My Favorite Jokes

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R.I.P. When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there. I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen. I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening. I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers oined in with, !"raise the #ord,! !Amen,! and !$lory%! I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from $enesis to The &evelation. When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, !I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years.! Amish Humor (ign behind an Amish carriage) !*nergy efficient vehicle. &uns on grass and oats. +A,TI-.) Avoid e/haust%! Bedside Manners (usie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. -ne day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. (he pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. !0ou know! he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, !you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. !And you know what1! !What, dear1! she asked gently, smiling to herself. !I think you're bad luck.! Doggone Brilliant Joke

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. 2e took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. -ne day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. (o, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, !-3, I'm in deep trouble now%! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. 4ust as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund e/claims loudly, !Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.! 2earing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid5stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. !Whew,! says the leopard. !That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.! 6eanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. (o, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, !2ere monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine.! .ow the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, !What am I going to do now1! But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, ust when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says.................. !Where's that darn monkey1 (ent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.! Marketing Speak Tipper $ore discovered that her husband's great great uncle, $unther $ore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 7889. The only e/isting photograph shows him standing on the gallows. -n the back of the picture is this inscription) !$unther $ore: horse thief. (ent to Tennessee "rison 788;, escaped 788<. &obbed the Tennessee =lyer si/ times. +aught by "inkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 7889.! After letting "resident +linton's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al's campaign to become our ne/t president. They decided to crop $unther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated "ress) !$unther $ore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. 2is business empire grew to include ac>uisition of valuable e>uestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 788;, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 788< he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned "inkerton ?etective Agency. In 7889 $unther

regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed.!

A Really Bad Day The following is seen in a =lorida newspaper) A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying ne/t to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside. (eeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. 2e became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud e/plosion and her husband screaming. (he ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. 2is trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. (he told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. 2e fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. This story redefines what it is to have a bad day. Implements of Math Destruction

At .ew 0ork's 3ennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a s>uare, a slide rule, and a calculator. The Attorney $eneral believes the man is a member of the notorious Al5gebra movement. 2e is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. !Al5gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed!, the Attorney $eneral said. !They desire average solutions by means and e/tremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of >uite shadowy figures, with names like !/! and !y!, and, although they are fre>uently referred to as !unknowns!, we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the a/is of medieval with coordinates in every country. !As the great $reek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle.! When asked to comment on the arrest, "resident Bush said, !If $od had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, 2e would have given us more fingers and toes.! Don t !alk A +owboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black 2ills. +owboy) @2ey, cool dog you got there. 6ind if I speak to him1A Indian) @?og donBt talk.A +owboy) @2ey dog, howBs it going1A ?og) @?oinB all right.A Indian) C#ook of shock%D +owboy) @Is this Indian your owner1A Cpointing at the IndianD ?og) @0ep.A +owboy) @2ow does he treat you1A ?og) @&eal good. 2e walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.A Indian) C#ook of total disbeliefD +owboy) @6ind if I talk to your horse1A Indian) @2orse no talk.A +owboy) @2ey horse, howBs it going1A

2orse) @+ool.A Indian) C*/treme look of shock%D +owboy) @Is this your owner1A Cpointing to the IndianD 2orse) @0ep.A +owboy) @2owBs he treat you1A 2orse) @"retty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean5to to protect me from the elements.A Indian) C#ook of total amazementD +owboy) @6ind if I talk to your sheep1A Indian) @(heep lie.A !he "peration #$%& A se'ually acti(e )oman tells her plastic surgeon that she )anted her (aginal lips reduced in si*e +ecause they )ere too loose and floppy. "ut of em+arrassment she insisted that the surgery +e kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. A)akening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed +eside her on the +ed. "utraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. -I thought I asked you not to tell anyone a+out my operation.!he surgeon told her he had carried out her )ish for confidentiality and that the first rose )as from him. -I felt sad +ecause you )ent through this all +y yourself.-!he second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathised +ecause she had had the same procedure done some time ago.-And )hat a+out the third rose/- she asked. -!hat0s from a man upstairs in the +urn unit. He )anted to thank you for his ne) ears.!he "strich #P1& A man )alks into a restaurant )ith a fully2gro)n ostrich +ehind him. !he )aitress asks them for their orders. !he man says, 0A ham+urger, fries and a coke,0 and turns to the ostrich, 03hat0s yours/0 0I0ll ha(e the same,0 says the ostrich.

A short time later the )aitress returns )ith the order 0!hat )ill +e 45.67, please,0 and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the e'act change for payment. !he ne't day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 0A ham+urger, fries and a coke.0 !he ostrich says, 0I0ll ha(e the same.0 Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays )ith e'act change. !his +ecomes routine until the t)o enter again. 0!he usual/0 asks the )aitress. 08o, this is 9riday night, so I )ill ha(e a steak, +aked potato and a salad,0 says the man. 0Same,0 says the ostrich. Shortly the )aitress +rings the order and says, 0!hat )ill +e 4:;.<;.0 "nce again the man pulls the e'act change out of his pocket and places it on the ta+le. !he )aitress cannot hold +ack her curiosity any longer. 0='cuse me, sir. Ho) do you manage to al)ays come up )ith the e'act change in your pocket e(ery time/0 03ell,0 says the man, 0se(eral years ago I )as cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. 3hen I ru++ed it, a 1enie appeared and offered me t)o )ishes. My first )ish )as that if I e(er had to pay for anything, I )ould >ust put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money )ould al)ays +e there.0 0!hat0s +rilliant.0 says the )aitress. 0Most people )ould ask for a million dollars or something, +ut you0ll al)ays +e as rich as you )ant for as long as you li(e.0 0!hat0 s right. 3hether it0s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the e'act money is al)ays there,0 says the man. !he )aitress asks, 03hat0s )ith the ostrich/0 !he man sighs, pauses and ans)ers, 0My second )ish )as for a tall chick )ith a +ig +utt and long legs )ho agrees )ith e(erything I say.0 !he Panda #P1& A panda )alks into a restaurant, sits do)n and orders a sand)ich. He eats the sand)ich, then pulls out a gun and shoots the )aiter dead. As the panda stands up to lea(e, the manager shouts? -Hey. 3here are you going/ @ou >ust shot my )aiter and you didn0t pay for your sand)ich.!he panda yells +ack at the manager? -Hey, I0m a PA8DA. Aook it up.So the manager opens his dictionary and looks up the )ord 0panda0. It reads -Panda? A tree

d)elling mammal of Asian origin, characterised +y distinct +lack and )hite colouring. =ats shoots and lea(es.!he Patient #$B& A male patient is lying in +ed in the hospital, )earing an o'ygen mask o(er his mouth and nose, still hea(ily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to gi(e him a partial sponge +ath... 08urse,0 he mum+les, from +ehind the mask -Are my testicles +lack/=m+arrassed, the young nurse replies 0I don0t kno), Sir. I0m only here to )ash your upper +ody and feet.0 He struggles to ask again, 08urse, are my testicles +lack/0 Concerned that he may ele(ate his (itals from )orry a+out his testicles, she o(ercomes her em+arrassment and sheepishly pulls +ack the co(ers. She raises his go)n, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and mo(ing them around. !hen, she takes a close look and says, 0!here0s nothing )rong )ith them, Sir ..0 !he man pulls off his o'ygen mask, smiles at her and says (ery slo)ly, 0!hank you (ery much. !hat )as )onderful, +ut listen (ery, (ery closely...... 0 A r e2m y2t e s t2r e s u l t s2+ a c k / 0 !he Poker PlayerD #$:& !)o couples )ere playing poker one e(ening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. 3hen he +ent do)n to pick them up, he noticed Bill0s )ife, Sue, )asn0t )earing any under)ear under her dress. Shocked +y this, John upon trying to sit +ack up again, hit his head on the ta+le and emerged red2faced. Aater, John )ent to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill0s )ife follo)ed and asked, -Did you see anything that you liked under there/Surprised +y her +oldness, John courageously admitted that, )ell indeed, he did. She said, -3ell, you can ha(e it +ut it )ill cost you 4B77.- After taking a minute or t)o to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirmed that he )as interested. She told him that since her hus+and, Bill, )orks 9riday afternoons and John doesn0t, John should +e at her house around ;pm 9riday. 3hen 9riday rolled around, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 4B77, they )ent to the +edroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John Euickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from )ork at <pm and upon entering the house, asked his )ife a+ruptly, -Did John come +y the house this afternoon/-

3ith a lump in her throat, Sue ans)ered, -3hy yes, he did stop +y for a fe) minutes this afternoon.Her heart nearly skipped a +eat )hen her hus+and curtly asked, -And did he gi(e you 4B77/In terror she assumed that someho) he had found out and after mustering her +est poker face, replied, -3ell, yes in fact he did gi(e me 4B77.Bill, )ith a satisfied look on his face, surprised his )ife +y saying, -1ood, I )as hoping he did. John came +y my office this morning and +orro)ed 4B77 from me. He promised me he0d stop +y our house this afternoon on his )ay home and pay me +ack.8o) !HA!, my friends, is a poker player. !he SignD #P1& A priest and a pastor from the local church are standing +y the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads? -!he =nd Is 8ear. !urn @ourself Around 8o) 22 Before It0s !oo Aate.As a car sped past them, the dri(er yelled, -Aea(e us alone, you religious nuts.9rom the cur(e, they heard screeching tires and a +ig splash. !he pastor turns to the priest and asks, -Do you think the sign should >ust say 0Bridge "ut0/A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their EFth anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening EF years ago, the wife asked the husband, !When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind1! The husband replied, !All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.! Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, !What are you thinking now1! 2e replied, !It looks as if I did a pretty good ob.! As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger umps up frantically and announces, !If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.! (he removes all her clothing and asks, !Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman1! A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, !2ere, iron this%!. -ne morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

!0ou're a goblin,! she says, !I caught you and you owe me three wishes%!. (o the goblin replies !-3, you caught me fair and s>uare, what's your first wish1!. The woman stops and thinks for a second, !I want a huge mansion to live in.!, goblins replies !-3, you've got it.!. Woman again thinks it over, !6y second wish is a 6ercedes.! !-3, you've got that too.! !6y last wish is a million dollars%!. The goblin then says !-3, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have se/ all night with me.! !-3 then, if that's what it takes...! .e/t morning the little man wakes the woman up. !Tell me,! says the man, !how old are you1! !I'm E<!, she replies !=uck me!, says the man, !E< and you still believe in goblins! The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. 2e proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. 2e says, !"ut those on.! The bride replies, !I can't wear your trousers.! 2e replies, !And don't forget that% I will always wear the pants in the family%! The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same re>uest, !Try those on%! 2e replies,!I can't get into your knickers%! !And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude.! 2ow are women and tornadoes alike1 They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. (o, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the ne/t day. The elderly man came back the ne/t day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. ?octor) What was the problem1 *lderly man) Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. (o, I tried with my left hand...nothing. 6y wife tried with her right hand...nothing. 2er left hand...nothing. 2er mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. &ight hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. ?octor) Wait a minute. 0ou mean your wife's friend too1% *lderly man) 0eah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup. A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. 2e goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. (he says !But sir, its ust a sperm bank%!, !I don't care, open it now%%%! he replies. (o she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the

sperm samples. The guy says !Take one of those sperm samples and drink it%!, she looks at him !B,T, they are sperm samples111! , !?- IT%!. (o the nurse sucks it back. !That one there, drink that one as well.!, so the nurse drinks that one as well. =inally after G samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, !(ee honey 5 its not that hard.! There are four kinds of se/ ) 2-,(* (*H 5 When you are newly married and have se/ all over the house in every room. B*?&--6 (*H 5 After you have been married for a while, you only have se/ in the bedroom. 2A## (*H 5 After you've been married for many, many years you ust pass each other in the hall and say !=,+3 0-,! +-,&T&--6 (*H 5 When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... 2e tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. !?o you know what I am doing1! asks the doctor1 !0es, checking for abnormalities.! she replies. 2e tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, !?o you know what I am doing now1!, she replies, !0es, checking for cancer.! =inally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having se/ with her. 2e says to her, !?o you know what I am doing now1! (he replies, !0es, getting herpies 5 thats why I am here%! This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. !"ut your finger in me...! she asks him. (o he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. !"ut two fingers in...!, she says. (o in goes another one. (he's really starting to get worked up when she says, !"ut your whole hand in%!. The guy's like, !-k%!. (o he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud !"ut both your hands inside of me%%%!. (o the guy puts both of his hands in% !.ow clap your hands...! commands the girl. !I can't!, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says !(ee, I told you I had a tight pussy%!. A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, !6y life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent%!. The cat says, !I don't think so, my master

makes me do my business in a bo/ of cat litter.! The penis outraged, says !At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up%! A man and a woman started to have se/ in the middle of a dark forest. After about 7F minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, !?amn, I wish I had a flashlight%!. The woman says, !6e too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes%! A couple ust got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, !"lease be gentile, I'm still a virgin.! The husband being shocked, replied, !2ow's this possible1 0ou've been married three times before.! The wife responds, !Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. 6y second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. =inally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him%! -n their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, !6y dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.! The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.!-h, oh, aaaahhh,! he e/claims, !6y $od you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. "uzzled she asks, !6y picture1! 2e answers, !0es my dear, so I can carry your beauty ne/t to my heart forever!. (he smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. 2e comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, !Why do you wear a robe1 We are married now.! At that the man opens his robe and she e/claims, !oh, -2, -2 60, let me get a picture!. 2e beams and asks why and she answers, !(o I can get it enlarged%! 4ohn ust graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly ;II people wanting to be in group therapy. 4ohn decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, 4ohn decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had se/. 2e first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had se/ almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. 2e then asks, how many had se/ once a week1 This time a larger number of hands were raised. 4ohn then asks how many had se/ once or twice a month1 Again a few hands were raised. After 4ohn polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. 4ohn noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had se/. The guy said, JKL-nce a year%JKL To 4ohn's dismay, he responds, JKLWhy are you so happy getting se/ only once a year1JKL The grinning guy responds, !TonightJKLs the night%! Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, !I had this wild, vivid dream of

getting a hand ob%! The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, !That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing%! -ne day 6r. (mith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice5president, ?ave, into his office and said, !We're making some cutbacks, so either 4ack or Barbara will have to be laid off.! ?ave looked at 6r. (mith and said, !Barbara is my best worker, but 4ack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire.! The ne/t morning ?ave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so ?ave said, !Barbara, I've got a problem. 0ou see, I've got to lay you or 4ack off and I don't know what to do1! Barbara replied, !0ou'd better ack off. I've got a headache.! A blind man interviews for a ob as a >uality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he e/pected to do this ob since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, !What is it without touching it1! The blind man replies, !ThatJKLs a good piece of fir.! !+orrect,JKL says the manager, JKLnow try this one.! !ThatJKLs a bad piece of willow,! says the blind man. !+orrect,! answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. 2e get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. !I'm confused,JKL says the blind man, JKL+an you turn it around1! The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, !-h, youJKLre trying to fool me% But I know e/actly what kind of wood that is. ItJKLs the shit house door off a tuna boat%! !he !alking Dog #P1& A man notices a sign in a pet shop )indo) -!alking Dog for Sale........Intrigued he enters and asks the shopkeeper if he can see the dog. -I +elie(e you can talk- says the man. -@ep- replies the dog. -So tell me a+out yourself- the man continues. -3ell,- says the dog, -I disco(ered I had this gift pretty young and approached the go(ernment. In no time at all I )as +eing flo)n from place to place to ea(esdrop on )orld leaders. Aater I +ecame tired of the tra(elling and took a >o+ as an underco(er security guard at an airport, )here I th)arted a hi>acking. I )as gi(en a huge re)ard and )as a+le to retire- Ama*ed +y )hat he0s heard the man asks the shopkeeper -Ho) much for the dog/-!en Euid- comes the reply. -But this dog is ama*ing- says the man -3hy so cheap/-He0s a liar- says the pet shop o)ner, -He hasn0t done any of those things.!he !ramp #P1&

A man )as accosted +y a particularly sha++y, smelly man )ho asked him for money for dinner. 3inkley took out his )allet, e'tracted a fi(er, and asked, -If I gi(e you this money, )ill you take it and +uy )hisky/-8o, I stopped drinking years ago,- the +eggar said. -3ill you use it to gam+le/- he asked. -I don0t gam+le,- said the man. -3ill you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course/- he asked. -Are you MAD/- said the +eggar, -I ha(en0t played golf in ;7 years.At )hich our (ie)er e'claimed, -9orget the money. I0m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked +y my )ife.!he +eggar )as astounded. -3on0t your )ife +e +othered/ I kno) I0m dirty and I pro+a+ly smell pretty +ad too.-!hat0s alright,- he replied, -I )ant her to see )hat a man looks like )hen he0s gi(en up drink, gam+ling, and golf.M. Why to lawyers wear neckties1 A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. !hree Priests #P1& !hree priests )ere in a railroad station on their )ay home to Pitts+urgh. Behind the ticket counter )as a (ery se'y, shapely, )ell endo)ed )oman )earing a (ery tight, skimpy s)eater. She made the three priests (ery ner(ous, so they dre) stra)s to determine )ho )ould get the tickets. !he first priest approached the )indo). -@oung lady, I )ould like three pickets to tits+urg.He completely lost his composure and fled. !he second priest goes to the )indo). -@oung lady, I )ould like three tickets to Pitts+urgh and I )ould like the change in nipples and dimes.Mortified, he too fled. -Morons....- the third priest mutters and mo(es to the )indo). -@oung lady, I )ould like three tickets to Pitts+urgh and I )ould like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, )hen you get to the pearly gates, St. 9inger0s going to shake his Peter at you.!hey took the +us. +onstruction worker on the Fth floor of a building needed a handsaw. (o he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. (o the worker on the Fth floor tries sign language.

2e pointed to his eye meaning !I!, pointed to his knee meaning !need!, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on Fth floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, !What the fuck is your problem%%% I said I needed a hand saw%!. The other guy says, !I knew that% I was ust trying to tell you 5 I'm coming%! -ne day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. (he opens it to a guy, !2i, is Tony home1! The wife replies, !.o, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.! (o they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says !0ou know (ara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck ust to see one.! (ara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell 5 a hundred bucks% (he opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. 2e promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says !That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 7II dollars if I could ust see the both of them together.! (ara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not1 (o she opens her robe and gives +hris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, !0ou know, your friend +hris came over.! Tony thinks about it for a second and says, !Well did he drop off the EII bucks he owes me1! A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to e/plain to her class the definition of the word !definitely! to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said !The sky is definitely blue!. The teacher said, !Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy!. Another student says, !$rass is definitely green.! The teacher again replies !If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either.! Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher !?o farts have lumps1! The teacher looked at him and said !.o...But that isn't really a >uestion you want to ask in class discussion.! (o the student replies, !Then I definitely shit my pants.! Wife ) !I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.!

2usband ) !2ow about the ones like mine1! Wife ) !Those they gave away.! 2usband ) !I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.! Wife ) !And how much for the ones like mine1! 2usband ) !That's where they held the auction.! The >ueen of *ngland was visiting one of +anada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. !-h my god%!, said the Mueen, !That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this111! The doctor leading the tour e/plains, !I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would e/plode and he would most likely die instantly.! !-h, I am sorry! said the Mueen. -n the ne/t floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow ob. !-h my $od!, said the Mueen, !What's happening in there1! The ?octor replied, !(ame problem, better health plan.! A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. 2e says, !$randpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.! The grandfather replies, !I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.! The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. 2e sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, !$randpa, you already gave me five dollars.! The grandfather replies, !I know. That's from your $randma.! ?irty #ittle 6att is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. !0eah teach1! he replies.

!If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left1! asks the teacher. 6att answers !Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off.! !.o, 6att, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking.! the teacher responds. !Well, teach, I've got a >uestion for you... There are ; women that come out of an ice5cream parlor, one is biting her ice5cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married1! The teacher, a little taken back by the >uestion answers, !Well, uh, gee 6att, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream.! 6att replies !.o teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking%! A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... '#ooking for man with these >ualifications: won't beat me up: or run away from me and is great in bed.' (he got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, !2i, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away.! (o the lady says, !What makes you think you are great in bed1! Bob replies, !I rang the door bell didn't I1! Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The ne/t morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, !Why were you screaming last night1! The daughter replied !6om you always told me if something hurt I should scream.! !That's true.! (he looked at her second daughter. !Why were you laughing so much last night1! The daughter replied !6om you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.!

!That's also true.! Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. !Why was it so >uiet in your room last night1! The youngest daughter replied !6om you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full.! A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, !#ook, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to *urope in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.! 6oving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, !I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.! The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose1 That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. =rom then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here1' the captain asked. (he got up off the ground and e/plained, !I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. 2e's taking me to *urope, and he's screwing me.! The captain looked at her, !2e sure is lady, this is the (taten Island =erry.' A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. !6om!, the boy asks, !What's a pussy1! The mother being startled by this thinks >uick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says !(on, that is a pussy.! the son then asks !What's a bitch1! The mother again thinking >uickly opens to a picture of a dog and says !(on, this is a bitch.! The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says !?ad, what's a pussy1! The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he >uickly whips out his "enthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says !(on, this is a pussy%! The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks !Then, what is a bitch1! The dad replies, !That's everything outside the circle%! -ne +hristmas *ve, (anta +laus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 79 year old blonde. (he said !(anta, will you stay with me1!, (anta replied, !2o 2o 2o gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys.!

(o she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked !(anta, now will you stay with me1! !2o 2o 2o gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys.! (he takes off everything and says !(anta, now will you stay with me1! (anta replies !$otta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way%! A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in .ew 0ork and they pass two s>uirrels having se/. The little boy asks his mom, !6ommy, mommy, what are they doing1! The lady responded, !They're making a sandwich.! Then they pass two dogs having se/ and the little boy again asks what they were doing. 2is mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said !6ommy, ?addy, you must be making a sandwich because, 6ommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth%%%! This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, !Why don't we get it on, eh1! (he replies, !I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before.! (o the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, !0ou don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you1! Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. -ne says, !0our thing doesn't have any skin on it%!. !I've been circumcised.!, the other replied. !What's that mean1! !It means they cut the skin off the end.! !2ow old were you when it was cut off1! !6y mom said I was two days old.! !?id it hurt1!, the kid asked in>uiringly. !0ou bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year%! A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final e/am. 2e said there would be no e/cuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an

immediate family member's death. -ne smart ass, male student said, !What about e/treme se/ual e/haustion1!, and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, !.ot an e/cuse, you can use your other hand to write.! A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. (he does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, !-h% 0our baby has slanted eyes.! To which she replies !0eah I heard them +hinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.JKL The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. !2oly (hit, your baby has a white body,! the doctor says. !0eah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,! she said. The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. (o she does and the legs come out. !2oly (hit% 0our baby has black legs,! the doctor said. !0eah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,! she said. (o the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, !2ow are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs1! The woman replies !I'm ust glad it didn't bark%! A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. (o the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. 2e has a few more beer and the ne/t thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having >uite a pleasurable time. The ne/t thing he know it was ;)II A6. !-h my, god, my wife is going to kill me%! he e/claimed. !Muick give me some talcum powder%! (he gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. !Where the hell have you been%! 2e says, !Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.! !#et me see your hands%! she demands. 2e shows his wife his powdery hands. !?amn liar, you were out bowling again%! A $uy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. 2er friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. 2e tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnJKLt because she didnJKLt have any clothes on. 2e replies, JKLTake my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help%JKL

(he takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. (he finds the clerk and says, !2elp, my boyfriend is stuck% +an you help us1! The clerk replies, !IJKLm sorry, I think he's too far in.! A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. !Where the hell do you think you're going1! he says. !I'm going to #as Negas. 0ou can earn OGII for a blow ob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.! The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. !Where do you think you going1! the wife asks. !I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on O8II a year%%%! +linton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the ?evil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the ?evil shows him .ewt $ingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says !-h no% ThatJKLs not how I want to spend all eternity.......! They go to the second door. The ?evil shows him &ush #imbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says !-h no% .ot for me%! They go to the third door. Behind it is 3en (tarr, chained to the wall with 6onica #ewinsky on her knees giving him a blow ob. Bill thinks and decides, !2mmm, looks okay to me. IJKLll take it.! The ?evil then says, !$ood. 2ey 6onica, youJKLve been replaced.! This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks !$ranny, can you show me a magic trick1! !.o dear, but I think your grand father knows one.! (o the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks !$randpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one1! The grand father looks at her, !(ure, ust hop on my lap%! (o the little girl umps on his lap. !.ow, can you feel a finger poking up your ass1! asks the grandpa, !0eah! replies the girl !Well look, no hands%! -ne day this girl goes to her father, !?ad, I really want to see that movie that ust came out, can I please go watch it.! The dad replies, !-nly if you suck my dick.! the girl refuses but says, !please dad, I really really really want to go to the movies.! The dad says again, !-nly if you suck my dick, then Ill take you.! *ventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes !*ewwww, it tastes like shit%!, so the dad says, !0eah, your brother wanted to go to the movies too.! A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, !What are these things daddy1! 2is dad said, !+ondoms son.! The boy asked, !Why do they come in packs of 7,;, and 7E1! The dad replied, !The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for (aturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for =riday, (aturday and (unday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for 4anuary, one for =ebruary, one for 6arch....!

