjumons". Elephant running, Bull running, dog running, Cat running, Lion-tailed monkey running (Now-a-days the only one left on earth is always the champ)... Cricket (Only one person in the entire state plays it, that too because he was unable to find a  job as a break dancer),counter-strike: dancer),counter-strike:source(one source(one guy plays that and he always end up los losing...afk) ing...afk) Long Jump ((One One person  plays that) Soccer (somebody play that) Street Fight (Everybody pl plays ays that).

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Of late, the passion for Keralites is taking part in Hartal. This all started with the Supreme S upreme court banning bandhs. The everintelligent Malayalees could easily convert this threat to an opportunity by re-christening "Bandh" as "Hartal". Though not detailed in the media Kerala's favourite game is 'Thappal', literally translated it means 'to search'. This game is usually played by the youth as well as Grandpas G randpas of Kerala at cinemas and local buses, the objective is to touch as many female body parts ( age doesn't matter ) in a very short period of time. If however there is a tie in the score between two or more players then the away bus rule applies the person whose done it in the bus which is not his regular haunt. Well, ministers as they are elected play this in flights or in Ice cream parlours. How can you expect them to travel in bus? Women who do not like to be played with, carry safety pins to ward off the players. Kerala government has announced to constitute a Kerala Hartal Academy. For a change, this academy will not be based at Trichur, but in Kannur.

Festivals Harthal : d ay any time, usually with a short notice. Harthal is the national festival of kerala. They celebrate Harthal in any season any day The state beverages corporation provides 750 ml of alcohol per person per hartal, which is a constitutional right. Parades are  performed by party members members in every to town; wn; fireworks, usually using stones against the police, buses and bui buildings ldings are generally broadcasted live in television. People gather in their house,watch television,eat and sleep on harthal days. The festival concludes with a massive puking competition held at the "Thrissur round", apparently the largest round-about in the whole universe.... Keralites celebrate all important festivals by alchohol consumption or as they call it "vellam-adi"(water punch). It is ironical as the state itself is surrounded by liquid(water duh..) and the keralite is filled with 75% volatile liquids(preferably Brandy).

Economy Eat coconut. Sleep coconut. Live coconut. Drink only Coca-Cola (Boorshaws, you bloody people made kerala's underground water as black as a s your goddamn Cola..$#%^$%$%#@!#$@%$@$%#&^%*&^*%&^#$%@. Cola..$#%^$%$%#@!#$@%$@$%#&^%*&^*%&^#$%@...You ..You better close your factory...No, we won't...OK,lets ask the High-Court...High Court: Coca Cola did a good job by supplying Coca Cola through underground, though the underground Coca Cola tastes a little different. Now Keralites can drink, bath, brush and wash their butts using Coca Cola. So Coca Cola need not close. Not to mention Pepsi, which farmers are already using as pesticides....(no really,farmers really,farmers actually use it coz its cheaper and deadlier) Another important industry for Kerala is the tourism industry. Tourist from all parts of the world, especially Uganda come to see the devils pestering God's own country.They come with cartful of dollars and return with handful of coconuts. A nigerian prince has promised investment of 500 million galleons. The prosecutors replied by capturing, gheravoing and force-feeding Cola to the Minister of Magic. Anything comes up, the opposition has to oppose. Even if something comes through both left and right, the workers of both the left and right have to put up unions u nions so that they can get free food etc. for sitting in a coconut leaf shed all day. OK, it is almost impossible to have profitable industries. But the unions have found a way to compensate for that, by extracting  Nokku Kooli, a kind of huge tax that one has to pay to local uni unions ons for doing the work hi himself mself or getting iitt done by someone else who actually knows how to do it. Hospitals and psychologists routinely treat managers and potential managers for kheravo phobia. The politicians eventually had to mortgage the entire state to Asian Development Bank! Finally, one smart tea shop owner started selling Tourism. A minister passing in his population reducing machine (car) saw this. And presto!- A2Z tourism.... this has no unions as it involves dumb foreign nationals who pay Rs.500 to auto wallas for taking them 1 km (might be bcoz they r still glad to have their lives). Kalaripayattu,Kathakali,Ayurvedam,Lagoons,littlee bit of massaging too, everything is sold. Another main attraction for the Kalaripayattu,Kathakali,Ayurvedam,Lagoons,littl tourists are the adventurous, bumpy rides in highways, having no lane rules.

Arts The most famous artistic expressions of Malayalees are rape, harassment against women, revelry of quotation gangs, manipulations in the school festivals and so & so ..... Being martyred for politics and formation of monuments in the name of victims are also included in the arts of Malayalees, but the graph relating this tendency with time shows slight negative

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deviation in recent years. Although the national art has been Kathakali for a long time, it may be replaced with erotic torture in the near future.

Koralam This alternative name is result of a major literacy drive conducted during the 1980's. Neo-literates often wrote the name of their homeland as Koralam.

Notes Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wiki "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Kerala" a.com/wiki/Kerala" Categories: Geography of India | India This page was last modified on March 22, 2012, at 17:40. (Updated)Contact Contact WikiaAdvertise WikiaAdvertise Privacy (Updated)About (Updated) About WikiaTerms of use (Updated) Wikia® is a registered service mark of Wikia, Inc. All rights reserved.