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, ust before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says !0ouJKLre the biggest man I have ever seen!. The man nods his head, and replies ! IJKLm P59, weigh EF9 lbs., and I have 7P inches, I'm Turner Brown.JKL The dwarf faints% After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. (o he does, !I said IJKLm P 5 9, EF9 lbs., with 7P inches, my name is Turner Brown.JKL The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. JKL=or a minute there, I thought you said JKLTurn AroundJKL.JKL The (even 6ost Important 6en in a Woman's #ife 7. The ?octor 5 who tells her to !take off all her clothes.! E. The ?entist 5 who tells her to !open wide.! ;. The 6ilkman 5 who asks her !do you want it in the front or the back1! G. The 2airdresser 5 who asks her !do you want it teased or blown1! F. The Interior ?esigner 5 who assures her !once it's inside, you'll #-N* it%! P. The Banker 5 who insists to her !if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest%! <. The "rimal 2unter 5 who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her !3eep >uiet and lie still%! A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. =inally he spots E houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. 2e sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man erking off. 2e is so freaked out that he goes to the ne/t house and says !What's up with your neighbors1! and the owner of the house says !-h thatJKLs the &obinsonJKLs, they're both deaf. (he's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself%! -ne day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. (he went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. !+ome over here baby.! she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, !If your pussy can do that to your panties 5 I ain't going any where near it%! -ne day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, !6y boyfriend bought me flowers for Nalentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.!, and her friend replied, !Why1 ?on't you have a vase1! ?o you know what &odeo (e/ is1

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear !0our sister was better than you...!, and try to hold on for 8 seconds% As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have se/ the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. -ne night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. 2e asks his wife !What's up with all the notes1!, to his wife which replies, !Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.! A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After e/amining her, the doctor e/plained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. 2e suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. !if neither of you ob ects,! the medic said, !I could give it a try.! ,nder the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor >uickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. !2ey, What the hell is happening1! !+hange of plans,! The physician panted. ! I'm going to drown the little bastard%.! A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. 2e says, !What the hell are you two doing1! 2is wife turns to the stranger and says, !I told you he was stupid.! $ary and 6ary go on their honeymoon, and $ary spends si/ hours of the honeymoon night eating 6ary's pussy. The ne/t afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. (uddenly, $ary starts to freak out. 2e screams, !Waiter% Waiter% +ome over here%! The waiter says, !+an I help you, sir1! $ary yells, !There's a hair in my spaghetti% $et it the fuck out of here%! The waiter apologizes up and down as he >uickly takes the spaghetti away. 6ary looks over at $ary, and shaking her head, she whispers, !What a hypocrite you are. 0ou spent most of last night with your face full of hair.! $ary says, !0eah1 Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there1! !he !e'as Salesman #F&

A keen !e'as lad applied for a salesman0s >o+ at a city department store. !he store )as the +iggest in the )orld and sold e(erything under the sun. At the inter(ie), the +oss took an immediate liking to the lad and told him he could start the ne't day. -I0ll come and see ho) you made out after )e close up,- the +oss said. !he day )as long and hard for the young man, +ut finally it )as B o0clock. !he +oss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and e'hausted, in a chair. -Ho) many sales did you make today/- the +oss asked. -"ne,- said the lad. -"ne/- said the +oss, o+(iously displeased. -Most of the sales people on my staff make ;7 or :7 sales a day. Ho) much )as the sale )orth/-='actly 4$7$,::6.B:,- said the young man. -Ho) did you manage that/- asked the +oss, fla++ergasted. -3ell,- said the lad, -this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. !hen I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him )here he )as going fishing, and he said he )as going do)n the coast. I said he0d pro+a+ly need a +oat, so I took him do)n to the +oat department and sold him that fancy ;;2foot Chris Craft )ith t)in engines. !hen he said his Honda Ci(ic pro+a+ly )ouldn0t +e a+le to handle the load, so I took him to the (ehicle department and sold him a ne) 1MC $2ton pickup truck.-@ou sold all that to guy )ho came in for a fish hook/- the +oss asked in astonishment. -He didn0t come in to +uy a fish hook,- the !e'as +oy e'plained. -He came in to +uy a +o' of tampons for his )ife, and I said to him, 0@our )eekend0s shot. @ou might as )ell go fishing.0 -ne day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. "uzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. (he tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. 2e accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter. Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. (he again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. (o she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals < days a week, and that she gives him all the se/ he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the

trunk because she will not talk about it. !=air enough,! says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic. -n their EFth wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. !2oney,! he says, !we've been married for EF years and I think it's time we had a heart5to5heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk1! The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great se/. !I don't care,! he tells her. !After EF years we ought to be able to talk about anything. .ow open this goddamn trunk%! (o, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and EF thousand dollars in cash. !4esus +hrist%! shouts the surprised husband. !What's going on here1 Where did all of this come from1! !Well, sweetie,! replies the wife, !you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. -ver the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. *very time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk.! The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has ust heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, !All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three incidents of infidelity in EF years. But where did all the money come from1! !Well,! she replies, !whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn. #ittle &ed &iding 2ood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. 2er mother warned her !?on't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry%! #ittle &ed started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped #ittle &ed and warned her !Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry%! #ittle &ed was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. (ure enough, the Big Bad Wolf umps out of nowhere and tells her !Take off your shirt #ittle &ed &iding 2ood 5 I'm gonna suck your tits dry%%!. !-h no you don't!, yells #ittle &ed, as she pulls up her skirt, !0ou're gonna eat me ust like the story says%! Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says !?o you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean1! The (econd guy says !0eah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to "ittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The =irst guy says, !0eah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying '2oney can you please pass me the sugar1', I said '0ou've ruined my life you =,+3I.$ BIT+2'

A guy is horny a hell 5 but broke. 2e goes to a whorehouse with OF.II, and begs the 6adame to give him whatever she can for it. (he says !I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free%! The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. 2e looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Muietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and ust fucks the living shit out of it. (atisfied, he goes home. .e/t week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay che>ue. 2e says to the 6adame, !I got lots of money now...give me a hooker%!. The 6adame replies !All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood1!. The guy does, and is en oying the show, when he turns to the guy ne/t to him and says, !2ey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh1!, The guy responds, !0eah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon%! A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. !What's going on here1!, he asks. The guy sobs, !I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. 2e pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up.! The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. !I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal%! A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. 2e decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. 2e knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is 5 so he does not tell them. 2is little boy keeps asking him, !What's for supper1! !0ou'll see!, says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. !-k,! says her dad, !here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me.! !We're eating asshole%%!, she screams. A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, !0ou want to play '6agic'1! (he says, !What's that1! 2e says, !We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear.! A deep5sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. 2e goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no e>uipment stays with him. 2e takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, !2ow the hell can you stay down this deep without e>uipment1! The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, !0ou asshole, I'm drowning.! !I've got some good news and some bad news! the doctor says. !What's the bad news1! asks the patient. !The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got ; months to live!. The patient is taken back, !What's the good news then ?octor1!. The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, !0ou see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven1!, the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, !I'm fucking her.! A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the e/am, she shyly said, !6y husband wants me to ask you...!, to which the doctor replies !I know...I know...!

placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. !I get asked that all the time. (e/ is fine until late in the pregnancy.! !.o, that's not it,! the woman confessed. !2e wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.! 0our girlfriend is ugly when... C7D (he looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent e/posure. CED As a baby, she had to be breast5fed by the family dog. C;D *ven mos>uitoes stay away from her. CGD (he startles the animals at the zoo. CFD -n 2alloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone. CPD (he makes onions cry. C<D 2er ass looks like two pigs fighting over a bo/ of milk duds. C8D 2er armpits look like she has ?on 3ing in a headlock. C9D The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail. C7ID When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother. The =BI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him !?o you love your wife1! so he replies !0es I do, sir.! !?o you love your country1! asks the interviewer. !0es I do, sir.!, interviewer continues, !What do you love more, your wife or your country1! he replies !6y country, sir.! The interviewer looks at the man, !-kay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the ne/t room and kill her.! The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about F minutes. 2e comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. 2e puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same >uestions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says !I can't do it...! The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and B#A6% B#A6% B#A6% B#A6% B#A6% B#A6% This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says !What happened1%1%!, to which the guy replies, !The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her%!

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells !(uper "ussy%! The old man says !I'll have the soup.! Three people, E men and 7 woman, and their dogs are in the Nets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. -h no, says the first dog, why1 The second dog says, !Well, you see... I've been chasing the "ostman for years. 0esterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. (o, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, !Well, my master ust completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. (o, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also. The third dog said, !This is my masters new girlfriend. (he runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. (o, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I umped on her a gave it to her good%! The other dogs say, ! so' that's why they are putting you to sleep1! .o says the dog, !(he is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped%! A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. !0ou aren't so good in bed either%!, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. !What took you so long to answer1! !I was in bed.! !What were you doing in bed this late1! !$etting a second opinion.! Two deaf people get married. ?uring the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. !2oney,! she signs, !Why don't we agree on some simple signals1 =or instance, at night, if you want to have se/ with me, reach over and s>ueeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have se/, reach over and s>ueeze my right breast one time. !The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, !$reat idea, .ow if you want to have se/ with 6*, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have se/, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times! An American businessman was in 4apan. 2e hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. (he kept screaming !=u ifoo, =ugifoo%%%!, which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The ne/t day, he was golfing with his 4apanese counterparts and he got a hole5in5one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said !=u ifoo!. The 4apanese clients looked confused and said !.o, you got the right hole.!

-ne day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word '"*.I(' Cin tiny lettersD on the blackboard. (he scanned the class looking for a guilty face. =inding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The ne/t day, the word '"*.I(' was written on the board again: this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. *very morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in e/pecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words) !The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.! A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. 6an) !What are you doing here today1! Woman) !-h, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me OF for it.! 6an) !2mm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me OEF.! The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. 6an) !-h, hi there% 2ere to donate blood again1! Woman) Qshaking her head with mouth closedR !,nh unh.! #ate at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. (i/ pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. !Thanks,! he croaks. !That's one hell of a thirst you've got,! says the landlord. The guy says) !Any man would be as bad if they'd ust had se/ with the woman in my car. (he's insatiable. (he wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't.! !Where's your car1! the landlord asks. !At the roadside,! the guy gasps. !Tell you what,! says the landlord, !you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place.! !Be my guest,! the guy says. (o the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away. =ive minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. !What's going on here1! he asks. !It's all right, officer,! e/plains the landlord, !(he's my wife.! The officer replies apologetically, !-h, sorry sir, I didn't realize.! #ook at the woman the landlord says, !.either did I till you switched on that damned light.!

A man from the Internal &evenue (ervice knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy. The man asks the boy, !Where is your mother1! The boy states, !(he's in the backyard, screwing the goat.! The man e/claims, !(on, it's not nice to make up stories like that%! The boy says, !+ome on in and I'll show you.! (o the ta/man follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman screwing a goat. ?isgusted, he turns to the boy and says, !That is gross% ?oesn't that bother you1! The little boy answers, !.aaaaaaaaah%! A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. 2e walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. !What are you doing, (ir1!, she asks. !This is a clock shop%%! 2e replied, !I know it is and I would like E hands and a face put on this%! -ne time there was an army camp in India that ust received a new commander. ?uring the new commanders first inspection everything checked out e/cept one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while e/plained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander ust let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, !(o is that how the other men do it1! -ne of the men responded, !.o we usually ust use the camel to ride into town.! -ne day the sheriff sees Billy5Bob walking around town with nothing on e/cept his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says !Billy5Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that1! Billy5Bob replies !Well sheriff, it's a long story%! (heriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy5Bob should tell the story. Billy5Bob continues !Well sheriff, me and 6ary5#ou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. 6ary5#ou said we should go in the barn and we did.! !Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well 6ary5#ou said that we should go up on the hill so we did.! !,p on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the 6ary5#ou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes e/cept my gun belt and my boots. Then 6ary5#ou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said !-kay Billy5Bob, go to town...! -ne =all day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. =ollowing the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about EII men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. !6y wife,! the man replied. !I'm sorry,! said Bill. !What happened to her1! !6y dog bit her and she died.! Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, !6y mother5in5law. 6y dog bit her and she died as well.! Bill thought about this for a while. 2e finally asked the man, !+an I borrow your dog1! To which the man replied, !$et in line.!

A blonde walked in on her husband having an affair. (he was so angry she pulled out a gun and pointed to the woman's head. (he was about to pull the trigger, when her husband said, !.o, don't%! and she replied, !(hut up, you're ne/t%! A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an e/perimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having se/ again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about P weeks later gives him the go ahead to !try out his new e>uipment!. The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. .o sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. 2is girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. (he says !That was pretty cool% +an you do that again1! With his eyes watering and a painful e/pression on his face, he says !"robably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass%!. A man and a woman were celebrating their FIth anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. #ater that night at the table, the woman says, !2oney, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.! The man replies, !That's because they are sitting in your soup.! In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. (he was very proud of it. (he knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone) !Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.! .ot long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no5goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote) !&eturned unopened.! A FG year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one =riday evening that reads... ?ear Wife, I am FG and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the $rand 2otel with my beautiful and se/y 78 year old secretary.! When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...

?ear 2usband, I too am FG and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater 2otel with my handsome and virile 78 year old boy toy. A.?, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 78 goes into FG many more times than FG goes into 78.! Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive5way to let her out she tells him to come over the ne/t night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,!This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms!. Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says ! I didn't know you were such a religious person! and the boy says back ! I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist!. 2-W T- I6"&*(( A W-6A.) +ompliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine S dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... 2-W T- I6"&*(( A 6A.) (how up naked, Bring beer....

!ruths A+out Age... #P1& 1R=A! !RF!HS AB"F! AI9=, !HA! AI!!A= CHIADR=8 HAG= A=AR8=D? $& 8o matter ho) hard you try, you can0t +aptise cats. ;& 3hen your Mom is mad at your Dad, don0t let her +rush your hair. :& If your sister hits you, don0t hit her +ack. !hey al)ays catch the second person. 6& 8e(er ask your :2year old +rother to hold a tomato. B& @ou can0t trust dogs to )atch your food. <& Don0t snee*e )hen someone is cutting your hair. H& 8e(er hold a Dust2Buster and a cat at the same time. %& @ou can0t hide a piece of +roccoli in a glass of milk. 5& Don0t )ear polka2dot under)ear under )hite shorts. $7& !he +est place to +e )hen you0re sad is 1randpa0s lap. 1R=A! !RF!HS AB"F! AI9=, !HA! ADFA!S HAG= A=AR8=D? $& Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell2" to a tree. ;& 3rinkles don0t hurt. :& 9amilies are like fudgeD mostly s)eet, )ith a fe) nuts. 6& !oday0s mighty oak is >ust yesterday0s nut that held its ground. B& Aaughing is good e'ercise. It0s like >ogging on the inside. <& Middle age is )hen you choose your cereal for the fi+re, not the >oy. 1R=A! !RF!HS AB"F! 1R"3I81 "AD? $& 1ro)ing old is mandatoryI gro)ing up is optional. ;& 9orget the health food. I need all the preser(ati(es I can get. :& 3hen you fall do)n, you )onder )hat else you can do )hile you0re do)n there. 6& @ou0re getting old )hen you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. B& It0s frustrating )hen you kno) all the ans)ers, +ut no+ody +others to ask you the Euestions. <& !ime may +e a great healer, +ut it0s a lousy +eautician. H& 3isdom comes )ith age, +ut sometimes age comes alone. !H= 9"FR S!A1=S "9 AI9=? $& @ou +elie(e in Santa Claus. ;& @ou don0t +elie(e in Santa Claus. :& @ou are Santa Claus. 6& @ou look like Santa Claus. SFCC=SS? At age 6 success isD not peeing in your pants. At age $; success isD ha(ing friends. At age $< success isD ha(ing a dri(ers license. At age ;7 success isD ha(ing se'. At age :B success isD ha(ing money At age B7 success isD ha(ing money. At age <7 success isD ha(ing se'. At age H7 success isD ha(ing a dri(ers license. At age HB success isD ha(ing friends. At age %7 success isD not peeing in your pants

A man came home from work one day and his wife asked him to fi/ the toilet. The man says !who do i look like the plumber1! and never fi/ed it.... The man comes home the ne/t day and his wife asks him to fi/ the garbage disposal. The man says !who do i look like a blad specialist1! and never fi/ed it.... The man comes home the ne/t day and his wife asks him to fi/ the refrigerator. The man says !who do i look like the maytag repair man1! and never fi/ed it.... man comes home the ne/t day and his wife told him she hired someone to fi/ the fridge, someone to fi/ the garbage disposal, and someone to fi/ the toilet. The man asks his wife !how much did it cost1! 2is wife says !i had to either bake them a cake or have se/ with them.! The man asks his wife !what kinda cake did you bake them1! the wife says !who do i look like Betty +rocker1!

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, !Blow ob, five dollars!. 2e gives her a strange look and keeps walking. (oon another girl does the same thing. +onfused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was !6om, what's a blow ob1!. 2is mom replies !=ive dollars, ust like downtown%!. A woman walks into the store and purchases the following) 7 small bo/ of detergent 7 Bar of soap ; individual servings of yogurt E oranges 7 stick of womenJKLs deodorant. (he then goes to the check out line. +ashier) -h, you must be single Woman) 0ou can tell that by what I bought1 +ashier) .o, you're fucking ugly% A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. 2e approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied !-h I'm not rewarding him, I'm ust trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass.! Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. !2ow'd you die1! the first man asks the second. !I froze to death,! says the second. !That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death1! says the first. !It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. 0ou get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. 2ow did you die1! says the second. !I had a heart attack!, says the first guy.

!0ou see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home une/pectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and ust as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.! The second man shakes his head. !that's so ironic! he says. !What do you mean1! asks the first man !If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.! A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind e/cept (chlitz. The bartender says, !What's wrong with (chlitz, don't you like it1 The man says, !I hate that shit!. #ast night I drank a whole case of (chlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, !0ou drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks!. 0ou don't understand said the man, +hunks is my dog. &oger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. -ne weekend, his wife decides that he needs to rela/ a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says !2ey &oger% 2ow are you tonight1! 2is wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. !.o, no. 2e's ust one of the guys I bowl with.! They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees &oger and says !.ice to see you, &oger. A gin and tonic as usual1! 2is wife's eyes widen. !0ou must come here a lot%! !.o, no! says &oger !I ust know her from volleyball.! Then a stripper walks up to the table. (he throws her arms around &oger and says !&oger% A table dance as usual1! 2is wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. &oger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he umps into the passenger seat. 2is wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets &oger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says !(ure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, &oger%! Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, !I was cleaning in =ather's room the other day and do you know what I found1 A bunch of pornographic magazines.! !What did you do1! the other nuns asked. !Well, of course I threw them in the trash.! The second nun said, !Well, I can top that. I was in =ather's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms%! !-h my%! gasped the other nuns. !What did you do1! they asked. !I poked holes in all of them%! she replied. The third nun fainted. As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up se/ for #ent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the ne/t couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were e/tremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

*aster morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. !3.-+3%%% 3.-+3%%% 3.-+3%%%! 2usband) !$uess whom1! Wife) !I know who it is%! 2usband) !$uess what I want1! Wife) !I know what you want%! 2usband) !$uess what I'm knockin' with1! A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. 2e takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with e/pensive wine. -n the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty e/cited. 2e starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. !Well, okay,! he says, !how about a blow ob1! !0uck%! she screams. !I'm not putting that thing in my mouth%! 2e says, !Well, then, how about a hand ob1! !I've never done that,! she says. !What do I have to do1! !Well,! he answers, !remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a +oke bottle and spray your brother with it1! (he nods. !Well, it's ust like that.! (o, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wa/ blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. !What's wrong1%! she cries out. !Take your thumb off the end%%! A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who en oyed se/ more. The man said, !6en obviously en oy se/ more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid1! !That doesn't prove anything,! the woman countered. !Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better5your ear or your finger1! The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. !I assume,! she snarled, !that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at si/ o'clock in the morning1! !There is,! he replied. !Breakfast.!

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. 2e swings and hits the ball 7II yards. The golf pro says not bad. $olfpro) !.ow hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts!. The man follows instructions and hits the ball ;II yards. The golf pro says !*/cellent%! .ow the woman takes her turn. 2er ball goes ;I yards. $olfpro) !.ot bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick.! (he swings and the ball goes 7I yards. $olfpro) !.ot bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball.! A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. 2e decides to approach her anyway. !(ister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have se/ with you.! he says. !I'm sorry but I've given my body to $od! she replies and then leaves. (uddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says !I know a way you can get her in the sack.! The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at ; in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The ne/t day at ; the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says !(ister, $od has told me I must have se/ with you.! (he replies !Well if $od has said it, we must do it. 2owever because of my strong commitment to $od I will only take it up the ass.! The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best se/ ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says !(urprise I'm the guy on the bus! With that the nun turns around and says !(urprise I'm the bus driver.! It's this man's ;;rd birthday. 2e gets a package at the "ost -ffice and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, !It's my birthday today.! !-h, happy birthday, how old are you1,! asks the "ost -ffice worker. !;;,! says the man. !Well, have a good day,! says the worker. !Thank you,! replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, !It's my birthday today.! !-h, happy birthday,! says the old lady. !I'm...! !.o don't tell me,! inter ects the old lady, !I know a uni>ue way of telling how old somebody is.! !-h yeah1 What's that then,! asks the man. !If I can feel your balls for about F minutes, I can tell e/actly how many years old you are,! says the old lady. !I don't believe it.! !Well let me prove it%! !I'm not going to let you feel my balls%,! says the man. !-h well, I guess you'll never know then,! replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, !-h, okay then, you can do it.! After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. !0ou are ;; years old e/actly,! she e/claims% !2ow the fuck did you know that1%,! e/claims the man, impressed. !I was behind you in the line at the "ost -ffice,! said the lady. After the annual office +hristmas party blow5out, 4ohn woke up with a pounding headache, cotton5mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. !#ouise,! he moaned, !tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think1! !*ven worse,! she assured him in her most scornful one. !0ou made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.!

!2e's an arrogant, self5important prick, piss on him%! !0ou did. All over his suit, ! #ouise informed him. !And he fired you.! !Well, fuck him,! said 4ohn. !I did. 0ou're back at work on 6onday.! Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in #as Negas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to oin with his date. 2is depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the ne/t room, he hears cries of -.*, TW-, T2&**...2,2% all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 2ow did it go1 The first whispers back) It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. 0ou think that's embarrassing1 I couldn't even get on the bed% A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. (he told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to 4amaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. 2e said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to 4amaica man have a nice day%%% A husband and his wife who have been married EI years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBM grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. (o the man says to his wife !0our rear end is almost as wide as this grill! (he ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, !$eez, it really I( as wide as the grill%! (he ignores this remark as well. #ater that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, !If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.! A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. 2e came in after F minutes and

told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. (o he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. 2e came in after another F minutes and said ! honey my hands are cold again!. (o she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. (o he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. F minutes has passed and he went in again and said, !honey my hands are cold again!. (he then said, ! ?amn don't your ears ever get cold1! A guy walks into a bar and orders 7E te>uilas. The bartender asked, !what's wrong,! and the guy says that he ust found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, !he's sorry about it.! After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 7F te>uilas. The bartender asked, !What's wrong now,! to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered EI te>uilas. The bartender burst out, !Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy1%! The guy gets really pissed and says, !0eah, my wife%%%%%! Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, !(am, pack up your stuff. I ust won the lottery%! !(hall I pack for warm weather or cold1! !Whatever. 4ust so you're out of the house by noon%! A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. #ooking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. 4ust as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, !6adam, could 5you5 pass such a test1! It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says !2ow the heck do I know 5 what am I, the weather man1! and promptly slams the phone down. 2is wife rolls over and asks, !Who was that1! The husband replies, !I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear.! Three people walked by a strip bar they walked in, the first guy licks a 7II dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt. The ne/t guy also, licks a 7II dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the EII dollars. A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, !This ob re>uires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me1! And the guy says, !Well shit% 0ou got no ears man%! (o the boss yells !$et the fuck out%!. (o the ne/t guy comes in and the boss says to him, !This ob re>uires you noticing a lot of details.

What is something you notice about me1! And the guy says, !That's easy. 0ou got no ears%! (o the boss says, to him, !$et the fuck out%! As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, !The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it.! (o the guy goes in and the boss says, !This ob re>uires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me1! (o the guy says, !0our wearing contacts%! And the boss says, !0eah, how did you know1! (o the guy replies, !Well shit, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears.! A woman is picked up by ?ennis &odman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. 2e removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, !&eebok!. (he thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. ?ennis says, !When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and &eebok pays me for advertisement.! A bit later, his pants are off and she sees !"uma! tattooed on his leg. 2e gives the same e/planation for the unusual tattoo. =inally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word !AI?(! tattooed on his penis. (he umps back with shock. !I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AI?(%! 2e says, !It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say !A?I?A(!. There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. -ne day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. (o he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants% The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, !What are you doing1!, to which the Indian replies, !6e tell time% "enis acts as sundial.! The cowboy in disbelief says, !-k, what time is it1! The Indian looks down at his !;);F...! !That's amazing, your right%! the cowboy says in amazement. (o he hops onto his horse and keeps going. &iding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his !one eyed bandit! and says !G)GI!. The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again% (haking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again. After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his !bald headed champ! e/cept he was erking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, !And what are you doing1! to which the Indian replies, !6e winding clock.! A man was walking along a +alifornia beach and stumbled across an old lamp. 2e picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie% The genie said, !-3. 0ou released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. (o you can forget about getting three wishes. 0ou only get one wish. The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, !I've always wanted to go to 2awaii: but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. +ould you build me a bridge to 2awaii so that I can drive over there to visit1!

The genie laughed and said, !That's impossible% Think of the logistics of that% 2ow would the supports ever reach the bottom of the "acific1 Think of how much concrete... how much steel...% .o. Think of another wish.! The man tried to think of another wish. =inally, he said, !I've been married and divorced several times. 6y wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. (o I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, '.othing'...know how to make them truly happy....! The genie said, !0ou want that bridge two lanes or four1! Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband 4ake at her side. 2e held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. 2er pale lips moved. !4ake,! she said. !2ush,! he >uickly interrupted, !don't talk.! But she insisted. !4ake,! she said in her tired voice. !I have to talk. I must confess.! !There is nothing to confess,! said the weeping 4ake. !It's all right. *verything's all right.! !.o, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, 4ake, that I have been unfaithful to you.! 4ake stroked her hand. !.ow, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it!, he sobbed. !Why else would I poison you1! Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, !6y husband is like a &olls5&oyce: smooth and sophisticated.! The second said, !6ine is like a porsche: fast and powerful.! The third said, !6ine is like an old +hevy. It needs a hand start and I have to ump on while it's still going.! A guy goes to a doctor and says, !?oc, you've got to help me. 6y penis is orange.! ?octor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. ?amned if the guy's penis isn't orange. ?oc tells the guy, !This is very strange. (ometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life.! "robing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, !2ow are things going at work1! The guy responds that he was fired about si/ weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. $uy responds, !.o. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work EI5;I hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new ob a couple

of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old ob and the boss is a really great guy.! (o the doc figures this isn't the reason. 2e asks the guy, !2ow's your home life1! The guy says, !Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.! The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. $uy says, !.o. =or years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. $od, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.! (o the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. 2e in>uires, !?o you have any hobbies or a social life1! The guy replies, !.o, not really. 6ost nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on +heetos.! It was the mailman's last day on the ob after ;F years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a bo/ of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. (he took him by the hand, gently led him through the door Cwhich she closed behind himD, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever e/perienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fi/ed him a giant breakfast) eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh5s>ueezed orange uice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. !All this was ust too wonderful for words,! he said, !but what's the dollar for1! !Well,! she said, !last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.! 2e said, !=uck him, give him a dollar.! The lady then said, !The breakfast was my idea.! A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for EI minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, !2ey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore.! !"lease!, says the woman. !I won't have that kind of language in this bank.! !Well e/cuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language.! !(ir, I don't have to take this abuse! she says. !Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay1 I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you1! The manager is summoned, and says !What seems to be the problem1! The woman says, !This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it.! The man says !2ey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for +hrist's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 7F million dollars.! The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says !And this fuckin' bitch won't help you1! There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. 2e had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have se/. -bviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

2e tried to position himself to have se/ with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. (oon he was feeling the urge to have se/ again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. (o he caught up to it again and go on it again. =inally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. 2e went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,!If you fi/ our car we will do anything you want.! The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fi/ed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,!2ow could we ever repay you 6r.! After thinking for a short while he replied,!+ould you hold my camel1! Three e/plorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon ungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. 2e calls the first e/plorer to the front of the tribe and asks, !?eath or Booka1%!. Well the e/plorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming B--3A% and dancing around. the cheif then rips the e/plorers pants off and fucks him in the ass. The cheif calls the second e/plorer to the front and asks, !?eath or Booka1%!. Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming B--3A% and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass. The chief calls the third e/plorer to the front and asks, !?eath or Booka1%!. Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams !?*AT2 B0 B--3A%! A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says !2oney if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow!. Then he grabs her pussy and says !2oney if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens!. (he turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says !2oney if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother! This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. 2e stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. 2e asks !What's the problem1! she says !Well I've never been hugged before.! Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. 2alf an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. 2e asks !.ow what's wrong1! she says !I've been thinking and..I've never been kissed before!. Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better1 2e hops the fence and gives her a kiss. At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. !.ow what's wrong! he asked (he responds !I've never been fucked before! The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says !.ow you're fucked real good.! This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, ust that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. -k my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks. Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. (o I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my

vagina but now I can't get it out. The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time. 2e asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says) I only have one >uestion. What am I looking for1 Bills or loose change1 A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. !I bet you OFII that I can piss in this cup from across the room.! The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, !-oook buddy. 0ou got a deal.! (o the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and ust lets it fly. "iss goes everywhere: on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup. The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, !2a ha ha. Well pay up.! (o the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, !0ou ust lost OFII, why are you laughing1! The man turns around and says to the bartender, !Well you see that man over there.! The bartender says, !0eah.! 2e replies, !Well, I bet him O7I,III that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it%! A man walks into a bar and immediately realizes its a gay bar. 2e thinks to himself I'm not gay but I really want to to drink so he walks up to the bar. The bartender asks !What is the name of your penis1! The man says !6an get outta my face I'm not like that, ust gimme a beer.! The bartender replies,!I'm sorry sir but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.! The man says, !-kay then what's the name of your penis1! The bartender replies !6ine is named .ike, 0ou know 4ust ?o it. The man thought for a moment then replied !6ine is named (ecret.! The bartender replied !(ecret11! The man e/plained you know, (trong enough for a man, made for a woman.! A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, !(on, since you have done such a fine ob here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you.! The college guy says, !&ight on, thanks a lot man.! (o the farmer says, !Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on.! +ollege guy !2ey, I can drink ust as much as anyone else so I should do ust fine.! =armer !There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready.! +ollege guy !I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape.! =armer says, !Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa se/1! +ollege guy !$ood. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party1! =armer says, !I don't care it's ust going to be me and you.! -ne day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out !-uch you fucking wanker%! later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said !=ather, my boys ust won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do.! the priest says !Well, have you tried smacking them1! she said !.o, doesn't the church look down on that1! the priest says !Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an e/ception.! The ne/t day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says !Well, gimme some fucking waffles.! The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very >uiet. his mother asks him

what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was !Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles%! Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said !6y wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity%! The second hillbilly said !6y wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water%! The third hillbilly said !6y wife is even stupider% 0esterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. *verything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick%! There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. !What the hell are you supposed to be1! asked the host. !A premature e aculation,! said the man. !I ust came in my pants%! This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. (o the guy sits down ne/t to her and pulls a small bo/ from his pocket. 2e opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, !2e's cute, but does he do tricks1! The guy says, !0ea, he licks pussy.! (o after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it ust sits there not moving at all. the blond says, !Well1 what's up1! The frog still does not move. (o the guy leans over to the frog and says, !All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time%! This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. (he figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. 2e tells her that she needs to >uit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. 2e replies, !I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.! A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says !?o you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur!1 The bunny says !.o!. (o the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

This nun was going to +hicago. (he went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. (o she thought to herself I'll give it a try ust to see what it tells me. (o she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, 0our a nun you weigh 7E8lbs and your going to +hicago Illinois. (o she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again. (o she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your nun, you weigh 7E8lbs., your going to +hicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. (he said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. (he sat back down and this +owboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and ust started playing beautiful music. (he looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again. (o she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 7E8lbs., your going to +hicago Ill. and your going to break wind. (he thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and =A&T*? like a bay mule. (o she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. (he said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again. (he went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 7E8lbs., your going to +hicago Ill. and your going to have se/. (he said ah5hah that does it I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... (he sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again ust to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport. (he went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. 0our a nun, you weigh 7E8lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to +hicago%%%%%%%% A woman and a man are involved in a car accident: it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, !(o you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, ust look at our cars% There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from $od that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.! =lattered, the man replied, !-h yes, I agree with you completely%! !This must be a sign from $od%! The woman continued, !And look at this, here's another miracle. 6y car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. (urely $od wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.!

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, !Aren't you having any1! The woman replies, !.o. I think I'll ust wait for the police...! Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, !I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.! The old man says, !What1! (o the doctor says it again. -nce again the old man says, !what1! (o the doctor yells it, !I .**? A ,&I.* (A6"#*, A =*+*( (A6"#*, A.? A B#--? (A6"#*%! With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, !2e needs a pair of your underwear%! A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. #acking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor !What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs1! The doctor replies !We call that the penis.! The new bride then asks !What's that reddishTpurple thing on the end of the penis1! The doctor replies !We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks !What are those E round things about 7F inches from the head of the penis1! The doctor replies !#ady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass%! Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby 6en's &oom, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, !?ear 6r. Burford... All is forgiven. 4ust tell us...where it is1! A couple were indulged in se/ual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise. #ater that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. +onfused, he asked, !Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't1! !(illy,! she replied, !I take my pantyhose off in the shower%!

(o this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Niagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the UstrongestU variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription. #ater that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain1', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists 5 the girls never showed up%' A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. (o the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says !2ey man, you wanna see something pretty cool1! The hitch hiker says sure. (o the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow ob. (o after that, the trucker says !2ey man, do you want some of that1! And the hitch hiker says !(ure, but ust don't smack me so hard.! -ne winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of +alifornia to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. 4ust then, the second flea arrived ust a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, !What the hell happened to you1! To which the second flea replied !I ust rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd%! The first flea said, !?on't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm!. The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The ne/t winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again ust a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea e/claimed !?idn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm1! To which the second flea replied, !I did ust as you said: I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. .e/t thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache% To men dicussing how tight ass cold their wives had been to them about giving se/. The first fellow says !6y wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the ne/t morning its turned to ice.! The second fellow says !2ell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in%! -ne evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 7E! tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy ne/t to him: !What the hell is that1! The guy ne/t to him replies !2e's a pianist%!, to which the drunk replied !2orse shit, your pulling my leg! (o the guy ne/t to him picks up the 7E! man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. (ure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. (tunned, the drunk asks !That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him!1 The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was

granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it) when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks !I wish for a million bucks!. All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing !0ou son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.! The fella started laughing and wildly e/claimed !0ou don't really think I wished for a 7E! pianist do you1! This retarded kid is starting his first day of school. 2e walks down to the bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school. The bus eventually drives up and opens the door. !2ello 6r (choolbus ?river! he says in a slurred voice. Then the bus door closes and drives off without picking him up. 2e went back home, told his parents and figured he would try again. The ne/t morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and opened the door. In a slurred voice the boy says ,!2ello 6r Busdriver%! To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off. The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were ma orly pissed off. The ne/t morning, they came down with the boy to the bus stop to talk to the driver. The bus came past and the door opened. The father of the boy asks, !6y boy needs to go to school each morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come1!. The bus driver says in a slurred voice, !2e keeps making fun of me%! A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. 2e phoned the Alaskan 6obile =i/it (ervice and they arrived shortly after. 2e service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said ! It looks like you've blown a seal !, the man replies !.o, it's ust frost on my moustache.! The doc told him that masturbating before se/ often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, !What the hell, I'll try it,!2e spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. 2e couldn't do it in his office. 2e thought about the restroom, but that was too open. 2e considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. =inally, he realized his solution. -n his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. 2e got out and crawled underneath as if he was e/amining the truck. (atisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. 2e closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a >uick tug at the bottom of his pants. .ot wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, !What1! 2e heard, !This is the police. What's going on down there1! The man replied, !I'm checking out the rear a/le, it's busted.! +ame the reply, !Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill F minutes ago.! After thirty5five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says !Annabel before I die I have to tell you something!. (he replies !0es, yes dear anything what

is it1! 2e starts, !The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. 0ou sat by my bed and nursed me back to health.! To which the wife nods her head and he continues, !When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me% And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel 0ou've been through everything with me.! Bernie says, !(o before I die I ust want you to know you're a fucking in/%! There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. -n his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. (o when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. !What's the deal1! he asks. 2is mom says ! 0ou kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you.! Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says !?o you want me to tell him or should you1! A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. 2e offered to let the couple try an e/perimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man >uickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to GI, PI, 8I, and finally 7IIV of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead. Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, !6y husband is like a &olls5&oyce: smooth and sophisticated.! The second said, !6ine is like a porsche: fast and powerful.! The third said, !6ine is like an old +hevy. It needs a hand start and I have to ump on while it's still going.! !3" BAR J"J=S DAGID Hasselhoff )alks into a +ar and says to the +arman? -I )ant you to call me Da(id Hoff-. !he +arman replies?

-Sure thing Da(e... no hassle.2'2'2'2'2 A BRAI8 and a pair of >ump leads )alk into a +ar. !he >ump leads take a seat and the +rain gets the round in, +ut the +artender refuses to ser(e the +rain. -Ho) come/- says the +rain. -3ell,- replies the +artender, -you0re out of your head and your mate looks like he0s gonna start something.!)o Blondes... #P1& A +londe )oman )as speeding do)n the road in her little red sports car and )as pulled o(er +y a )oman police officer that )as also a +londe. !he cop asked to see the +londe0s dri(er0s license. She dug through her purse and )as getting progressi(ely more agitated. -3hat does it look like/- she finally asked. !he police)oman replied, -It0s sEuare and it has your picture on it.!he dri(er finally found a sEuare mirror, looked at it and handed it to the police)oman. -Here it is,- she said. !he +londe officer looked at the mirror, then handed it +ack saying, -"kay, you can go. I didn0t realise you )ere a cop.A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. !I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge OEI for se/.! The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. !Why aren't we going anywhere1! asked the girl. !Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a ta/i driver, and the fare back to town is OEF.! +inderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. 2er =airy $odmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin ne/t to +inderella's house into a tampon. The $odmother says, !.ow use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good.! +inderella agrees and leaves the house. 6idnight comes along...no +inderella, 7am, Eam and ;am, still no +inderella% =inally, Fam rolls by and +inderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother umps up. !Where the hell have you been1%1! To which +inderella replies, !I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. 2is name was "eter "eter.....!

This guy decides to oin the .avy. -n his first day of service, he gets a>uatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, !What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea1!, to which the other replies, !Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, ust pump your cock in the side with the hole.! Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. 2e climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. =lings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever e/perienced, it was truly a success% After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. !That barrel really was great% I could do it every day%! To which the other crew member replies, !0eah, you can every day e/cept Thursday.! +onfused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, !Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday.! 4ason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says !2ey, can you give me a hand1!. Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. 2e unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come udgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants. !2ey, thanks a lot man.! The man says !.o problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your 4ohnson1! Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says !I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it%! A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. ?uring the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. (uddenly a really ugly man, and I mean &5*5A5#5#50 ugly man walks into the bar. 2e sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Nery soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. ?isheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, '*/cuse me, but that really ugly man ust came in here and left with those two stunning women 5 what's his secret1 2e's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night 5 What's going on1' 'Well,' (aid the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. 2e walks in, orders a drink, and ust sits there licking his eyebrows...' A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to

his wife and started fondling her pussy. 2e did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, !What the hell are doing, taking all your ammies off1! The wife replied, !0ou were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier!. The husband said, !2ell no% I was ust wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages. A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have se/ with her anymore. (o, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have se/. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of se/. The ne/t night she decided to try G pills and she had even better se/. Well the ne/t night she tried 8 pills and the se/ was wonderful. (o the ne/t night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The ne/t day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, !?octor, ?octor, what did you do to my ?addy1 6y mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty%! There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. "apa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, !6mmm, I smell sausage%! 6amma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, !6mmm, I smell pancakes%! Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, !The only thing I smell is molasses.! -nce there were twin brothers by the name of 4ones. 4ohn 4ones was married, and 4oe 4ones was single. The single brother 4oe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that 4ohn 4one's wife died the same day that 4oe's rowboat filled with water and sank. A few days later, a kindly old lady met 4oe and mistaken him for 4ohn said: !-h 6r. 4ones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible!. 4oe smiled and said, !Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. 2er bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. *ven the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. (he had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. (he cracked right up the middle!. Before he could finish the old lady fainted%

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something e/citing and relate it to the class the ne/t day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. (he was reluctant to call upon little 4ohnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. #ittle 4ohnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what 4ohnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him ust what that was. !It's a period,! reported 4ohnnie. !Well I can see that,! she said, !But what is so e/citing about a period.! !?amned if I know,! said 4ohnnie, !But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then ?addy had a heart attack, 6ommy fainted and the man ne/t door shot himself.! A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, !Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter.! (he begins with the letter !A! and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named 4ohnny that is real eager to answer the >uestion, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little 6ary to answer. 6ary stands and says, !A...Apple! The teacher replies, !That's great, 6ary, good ob.! (o she moves on to the letter !B!, and again 4ohnny is still eager to answer the >uestion, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say !Bitch! or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, !B...Baseball.! And the teacher replies, !$ood 4ob, Todd.! (o they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, e/cept for 4ohnny. The teacher comes to the letter !&! and no one, e/cept for 4ohnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. !-kay 4ohnny, what starts with &1! she says. !&...&at! 4ohnny replies. !&at, ...that's it...rat1! the teacher >uestions with astonishment. !0eah,! says 4ohnny, !Big5ass mother5fuckin' rat with a dick 7E inches long.! 4ohn invited his mother over for dinner. ?uring the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful 4ohn's roommate was. (he had long been suspicious of a relationship between 4ohn and his roommate and this only made her more curious. -ver the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between 4ohn and the roommate than met the eye. &eading his mom's thoughts, 4ohn volunteered, !I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, 4ulie and I are ust roommates.! About a week later, 4ulie came to 4ohn and said, !*ver since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. !0ou don't suppose she took it, do you1! 4ulie said, !Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter ust to be sure.! (o he sat down and wrote) !?ear 6other, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.! (everal days later, 4ohn received a letter from his mother which read) !?ear (on, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with 4ulie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with 4ulie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. #ove, 6om! An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man umps out of a room and says, !*/cuse me ma'am but you were speeding. +an I see your driver's license1! (he digs around

in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. 2e looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. ,p and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man umps out of a room and says, !*/cuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there.! !+an I see your registration please1! (he digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. 2e looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. (he zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he umps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection% The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, !-h no...... not the Breathalyzer again%! There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. 2e looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties. 2e started thinking and something slipped out. The man said !I'd like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out%! 2earing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. (he says, !2oney, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it all out%! !.ow go kick his ass%!. The husband replied !?ear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't fuckin' with%! -nce there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked !What's wrong1! The old man replied !I am married to a se/y E7 year old woman who gives me two blow obs a day and we have se/ the minute I get home from work and right after dinner.! The young man had a strange look on his face and asked !What's so bad about that1 It sounds to me like you have a great se/ life.! The old man replied !I can't remember where I live%! A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. 2is friends took him to the doctor. The man asked him, !Well, what do you think, doc1! The doctor replied,! We're going to have to put in a support for about a week.! 2e then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string. The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor !But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon.! The doctor replied, !0our going to have to bear with it.! #ater that night, the man and his wife were in bed. (he took off her shirt and grabs her breasts, !.o one has ever seen these before.! The man pulls out his wang and says, !Well mines still in the crate%! $eorge was planning on going out with !The Boys! when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house. $eorge's Wife) !The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt.! $eorge) !But 2oney, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night%! (o after begging his old lady for an hour, $eorge got the -3 the go out with the guys as long as he

stayed off of the booze. $eorge met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit5faced. After about ; hours of guzzling li>uor, $eorge blew chow all over his shirt. $eorge) !(hit% The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt%! Bill, $eorge's best pal, gave drunk ass $eorge an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. Bill) !All you got to do is have a OEI bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, ust tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you EI bucks to get the shirt cleaned.! (o, when drunk ass $eorge walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. $eorges wife) !I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt%! $eorge) !2oney, let me e/plain% This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me EI bucks to have it cleaned.! 2is wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two OEI bills. $eorge's wife) !Is that so1 Then where did the other EI dollar bill come from1! $eorge) !-h, That's from the guy who shit in my pants.! ?uring her annual checkup, the well5constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the e/amining table. !?octor,! she replied shyly, !I ust can't undress in front of you.! !All right,! said the physician, !I'll flick off the lights. 0ou undress and tell me when you're through.! In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness) !?octor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes1! !"ut them on the chair, on top of mine.! !)o Italians !alking... #$B& A +us stops and t)o Italian men get on. !hey sit do)n and engage in an animated con(ersation. !he lady sitting +ehind them ignores them at first, +ut her attention is gal(ani*ed )hen she hears one of the men say the follo)ing?

-=mma come first. Den I come. Den t)o asses come together. I come once2a2more. !)o asses, they come together again. I come again and pee t)ice. !hen I come one lasta time.-@ou foul2mouthed se' o+sessed s)ine,- retorted the lady indignantly. -In this countryD )e don0t speak aloud in pu+lic places a+out our se' li(es.-Hey, coola do)n lady,- said the man. -3ho0*a talkin0 a+out a se'/ I0m >usta tellin0 my a friend here ho) to spella Mississippi.A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. -ne day another man washes up on shore. 2e and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky5panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. !.ow we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 7E5hour shifts.! The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. 2e climbs up the tower to stand watch. (oon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, !2ey, no screwing%! They yell back, !We're not screwing%! A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, !2ey, no screwing%! Again they yell back, !We're not screwing%! #ater they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. -nce again the second man yells down, !2ey, I said no screwing%! They yell back, !We're not screwing%! *ventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. 2e's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, !(on5of5a5gun. =rom up here it ?-*( look like they're screwing. 6rs. 4ones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at 6rs. 4ones and says the following) !6rs. 4ones, overall you are very healthy for a GF year old. There is however, only one problem. 0ou are GI pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years.! (he looks sternly at him and says, !I demand a second opinion!. !-3! he says, !you're fucking ugly as well%! (itting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. 2e tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully

deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation: he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. 2e then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. !(o! the wife says, !what do you think he'll become after he finishes school1 A $" or a surgeon1! !Well says the man, rubbing his nose, !by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son5 in5law.! A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. !I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. 4ust bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there.! A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. 2e returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. !Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.! ,nbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had ust happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. (everal days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. !(ir, remember me1 I'm the blind man.! !I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.! The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, !That smells great, I take the 6acaroni and cheese with broccoli. -nce again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the ne/t time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. 2e returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. 2e tells his wife, !6ary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.! 6ary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. !$ood afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.! The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, !2ey I didn't know that 6ary worked here1!

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an e/tra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any >uestions or problems. A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. (he told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client O7II. (he went back and informed the client at which he cried, !That's too much%! 2e then asked, !2ow much for a hand ob1! (he asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said !Ask for OGI.! The woman ran back and informed the client. 2e felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. ,pon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung. (he asked him once more to wait a moment. (he ran around the corner again at which her husband asked !.ow what1! The wife replied !+an I borrow OPI1! A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. -ne day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old $randma. The young girl was frantic. (ure enough, $randma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, !What are you lining up for, dear1! .ot willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. !6mm, sounds lovely,! said $randma. !I think IJKLll have some myself,! she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, >uestioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to $randma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. !But youJKLre so old... how do you do it1! $randma replied, !-h, it's >uite easy, sonny... I ust remove my dentures and suck JKLem dry%! A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. !?o all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets1! The waiter replied, !0es. *ver since an *fficiency */pert visited our restaurant... 2e determined that 7<.8V of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.! The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, !=orgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly1!

The waiter replied, !0es, we all do. (eems that the same *fficiency */pert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. (o, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. 2aving never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. (aves a lot of time.! !Wait a minute,! said the diner, !how do you get your penis back in your pants1! !Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.! Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. (hortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, !6ommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours%! The mother cleverly replies, !The bigger they are, the dumber they are%! With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. (everal minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, !6ommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than ?addy's%! !The bigger they are, the dumber they are%! she replies. With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. (everal minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, !6ommy, I ust saw ?addy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got%! A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. !I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,! he insisted. !And, I don't e/pect any hassle from you. Also, I e/pect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card5playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,! he said. !Any comments1! 2is new bride replied, !.o, that's fine with me. But, ust understand that there'll be se/ here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.! A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. -n this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of ust talking to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. "leasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor. !That is a good sign,! suggests the doctor, !Why don't you try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.! The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast which brings a moan from his wife. 2e rushes out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps

be a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral se/. 6ore than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's bedside to do his deed. (ome five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor. !What's going on1! asks the doctor. The husband yells, !6y wife stopped breathing%! !What happened1! asks the doctor. !*verything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago.! The husband replies, !(he choked.! =armer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says) !-3, old fellow, time to retire.! The old rooster says) !0ou can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me%! The young rooster replies) !.ow don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike%! The old rooster says) !Aw, c'mon, ust let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you.! The young rooster snarls) !(cram% Beat it% 0ou're washed up% I'm taking over%! The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster) !I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop.! The young rooster smiles) !0ou know I'm going to beat you, old man. (o ust to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.! The two roosters line up in back of the farm house: a hen clucks !$o%! and the old rooster takes off running. About F seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. =armer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Muickly, he grabs his shotgun and B--6% The young rooster is blown to smithereens% =armer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust) !?amn% That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week.! A woman in her ;I's was taking her mother, who was in her FI's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, !?on't we look pretty today!, as he performed his e/amination. The lady was >uite shocked, but said nothing. When her daughter picked her up, she was >uite upset. The =ollowing conversation ensued) 6other) ?o you know what that doctor said to me1 2e said, !?on't we look pretty today!, while he was looking between my legs% ?o you think that was appropriate1 ?aughter) .o% Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something1 6other) Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered se/ual harassment. What do you think1

?aughter) I don't know. We're you embarrassed1 6other) I was very embarrassed. I used some of your =?( this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented% ?aughter) I don't have any =?(. 6other) Why, sure you do% In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment... $randdaughter) That's my Barbie $olden $litter 2air (pray% A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. !$randpa what are you doing1! he e/claimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. !$randpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist1! he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, !Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your $randma's idea.! Actual +ourt Transcripts) 55555555555555555555555555 M. ?id you ever stay all night with this man in .ew 0ork1 A. I refuse to answer that >uestion. M. ?id you ever stay all night with this man in +hicago1 A. I refuse to answer that >uestion. M. ?id you ever stay all night with this man in 6iami1 A. .o. 555555555555555555555 M. 6s, were you cited in the accident1 A. 0es (ir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself%% 55555555555555555555 M. ?octor, did you say he was shot in the woods1 A. .o, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. 55555555555555555555 M. What is your name1 A. *rnestine 6c?owell. M. And what is your marital status1

A. =air. 55555555555555555555 M. Are you married1 A. .o, I'm divorced. M. And what did your husband do before you divorced him1 A. A lot of things I didn't know about. 55555555555555555555 M. ?o you know how far pregnant you are right now1 A. I will be three months .ovember 8th. M. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th1 A. 0es. M. What were you and your husband doing at that time1 55555555555555555555 M. ?octor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people1 A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 55555555555555555555 M. Were you ac>uainted with the defendant1 A. 0es, sir. M. Before or after he died1 55555555555555555555 M. 6rs. 4ones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney1 A. .o. This is how I dress when I go to work. 55555555555555555555 T2* +-,&T) .ow, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any. 55555555555555555555 M. ?id he pick the dog up by the ears1 A. .o. M. What was he doing with the dog's ears1 A. "icking them up in the air. M. Where was the dog at this time1

A. Attached to the ears. 55555555555555555555 M. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being e/cluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station1 6&. B&--3() -b ection. That >uestion should be taken out and shot. 55555555555555555555 M. And lastly, $ary, all your responses must be oral. -.3.1 What school do you go to1 A. -ral. M. 2ow old are you1 A. -ral. 55555555555555555555 M) What is your relationship with the plaintiff1 A) (he is my daughter. M) Was she your daughter on =ebruary 7;, 79<91 55555555555555555555 M) ...and what did he do then1 A) 2e came home, and ne/t morning he was dead. M) (o when he woke up the ne/t morning he was dead1 55555555555555555555 M) (o, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp1 A) I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. M) It was covered1 A) 0es, bandaged. M) Then, later on.. what did you see1 A) I had a skin graft. 6y whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. 55555555555555555555 M) +ould you see him from where you were standing1 A) I could see his head. M) And where was his head1 A) 4ust above his shoulders. 55555555555555555555

M) ?o you drink when you're on duty1 A) I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. 55555555555555555555 M) ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial1 A) The victim lived. 55555555555555555555 M) Are you se/ually active1 A) .o, I ust lie there. 55555555555555555555 M) Are you >ualified to give a urine sample1 A) 0es, I have been since early childhood. 55555555555555555555 M) What is the meaning of sperm being present1 A) It indicates intercourse. M) 6ale sperm1 A. That is the only kind I know. 55555555555555555555 M) C(howing man picture.D Is that you1 A) 0es, sir. M) And you were present when the picture was taken, right1 55555555555555555555555 M) Was that the same nose you broke as a child1 A) I have only one, you know. 55555555555555555555555555555 M) And was he dead when you performed the autopsy1 A) .o, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy% .ews 2eadlines (omething Went Wrong in 4et +rash, */pert (ays "olice Begins +ampaign to &un ?own 4aywalkers (afety */perts (ay (chool Bus "assengers (hould be Belted ?runk $ets .ine 6onths in Niolin +ase

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.ever Withold 2erpes Infection from #oved -ne ?runken ?river "aid O7,III in ''8G War ?ims 2ope for "eace If (trike isn''t (ettled Muickly, It 6ay #ast a While +old Wave #inked to Temperatures *nfields +ouple (lain: "olice (uspect 2omicide &ed Tape 2olds ,p .ew Bridge ?ear 3ill 7<,III Typhoon &ips Through +emetery: 2undreds ?ead 6an (truck by #ightning =aces Battery +harge .ew (tudy of -besity #ooks for #arger Tests $roup Astronaut Takes Blame for $as in (pacecraft 3ids 6ake .utritious (nacks +hef Throws 2is 2eart Into 2elping =eed .eedy Arson (uspect 2eld in 6assachussets =ire British ,nion =inds ?warfs in (hort (upply Ban -n (oliciting ?ead in Trotwood #ansing &esidents +an ?rop -ff Trees #ocal 2igh (chool ?ropouts +ut in 2alf .ew Naccine 6ay +ontain &abies 6an 6inus *ar Waives 2earing ?eaf +ollege -pens ?oors to 2earing Air 2ead =ired (teals +lock, =aces Time

"rosecutor &eleases "robe into ,ndersheriff -ld (chool "illars Are &eplacd by Alumni Bank ?rive5In Window Blocked by Board 2ospitals are (ued by (even =oot ?octors (ome "ieces of &ock 2udson (old at Auction (e/ *ducation ?elayed, Teachers &e>uest Training Include 0our +hildren When Baking +ookies A wife went in to see a therapist and said, !I've got a big problem doctor. *very time we're in bed and my husband clima/es, he lets out this earsplitting yell.! !6y dear,! the shrink said, !that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.! !The problem,! she complained, !is that it wakes me up.! A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. (o the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. 2owever, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and re>uested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. (he looked more beautiful than she ever had before% All her friends and relatives ust went on and on about her youthful beauty% -ne day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. (he said, !?ear, I ust want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.! !6y darling,! he replied, !think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.! A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. 2is wife asks, !What's that for1! !It's for your headache.!

!I don't have a headache.! 2e replies, !$otcha%! 0ou may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. (o when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. 2e responded, !(ure. 0ou carry the suitcases%! (he left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. !Who was it1! he asked. !6y husband,! she replied. !I better get going,! he said. !Where was he1! !&ela/. 2e's downtown playing poker with you.! There is this guy who has a EF inch dick. 2e goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he ust can't please the ladies because it is ust too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure. (he tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink F inches. 2e goes into the woods and finds this frog. 2e asks !frog, will you marry me1! The frog says !no! And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, !Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big.! (o he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog) !=rog, will you marry me1! =rog) !.o, I won't marry you.! The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 7F inches and he thinks his chop is still ust a little bit too big. But he thinks that 7I inches would be ust great. 2e goes back to the frog and asks) !=rog, will you marry me1! =rog) 2ow many times do I have to tell you .-, .-, .-%%% There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. (he tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new e/perimental techni>ue on her. 2e will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. (o she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works

for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. (he cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they ust wont go away. (o she goes to the doctor. (he says to the doctor) !?octor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes.! The doctor replies) !#ady those aren't bags..those are your boobs.! All she had to say was..!.ow that would e/plain why I have this goatee.! -ne day a farmer goes into town to see a vet to see if how to tell that his pigs are pregnant. The vet says that if there standing up in the morning there not pregnant, but if there rolling in the mud they are. (o the farmer goes home and loads all of his pigs in the back of his pick5up and takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all once. Then he takes them home and unloads them in there pin. Afterwards he gets tired so goes to bed. The ne/t morning he gets up and checks on the pigs and there standing up, so he takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all twice. Then goes home, >uickly unloads them in there pin, and goes right to bed. The ne/t morning, very tired, the farmer gets up to check on his pigs, but they are still standing. Again, he loads them in the truck, takes them to the woods, and fucks them three times. Then he takes them home, unloads them, and goes straight to bed. The ne/t morning the farmer is so tired he can't even get out of bed, so he yells to his wife to come into his bedroom. 2e tells her to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are standing up or rolling in the mud. 2is wife replies neither, they're all in the back of the truck, and ones laying on the horn. Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins: they en oyed losing their virginity with each other in 7Ith grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. *ven when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. =inally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. 2e didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. (o, what she did is this) she took a "olaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, !I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.! Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. (o, what he did ne/t was awesome. 2e wrote on the back of the photo the following, !?ear 6om and ?ad, having a great time at college, please send more money%! and mailed the picture to her parents. Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. (uddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the

cigarette. 2er friend asks her) !What are you doing1%1! (o she replies) !I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom! (o her friend asks) !WhatJKLs a condom1 Where did you get it1! (o she says) !At the pharmacy! (o the ne/t day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks) !What size1! (o she replies) !I dunno, one that will fit a camel! -n the first day of college, the ?ean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules) !The female dormitory will be out5of5bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined OEI the first time.! 2e continued, !Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined OPI. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of O78I. Are there any >uestions1! At this point, a male student in the crowd in>uired) !2ow much for a season pass1! Bob oins a very e/clusive nudist colony. -n his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says) !(ir, did you call for me1! Bob replies) !.o, what do you mean1! (he says) !0ou must be new here: let me e/plain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.! (miling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues e/ploring the facilities. 2e enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The 2uge 6an says) !(ir, did you call for me1! Bob replies) !.o, what do you mean1! The 2uge 6an) !0ou must be new here: it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.! The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. 2e is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist) !6ay I help you1! Bob says) !2ere is your card and key back. 0ou can keep the OFII oining fee.! &eceptionist) !But (ir, you've only been here a couple of hours: you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....!Bob replies) !#isten lady, I am F8 years old, I get a hard5on twice a month, but I fart 7F times a day. .o thanks.! There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. (o, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. 2e is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. 2e is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

2e is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. 0ou are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family. With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. (o, the ne/t day she told her grandmother that her date went ust like she said. But she said !grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.! 0oung 4ohnny and (usie were playing doctor, on the back porch when (usie's mom popped in on them. !0ou're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home! she said (usie replied, !4ohnny's been doing that all afternoon.! "n Galentine0s day, some entries for a competition to find a couplet )ith the most romantic first line and most unromantic second line? #$:& I thought that I could lo(e no other Fntil, that is, I met your +rother I )ant to feel your s)eet em+race But don0t take that paper +ag off of your face My darling, my lo(er, my +eautiful )ife? Marrying you scre)ed up my life My lo(e, you take my +reath a)ay 3hat ha(e you stepped in to smell this )ay/ I see your face )hen I am dreaming !hat0s )hy I al)ays )ake up screaming.

?iving If you think you're having a bad day... =ire Authorities in +alifornia found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post5 mortem e/amination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal in uries. ?ental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast55some EI 6I#*( away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as >uickly as possible,

called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. 0ou guessed it%%% -ne minute our diver was making like =lipper in the "acific, the ne/t he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket ;IIm in the air. Apparently, he e/tinguished e/actly 7.<8m CF'7I!D of the fire. Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, ust a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and !splash! they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. 2e can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. 2e picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where5upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. *ventually the head catches his breath and shouts) !Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me%! A crowded ,nited Air #ines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. (he was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. 2e slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted) !I don't want to stand in line. I 2AN* to be on this flight and it has to be =I&(T +#A(( and &I$2T .-W%! The young agent replied, !I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you.! The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. 2e asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, !I don't want to stand in line% ?o you have any idea who I am1! Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. !6ay I have you attention, please,! her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here W2- ?-*( .-T 3.-W W2- 2* I(. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate.! With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore !=uck you%! Without flinching, she smiled an said, !I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too%! A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, !0ou know, you should have come to see me sooner. ,nfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.! The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. !2oney, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,! she says. !I am

going to treat you like a king.! (he prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles5the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. (he leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. -nce done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock. 2e knows that he is doomed. 2e taps her...!2oney1! he whispers. (he rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. (he is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. =inally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. !2oney1! he whispers. (he rolls over and yells, !-h sure% 0ou don't have to get up in the morning%%%! A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. 4ust as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words) !Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. ?riving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. (he was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. 2er shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. (he was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. 2er slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore1' !And so, here we are%! 2usband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says !I don't feel like it, I ust want you to hold me.! The husband says !W2AT11! The wife e/plains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. (o the ne/t day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. 2e walks around and has her try on three very e/pensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth OEII each. And then goes to the 4ewelry ?ept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so e/cited Cshe thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not careD. (he goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says !but you don't even play tennis, but -3 if you like it then lets get it.! The wife is umping up and down so e/cited she cannot even believe what is going on. (he says !I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.! The husband says,! no 5 no 5 no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.! The wife's face goes blank. !.o honey 5 I ust want you to 2-#? this stuff for a while.! 2er face gets really red and she is about to e/plode and then the 2usband says, !0ou must not be in tune with my financial needs as a 6an%%% Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced ! "lease prepare for a crash landing !. The first lady put on all her ewelry . (urprised by this the other ladies >uestioned her actions. The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and

bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies >uestioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first. The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. Why are you doing that the other ladies >uestioned, well they always search for the black bo/ first 1 A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. (he orders the chicken and starts to eat. *ating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the ne/t booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. (he pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, !0ou're right #eroy, that hind5lick maneuver works like a charm.! -ur dog left so many disgusting stains on our carpet that we had to buy new carpet. I didn't want to be stupid about the new purchase, so I cut the stains out of the old carpet. When the carpet guy asked what color we wanted, I pulled out the stained patches and said, !0eah, can you match this color%! A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him !?ad, what does a pussy look like1! The ?ad confused, asks him ! before or after se/1! The kid says !,mmm before se/! (o the dad says to him !Well have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles.! !yeah! says the son.!well what about after se/! he says to his dad. 2is dad replies ! 2ave you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise! A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. #ater, after they've had se/, he turns to her and asks, ''(o, how was I1'' (he says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.'' A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''0ou know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physi>ue, it really is phenomenal% But I have a >uestion, why is your head so small1''

The big guy nods slowly. 2e's obviously fielded this >uestion many times. ''-ne day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting ne/t to a stream.'' ''.o shit1'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. ''0eah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 3iss me. 3iss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.''' ''3eep going%'' I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. "--=% The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. (he said, ''0ou now have three wishes.'' I looked down at my scrawny 77F pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold (chwarzenneger.'' (he nodded, snapped her fingers, and "--= there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked% (he then asked, ''What will be your second wish1'' ''What ne/t1'' begged the bartender. I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' (he nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours% Afterwards, as we lay there ne/t to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''0ou know, you do have one more wish. What will it be1'' I looked at her and replied, ''2ow 'bout a little head1'' -ne day a pregnant wife announced that she was going to start looking for names for her and her husbands unborn child. When the father had gotten home from work the mother held up a baby book and said that the name was going to be -phella. The husband Cwho was >uite wittyD didn't like the name he said, !That's a good name, it reminds me of this girl I dated in high school.! The ne/t day the mother had changed the name to (arah. -nce there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. -nce he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. 2e watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, !What's wrong young man1 0ou look like you ust saw a ghost%!. The little boy replies, !6y mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard%!.

A married man keeps telling his wife !2oney, you have such a beautiful butt!. *very person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words !Beautiful butt! tattooed on her ass. (he walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. 2e looks and says, !0ou do have a beautiful butt!. (he then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her !I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. (he agrees and gets it done. -n the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. (he then stands at the top of the stairs. 2e opens the door and she says !look honey.! (he then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells !W2- T2* =,+3 I( B-B1!% &*A##0 +--# $A6*%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% =irst things first) .- +2*ATI.$

&eally. I mean it.

?on't cheat. This is a little game that has a pretty funnyTcreepy outcome. ?on't read ahead, ust do it in order. It takes about ; minutes It's worth it. It's kinda eerie....

=irst, $et a blank piece of paper and pen.

".(. When you are asked to choose names, make sure it's people you A+T,A##0 3.-W, and go with your first instincts%

(croll down one line at a time 5 don't read ahead or you'll ruin the fun%% Are you ready spaghetti. . . .

7.D =irst, write the numbers 7 through 77 in a column.

E.D Then, beside numbers 7 and E, write any two numbers you want.

;.D Beside the ; and <, write down the names of members of the opposite se/ Cor same se/ if you're gayD. ?on't look ahead55or it won't turn out right%

G.D Write anyone's name Clike friends or family...D in the Gth, Fth and Pth spots. ?on't cheat or you'll be upset that you did.

F.D Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 7I and 77.

P.D =inally, make a wish.....

And here is the key for that game..

7.D 0ou must tell Cthe number in space ED people about this game in Cthe number in space 7D days in order to make your wish come true.

E.D The person in space ; is the one that you love.

;.D The person in < is one you like but can't work out.

G.D 0ou care most about the person you put in G.

F.D The person you name in number F is the one who knows you very well.

P.D The person you name in P is your lucky star

<.D The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in ;

8.D The title in 9 is the song for the person in <.

9.D The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.

7I.D And 77 is the song telling how you feel about life% =unny Muotes !(moking kills, and if you''re killed, you''ve lost a very important part of your life.% 5Anti5smoking spokesperson Brooke (hields !The police are not here to create disorder, they''re here to preserve disorder% 5=ormer +hicago mayor ?aley during the infamous 79P8 convention !If you''ve seen one &edwood tree, you''ve seen them all% 5=orestry e/pert &onald &eagan !Traditionally, most of Australia''s imports come from overseas! 5=ormer Australian cabinet minister 3eppel *nderbery !The streets are safe in "hiladelphia, it''s only the people that make them unsafe! 5=ormer "hiladelphia 6ayor and "olice +hief =rank &izzo !The internet is a great way to get on the net% 5&epublican presidential candidate Bob ?ole !It is bad luck to be superstitious% 5Andrew 6athis

!2e was a man of great statue% 5Boston mayor Thomas 6enino on former mayor 4ohn +ollins !It''s like an alcatraz around my neck! 5Boston mayor 6enino on the shortage of city parking spaces !They''re multipurpose. .ot only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.! 5"ratt S Whitney spokesperson e/plaining why the company charged the Air =orce nearly O7III for an ordinary pair of pliers. !The "resident has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.! 5+linton aide $eorge (tephanopolous speaking on #arry 3ing #ive !We''re going to turn this team around ;PI degrees.! 54ason 3idd, upon his drafting to the ?allas 6avericks !I''m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.% 52illary +linton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents !When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.% 5=ormer ,.(. "resident +alvin +oolidge !It''s like de a vu all over again.% 50ogi Berra !+hina is a big country, inhabited by many +hinese! 5=ormer =rench "resident +harles ?e $aulle !That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a ackass, and I''m ust the one to do it.% 5A congressional candidate in Te/as Giagra 3ife Diary #P1& Day $ Just cele+rated our ;Bth )edding anni(ersary )ith not much to cele+rate. 3hen it came time to reenact our )edding night, he locked himself in the +athroom and cried. Day ; !oday, he says he has a +ig secret to tell me. He0s impotent, he says, and he )ants me to +e the first to kno). 3hy doesn0t he tell me something I don0t kno). I mean, he actually thinks I ha(en0t noticed.

Day : !his marriage is in trou+le. A )oman has needs. @esterday, I sa) a picture of 8elson0s Column and +urst into tears. Day 6 A miracle has happened. !here0s a ne) drug on the market that )ill fi' his 0pro+lem0. It0s called Giagra. I told him that if he takes Giagra, things )ill +e >ust like they )ere on our )edding night. I think this )ill )ork. I replaced his Pro*ac )ith the Giagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day B 3hat a+solute +liss.. Day < Isn0t life )onderful +ut it0s difficult to )rite )hile he0s doing that. Day H !his Giagra thing has gone to his head. 8o pun intended. @esterday, at Burger Jing, the manager asked me if I0d like a 3hopper. He thought they )ere talking a+out him. But, ha(e to admit it0s (ery nice 2 I don0t think I0(e e(er +een so happy. Day % I think he took too many o(er the )eekend. @esterday, instead of mo)ing the la)n, he )as using his ne) friend as a )eed )acker. I0m also getting a +it sore do)n there. Day 5 8o time to )rite. He might catch me. Day $7 "kay, I admit it. I0m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters )orse, he0s )ashing the Giagra do)n )ith neat )hisky. 3hat am I going to do/ I feel tacky all o(er.... Day $$ I0m +asically +eing scre)ed to death. It0s like li(ing )ith a Black and Decker drill. I )oke up this morning hot2glued to the +ed. =(en my armpits hurt. He0s a complete pig. Day $; I )ish he )as gay. I0(e stopped )earing make2up, cleaning my teeth or e(en )ashing +ut he still keeps coming after me. =(en ya)ning has +ecome dangerous...

Day $: =(ery time I shut my eyes, there0s a sneak attack. It0s like going to +ed )ith a scud missile. I can hardly )alk and if he tries that -"ops, sorry- thing again, I0ll kill the KLM.4N. Day $6 I0(e done e(erything to turn him off. 8othing is )orking. I e(en started dressing like a nun +ut this >ust seems to make him more horny. Help me. Day $B I think I0ll ha(e to kill him. I0m starting to stick to e(erything I sit on. !he cat and dog )on0t go near him and our friends don0t come o(er any more. Aast night I told him to go and scre) himself and he did. Day $< !he KLM.4N has started to complain a+out headaches. I hope the +loody thing e'plodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Giagra and going +ack on Pro*ac. Day $H S)itched the pills +ut it doesn0t seem to ha(e made any difference...Christ. Here he comes again. Day $% He0s +ack on Pro*ac. !he la*y sod >ust sits there in front of the !G all day )ith that remote control in his hand and e'pects me to do e(erything for him. 3hat a+solute +liss. A couple was invited to a swanky masked 2alloween "arty. (he got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. 2e, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. (o he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. (he oined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. 2is wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had ust arrived. (he let him go as far as he wished: naturally, since he was her husband. =inally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. 4ust before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of e/planation he would make for his behavior.

(he was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. 2e said, !-h the same old thing. 0ou know I never have a good time when you're not there.! The she asked, !?id you dance much1! 2e replied, !I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met "ete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time%! An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, '2oney, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. 4ust cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have se/ with you, ust go along with it and pretend you like it. -ur lives depend on it.' '?ear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he ust told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight5looking ass%%%%%%%' A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. 2e walked up to the car and saw a nice5looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell li>uor on her breath. 2e said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' (he blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.' (he replied, '0ou mean it shows that, too1' There was a man who wanted a pure wife. (o he started to attend church to find a woman. 2e met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks !What's this1! (he replies !A cock.! 2e thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the >uestion. (he replies !A cock!. 2e is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. (he won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. 2e whips it out and asks, !What is this1! (he giggles and says !A pee5pee! 2e thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says !That's your pee5pee.! 2e finally breaks down and says !#ook this is not a pee5pee, it is a cock.! (he laughs and says !.o it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black.!

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. !I get such a yen for a cigarette,! said one, !that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a #ife (aver into my mouth and suck hard.! !That's fine for you,! huffed her friend, !but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach%! There was an e/hibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. (o when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and e/posed himself. The stewardess said, !I'm sorry sir. 0ou have to show your ticket here, not your stub.! A man got a ob in the sales promotion department of a cola soft5drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager e/plained. !-h% It's an easy ob% All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock (even5,p%! This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through e/amining her he says) !I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.! The woman then says) !-oooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby%! To which the dentist replies, !6ake up your mind, I have to ad ust the chair.! Tarzan had been living alone in his ungle kingdom for ;I years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for se/. 4ane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. ?eep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a ungle oak. (he watched in awe for a while. =inally, overcome by this display of animal passion 4ane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for1' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for s>uirrels.' A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of 4apan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. 2e said to the female whale, !#ets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and >uickly sank. (oon however, the whales realized the sailors had umped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female !lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.! At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. !#ook!, she said, !I went along with the blow ob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.! Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, !"lease do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. +ould you check it out for me1! 2is roommate lubes up his finger CmercifullyD

and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, !I don't feel anything.! Bruce says, !Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.! (o his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. 2e feels around, and then pulls out a &ole/ watch. 2e says, !I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.! Bruce starts singing, !2appy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...! -l' =red had been a faithful +hristian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood ne/t to the bed, -l' =red's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and -l' =red used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his acket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same acket that he was wearing when -l' =red died. 2e said, !0ou know, -l' =red handed me a note ust before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing =red, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.! 2e opened the note, and read, !Asshole, you're standing on my o/ygen tube%! The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi5syllable words. (he thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children e/amples of words with more than one syllable. !4ane, ?o you know any multi5syllable words1! After some thought 4ane proudly replied with 6onday. !$reat 4ane. That has two syllables, 6on......day. ?oes anyone know another word1! 4ohnny from the back of the room yells, !I do% I do%! 3nowing 4ohnny's more mature sense of humor she picks 6ike instead. !-3 6ike, what is your word.! (aturday says 6ike. !$reat, that has three syllables...! .ot wanting to be outdone 4ohnny says !I know a four syllable word. "ick me% "ick me%! .ot thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, !-.3. 4ohnny what is your four syllable word1! 4ohnny proudly says, !6as...tur...ba...tion.! (hocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, !Wow, 4ohnny. =our syllables% That's certainly is a mouthful.! !.o 6a'am, your thinking of 'blow ob', and that's only two syllables.!

A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. -ne day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. .ow, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. (o he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her

hole and consulted her mother, !6um, I'm worried, what will "eter do if he finds out about my hole1%%! 6other said, !?on't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband5to5be. 2ere's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it.! (o the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice. This went on for a few months. .ow, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. -ne day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, !2oney, thanks for the apple. It tasted great%! (hocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, !6um, I'm in deep shit now% I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and "eter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it% What sould I do1 Will he be poisoned1 I'm scared, mum.! 6other said, !?on't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WAT*&6*#-. I left in the washroom and he lived%! There was an Amish girl that had ust come of age to date. 2er mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish still ride in buggies. 2er mother asked, !why are you wearing gloves1! (he continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The $irl said to her mother, !its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold1! 2er mother replied. ! ust stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm.! (o the girl agreed. 2er date picked her up and they went on there was. -n their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. 2er date looked over and said, !what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for1! (he replied, ! my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm.! 2er date said to her, ! well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm1! The girl said, !well I don't see any harm in it.! (o he did. After returning home from her date she asked her mother,! What do you know about them there dicks1! 2er mother said, !Why what do you know about dicks1! The girl looked at her mother and said, !All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess%! -nce upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self5assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said) *legant #ady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. -ne kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautJKLed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought) I don't fucking think so.

This farmer has about EII hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. (o, he goes down the road to the ne/t farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, !0eah, I've got this great rooster, named &andy: he'll service every chicken you've got. .o problem.! Well , &andy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. (o , he buys &andy. The farmer takes &andy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, ! &andy, I want you to pace yourself now. 0ou've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good ob. (o, take your time and have some fun,! the farmer said with a chuckle. &andy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and &andy took off like a shot WW2A6W 2e nails every hen on there T2&** or =-,& times and the farmer is ust shocked. &andy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake WW2A6W 2e gets all the geese. &andy's up in the pigpen. 2e's in with the cows. &andy is umping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his e/pensive rooster won't even last the day. (ure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the ne/t day to find &andy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, !-h, &andy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.! &andy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , !(hhh. They're getting closer....! The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, !6ommy, guess what% 0esterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady ne/t door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her...! (onny's mother held up her hand. !.ot another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him e/actly what you've ust told me.! The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, !I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you.! !But why55! asked the startled father. !$o ahead, (onny. Tell daddy ust what you told me.! !Well,! (onny said, !I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady ne/t door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did ust what you did with uncle 4ohn when daddy was away last summer.! A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on '-bservation'. 2e took out a ar of yellow5 colored li>uid. !This!, he e/plained, !is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste.! After saying this, he dipped his finger into the ar and put it into his mouth. 2is class watched on

in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the ar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the ar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. !If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my End finger into the ar and my ;rd finger into my mouth.! Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the sub ect turned to se/. !0ou know, 4ohn and I have been having some se/ual problems!, #inda told her friend. !That's amazing%! 6ary replied, !(o have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a se/ therapist!, said #inda. !-h, we could never do that% We'd be too embarrassed%!, responded 6ary. !But after you go, will you please tell me how it went1! (everal weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. !(o how did the se/ therapy work out, #inda1!, 6ary asked. !Things couldn't be better%!, #inda e/claimed. !We began with a physical e/am, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. 2e told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. 2e told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. *very grape that went into my vagina, 4ohn had to get it out with his tongue. *very donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. -ur se/ life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been%! With that endorsement 6ary talked her husband into an appointment with the same se/ therapist. After the physical e/ams were completed the doctor called 6ary and Tom into his office. !I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you,! he said. !But doctor,! 6ary complained, !you did such good for #inda and 4ohn, surely you must have a suggestion for us% "lease, please, can't you give us some help1 Any help at all1! !Well, -3,! the doctor answered. !-n your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a bo/ of cheerios...! A ?octor recently had a patient !drop! in on him for an unscheduled appointment. !What can I do for you today1! the ?octor asked. The aged $entleman replied) !?octor, you must help me. *very time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... ?octor, I'm scarred%! The ?octor, looking at his 8P year old patient, said) !6r. (mith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms1! The old gent's response was) !Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning%! #ittle 4ohnny and (usie were only 7I years old, but they ust knew that they were in love. -ne day they decided that they wanted to get married, so 4ohnny went to (usie's father to ask him for her hand. 4ohnny bravely walked up to him and said !6r. (mith, me and (usie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.!

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, 6r. (mith replied, !Well 4ohnny, you are only 7I. Where will you two live1! Without even taking a moment to think about it, 4ohnny replied !In (usie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.! (till thinking this is ust adorable, 6r. (mith said with a huge grin, !-kay then how will you live1 0ou're not old enough to get a ob. 0ou'll need to support (usie.! Again, 4ohnny instantly replied, !-ur allowance...(usie makes F bucks a week and I make 7I bucks a week. That's about PI bucks a month, and that'll do us ust fine.! By this time 6r. (mith was a little shocked that 4ohnny had put so much thought into this. (o, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that 4ohnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, 6r. (mith said, !Well 4ohnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I ust have one more >uestion for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own1! 4ohnny ust shrugged his shoulders and said, !Well, we've been lucky so far....! A man is telling a story... !I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, !three wood.! I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard !three wood.! I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee bo/, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight EFI yards with that three wood. (ince the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the ne/t whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog. That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played &oulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. (uddenly it looked at me and said, !kiss me.! .ow I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. (o I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room. This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. (he sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. (he whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. 6inutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. 6inutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. (till thinking this is normal he continues. (oon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. !*/cuse me miss, but are you sick1! (he looks at him and replies !.o, but the last guy was%! The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. -ne day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, !-h sir, did you know that your barracks door was open.! 2e did not understand her remark, but later on

happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. 2e decided to have some fun with his new employee. +alling her in, he asked, !By the way, 6iss 4ones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention.! The secretary, who was >uite witty, replied, !Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags%! An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. !Well, now,! says the old lady, !I guess I would like to be really, really rich.! UUU"--=UUU her rocking chair turns to solid gold. (he smiles and says, !$ee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.! UUU"--=UUU she turns into a beautiful young woman. !0our third wish1! asked the fairy godmother. 4ust then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. !-oh...can you change him into a handsome prince1! she asks. UUU"--=UUU there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. (he stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. 2e saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear) !Bet you're sorry you had me neutered%! ?ole *nvy T2I( I( T&,*... at first I thought it was a oke, but saw it reported in the (traits Times as well. $reat marketing opportunity for dildos in Iran, eh1 Tehran C&euterD 5 =or the past few weeks, the behind the doors discussion at many Iranian newspaper and magazine publishing outfits seems to be revolving not around political, social and economic issues, but the spelling of Bob ?ole's name instead. It turns out that the proper spelling of the &epublican "arty's likely nominee, ?ole, is e/actly the same as that of the word penis in "ersian. !At first it might seem funny to some people, but it's creating a serious issue for us. 2ow can we write headlines using that word1,! said 6a id =anni, a prepress specialist at a Tehran service bureau. "rofessor 2assan 3hadem, a "ersian literature lecturer at .ew 0ork ,niversity added !It's actually not a real problem. In "ersian, certain vowels are optional. QThereforeR they could write his name a couple of different ways to avoid the ambiguity. But for an e/act pronunciation, '?owl' as opposed to '?ol', well, they'd have to spell it that way.! =anni e/plained !It's not easy. In print, especially for headlines, we don't use QoptionalR vowel symbols. Because of that, his name can be read in that way.! International organizations are >uite familiar and cognizant of these types of issues. $eneral 6otors for e/ample, spends over ;II,III dollars a year ust researching car names to make sure they are not trade marked, as well as being acceptable in foreign countries.

Ali Xarkoob, a grade school teacher in Western Tehran said !I'm sure kids will find it very funny. The humor magazines will probably go crazy over it too.! A columnist for Tehran's 2amshahri daily who re>uested to remain anonymous stated !It's a real problem that no one wants to face. Think about it. What should we write if he wins1 '+linton loses "residency'1 That's not right. '"enis wins ,( "residency' isn't e/actly acceptable either.%

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. 2e gives him the advice) !I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too%!. Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The fa/es are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. !I see you followed my advice1!. !I did!, answers the employee, !It was great% By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house%!. A 9E year5old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, !0ou're really doing great, aren't you1! The man replied, !4ust doing what you said ?octor, '$et a hot mamma and be cheerful'.! The ?octor said, !I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.! A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. 2is neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, !Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens.! 2is neighbor says, !0ou fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.! #ater that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 7E chickens. The ne/t day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. -nce again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. 2e replies, !0ou fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape.! (ure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 7E ducks behind him. The ne/t day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. 2e asks what it is. The guy replies, !Its pussy willow.! 2e says, !2old on, let me get my hat.! =our men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, ust the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture. The second man said his son was doing ust as well. 2e was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, ust the other day he gave his best friend a =errari. The third man said his was doing well too. 2e was a manager at a bank. Why, ust the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.

The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were ust talking about how successful their sons are. 2e ust shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, ust the other day he was given a house, furniture and a =errari by his friends% A man travels to (pain and goes to a 6adrid restaurant for a late dinner. 2e orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty ob ects. !What's this1! he asks. !+o ones, senor,! the waiter replies. !What are co ones1! the man asks. !+o ones,! the waiter e/plains, !are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon.! At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is >uite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the ne/t night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller. !(enor,! the waiter e/plains, !the bull does not lose every time.! Who is 4ack (chitt you ask1 The lineage is finally revealed. 6any people are at a loss for a response when someone says ! you don't know ack schitt.! .ow you can intellectually handle the situation. 4ack is the only son of Awe (chitt and - (chitt. Awe (chitt, the fertilizer magnate, married (chitt, the owner of kneedeep .. (chitt, Inc. In turn, 4ack (chitt married .oe (chitt, and the deeply religious couple produced si/ children) 2olie (chitt, =ulla (chitt,$iva (chitt,Bull (chitt, and the twins, ?eep (chitt and ?ip (chitt. Against her parents' wishes, ?eep (chitt married ?umb (chitt, a high school dropout. After being married 7F years, 4ack and .oe (chitt divorced. .oe (chitt later married 6r. (herlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. (he was then known as .oe (chitt5(herlock. ?ip (chitt married #oda (chitt and they produced a nervous son, +hicken (chitt. =ulla (chitt and $iva (chitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subse>uently married the 2appens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the (chitt52appens wedding. The (chitt52appens children are ?awg,Byrd, and 2orse. Bull (chitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, "isa (chitt. (o now when someone says, !you don't know 4ack (chitt!, you can correct them. A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman !+an I smell your cunt1! !=uck off, no you can't smell my cunt%! the woman yells back at him, !-h! he replies, looking slightly confused, !it must be your feet then!. .ews =lash ) Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the *nergizer Bunny. 2e was si/ years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred appro/imately 8)GE "6 last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, !"inkie! as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. +hief 6edical */aminer, ?ura +ell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by se/ual over5stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming... A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, !I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. "ack my clothes, my fishing e>uipment, and especially my blue silk pa amas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.! The man rushes home to grab everything. 2e hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, !?id you have a good trip, dear1! The man replies, !0ep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pa amas.! 2is wife smiles and says, !-h, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle bo/%! In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. #ittle $irl) !?octor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs%! ?octor) !0es, we've had to amputate both your arms.! -ne day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. !I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the 0ukon%! he said to the bartender. !We got her%! replied the barkeep. !(he's upstairs in the second room on the right.! The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. 2e grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, !I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the 0ukon%! The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, !0ou found her%! Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. !2ow do you know I want to do it in that position1! asked the miner. !I don't,! replied the whore, !but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started.! A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives. The doctor e/amines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. (he goes home and wonders e/actly what iron supplements are. =inally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings CBB'sD and mi/es them into their food. (everal days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. (he tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. #ater the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is ok. That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. 2e says !6a, you won't believe what happened!.

(he says !I know, you're passing BB's!. !.o!, he says. !I was out behind the barn acking off and I shot the dog!. Three boys received their grades from their female se/ education instructor. -ne got a ?Y, the second a ?5 and the third an =. !-ne day we should get her for this,! said the first boy. !I agree. We�ll grab her...! said the second. !0eah,! said the third. !And then we'll kick her in the nuts%! There was a tour bus in *gypt that stopped in the middle of a town s>uare. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the s>uare. -ne tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is s>uatted down ne/t to his camel. !What time is it, sir1! The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. !It's about E)II!, he says. The tourist can't believe what he ust saw. 2e runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is E)II. 2e tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, !The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals%% -ne of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens%% It is E)IF.p.m. 2e runs back to tell the story. =inally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. 2e walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says !(it down here and grab the camel's genitals!. !.ow, lift them up in the air. .ow, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall.! Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on =riday before the udge. The udge said, !0ou seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than ail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court 6onday.! 6onday, the two guys were in court, and the udge said to the 7st one, !2ow did you do over the weekend1! !Well, your honor, I persuaded 7< people to give up drugs forever.! !7< people1 That's wonderful. What did you tell them1! !I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this... o...and told them this Cthe big circleD is your brain before drugs and this Csmall circleD is your brain after drugs.! !That's admirable,! said the udge. !And you, how did you do1!, he asked the second boy, !Well, your honor, I persuaded 7FP people to give up drugs forever.! !7FP people% That's amazing% 2ow did you manage to do that1%1!, !Well, I used a similar approach. Cdraws two circlesD -o I said Cpointing to the small circleD !this is your asshole before prison, ...!

The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost OF.per word. (he thinks for a moment and says !=red's dead.! The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. (he' says !-kay... =red's dead: Buick for sale! There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. (o in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. (o they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, !I call my man <5up.! They ask her,! Why do you call your man that,! and she says,! Because he's seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. (he says,! I call my man 6ountain ?ew.! They ask,! Why do you call your man that,! and she says,! Because he likes to 6ount me and to ?o me.! They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, !I like to call my man 4ack ?aniels.! They look at her puzzled and say,! Why do you call your man that, 4ack ?aniels is a 2ard #i>uor,! and she says, !*/actly.! A baby was ust born. 2e had all his pieces and looked >uite normal, e/cept that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were e/amining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. -ne at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found1 The birth control pill% Nery important facts 55If you yelled for 8 years, < months and P days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 55If you fart consistently for P years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 55The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to s>uirt blood ;I feet. 55Banging your head against a wall uses 7FI calories an hour. 552umans and dolphins are the only species that have se/ for pleasure. 55-n average people fear spiders more than they do death. 55The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. 55It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 550ou can't kill yourself by holding your breath. 55Americans on the average eat 78 acres of pizza every day. 55*very time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 7T7I of a calorie. 55?id you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider1 55&ight5handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left5handed people do. 55In ancient *gypt, "riests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eye5 brows and eyelashes. 55A pig's orgasm lasts for ;I minutes. 55A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. 55The ant can lift FI times its own weight, can pull ;I times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when into/icated.

55"olar bears are left handed. 55The catfish has over E<,III taste buds, more than any other animal. 55The flea can ump ;FI times its body length, that is like a human umping the length of a football field. 55A cockroach will live nine days without it's head. The only reason it doesn't live longer is it's unable to eat. 55The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates se/ by ripping the males head off. 55(ome lions mate over FI times a day. 55Butterflies taste with their feet. 55*lephants are the only animals that can't ump. CthankfullyD 55A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. 55An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. 55(tarfish haven't got brains. Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, !0ou know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife (TI## wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late%! 2is buddy looks at him and says, !Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, ump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, '2ow about a blow ob1' ....and she's always sound asleep.! =ive people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. (uddenly the engine stalls and they crash. 6iraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. (ince these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. *ach guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the ne/t week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies� The first month went by and it was really awful: second month was really bad: third month was almost unbearable: fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn�t handle it anymore so they buried her. An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. 2is wife, however, >uickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and e/claimed, !#eave them alone, they're for the funeral%!

A woman is in a coma. .urses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. -ne of them is washing her !private area! and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and e/plain what happened, telling him, !+razy as this sounds, maybe a little oral se/ will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.! The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat5lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, !I think she choked.! Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, !Today was the best day ever% This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes ust sitting on the ground. (o you know what I did1 I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever.! The second bum ust laughs, !That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. 0ou know what I did1 I fucked her all day long.! The other bum interrupts, !Bull% 0ou didn't do it all day long did you1!, the other continues, !Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life.! The first bums asks, !(o did she give you a good blow ob1! The other replies no. !2ow could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow ob1! To which the other replies, !2ow could she1 (he didn't have a head%! Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy5 year5old said, !2ave I got a problem. *very morning I get up at <);I and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out.! !2eck, that's nothing, ! said the eighty year old. !*very morning at 8);I I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible!. The ninety5year5old said, !0ou guys think you have problems% *very morning at <);I I piss like a racehorse, and at 8);I I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven.! #ittle 4ohnny was sitting in Beginning (e/ *d class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. !?oes anyone know what this is1! (he asked. #ittle 4ohnny raised his hand and said, !(ure, my daddy has two of them%! !Two of them1%! the teacher asked. !0eah. 2e has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth%! A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,!2ey% where'd a get the pig1! The woman replied,! 0ou drunken fool, that's no pig 55 it's a duck%! And the drunk said,! Muiet, I was talking to the duck.! Three guys were on a trip to (audi Arabia. -ne day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 7II beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the (heik came in. !I am the master of all these women. .o one else can touch them e/cept me. 0ou three men must pay for what you have done today.

0ou will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.! The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. !I'm a cop!, says the first man. !Then we will shoot your penis off%!, said the sheik. 2e then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. !I'm a firemen!, said the second man. !Then we will burn your penis off%!, said the sheik. =inally, he asked the last man, !And you, what do you do for a living1! And the third man answered, with a sly grin, !I'm a lollipop salesman%! A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, 4ervis, the night off. (he said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would en oy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. (o, she came home early, alone. 2er husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found 4ervis by himself in the dining room. (he called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. (he turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, !4ervis, I want you to take off my dress.! This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. !4ervis,! she continued, !now take off my stockings and garter belt.! Again, 4ervis silently obeyed. !.ow, 4ervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.! *yes downcast, 4ervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. (he looked sternly at him and said, !4ervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired%! A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times (>uare at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. ,naccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last row ne/t to an elderly couple. The film has e/plicit se/ scenes) oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado5 masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character. The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, !I wrote the score and I ust came to hear the music!, to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, !We ust came to see our dog.! A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at #ogan: it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. -ne of them says to the other, !6an, have you got anything to drink1! The other one says, !.ah, but I hear you can drink et fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz.!

(o they drink it, get smashed and have a great time: like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great 5 .hangover% The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, !2ey, how do you feel1! 2e said, !I feel great%%!, and the buddy says, !I feel great too%% 0ou don't have a hangover1! and he says, !.o 5that et fuel is great stuff 5 no hangover 5 we ought to do this more often.! !0eah, we could, but there's ust one thing.....! !What's that1! !?id you fart yet1! !.o! !Well, ?-.'T, 'cause I'm in "hoeni/%! A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. =inally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor e/amines him and says !I've found your problem. 0our penis is 7E inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter.! (o the man asks, !What's he cure, doctor1!. To which the doctor replies, !We have to cut off P inches.! The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the P inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. 2e wants the doctor to operate to put back the si/ inches. .ot hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, !2ey doc, didn't you hear me1 I want my P inches back%! =inally, the doctor responds, !=5f5f5f5f5f5uck 05y5 you% 6r. Bear and 6r. &abbit didn't like each other very much. -ne day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them si/ wishes. 2e told them that they could have ; wishes each. 6r. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. 6r. &abbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. -ne appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. 6r. Bear was amazed at 6r. &abbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. 2e wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

6r. &abbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. 6r. Bear could not believe it and +omplained that 6r. &abbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. (haking his head, 6r. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to 6r. &abbit for his last wish. 6r. &abbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, !I wish that 6r. Bear was gay%! and rode off as fast as he could% What am I1 I am a common ob ect en oyed by both se/es, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. =or most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. +leaning is usually done after I am. What am I1 Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush% What were you thinking, you pervert1 6r. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, !6iss (mith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, e/pands to si/ times it's normal size, and define the conditions.! 6iss (mith gasped, then said snottily, !6r. White, I don't think that is a proper >uestion to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.! With that, she sat down red5faced. ,nperturbed, 6r. White called on 6iss 4ones, and asked the same >uestion. 6iss 4ones, with complete composure replied, !The pupil of the eye, in dim light.! !+orrect,! said 6r. White. !.ow, 6iss (mith, I have three things to say to you) one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.! 3ho you callin0 coloured/ #P1& 3hen I )as +orn, I0m +lack. 3hen I gro) up, I0m +lack. 3hen I go out in the sun, I0m +lack. 3hen I0m cold, I0m +lack. 3hen I0m scared, I0m +lack. 3hen I0m sick, I0m +lack. And )hen I die, I0m still +lack. @ou )hite folksD 3hen you0re +orn, you0re pink. 3hen you gro) up, you0re )hite. 3hen you go out in the sun, you0re red. 3hen you0re cold, you0re +lue. 3hen you0re scared, you0re yello). 3hen you0re sick, you0re green.

3hen you +ruise, you go purple. And )hen you die, you go grey. So )ho you callin0 coloured/ 6iss Annabell had ust returned from her big trip to .ew 0ork +ity and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. (he tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. !0ou ust wouldn't believe what they have there in .ew 0ork +ity,! says 6iss Annabell. !They have men there who kiss other men on the lips.! 6iss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, !-h my% -h my%! !They call them homose/uals,! proclaims 6iss Annabell. !-h my% -h my,! proclaim the girls as they fan themselves. !They also have women there in .ew 0ork +ity who kiss other women on the lips%! !-h my% -h my,! e/claim the girls. !What do they call them1! they ask. !They call them lesbians,! says 6iss Annabell. !They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in .ew 0ork +ity,! sighs 6iss Annabell. !-h my% -h my% -h my,! e/claim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. !What do they call them1! they ask in unison. 6iss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, !Why when I caught my breath, I called him "recious.! A nerdy accountant is sent to ail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, !I want to have some se/. 0ou wanna be the husband or the wife1! The accountant replies, !Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband.! The big guy says, !-kay. .ow get over here and suck your wife's dick.! Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, !$onna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.! The other hooker looked at her and said, !.o, I ust burped.! A little boy is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming an/ious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him >uiet. As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. !?o you have hair on your goodie1! asks the barber. !?on't be silly, you old pervert% I'm only eight years old%!

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for (ocial (ecurity. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. 2e looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. 2e told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. !Will I have to go home and come back now1! he asks. The woman says, !,nbutton your shirt.! (o he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. (he says, !That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,! and she processed his (ocial (ecurity application. When he gets home, the man e/citedly tells his wife about his e/perience at the (ocial (ecurity office. (he said, !0ou should have dropped your pants, you might have >ualified for disability, too.! A woman recently lost her husband. (he had him cremated and brought his ashes home. "icking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter... Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. !Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me1 I bought it with the insurance money%! !Irving, remember that new car you promised me1 Well, I also bought it with the insurance money%! !Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me1 I bought it, too, with the insurance money.! (till tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, !Irving, remember that blow ob I promised you1 2ere it comes. .eighbor 7) !2i, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving! .ew .eighbor) !0es, it is and people around here seem e/tremely friendly! .eighbor 7) !(o what is it you do for a living1! .ew .eighbor) !I am a professor at the ,niversity, I teach deductive reasoning! .eighbor 7) !?eductive reasoning, what is that1! .ew .eighbor) !#et me give you and e/ample. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.! .eighbor 7) !That is right! .ew .eighbor) !The fact that you have a dog, #eads me to deduce that you have a family.! .eighbor 7) !&ight again! .ew .eighbor) !(ince you have a family I deduce that you have a wife! .eighbor 7) !+orrect! .ew .eighbor) !And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterose/ual! .eighbor 7) !0up! .ew .eighbor) !That is deductive reasoning! .eighbor 7) !+ool! #ater that same day...

.eighbor 7) !2ey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in ne/t door! .eighbor E) !Is he a nice guy1! .eighbor 7) !0es, and he has an interesting ob! .eighbor E) !-h, yeah what does he do1! .eighbor 7) !2e is a professor of deductive reasoning at the ,niversity! .eighbor E) !?eductive reasoning, what is that! .eighbor 7) !#et me give you an e/ample. ?o you have a dog house1! .eighbor E) !.o! .eighbor 7) !=ag.! A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. (he is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. !"ardon me, sir,! she says to the store manager, !but can you e/plain the differences in all these toilet papers1! !Well,! he replies pointing out one brand, !this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's O7.FI per roll.! 2e grabs another and says, !This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's O7.II a roll.! "ointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, !We call that our .o .ame brand, and it's EI cents per roll.! !$ive me the .o .ame,! she says. (he comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, !2ey% I've got a name for your .o .ame toilet paper. I call it 4ohn Wayne.! !Why1! he asks. !Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody%! The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the $I ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. !"rivate,! the officer said, !I'm recommending you for a medal. 0ou risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.! !Warehouses%1! the private shouted. !I thought you said whorehouses%! Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their se/ lives. 3aren said, !I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.! 4oanne giggled and confessed, !I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.! 3athy >uietly sipped her whiskey until 4oanne finally asked, !Well, what do you call your boyfriend1! 3athy frowned and said, !The postman.! !Why the postman1! asked 4oanne. !Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong bo/.! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. !6ary... 6ary...! Awestruck, 6ary responds, !Is that you =red1! !0es, I have come back like we agreed.! !Well, what is it like1! =red e/citedly tells his tale, !Well, when I get up in the morning I have se/, then I have breakfast, then I have se/

again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have se/ twice more, then I have lunch, then I have se/ all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the ne/t day.! (o happy 6ary says, !-h =red, you surely must be in heaven.! =red replies, !2ell no, 6ary, I'm a rabbit in 3ansas.! Bill rents an apartment in +hicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbo/. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment ne/t to the mailbo/es wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's >uite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. "oor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says, !#et's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming...! Bill follows her into the apartment. -nce inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. .ow completely nude, she purrs, !What would you say is my best feature1! The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally s>ueaks out, !-h, your best feature has to be your ears%! (he's astounded% !Why my ears1 #ooks at these breasts% They're full, they don't sag, and they're 7IIV natural% 6y butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite% (o, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature1! +learing his throat once again, Bill stammers, !Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me%! #ori, the pert and pretty .urse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. !?octor, you must help me.! she pleaded. !It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.! !I see.! nodded the psychiatrist. !And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter1! !=or $od's sake, no%! e/claimed the .urse. !I want you to fi/ it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards.! -ne night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. (ince the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest &ed #ight ?istrict. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends O7I for oral se/ and intercourse.

The ne/t morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. (o, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. 2e notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, !2ey, lady, you gave me crabs%! The hooker replies, !2ey, old man, what did you e/pect for O7I1 #obster1! The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. !#ittle 4ohnny, why has your school work been so poor lately1! !I'm in love,! replied #ittle 4ohnny. 2olding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, !With whom1! !With you%! he said. !But #ittle 4ohnny,! said the teacher gently, !don't you see how silly that is1 (ure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child.! !-h, don't worry,! said #ittle 4ohnny reassuringly, !I'll use a rubber%! (even wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design. =irst was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole. (econd was a butcher, >uick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit. Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fo/ fur he lined it without. =ourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. =ifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell. (i/th was a preacher, his name was 6c$ee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee. (eventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a +,.T% A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. -ne day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, ! Who is this1! !This is the maid,! answered the woman. !We don't have a maid! , said the woman. The maid says, !I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, !Well, this is his wife. Is he there1! The maid replied, !he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife.! The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, !#isten, would you like to make OFI,III1! The maid says, !What will I have to do1! The woman tells her, !I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the erk and the witch he's with.! The maid puts the phone down: the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, !What do I do with the bodies1! The woman says, !Throw them in the swimming pool.! "uzzled, the maid answers, !But there's no pool here.! A long pause and the woman says, !Is this FFF5G8E71! In a second grade class, a little girl asks, !Teacher, can my 6ommy get pregnant1!, !2ow old is your mother, dear1! asks the teacher. !=orty.! she replies. !0es, dear, your mother could get pregnant.! The little girl then asks, !+an my big sister get pregnant1! !Well, dear, how old is your sister1! The little girl answers, !.ineteen.! !-h yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.! The little girl then asks, !+an I get pregnant1! !2ow old are you, dear1! The little girl answers, !I'm seven years old.! !.o, dear, you can't get pregnant...! Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, !(ee, I told you we had nothing to worry about.!

$ -=(entually you )ill reach a point )hen you stop lying a+out your age and start +ragging a+out it.; -!he older )e get, the fe)er things seem )orth )aiting in line for.: -Some people try to turn +ack their odometers. 8ot me, I )ant people to kno) 0)hy0 I look this )ay. I0(e tra(eled a long )ay and some of the roads )eren0t pa(ed.6 -3hen you are dissatisfied and )ould like to go +ack to youth, think of Alge+ra.B - @ou kno) you are getting old )hen e(erything either dries up or leaks.< -I don0t kno) ho) I got o(er the hill )ithout getting to the top.H - "ne of the many things no one tells you a+out aging is that it is such a nice change from +eing young.% -"ne must )ait until e(ening to see ho) splendid the day has +een.5 -Being young is +eautiful, +ut +eing old is comforta+le.$7 -Aong ago )hen men cursed and +eat the ground )ith sticks, it )as called )itchcraft. !oday it0s called golf.$$ -If you don0t learn to laugh at trou+le, you )on0t ha(e anything to laugh at )hen you are old.The racing5car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. 2e fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. !What's the matter1%1 ?idn't I satisfy you when we screwed1! he asked. !It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,! said the angry woman. !In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'! !What's wrong with that1! asked the driver. !.othing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open1'! There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. -ne night the daughter came home looking very down. !2ow did you get on tonight ?ear1! asked her mother. !.ot too good,! replied the daughter. !I only got OEI for a blow ob.! !Wow%! said the mother, !In my day we gave a blow ob for FI cents%! !$ood $od%! said the $randmother. !In my day we were ust glad to get something warm in our stomachs%! A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. !I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,! said the woman, !especially with the size difference and all.! !4ust take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,!

said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever e/perienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had clima/ed eight times. !If you think that was good,! said the midget with a smirk, !4ust wait till I get B-T2 legs in there%! A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to >uestion her husband. !I know you've been with a lot of woman before. 2ow many were there1! The husband replied, !#ook, I don't want to upset you, there were many. #et's ust leave it alone.! The wife continued to beg and plead. =inally, the husband gave in. !#et's see.! he said !There was one, two, three, four, five, si/, you, eight, nine...! !That wife of mine is a liar,! said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated ne/t to him in the bar. !2ow do you know1! the friend asked. !(he didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, (hirley.! !(o1! the friend replied. !(o, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister (hirley%! A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. !What are you doing%! insists her mother. !6om, it's my love dress% ?on't you like it1! !I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over,! replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car. A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. !.ow what are you doing1! !6om, it's my love dress% It keeps the marriage spicy%! !I'll give you a few more weeks,! replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car. #ater that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. !2oney, what are hell are you doing%! remarks the husband. !It's my love dress, dear% What do you think of it1! !Well, to be perfectly honest,! replies her husband, !I think you should have ironed it first%! An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, !I have a dead pussy.! The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, !(it with my wife. 0ou two have a lot in common.! In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The =?A has been looking for a generic name for Niagra, and announced today that they have settled on 6yco/afloppin. A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a .ew 0ork +ity restaurant and notices that the three 4apanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. (he says, !What the hell do you guys think you are doing1! -ne of the 4apanese men says, !+an't you see1 We are all berry

hungry.! The waitress says, !(o how is whacking5off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation11! -ne of the other businessmen replies) !The menu say, =I&(T +-6*, =I&(T (*&N*?%! A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, !I'd like 99 condoms please!. With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, !99 +ondoms%1% =uck me%! to which the guy replies, !6ake it 7II then...! 4ohn woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. 2is wife, 2eather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, 4ohn called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read) The Tent "ole Is ,p, The +anvas Is (pread, The 2ell With Breakfast, +ome Back To Bed. 2eather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read) Take The Tent "ole ?own, "ut The +anvas Away, The 6onkey 2ad A 2emorrhage, .o +ircus Today. 4ohn read the note and >uickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read) The Tent "ole's (till ,p, And The +anvas (till (pread, (o ?rop What 0ou're ?oing, And +ome $ive 6e (ome 2ead. 2eather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read) I'm (ure That 0our "ole's The Best In The #and. But I'm Busy &ight .ow, (o ?o It By 2and% A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. !?oc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.! !What's the problem1! the doctor in>uired. !Well, I'm ;F years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. .o matter how hard I try, I ust seem to scare them away.!

!6y friend, this is not a serious problem. 0ou ust need to work on your self5esteem. *ach morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.! The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit e/cited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden e/pression on his face. !?id my advice not work1! asked the doctor. !-h, it worked alright. =or the past several weeks I've en oyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.! !(o, what's your problem1! !I don't have a problem,! the man replied. !6y wife does.! Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had E potatoes in her hands. (he looked at the other woman and said, !these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles!, and the other woman said !are his testicles that big1! , no she commented, !they're that dirty!. A ma or 2ollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions. (o that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue. !0ou were supposed to dress up as an emotion! states the doorman. !We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion.! Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough. The ne/t couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing !(orry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight%!, to which the couple reply, !We are, our red clothes symbolize we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in.! Again, the doorman agrees to let them in. Then along comes a black guy, completely naked with the e/ception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him, !I'm sorry, but I don't think you have been invited to this dinner.! To which the black man responds in a thick 4amaican accent, !Actually I was invited%!,!Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion.! The black guy says, !I am in a costume, I'm deep in despair%! C?eep in this pearD 4on left for a two day business trip to +hicago. 2e was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. 2e turned around and headed back to the house. 2e >uietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. 2e saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. (he looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and s>ueezed her left tit. !#eave only one >uart of milk,! she said. !4on won't be here for breakfast tomorrow.!

This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks, !0ou haven't got aids have you1! 2e replies, !.o.! (he responds, !-h, thank fuck for that% I don't want to get that again%! A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. !Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast1 6aybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee1! 2e declines. !It's this Niagra,! he says, !it's really taken the edge off my appetite.! At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. !A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich1 -r how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk1! Again he declines. !.o, thanks. It's this Niagra,! he says, !It's really taken the edge off my appetite.! At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. !-r would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch1 -r, how about a tasty stir fry1 That'll only take a couple of minutes...1! -nce more, he declines. !Again, thanks, but it's this Niagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite.! !Well, then!, she says, !Would you mind getting off me1 I'm fucking (TA&NI.$%! A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. (he asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. (he wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. -utraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, !I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation%! !?on't worry,! he says, !I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. (he assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.! !Who is the third rose from1! she asked. !-h,! says the doctor, !that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. 2e wanted to thank you for his new ears%! While in the playground with his friend, #ittle 4ohnny noticed that 4immy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. !?id you get that for your birthday1! asked #ittle 4ohnny. !.ope.! replied 4immy. !Well, did you get it for +hristmas then1!. Again 4immy says !.ope.! !0ou didn't steal it, did you1! asks #ittle 4ohnny. !.o,! said 4immy. !I went into 6om and ?ad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. ?ad gave me his watch to get rid of me. #ittle 4ohnny was e/tremely impressed with this idea, and e/tremely ealous of 4immy's new watch. 2e vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. 4ust then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. 2is father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. !What do you want now1! !I wanna watch,! 4ohnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, !=ine. (tand in the corner and watch, but keep >uiet.! ?octor) !0our wife either has Alzheimer's or AI?(.! 2usband) !2ow can we find out which1! ?octor) !I need you to run a little e/periment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home: don't fuck her.!

Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, !Aahhh... A seven5year5old girl.! The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, !.o, no ... ?efinitely an eight5year5old girl%! The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. !An eight5year5old%!, !.o, a seven5year5old%!, !?efinitely an eight5year5old%! .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says) !?efinitely an eight5year5old girl% ......... but not from my parish%! ?uring his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female uices. !But you're balder than I am,! protested the customer. !True,! admitted the barber, !but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache%! The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones ne/t to him, and the rescuers are shocked. 2e says, !0ou can't udge me for this. I had to survive.! The leader of the rescue team says, !But 4esus +hrist, man... your plane only went down yesterday.! Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says) !When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 7II times.! The second mouse orders up two shots of te>uila. 2e grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. 2e turns to the other mice and replies) !0eah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.! The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, !I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.! A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an e/amination, the doctor sighs, !I don't seem to see any problem. ?oes it get better or worse at any time1! !0eah, it's really bad whenever it rains,! she replies. !Well, then,! says the ?oc, !.e/t time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it.!

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. !?octor, it's really bad today. "lease, you have to help me%%! !Well, let's have a look,! he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. !-h, yes, I think I see the problem. .urse, bring me a surgical kit. ?on't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit.! The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. !There you go, ma'am, try that.! (he walks back and forth around the office and e/claims, !That's great, ?oc, what did you do1! !I ust took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots.! If you think life is bad... 2ow would you like to be an egg1 0ou only get laid once. 0ou only get eaten once. It takes G minutes to get hard. -nly E minutes to get soft. 0ou share your bo/ with 77 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. (o cheer up... 0our life ain't that bad% A pirate walks off his ship. 2e has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. 2e sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down ne/t to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg. The pirate replies, !Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off.! The little boy then asks, !2ow did you lose your hand1! !6any years ago, I was fighting the .avy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. 6e doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook.! .e/t, the little girl asks, !2ow did you lose your eye1! !Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and ust as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye.! The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, !2ow did that cause you to lose your eye1! The pirate e/plains, !Well, it was me first day with the hook.! A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. (he told her mother, !Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.! !Then why are you so sad1! her mother asked. !Because he also told me he is an atheist. 6om, he doesn't even believe there's a 2ell.! 2er mother replied, !6arry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.! A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. (he insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. (o off he goes to their farm to ask her father. !I want to marry your daughter!. !Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter.! !I'll do anything for my love! says the young man.

!0ou see that cow out in the pasture1 Well go screw it.! A little puzzled the boy says, !-3, anything for my love! -n his return of doing his deed, he asks, !.ow can I marry your daughter1! !.ope.! says the father, !(ee that goat over yonder1 Well, $o screw it.! Again the boy obliges and returns saying, !.ow can I marry your daughter1! !.ope. .ot yet 55 one more thing. (ee that pig in the sty1 Well go to it.! -nce again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds ust to marry his daughter. (o the father finally tells the boy, !.ow you can marry my daughter.! To which the boy replies, !(+&*W 0-,& ?A,$2T*&, 2-W 6,+2 0-, WA.T =-& T2AT "I$1! A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. 2e watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, !Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb! -ne golfer tells another) !2ey, guess what% I got a set of golf clubs for my wife%! the other replies, !$&*AT trade%! Important "ress &elease) The manufacturers of 30 4elly have announced that their product is now fully 0ear EIII compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as) '0E30 4elly'. (aid a spokesman) !The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two! The Mueen was showing the Archbishop of +anterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. !-h dear,! said the Mueen, !2ow embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.! !It's >uite understandable,! said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, !as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.! A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. =irst, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, !0ou say you've been married EI years, so what seems to be the problem1! The wife replies, !It's my husband 55 he's driving me crazy% I'm going to leave him if he continues%! !2ow does he drive you crazy1! !=or EI years,! she says, !he's been doing these stupid things. =irst, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing.! The marriage counselor is amused, !Anything else1! !2e keeps picking his nose all the time% *ven in public%! !2mm, anything else1! probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, !whenever we're making love, he .*N*& lets me be on top% -nce in a while, I'd like to be in control%! !Ah,! says the counselor, !I think I'll talk to your husband now.! (o the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, !0our wife says that you've been driving her crazy. (he might even leave you.! The husband looks shocked, !W2AT1 =or EI years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants% What could be the problem1!

The counselor e/plains, !(he says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. =irst, you're always acting strange in public55looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.! The husband looks concerned, !-h, you don't understand% It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said.! !What did he say1! !2e said that I should never step on anyone's toes%! The counselor looks amused, !Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.! The husband looks sheepish, !-h. -kay.! The counselor continues, !And you keep picking your nose in public.! !Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do% 2e told me to always keep my nose clean.! The counselor looks faint, !That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.! !-h,! says the husband looking very stupid. !And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.! !This,! says the husband seriously, !is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing.! !What did he say1! The husband replies, !In his dying breath, he said. ?on't screw up.! !he 3orld0s =asiest Oui* #not& Ha(e a pop at )hat immediately appears to +e the )orld0s easiest Eui*. !o pass, you need fi(e correct ans)ers #ans)ers at the +ottom of the page&? $& Ho) long did the Hundred @ears 3ar last/ ;& 3hich country makes Panama hats/ :& 9rom )hich animal do )e get catgut/ 6& In )hich month do Russians cele+rate the "cto+er Re(olution/ B& 3hat is a camel0s hair +rush made of/ <& !he Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after )hat animal/ H& 3hat )as Jing 1eorge GI0s first name/ %& 3hat colour is a purple finch/ 5& 3here are Chinese goose+erries from/ $7& 3hat is the colour of the +lack +o' in a commercial airplane/ Ans)ers +elo)...

And here are the ans)ers? $& C2ow long did the 2undred 0ears War last1D $$< years ;& CWhich country makes "anama hats1D =cuador :& C=rom which animal do we get catgut1D Sheep and Horses 6& CIn which month do &ussians celebrate the -ctober &evolution1D 8o(em+er B& CWhat is a camel's hair brush made of1D SEuirrel fur <& CThe +anary Islands in the "acific are named after what animal1D Dogs H& CWhat was 3ing $eorge NI's first name1D Al+ert %& CWhat colour is a purple finch1D Crimson 5& CWhere are +hinese gooseberries from1D 8e) Pealand $7& CWhat is the colour of the black bo/ in a commercial airplane1D "range, of course A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, !I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you se/ually active1! To which the daughter replies, !.o, I ust lay there.! A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, !2ow about a blow ob1! !What% Are you crazy%! !?on't worry, it will be >uick,! he ensures his girlfriend. !.o% (omeone might see us...! !It's ust a small blow ob,! he insists, !and I know you like it.! !.o% I said no%! !Baby... don't be like that.! (uddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. (he looks at them and smirks, !?ad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for $od's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.! Two weeks ago was my GGth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say !2appy Birthday! and probably have a present for me. (he didn't even say !$ood 6orning!, let alone any !2appy Birthday.! I thought,

!Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. !The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, 4anet said, !$ood 6orning, Boss, 2appy Birthday.! I felt a little better. (omeone had remembered. I worked until noon, then 4anet knocked on my door and said, !0ou know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, ust you and me.! I said, !By $eorge, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. #et's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and en oyed lunch tremendously. -n the way back to the office, she said, !0ou know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we1! I said, !.o, I guess not.! (he said, !#et's go to my apartment.! After arriving at her apartment she said, !Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. (ure,! I e/citedly replied. (he went into the bedroom and, in about si/ minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing 2appy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked. After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the se/ counsellor suggested they vary their position. !=or e/ample,! he suggested, !you might try the wheelbarrow. #ift her legs from behind and off you go.! The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. !Well, okay,! the hesitant wife agreed, !but on two conditions. =irst, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second...! she continued, !you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house.! An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. 2e shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. !+heck this out%! he happily e/claimed. !What do you think we should do with it1! With one eye open, his wife replied, !Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.! A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon >uickie. !?on't worry,! he assures her, !my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk.! As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, !We have to stop% I forgot to bring birth control%! !.o problem,! he replies, !I'll get my wife's diaphragm.! After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. !That witch%! he e/claims. !(he took it with her% I always knew she didn't trust me%! I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homose/ual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced !The +aptain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could ust put up your trays,

that would be great.! I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting ne/t to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her) !6a'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane.! (he still wouldn't comply. .ow he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. (he then calmly turned to him and said) !In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one.! The flight attendant replied, !-h yeah1 Well in 60 country, I'm called a >ueen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up%! When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. -nce the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, !0ou know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.! &eplied the widow, !0es, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.! 0our honour, I am <F years old. (o here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. 2e starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, 0our 2onour. (o I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, 0our 2onour. Why, 0our 2onour, I haven't felt that good in years% (o I ust spread my old legs and say to him, !Take me, young man, Take me%! That's when he yelled, !April =ool! and that's when I shot the =ucking (on of a Bitch%% A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. =inally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor e/amines him and says !I've found your problem. 0our penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter.! (o he asks, !What's he cure, doc1! The doctor replies, !Well, we have to cut off si/ inches.! The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the P inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. 2e insists that the doctor do another operation to add the si/ inches back on. There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats, !2ey doc, didn't you hear me1 I want my si/ inches back%! =inally, the doctor responds, !=5f5f5f5f5f5u5c5k y5y5y5y5ou% A woman came home ust in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. (he then secured it tightly and removed the handle. .e/t she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, !(top% (top% 0ou're not going to......to....cut it off are

you1%! The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, !.ope. 0ou are. I'm going to set the garage on fire.! An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, !I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.! The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, !I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity.! The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, !I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine.! This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, !Was it something I said, where are you going1! The old man looked at her and replied, !I'm going in the other room to get my teeth%! A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. !What are you doing1! (he e/claimed. The daughter replied, !I'm ;F and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.! #ater that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. !What are you doing1! 2e e/claimed. The daughter replied, !I'm ;F and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.! A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. ,pon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. !What are you doing1! (he asked. 2e replied, !Watching the game with my son5in5law.! A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. !0ou'll get your chance in court,! said the desk sergeant. !.o, no, no%! insisted the man. !I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years%! A lady went to her doctor for a check5up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she e/plained that she got them from having se/. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. (he replied !-h doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is awful%! -ne day $od and Adam were walking the garden. $od told Adam that it was time to populate the *arth. !Adam, you can start by kissing *ve.! Adam looks puzzled at $od, !#ord, what is a kiss1!. $od e/plained, and then Adam took *ve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, !#ord% That was great% What's ne/t1! !Adam, I now want

you to caress *ve.! "uzzled again he asks, !#ord, what is caress1! $od e/plained, and then Adam took *ve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, !#ord that was even better than a kiss% What's ne/t1! !2ere is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to *ve.! "uzzled yet again, !#ord, what is make love1! asked Adam. $od e/plained, and then Adam took *ve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, !#ord, what is a headache1. There was a little boy who had ust learned to count on his fingers. -ne day his uncle came to visit and the boy was an/ious to show off his newly ac>uired skill. 2e told the uncle to ask him and addition >uestion. (o they uncle asked, !What is three plus four1! The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, !(even.! The uncle said, !#isten kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. .ow put your hands in your pockets.! (o the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, !What is five plus five1! The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, !*leven.! A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. (he then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said !this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it1! The pharmacist said !4ust a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.! When she returned, she said, !the best we can do is 7T; ownership in the store and O;III a month in living e/penses. ?uring a wild party at a #ong Island country house, &o/anne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. $etting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. &o/anne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. $roggily, she raised her head and said, !-ne at a time boys, one at a time.! -ne day an 8F5year5old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.... !I remember helping build that bridge when I was EF. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. .o, no, they don't%! !I remember building that house over there when I was ;I. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. .o, no they don't%! !I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was ;F. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't%! !But if you fuck one goat.......!

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. *ach monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. (he proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. *mbarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring...... A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. (ince he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. (o, he asks the man his name.! =red! he replies. !=red what1! the officer asks. !4ust =red! the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. !Tell me =red, how did you lose your last name1! The man replies... !It's a long story so stay with me. I was born =red ?ingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. (o I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was =red ?ingaling, 6?. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. ?entistry was my dream. $ot all the way through school, got my degree so I was now =red ?ingaling 6? ??(. $ot bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. (he gave me N?. (o, I was =red ?ingaling 6? ??( with N?. Well, the A?A found out about the N? so they took away my ??( so I was =red ?ingaling 6? with N?. Then the A6A found out about the A?A taking away my ??( because of the N?, so they took away my 6? leaving me as =red ?ingaling with N?. Then the N? took away my dingaling so now I'm ust =red.! The officer let him go without even a warning. )5D .ina and #iz are having a conversation during there lunch break. .ina asks, !(o, #iz, how's your se/ life these days1! #iz replies, !-h, you know. It's the usual, (ocial (ecurity kind.! !(ocial (ecurity1! .ina asked >uizzically. !0eah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on.! Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says !6y 2usband works as a marriage counselor. 2e always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.! The second woman says, !6y husband is a motorcycle mechanic. 2e likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.! The third woman ust shakes her head and says, !6y husband works for 6icrosoft. 2e ust sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.! A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening: she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal 2usbandry. 2e looked up from the page and said to her, !?id you know

that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm1! (he looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, !-h, yeah1 "rove it.! 2e frowned for a moment, then said, !-kay.! 2e got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, !Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always s>uealing, how can I tell1! It was the stir of the town when an 8I5year5old man married a EI5year5old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. !This is amazing. 2ow do you do it at your age1! 2e answered, !0ou've got to keep that old motor running.! The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, !0ou really are amazing. 2ow do you do it1! 2e again said, !0ou've got to keep the old motor running.! The same thing happened the ne/t year. The nurse said, !0ou must be >uite a man.! 2e responded, !0ou've got to keep that old motor running.! The nurse then said, !Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black.! A nurse from *ngland was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was >uickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and ust above it there was a tattoo which read, !3eep off the grass.! After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, !(orry, had to mow the lawn.! A young man went up to his father and asked him, !+an I have twenty bucks for a blow ob1! 2is father said, !I don't know. Are you any good1! A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. 2e rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. !What's up1! he asks. !I'm having a heart attack,! cries the woman. 2e rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but ust as he's dialing, his G5year5old son comes up and says, !?addy% ?addy% ,ncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on%! The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. (ure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. !0ou bastard%%%! says the husband. !6y wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids1! A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, !I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket1! The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, ! I have a better idea, ust for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married%! The man says happily, !-3%! AW*(-6*%! The woman says, !$--? .... $et your own fucking blanket%%%

An 8I5year old man was having his annual check5up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. !I've never been better%! he boasted. !I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child% What do you think about that1! The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, !#et me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. 2e never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.! The doctor continued, !(o he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him% 2e raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and s>ueezed the handle. And do you know what happened1! the doctor >ueried. ?umbfounded, the old man replied, !.o.! The doctor continued, !The bear dropped dead in front of him%! !That's impossible%! e/claimed the old man. !(omeone else must have shot that bear.! !That's kind of what I'm getting at,! replied the doctor. A man goes to a doctor and says ! What shall I do1 I've ust been raped by an elephant%! The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. !That's funny%! 2e says ! your asshole is 7I inches wide% I thought elephants only had thin long dicks1! The man says ! 0eah but he fingered me first%! Rich Aittle "ld Aady... A little old lady )ent into the Bank of America one day carrying a +ag of money. She insists that she must speak )ith the President of the +ank to open a sa(ings account +ecause it0s a lot of money. !hey finally get her into the president0s office and he asks her ho) much she )ould like to deposit. She says she has 4$<B,777 and then dumps it out of the +ag onto his desk. !he president )as surprised and of course curious as to ho) she came +y all this cash, so he asks her. !he old lady says, -I make +ets.!he president replies, -Bets/ 3hat kind of +ets/- and she says, -9or e'ample, I0ll +et you 4;B,777 that your +alls are sEuare.-Ha.- says the president, -!hat0s a stupid +et, you can ne(er )in that kind of +et.!he old lady says, -So, )ould you like to take my +et/-Sure,- says the president, -I0ll +et 4;B,777 that my +alls are not sEuare.!he little old lady says, -"J, +ut since there is a lot of money in(ol(ed is it "J )ith you if I +ring my la)yer )ith me tomorro) at $7?77 AM to )itness/-Sure,- says the president.

!hat night the president got (ery ner(ous a+out the +et and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his +alls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he )as sure that there is no )ay his +alls are sEuare and that he )ill )in the +et. !he ne't morning at $7 AM the little old lady appears )ith her la)yer at the president0s office. She introduces the la)yer to the president and repeats the +et, that 4;B,777 says the president0s +alls are sEuare. !he president agrees )ith the +et again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. !he president does this. !he little old lady looks closely at his +alls and then asks if she can feel them. -3ell, "J- says the president, -4;B,777 is a lot of money, so I guess you should +e a+solutely sure.!hen he notices that the la)yer is Euietly +anging his head against the )all and he asks the old lady, -3hat is )rong )ith your la)yer/She replies, -8othing, e'cept I +et him 4$77,777 that +y $7 AM today I0d ha(e !he Bank of America0s president0s +alls in my hands.Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell !naughty! stories during class, a group of female students decided that the ne/t time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme ust before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. !They say there is >uite a shortage of prostitutes in =rance.! The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. !0oung ladies,! said the professor with a broad smile, !the ne/t plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon.! Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, !"ay me or I'll rip out the partition.! =inally the madam offered to pay him in trade. !Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her.! !I'll take you.! !6e1 I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks.! !I want you.! (o he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. !What are you doing1! she asked. !I told you before. "ay me or I'll rip out the partition.!

A wife says to her friend, !-ur se/ life stinks.! 2er friend says, !?o you ever watch your husband's face when you're having se/1! (he says, !-nce, and I saw rage.! 2er friend says, !Why would he be angry during se/1! The wife says, !Because he was looking through the window at us.! 4ack and 4ill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. (o 4ill asked 4ack to go with her. 4ack said, !.o, you're my sister, that's gross.! 4ill said, !+ome on. "romise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me.! (o 4ack said okay. Well, 4ack couldn't find a date so he went with 4ill. They were ust standing by the punch bowl, and 4ill asked 4ack to dance. 4ack said, !.o, you're my sister, that's gross.! 4ill said, !+ome on. It'll be fun.! (o 4ack said okay, and they had a great time. After the dance, 4ill asked 4ack to take her to 6akeout 2ill. 4ack said, !.o, you're my sister, It would be gross.! 4ill said, !We'll ust talk, we don't talk anymore.! (o 4ack said okay. They were at 6akeout 2ill talking, when 4ill moved to the backseat. 4ill said, !+ome on, 4ack, take me.! 4ack didn't argue. When 4ack moved on top of 4ill, 4ill murmured, !0ou're a lot lighter than dad.! 4ack said back, !I know. 6om told me last night.! A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, !&elatives of yours1! !0ep,! the husband replied. !In5laws.! *very night after dinner, 2arry took off for the local watering hole. 2e would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. 2e usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, 2arry still continued his nightly routine. -ne day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, !Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home1 Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss1 Then, he might change his ways.! The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, 2arry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. 2is wife heard him at the door. (he >uickly opened it and let 2arry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. (he sat 2arry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to 2arry, !It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think1! 2arry replied in his inebriated state, !2eck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway%!

The ?ean of Women at an e/clusive girls' school was lecturing her students on se/ual morality. !We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,! she said, !ask yourself ust one >uestion) Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame1! A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, !*/cuse me, but how do you make it last an hour1! This guy visits the doctors and says, !?oc, I think I've got a se/ problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.! The doctor says, !+ome back tomorrow and bring her with you.! The ne/t day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, !Take off your clothes and lie on the table.! (he does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. 2e pulls the guy to the side and says, !0ou're fine. (he doesn't give me a hard5on, either.! A man is at work one day when he notices that his co5worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co5worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co5worker and says, !I didn't know you were into earrings.! !?on't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,! he replies sheepishly. !Well, I'm curious,! begged the man, !how long have you been wearing an earring1! !*r, ever since my wife found it in our bed.! These two guys had ust gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, !$ive us enough supplies to last two men for one year.! The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys asked !What's that board for1! The trader said, !Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this.! They said, !.o way% We've sworn off women for life%! The trader said, !Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money ne/t year. !-kay,! they said and left. The ne/t year this guy came into the trader's store and said !$ive me enough supplies to last one man for one year.! The trader said !Weren't you in here last year with a partner1! !0eah! said the guy. !Where is he1! asked the trader. !I killed him! said the guy. (hocked, the trader asks !Why1! To which the guy replies, !I caught him in bed with my board%! A man was complaining to a friend, !I had it all 5 money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof% It was all gone%! !What happened1! asked the friend. !6y wife found out...!

#ittle 4ohnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. 4ohnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. #ittle 4ohnny asked curiously !What ya doin dad1! 2is father >uickly replied, !I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which #ittle 4ohnny replied !What ya gonna do, fuck him1! A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. (he was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. (he seemed to be en oying it, but suddenly ob ected, !-uch% That ring is hurting me%! !That's no ring... That's my watch%! Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. =irst (oldier) Why did you oin the army1 (econd (oldier) I didn't have a wife and I loved war. (o I oined. 2ow about you1 Why did you oin the army1 =irst (oldier) I had a wife and I loved peace. (o I oined. Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says, !6y hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off.! The second guy says, !6y hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast.! The third guy says, !6y hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out.! A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of .urses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. !Why all the attention 1! the friend asked. !0ou look fine to me.! !I know %! grinned the patient. !But the .urses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision re>uired twenty5seven stitches.! A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical e/ams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. !The good news,! he e/plained, !is that your fiancJKLe has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.! The guy paled. !If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news1! !Well,! the doctor elaborated, !the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain ust last week from my dog's vet.! A five5year5old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. !Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son1! he asked. !That's nothing,! the kid said after taking a swig of beer. !I got laid when I was three.! !What1 2ow did that happen1! !I don't remember. I was drunk.!

4ack was returning to work 6onday morning with two black eyes. 2is workmates were understandably curious) !4ack, what happened to you1%1! !It was the darndest thing% I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. 0ou know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady1 It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I ust reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. .e/t thing I know, she spins around and socks me one%! !4eez, you got TW- black eyes in one blow1! !.aw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in...! !And will there be anything else, sir1! the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. !.o thank you.! the gentleman replied. !That will be all.! As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. !Anything for your wife 1! he asked. !0eah % That's a good idea.! the fellow said. !"lease bring up a postcard.! A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more e/perienced with the opposite se/. When the bashful boy broke down and e/plained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. !4ust take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course,! he e/plained. !This girl really knows how to go from there.! The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. -n the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out) !$od, I sure would like to have a little pussy.! !I would, too,! the girl sighed. !6ine's the size of a bucket%! Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to go to the doctors, the other man says !?on't waste any money on the doctors, ust go inside the store at the corner down the street, put O7I in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have!. (o he goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says !0ou have tennis elbow take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow ;5G times a daily!. (o goes home wondering how it know what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and acks5off in the cup goes back to the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the machine. The paper comes out and says !0our sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep acking5off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow. -ne day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a E level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having se/ with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hayshed. 2e decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, !=ather, father up above. $ive me strength for one last shove.! (o the father, being smart, replied, !(on, son down below. $et off and give your father a go.!

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, !I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob ob.! The second woman says !-h that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached%! To which the first replies, !Whoa I ust can't picture your husband as a blonde%! When &alph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. &alph became >uite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial e/amination, the physician e/plained to the couple that, though rare, &alph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. !2ow long will &alph be on crutches1! the wife asked an/iously. !+rutches1 Why would he need crutches1! responded the surprised doctor. !Well,! said the wife, !you are planning to lengthen &alph's legs, aren't you1! A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of -lympic condoms. +learly impressed, he buys a pack. ,pon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he ust made. !-lympic condoms1!, she blurts, !What makes them so special1! !There is three colours!, he replies, !$old, (ilver and Bronze.! !What colour are you going to wear tonight1!, she asks cheekily. !$old of course!, says the man proudly. The wife responds really, !Why don't you wear (ilver, it would be nice if you came second for a change%!. A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. ?espite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and in>uires, !Are you looking at my pussy1! !0es, I'm sorry,! replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. !It's >uite alright,! replies the woman, !It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.! (ure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, in>uires what else the wonder pussy can do. !I can also make it wink,! says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. !+ome and sit ne/t to me,! suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, !Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in1! (tunned, the man replies, !$ood grief% +an it whistle too1%! A guy who married this woman. ,nfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had se/ he used a pickle instead of his dick. =or seven year's he has been doing that. -ne night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having se/ she >uickly threw the cover and turned on the lights% (o the woman said, !What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit.! (o the man said, !(hut the fuck up% It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from%!

-ne dismal rainy night, a ta/i driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. *ven before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. +hecking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. !Where to1! he stammered. !,nion (tation,! answered the woman. !0ou got it,! he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, !4ust what the hell are you looking at, driver1! The driver replies, !Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was ust wondering how you'll pay your fare.! The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, !?oes this answer your >uestion1! (till looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, !$ot anything smaller1! A newly married sailor was informed by the .avy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the "acific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. !6y love,! he wrote, !we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. ?o you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted1! (o his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, !why don't you learn to play this1! *ventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. !?arling! he said, !I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love%! (he kissed him and said, !=irst let's see you play that harmonica.! A doctor walked into a bank. "reparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. &ealizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, !Well that's great, ust great... some asshole's got my pen.! After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. !It's only natural for young boys and girls to e/plore their se/uality by playing doctor at their age.! the neighbor said. !(e/uality my ass%! The mother yelled. !2e took out her appendi/%! A gay guy walks into the doctors office. 2e takes off his clothes for e/amination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a .icoderm patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says... !2mmm, that's interesting...?oes it work1! The man answers.. !(ure does... I haven't had a butt in ; weeks%! A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. (he grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. (he hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. (uddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. (he blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, !I'm 6other .ature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups.

=rom now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. *ach time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.! The mystery woman then disappears as >uickly as she appeared. (haken, the wife calls out to her husband !2ey, where's your ball1! !It's over here in the pussy willows.! The wife screams back, !?-.'T 2IT T2* BA##%%%% ?-.'T 2IT T2* BA##%%%%! A man left work one =riday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When 2e finally appeared at home, (unday .ight, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. =inally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. !2ow would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days1! To which he replied. !That would be fine with me.! 6onday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. +ome Thursday, the swelling went down ust enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich >uick. (o she proceeded to find herself a rich <; year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half5 century age difference. -n the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on e/cept a rubber to cover his 7E inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. =earing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, !What are those for1! The old man replied, !There are ust two things I can't stand) the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber%! A 7P5year5old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. (ince she was very good5 looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. 2er mom said, !It's very easy% Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby1' That'll scare them off.! (o off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. (he asked him, !What will our baby be called1! The boy found some e/cuse and disappeared. (ome time later, the same thing happened again) a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... (he stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. #ater on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, !What will our baby be called1! 2e continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. !What will our baby be called1! she asked once more. 2e began to have se/ with her. !What will our baby be called1%! she asked again. After he was done, he took off his !full! condom, gave it a knot, and said, !If he gets out of this one... ?avid +opperfield% In the days before birth control pills, a young bride5to5be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. 2e suggested she try withdraw, douches or condoms. (everal years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run

across her old doctor. !I see you decided not to take my advice,! he said, eyeing the young children. !-n the contrary, doc,! she e/claimed, !?avey here was a pullout, ?arcy was a washout, and ?elores was a blowout%! Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. -ne sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. !That's nice, isn't it1! (haron said waving her arm under her friend's nose. !0eah. What's it called1! !Niens a moi.! !Niens a moi1 What's that mean1! A clerk offered some help. !Niens a moi, ladies, is =rench for 'come to me.'! (haron took another sniff. !That doesn't smell like come to me,! she said, offering her arm to her friend again. !?oes that smell like come to you1! Whilst en oying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to oin her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair ump into a ta/i and go back to her place. #ater, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his eans and searches for his lighter. ,nable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. !There might be some matches in the top drawer,! she replies. -pening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a bo/ of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. .aturally, the guy begins to worry. !Is this your husband1! he in>uires nervously. !.o, silly,! she replies, snuggling up to him. !0our boyfriend then1! !.o, don't be silly,! she says, nibbling away at his ear. !Well, who is he then1! demands the bewildered fellow. +almly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, !That's me before the operation.! A large, powerfully5built guy named &aymond meets a woman named "olly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, &aymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, &aymond fle/es his muscular arms and says, !(ee that, baby1 That's 7III pounds of dynamite%! "olly begins to drool. &aymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, !(ee those, baby1 That's 7III pounds of dynamite%! "olly is ust aching for action at this point. =inally, &aymond drops his underpants, and after a >uick glance, "olly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. &aymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, !Why are you in such a hurry to go1! "olly then replies, !With EIII pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow%! 6orris wakes up in the morning. 2e has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. 2e picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. 2e notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. 2e thinks !bloody hell what happened last night11!. 2e walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks !what happened last night, what have I done1 6ust have been a wild party!. 2e opens the

bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. 2e notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is !"lease, if there's a $od, please let this be a teabag.! A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in (audi a few months ago. (o she sends him this care package. 2e is e/cited to get a package from his wife back home. 2e finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a N2( tape of his favorite TN shows. 2e invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of (outh "ark. &ight in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mi/ing bowl of cookie dough. (he then looks at the camera and says, !By the way, I want a divorce.! A young woman was having a physical e/amination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. !I'm so ashamed, ?octor,! she said, !I guess I let myself go.! The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. !?on't feel ashamed, 6iss. 0ou don't look that bad.! !?o you really think so, ?octor1! she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, !-f course. .ow ust open your mouth and say moo.! These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, !?id you notice how small the rich kid's penises were1! !0eah,! says his mate, !It's probably because they've got toys to play with.! These three lads are drinking in a pub when this bloke comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while the bloke goes up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, !I've shagged your 6um.! The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, !0our 6um has sucked my penis.! The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar. After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts, !I've had your 6um up the arse.! By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, !#ook, ?ad, you're pissed. .ow fuck off home.! "olice officers $eorge and 6ary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when 6ary said, !?amn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties% We have to go back to the station to get them.! $eorge replied, !We don't have to go back, ust give the 359 unit, =ido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.! It was a hot day and 6ary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. =ido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 7I seconds of sniffing, =ido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. =ive minutes go

by and no sign of =ido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. =ifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry. Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. (uddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, =ido rounds the corner with the ?esk (ergeant's balls in his mouth. Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into .ew 0ork. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long: the (tatue of #iberty, the *mpire (tate Building, the &ockettes, and others. *ventually, they make their way to +oney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads) !2-T ?-$(,! with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. (o they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to en oy another piece of Americana. The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. 2e then turns to his brother and says, !What part of the dog did you get1! (eems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for 2IN. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, !Well, we heard on TN that people should be tested after annual se/%! A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. (he's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. 2e has a BA? case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog umps up on the couch ne/t to him. 2e decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. 2e farts, and the woman yells, !(pot, get down from there.! The guy thinks, !$reat, they think the dog did it.! 2e releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. =inally the woman yells, !?ammit (pot, get down before he shits on you.! Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, !6y wife (uzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man%! !What makes you say that1! the bartender in>uired. !#ast week,! Bill e/plained, !I had to take a couple of sick days from work. (uzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, Z6y old man's home% 6y old man's home%'! A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. -n his way he saw a bloke having se/ with a sheep. ?eeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight (cotch. 4ust as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. !=or fuck's sake%! the bloke cried, !what the hell's going on here1 I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar%!

!=air dinkum, mate,! the bartender told him, !you can't e/pect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep! -ld 6endel &ugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. !2ow can I get human milk1! 6endel asked the doctor. !Well, &uby =inkelstein's ust had a baby, maybe she'll help.! (o every day 6endel went to &uby's house for his daily feed. &uby was a dark5eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as 6endel lapped at her ripe breasts. -ne day as he >uietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, ! Tell me 6r. &ugelbaum, do you like it1! !6mmm, wonderful,! he sighed. !is there....,! she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, !is there anything else you'd like1! !As a matter of fact there is,! murmured 6endel. !What1! &uby asked breathlessly. 6endel licked his lips. !6aybe a little biscuit1! A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. 2e in>uired for the address of a good house of ill repute. 2e was told to go to EEF West GEnd (t. By mistake, he went to EFF West GEnd (t, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. (he directed him to an e/amining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. 2e loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. =inally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. !6y goodness!, she e/claimed, !I was e/pecting to see a foot.! !Well,! he said, !if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere.! A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, !6y feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please1! The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and >uick thinking kind, he says) !2i, ladies% 0our daddy sent me here to have se/ with you%! They stare at him and say, !That can't be%! 2e replies, !-3, let's check%! 2e shouts at his friend down the stairs, !Both of them1! !0es, both of them%! A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be (iamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. 2e makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. 2e realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. (he says, !Is that a trombone in the corner1 I'd love to play your trombone.! (o she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. -ne of the girls says, !#et's stop up and see that guy.! The other girl says, !$ee...do you think he'd remember us1! A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, !Is it true what &ita ust told me1 That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies1! !0es, dear,! replies her mother, pleased that the sub ect had finally come up and she wouldn't have to e/plain it. !But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out1

6en's 6astercard +ommercial +over +harge O7F.II &ound of ?rinks OE;.II Table ?ance5 O;I.II Another round of drinks OE;.II +ouch dance and tips OFI.II A round of shots O;G.II "rivate dance in your hotel room O;II.II Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain) UUU"&I+*#*((UUUU A young girl was having a heart5to5heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. !6um, I have to tell you,! the girl confessed. !I lost my virginity last weekend.! !I'm not surprised,! said her mother. !It was bound to happen sooner or later. I ust hope it was a romantic and pleasurable e/perience.! !Well, yes and no,! the pretty student remarked. !The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore.! 4ane was a first time contestant on the OPF,III >uiz show, where you have to answer >uestions to win the cash prize. #ady luck had smiled in her favor, as 4ane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. (he even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big >uestion. .eedless to say, 4ane agreed to return the following day. 4ane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. !I've ust gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. 0ou know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.! !&ela/, honey,! her husband, &oger, reassured her. !It will all be -3.! Ten minutes after they arrived home, &oger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. !Where are you going1! 4ane asked. !I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon! he replied. 4ane waited impatiently for &oger's return. After an agonizing ; hour absence, &oger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. !2oney, I managed to get tomorrow's >uestion and answer%! !What is it1! she cried e/citedly. !-3. The >uestion is) 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy1' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' ! (hortly after that, the couple went to sleep with 4ane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At ;);I in the morning, however, 4ane was shaken awake by &oger, who was asking her the >uiz show >uestion. !The head, the heart, and the penis,! 4ane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And &oger asked her again in the morning, this time as 4ane was brushing her teeth. -nce again, 4ane replied correctly. (o it was that 4ane was once again on the set of the >uiz show. *ven though she knew the >uestion and answer, she could feel the butterflies con>uering her stomach and nervousness running

through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced 4ane and asked the big >uestion. !4ane, for OPF,III, what are the main parts of the male anatomy1 0ou have 7I seconds.! !2mm, uhm, the head1! she said nervously. !Nery good. (i/ seconds.! !*h, uh, the heart1! !Nery good% =our seconds.! !I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn% 6y husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning...! !That's close enough,! said the game show host, !+-.$&AT,#ATI-.(%%%! Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. 2e asks, !#adies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out1! The first replies, !I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night.! The second one replies, !I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night.! The third one turns around and says, !If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night%! There's a few guys who always get together on =ridays after work for a drink... -ne =riday, 4eff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, !Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, ust today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it!... At which point Bob put his hand on 4eff's shoulder and said reassuringly, !0ou think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together! A man was driving down a >uiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack% The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. (haken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, !I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.! !(uit yourself,! the farmer replied, !the hens are round the back.! A guy went out hunting. 2e had all the gear, the acket, the boots and the double5barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. -bviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous ob repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. !This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him.! The guy says !Is your brother a doctor1! !.o,! ?oc replies, !he plays the flute. 2e'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.!

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, !2ow many women can a man marry1! !(i/teen.! the boy responded. 2is cousin was amazed that he answered so >uickly. !2ow do you know that1! !*asy,! the little boy said, !all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said) '=our better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'.! A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. (o he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later >uestion each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. !(he slept with nearly every man on the ship,! his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same >uestions about his wife. !(he was a real lady,! his mistress said. !2ow so1! the encouraged man asked. !(he came on board with her husband and never left his side.! A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, !What's the big idea coming home half drunk1! The man replies, !I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money.! A well5stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. 2er young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. "ointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, !Is that for sale1! !-f course not%! she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. ,nchanged, he replied >uietly, !Then, I suggest you >uit advertising it.! A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune5teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. !Ah.....! said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. !I see you are the father of two children.! !That's what you think,! said the man scornfully. !I'm the father of T2&** children.!JKL The woman grinned and said, !That's what 0-, think%! A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive (wedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting se/ually e/cited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the (wedish girl arched her eyebrows. !0ou wanna wank1! she asked. !0ou bet,! came the e/cited reply. !-.3.,! she said. !I come back in ten minutes.! This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, !(ay, wanna have a good time1! as he looked him up and down seductively. !(ure,! he says and they are off to the nearest motel. (he takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. (he says, !Is this the first pussy you seen since you

crawled out of one1! The guy says, !.ope, ust the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into.! A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 7Eyr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, !*/cuse me son but is your mom or dad in1! To which the boy replies, !?oes it fucking look like it1! A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is ;IIV impotent. The doctor says, !I'm not sure I understand what you mean.! (he says, !Well, the first 7IIV you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger%! ?id you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, !I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday 5 she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.! 2is buddy said, !I have an idea 5 why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have PI minutes of great se/, any way she wants it 5 she'll probably be thrilled.! (o the fellow did. The ne/t day his buddy said, !Well1 ?id you take my suggestion1! !0es, I did,! said the fellow. !?id she like it1! 2is buddy asked. !-h yes% she umped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling !I'll be back in an hour%%! There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have se/. (o they put him in a room for a year with over EII girls to have se/ with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. (o they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. (o they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year. A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had se/. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. 2e said, ! I forgot my lighter%! A mother and her son were flying (outhwest Airlines from -akland to 3ansas +ity. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, !If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes1 The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. (o, the little boy asked the flight attendant, !If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes1! The flight attendant asked, !?id your mother tell you to ask me that1! 2e said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, !Tell your mother it's because (outhwest Airlines always pulls out on time.!

There were ; gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. -n their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partners ashes. The first gay guy says, !I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim%! The second gay guy says, !I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb.! And then the third gay guy says, !I want to spread him all over my chili, and the guy who worked at the morgue asked, !W201! and he said,! (o he can tear my ass up one more time.! In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat ne/t to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot s>uawks, !And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch.! The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, !And get me another whisky you slut.! Nisibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. ,naccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, !I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I e/pect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours%! .e/t thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency e/it by E burly stewards. "lunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, !=or someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... ! Two homose/ual guys were walking down the road when one looked at the other and said !0ou see that guy across the road1! !Wow, he's cute%%%! the other said. !Well, I had se/ with that guy a couple of years back.! !.o shit111! the other asked. !.ot much...! replied the first. -ne day 4ohnny was sitting in class and had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand to ask the teachers permission. The teacher told 4ohnny if he could say the alphabet he could go to the bathroom. 4ohnny stumbled through it and got it all wrong and had to hold it. (o 4ohnny studied and studied and felt as though he knew the alphabet perfectly. The ne/t day when 4ohnny had to use the bathroom he rose his hand to ask the teacher could he go. The teacher said if you can say the alphabet I'll let you go. (o 4ohnny started to say the alphabet AB+?*=$2I43#6.-M&(T,NWH0X. The teacher then asked 4ohnny well where's the ", and 4ohnny responded it's running down my leg. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. 2e said, !0our husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.! !*ach morning, fi/ him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. =or lunch make him a nutritious meal. =or dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. ?on't burden him with chores. ?on't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. .o nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the ne/t 7I months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.! -n the way home, the husband asked his wife. !What did the doctor say1! JKL2e said you're going to die,! she replied.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Pth grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. (uddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. (he >uickly turned and asked, !What's so funny, "at1! !I ust saw one of your garters%! !$et out of my classroom,! she yells, !I don't want to see you for three days%! The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. &ealizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. (uddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. (he >uickly turns and asks, !What's so funny, Billy1! !I ust saw both of your garters%! Again, she yells, !$et out of my classroom% This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks%! *mbarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. (o she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. (he >uickly turns to see #ittle 4ohnny leaving the classroom. !Where do you think you're going1! she asks. !=rom what I ust saw, my school days are over%! A woman came up behind her husband while he was en oying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. !I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name '6arylou' written on it,! she said, furious. !0ou had better have an e/planation.! !+alm down, honey,! the man replied. !&emember last week when I was at the dog track1 That was the name of the dog I bet on. !The ne/t morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.! What was that for1! he complained. !0our dog called last night.! -ne day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three #ittle "igs to her class. (he came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. (he read, !...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, !"ardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house1! The teacher paused then asked the class, !And what do you think that man said1! -ne little boy raised his hand and said, !I think he said '2oly (hit% A talking pig%'! The teacher was unable to teach for the ne/t 7I minutes. A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any se/ in >uite some time. (he was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical e/pertise of a se/ therapist. 2er doctor recommended that she see a well5known +hinese se/ therapist, ?r.+hang, so she went to see him. ,pon entering the e/amination room, ?r. +hang said, !-3, take off all you crose.! The woman did as she was told. !.ow, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.! Again, the woman did as she was instructed. ?r.+hang then said, !-3,now craw reery, reery fass back to me.! (o she did. ?r. +hang shook his head slowly and said, !0our probrem vewy bad. 0ou haf *d Xachary ?isease. Worse case I ever see. ?at why you not haf se/ or dates.! Worried, the woman asked an/iously, !-h my $od, ?r. +hang, what is *d Xachary ?isease1! ?r. +hang looked the woman in the eye and replied, !*d Xachary ?isease is when your face rook *d Xachary rike your ass.!

-n hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, 4enny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma e/plained, not holding back anything of course, !2e had a heart attack during se/, (unday morning%! 2orrified, 4enny suggested that screwing at the age of 9G was surely asking for trouble% !-h no,! her grandma replied. !We had se/ every (unday morning in time with the church bells%! !In with the dings, out with the dongs%! (he paused to wipe away a tear, !If it wasn't for that damn Ice +ream Truck, he'd still be alive%%%! A hippy walks into a Bar and $rill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything. (o the 2ippy says '0eah a cheeseburger. .ot too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.' (o the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. 2e says 'A cup of tea. .ot too hot, not too cold, but right in the $roove.' The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table. #ittle while later the waiter comes back and asks the 2ippy if he wants any dessert. 2e says '0eah some ice cream. .ot too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the $roove.' (o the waiter says 'Why don't you kiss my ass. .ot the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the $roove%' The 6adam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. !+an I help you1! the madam asked. !I want .atalie,! the old man replied. !(ir, .atalie is one of our most e/pensive ladies, perhaps someone else...! !.o, I must see .atalie.! 4ust then .atalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges O7,III per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten O7II bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.. The ne/t night he appeared again demanding to see .atalie. .atalie e/plained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still O7,III a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed .atalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour .atalie >uestioned the old man) !.o one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from1! The old man replied, !I'm from "hiladelphia.! !&eally1! replied .atalie. !I have family who lives there.! !0es, I know,! said the old man. !0our father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. (he asked me to give this O;,III to you.! C(ome things in life are certain) ta/es, death and being screwed by an attorney.D A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated) !This bull mated FI times last year.! The wife turns to her husband and says, !2e mated FI times in a year, you could learn from him.! They proceed to the ne/t bull and his sign stated) !This bull mated PF times last year.! The wife turns to her husband and says, !This one mated PF times last year. That is over F times a month. 0ou can learn from this one, also.! They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said) !This bull mated ;PF times

last year.! The wife's mouth drops open and says, !W-W% 2e mated ;PF times last year. That is -.+* A ?A0%%% 0ou could really learn from this one.! The man turns to his wife and says, !$o up and in>uire if it was ;PF times with the same cow.! Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning. The couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. !2oney,! says he to his new bride, !I'll be right back...! !Where are you going, +oochy +oo1! asks the wife. !I'm going to the bar, "retty =ace. I'm going to have a beer.! !0ou want a beer, 6y #ove1! (he opens the refrigerator door shows him EF different brands of beer from 7E different countries) $ermany, 2olland, 4apan, India, including si/ places he's never even heard of. The husband is nonplussed, and all he can think to say is, !0es, 2oney "ie, but the bar you know...the frozen glass...! 2e hasn't finished the sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying, !0ou want a frozen glass, "uppy =ace1! (he hands him a mug out of the freezer that is so cold that it burns his fingers !0es, Tootsie &oll,! hubby says a bit desperately, !but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. -31! !0ou want hors d'oeuvres, "ookie "ooh1! (he opens the oven and removes 7F different hors d'oeuvres) chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. !But, (weetie, 2oney...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that...! !0ou want dirty words, +utie "ie1 2ere...?&I.3 0-,& =,+3I.$ B**& I. 0-,& =&-X*. =,+3I.$ 6,$ A.? *AT 0-,& =,+3I.$ (.A+3(, B*+A,(* 0-, A&*.'T $-I.$ A.0W2*&*% $-T IT, A((2-#*1%%! Two aliens landed in the West Te/as desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, !$reetings, *arthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.! The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, !$reetings, *arthling. We come in peace. 2ow dare you ignore us in this way% Take us to your leader, or I'll fire%! The other alien shouted to his comrade !.o, you don't want to make him mad%! But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge e/plosion that blew both of them EII meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, !What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us% 2ow did you know it was so dangerous1! The other alien answered, !If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the gala/y...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with%! Between the ages of 7P and 78, she is like Africa, virgin and une/plored. Between the ages of 79 and ;F, she is like Asia, hot and e/otic. Between the ages of ;P and GF, she is like America, fully e/plored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of GP and FP she

is like *urope, e/hausted but still has points of interest. After FP, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn. 6aria had ust got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. (o, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. !?on't worry, 6aria. Tony's a good man. $o upstairs and he'll take care of you.! (o up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and e/posed his hairy chest. 6aria ran downstairs to her mother and says, !6ama, 6ama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.! !?on't worry, 6aria,! says the mother,! all good men have hairy chests. $o upstairs. 2e'll take good care of you.! (o, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants e/posing his hairy legs. Again, 6aria ran downstairs to her mother. !6ama, 6ama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs%! !?on't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. $o upstairs and he'll take good care of you.! (o up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When 6aria saw this, she ran downstairs. !6ama, 6ama, Tony's got a foot and a half%! !(tay here and stir the pasta,! says the mother. !This is a ob for 6ama.! A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says !6y name is ?aniel and I'm in for murder! *veryone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing. The ne/t guy stands up and says !6y name is 6ike and I'm in for armed robbery! Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. 2e stands up and says !6y name is #uke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for! The group leader says !.ow, come on #uke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.! !-k then. I'm in for fucking dogs.! *veryone is disgusted% They all shout !What11%% 2ow #-W can you get%! !Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little!, #uke replies. Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, 4ack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed. 4ack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The ne/t morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and >uite uncomfortable, when 4ack proudly taps his teaspoon ; times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry am and ; times on the peanut butter% A man is at the dentist's for a check5up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, !Well... (o you had oral se/ this morning1! !2ow did you know1! asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. !Was it the smell on my breath1! !.o! says the dentist. !Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth1! asks the man. !.o! says the dentist. !Well, what then1 2ow did you know1! asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says !There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose.! A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, !2ow the hell do the two of you have se/1! The big guy says, !I ust sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.! 2is friend says, !0ou know, that don't sound too bad.! The big guy says, !Well, it's kind of like erking off, only I got somebody to talk to.! Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. (o they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. .ine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming e/cept for theirs. !Wow,! one of the gay men says, !-ur baby is the most well behaved one in here.! A nurse who happens to be walking by says, !.ow he's >uiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass.! A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic +ity and he runs into a hooker. 2e says, !2ow much1! (he says !Twenty bucks.! 2e says, !All right.! They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The ne/t night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty5five dollars. (he says, !What's the e/tra five1! 2e says, !That's for blowing the sand off my balls.! A man was stranded in the desert for ten years. -ne day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said, !Would you like a cigar 1! The man said, !#ady, I ain't smoked in ten years.! (o, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said, !Would you like a drink 1! The man said, !#ady, I ain't drank in ten years.! (o, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a bottle of 4ack ?aniels. #ast, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said, !Would you like to play around 1! The man said with astonishment... !0ou mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too1%1%!

-ne day #ittle Timmy comes home from school yelling, !?addy% ?addy% Today at school we had to say our AB+'s and I was the only one in my class who knew them all% The teacher said I did really good%! !Well that's great, son,! his father replied !I'm very proud of you%! (o the ne/t day when #ittle Timmy gets home from school he again is very e/cited !?addy% ?addy%! Timmy yells !Today at school we had to name all of the colors in class and I got them all right% The teacher said I did very good%! And his father replied !Well that's great, son, I'm very proud of you%! The ne/t day when #ittle Timmy came home from school he came in yelling !?addy% ?addy% Today in school after gym class, we were in the shower and I had the biggest penis% I was very happy%! !Well son,! his father replied !that's because 0-,& 78%! 6um walked into the bathroom one day and found young 4ohnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. !What the hell do you think you're doing, young man1%! she e/claimed. !?on't try to stop me%! 4ohnny warned. !I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's.! -n returning from battle in the =alkland Islands, ; soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of JKL7II pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. !I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr%! replies the man of war. !*/cellent,! says the commander, that's !<I inches, so here's JKL<III.! (econdly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. !*/cellent,! replies the commander after measuring the marine, !<F inches, so that's JKL<FII.! Thirdly he asks the e/plosives e/pert. !I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr%! The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying !Where in +hrist are your balls soldier1%! The soldier smiles at him and says !=alkland Islands sahr%! Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. !(hit,! said the first bloke, !as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off%! !What's the rush1! his mate asked. !The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me,! the bloke replied. A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. !I understand you're claiming damages for the in uries you're supposed to have suffered1! (tated the counsel for the insurance company. !0es, that's right,! replied the farmer, nodding his head. !0ou claim you were in ured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case1! !0eah, butJKL! stammered the farmer. !A simple yes or not will suffice,! counsel interrupted >uickly. !0es,! &eplied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him >uestions. !"lease tell the court the e/act circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health,! his lawyer said. !+ertainly,! replied the farmer. !After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. !Then he goes over to my dog, looks at

him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. !.ow, mate, what the hell would you have said to him1! Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old5age home when an ice cream van drove past. !$ee,! said the first old codger. !I'd love an ice cream right now.! !Would you like me to get you one1! asked the second old bloke. !Are you oking1! the first old fart snapped back. !0ou'd forget my order straight away.! !.o I wouldn't,! replied the second.! !All right, then,! said his mate. !I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top.! The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. =ive minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, !I knew I should've gone myself. 0ou forgot the bloody sauce%! 6at's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. 3nowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. 6att enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. !I play a man who's been married for twenty years.! !That's great, son. 3eep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part.! This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete se/ change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. .aturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they e/plained what had happened to him. !(hit%! he moaned. !this means I'll never be able to e/perience an erection ever again%! !-f course you will,! one of the doctors soothed. It'll ust have to be someone else's, that's all.! !$et this.! said the bloke to his mates, !#ast night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. !?id he get anything.! his mates asked. !yeah, a broken aw, si/ teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.! It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of 4ones, 4ohn and 4oe. 4ohn was married and 4oe was single. 4oe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that 4oe's boat sank on the same day that 4ohn's wife died. A few days later a kindly old lady met 4oe on the street, and mistaking him for 4ohn said)! I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible.! 4oe replied: ! Well, I am not a bit sorry. (he was a rotten old thing from the start. 2er bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. (he had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off) =our guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy

fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle% ! T2* -#? #A?0 =AI.T*?. 2aving determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. (he was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked. !Wait a second% What the hell is going on here1! she yelled. !?on't you want to get pregnant1! asked the doctor. !Well, yes, butJKL! stammered the woman. !Well lie back and spread 'em,! replied the doctor. !Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll ust have to settle for what's on tap.! A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homose/uals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway. A few minutes later, the first fag said. !*/cuse me, but I have to fart.! 2e held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low !2sssssss.! A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, !*/cuse me, but I have to fart.! The announcement was followed by another low !2sssssss.! !4esus =uckin +hrist%! the truckie e/claimed. !0ou fairies can't even fart like men. #isten to this.! A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his arse. !-hhh%! one fag e/claimed, turning to the other. !0ou know what we have here, Bruce1 A real virgin%! A funeral service is being held for a woman who has ust passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, arring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. (he lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, !watch out for the fucking wall%''' A gay guy walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami. !Would you like it sliced, sir1! the shopkeeper asked politely. !What do you think I am1! replied the fag, !...a slot machine%1! A man was having problems with premature e aculation so he decided to go to the doctor. 2e asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, !When you feel like you are getting ready to e aculate, try startling yourself.! That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All e/cited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the P9 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to e aculate and fired the starter pistol. The ne/t day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, !2ow did it go1!

The man answered, !.ot that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit ; inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air%! A man went to the doctor and said 5 !?octor, whenever I fart there's no smell!. The doctor asked he man if he could do one there and then, which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times, said 5 !0es, I think I know what the problem is!, went out of the surgery for a moment and came back with a very long stick with a hook on the end. The man became very frightened and asked 5 !?octor, what are you going to do with that thing1!, to which the doctor replied 5 !I'm going to open the window 5 you've got something wrong with your nose%!. A man and his wife were celebrating their FIth wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, !=or our anniversary this year, you can ask me one >uestion, any >uestion you want to. I will answer it truthfully.! The husband replies, !-kay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another e/cept one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. ?id he have a different father than the rest1! The wife stops. (he is unable to look her husband in the eyes. (lowly she replies, !yes. 0es he did have a different father.! 2er husband was taken aback. !-h% -kay...I must know. "lease tell me. Who was that child's father1! Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. (he is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, !0-,.! A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed1! she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, !They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.! 0oung Bill was courting 6abel, who lived on an ad oining farm out west in cattle country. -ne evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. 2e sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on 6abel. 2e leaned in close and whispered in her ear, !6abel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.! !Well then, why don't you1 !6abel whispered back. !It is 0-,& cow.! A young man e/citedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. 2e says, !4ust for fun, 6a, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.! The mother agrees. The ne/t day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. 2e then says, !-kay, 6a. $uess which one I'm going to marry.! (he immediately replies, !The red5head in the middle.! (tunned, the young man says, !That's amazing, 6a. 0ou're right. 2ow did you know1!

!I don't like her,! she says. They finally released the ingredients in Niagra% ;V Nitamin *, EV Aspirin, EV Ibuprofen, 7V Nitamin +, FV (pray (tarch, 8<V =i/5A5=lat. A married couple was on holiday in "akistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. =rom inside they heard a gentleman with a "akistani accent say, !0ou foreigners% +ome in. +ome into my humble shop.! (o the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, !I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. ?ey make you wild at se/ like a great desert camel.! Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the se/ $od he was. The husband asked the man, !2ow could sandals improve my abilities1! The "akistani man replied, !4ust try dem on, (aiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you.! Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes: something his wife hadn't seen in many years) raw se/ual power% In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the "akistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the "akistani's thighs. The "akistani then began screaming, !0-, 2AN* ?*6 -. ?* W&-.$ =**T%! A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells !*veryone prepare for battle, and hand me my red acket.! To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his acket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. #ater, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. !6en, we must go to battle again% (omeone get me my red acket%! And a crew member brought the acket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. .oticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, !Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you re>uest to wear your red acket1! To which the captain replies, !Well, if for some reason I should be in ured and bleed, the red acket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition.! The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. #ater that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 7I in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells !*veryone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants%! The tour bus traveling through northern .evada passed briefly at the 6ustang &anch, near (parks. The guide noted) !We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America.! A male passenger shouted !W201%1!

A couple, both age <8, went to a se/ therapist's office. The doctor asked, !What can I do for you1! The man said, !Will you watch us have se/ual intercourse1! The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, !There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,! and charged them OFI. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. =inally the doctor asked, !4ust e/actly what are you trying to find out1! The old man said, !We're not trying to find out anything. (he's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The 2oliday Inn charges O9I. The 2ilton charges O7I8. We do it here for OFI, and I get OG; back from 6edicare.! True (tory... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, !(o Bob, where's that P inches you promised me last night1! .ot only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard. A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. 2e had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties) !2omose/uals S 2emorrhoids.! The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The ?octor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign) !Mueers S &ears.! The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the ?octor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. (o the ?octor came up with an acceptable sign) !-dds S *nds.! According to archaeologists, for millions of years .eanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly .eanderthal woman were. A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. (he stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator !And finally! she said !I do thank my new parents5in5law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator! A study in (cotland showed that the kind of !male face! a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. =or instance, if she is post5menstrual she may be attracted to plain facial features. When pre5menstrual she can be attracted to more feminine features in a man. If she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a pair of scissors shoved in his temple. $randma and $randpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TN and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. $randma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that

was causing her to have great pain. Then $randpa got up, went to the TN, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. $randma scowled at him and said, !I guess you ust don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.! 2usband) -hhh, you are wonderfully tight tonight darling% Wife) $et that big hairy thing out of my navel% 6r. 4ones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. 2e rushes to the hospital, runs into the *& and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him ?r. (mith is handling the case. They page the doctor. 2e comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset 6r. 4ones. !6r. 4ones1! the doctor asks. !0es sir, what's happened1 2ow is my wife1! The doctor sits ne/t to him and says, !.ot good news. 0our wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.! !-h my $od! says 6r. 4ones, !what will be her prognosis1! ?r. (mith says !Well, 6r. 4ones, her vital signs are stable. 2owever, her spine is inoperable. (he'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.! 6r. 4ones begins to sob. !And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.! 6r. 4ones begins to wail and cry loudly. !Then, of course,! the doctor continued, !you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.! 6r. 4ones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues) !And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. 2er bowel will engorge whenever and >uite often I'm afraid. -f course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly.! .ow 6r. 4ones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. 4ust then ?r. (mith reaches out his hand and pats 6r. 4ones on the shoulder. !2ey, I'm ust fucking with you, she's dead.! After ust a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselorBs office, the counselor umped right in and opened the floor for discussion. !What seems to be the problem1! Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. -n the other hand, the wife began talking 7II miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After F then 7I then 7F minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there 5 speechless. 2e looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, !0our wife .**?( that at least twice a week%! The husband scratched his head and replied, !I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.! At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. 2e was e/cited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. 2e moved to the ne/t seat to her and offered his help. (he welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough1! he asked sheepishly. !$reat,! she said, !but these crabs are still itching%! A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, !WhatJKLs the problem1! (he responds, !6y husband suffers from premature e aculation.! The counsellor turns to her husband and in>uires, !Is that true1! The husband replies, !Well not e/actly, she's the one that suffers, not me.! An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. (urprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. !I'm 9I years old,! he says. !9I%! replies the woman. !?on't you realize you've had it1! !-h, sorry,! says the old man, !how much do I owe you1! !I can't find a cause for your illness,! the doctor said. !=rankly, I think it's due to drinking.! !In that case,! replied his patient, !I'll come back when you are sober.! After GI years as a gynaecologist, 4ohn decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. 2e left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final e/am came and 4ohn worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. 6ost of the students completed their e/am in two hours. 4ohn, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, 4ohn was delighted and surprised to see a score of 7FIV for his e/am. 4ohn spoke to his professor after class. !I never dreamed I could do this well on the e/am. 2ow did I earn a score of 7FIV1! The professor replied, !I gave you FIV for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another FIV for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional FIV for having done all of it through the muffler.! Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a bo/ of Tampa/ and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, !(on, how old are you1! !*ight,! the boy replied. The man continued, !?o you know how these are used1! The boy replied, !.ot e/actly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brotherJKLhe's four. We saw on TN that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. 2e can't do either one.!

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the s>uad steroids. The teamJKLs performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. "enelope, a 7P5year5old hurdler visits her coach and says, !+oach, I have a problem. 2air is starting to grow on my chest.! !What1! the coach says in a panic, !2ow far down does it go1! (he replies, !?own to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about.! In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, !+harlie, what are you doing1! +harlie replied, !?riving to +hicago%! The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The ne/t day the nurse enters +harlie's room ust as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, !Well +harlie, how are you doing1! +harlie says, !I ust got into +hicago.! !$reat,! replied the nurse. The nurse leaves +harlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. (hocked, she asks, !Bob, what are you doing1! Bob says, !I'm screwing +harlie's wife while he's in +hicago%! The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. 2e threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. (he pushed him away. !6aybe your other models let you kiss them,! she said, !but I'm not that kind%! !Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before,! he protested. !&eally1! she said, softening. !Well, how many models have there been1! !=our so far,! he replied, thinking back. !A ug, two apples and a vase.! Bill and 6arla decided the only way to pull off a (unday afternoon >uickie with their ten5year5old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. !There's a car being towed from the parking lot,! he said. !An ambulance ust drove by.! A few moments passed. !#ooks like the Andersons have company,! he called out. !6att's riding a new bike and the +oopers are making love.! 6om and ?ad bolted upright in bed. !2ow do you know that1! the startled father asked. !Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too,! his son replied. A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. 2e found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. .ot to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. !2ow'd you get down here so fast1! he asked. !We were ust making love%! !-h my $od,! his wife gasped, !That's my mother up there% (he came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile.! &ushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. !6other, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something1! The mother5in5law huffed, !I haven't spoken to that erk for 7F years and I wasn't about to start now%! The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven5haired model to the airport. 2alfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, !?river, I don't have time to wait for road service. +an you change it

yourself1! The driver said, !(ure.! 2e got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, !?o you want a screwdriver1! 2e said !(ure% But, first I have to change this tire.! A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isnJKLt in bed with her. (he goes downstairs to look for him. (he finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. 2e appears to be in deep thought, ust staring at the wall. (he watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. !What's the matter, dear1! she asks. !Why are you down here at this time of night1! The husband looks up from his coffee, !?o you remember EI years ago when we were dating, and you were only 7P1! he asks solemnly. !0es, I do,! she replies. !?o you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love1! !0es, I remember,! says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, !?o you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, '*ither you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to ail for EI years1JKL! !I remember that, too,! she replies softly. 2e wipes another tear from his cheek and says, !I would have gotten out today.! A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, !2ey, how about if we sleep together tonight1 .o strings attached.! The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. (he goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. (he scrubs for a good 7I minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have se/. Afterward, the man says, !0ou're a surgeon, aren't you1! !0es,! says the woman, !how did you know1! !I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,! he says. !That makes sense,! says the woman. !0ou're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you1! !0eah, how did you know1! asks the man. The woman replies, !Because I didn't feel a thing.! A man was ust waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. 2is eyes fluttered open and he said, !0ou're beautiful.! Then he fell asleep again. 2is wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, !0ou're cute%! The wife was disappointed because instead of !beautiful,! it was now !cute.! (he said, !What happened to 'beautiful'1! The man replied, !The drugs are wearing off%! This little boy goes up to his dad and he says !?ad1, What's the difference between "otentially and &ealistically1! To which the father replies !Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with &obert &edford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad "itt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom +ruise for a million dollars.! (o the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with &obert &edford for a million dollars and the mother replies !-h my god, of course I would, he is so good looking%! (o the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad "itt for a million dollars, and she replies !2e is so fucking fine, of course I would%! Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom +ruise for a million dollars, his brother says !-f course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks1! (o he goes up to his dad and says !I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically! !Well what's the difference1! says the father. !Well, potentially we're sitting on ; million dollars, realistically we're living with E sluts and a fag%!

!6om, may I take the dog for a walk around the block1! a little girl asked. !.o, I don't think so. =ifi is in heat,! replied the mother. !What does that mean1! asked the child. *mbarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the 6other said, !-h, ust go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.! The little girl goes to the garage and says, !?ad, may I take =ifi for a walk around the block1 I asked 6om, but she said that =ifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you.! .ot wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, !Bring =ifi over here.! 2e took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. !-kay, now you can go for a walk but keep =ifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once.! The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with .- ?-$ on the leash. !Where is =ifi1! her father asked. !(he should be here in a minute,! advised the daughter. !(he ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.! &esearcher) */cuse me madam, I'm conducting a survey. Woman) 0es, what is it about1 &esearcher) We are asking people what they think about se/ on the television... Woman) Nery uncomfortable, I would imagine% A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff5looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, !6a or, when was the last time you had se/1! !79FP,! was his reply. !.o wonder you look so uptight%! she e/claimed. !6a or, you need to get out more%! !I'm not sure I understand you,! he answered, glancing at his watch, ...!It's only EI7G now.! A #ittle &abbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a $iraffe rolling a oint. 2e runs up the $iraffe and says, !2ey, $iraffe. 0ou shouldn't do that. Think of your health. 0ou should come running in the woods instead%! The $iraffe looks at the #ittle &abbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the oint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the #ittle &abbit. After a while the $iraffe and the &abbit come across an *lephant about to do a line of +oke. The &abbit says, !-h, *lephant you really shouldn't do that. 0ou should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you.! The *lephant looks at the &abbit looks at the line of +harlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the $iraffe and the &abbit. (hortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The &abbit runs up to him and says, !2ey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. 0ou'd be better of running in the woods with us.! The Bear looks at the &abbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the &abbit, the $iraffe and the *lephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a si/ pack of beer. The &abbit runs up to the Tiger and says, !2ey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that.! and the Tiger immediately umps up and starts beating the living crap out of the &abbit. The $iraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the &abbit and says, !What the hell are you doing, man1! The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, !Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off: he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on *cstasy%! &ich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at 6adison Avenue shopping for their wives. "oor man says to the &ich man, !What'd you get your wife this year1! 2e says, !A 6ercedes and a huge diamond ring.! The poor man says, !Why'd you get her both1! The &ich man says, !If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy.! The "oor man says, !-.3. That works.! The &ich man says, !Well what did you get your wife1! The "oor man says, !A pair of slippers and a dildo.! The &ich man says, !Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo1! The "oor man says, !If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself%! A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his se/uality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. 2e sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, !6om, I have something to tell you) I'm gay.! 2is mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, !0ou're gay 55 doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth1! The guy said nervously, !,h, yeah, 6om, that's right.! 2is mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, !?on't you *N*& complain about my cooking again%%%%%! At the card shop) A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, !.o.! A clerk came over and asked, !6ay I help you1! !I don't know,! said the woman. !?o you have any '(orry I laughed at your dick' cards1! A guy calls the hospital. 2e says, !0ou gotta send help% 6y wife's going into labor%! The nurse says, !+alm down. Is this her first child1! 2e says, !.o% This is her fucking husband%! The pretty co5ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation) the removal of a large chunk of green wa/ from her navel. #ooking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, !2ow did this happen1! !#et me put it this way, doc,! the girl began. !6y boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight.!

-ne day #ittle (usie got her !monthly bleeding! for the first time in her life. 2aving failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little 4ohnny. 2aving found 4ohnny she told and showed him what her problem was. 4ohnny's face grew serious and he said, !0ou know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone ust ripped your balls off%! !?oc, I think my son has gonorrhea,! a patient told his urologist on the phone. !The only woman he's screwed is our maid.! !-k, don't be hard on him. 2e's ust a kid,! the medic soothed. !$et him in here right away and I'll take care of him.! !But, ?oc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has.! !Then you come in with him and I'll fi/ you both up.! &eplied the doctor. !Well,! the man admitted, ! I think my wife now has it too.! !(on of a bitch%! the physician roared. !That means we've all got it%! A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. ,nable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man ne/t to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, !I love a woman that does aerobics.! The woman replies angrily, !I don't ?- aerobics%! The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, !Then how did you get your leg up so high1! A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, !6ay I buy you a drink1!. #ooking back unimpressed at the man she replies, !-kay, but it won't do you any good.! A little later, he asks, !6ay I buy you another drink1! !-kay, but it still won't do you any good.! 2e invites her up to his apartment and she replies, !-kay, but it won't do you any good.! They get to his apartment and he says, !0ou are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.! (he says, !-h, that's different. (end her in.! A woman sought the advice of a se/ therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. !Isn't there some way to udge the size of a man's e>uipment from the outside1! she asked earnestly. !The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet,! counselled the therapist. (o the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. (he took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the ne/t morning, the woman had already gone

but, by the bedside table was a OEI bill and a note that read, !With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.!

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