You Deserve to Be Reminded Collection by Youmeanyes

you deserve to be reminded
youmeanyes
a TaeNy collection

3:09am
Everyday Love
Lionheart
Lips
Love Letter
Love Me Back To Life
Ne Me Quitte Pas
Rêveur (there is a tomorrow)
The Monster
Steps

3:09am

________________________________________________________________
Taeyeon stared at the red numbers for a little while longer. They carried much weight, being
such a familiar sight, and her eyes focussed so much on their LED existence that she
wondered if they might blind her.
Then she flicked her gaze away. It trickled a short distance from the alarm clock, and landed
on Tiffany’s back. Her long hair was messy, tossed about, her face turned towards Taeyeon,
her cheek pressed into the pillow. The slow, even strokes of her breath ghosted over the
knuckles of her hand which curled near her chin.
Taeyeon shifted to coil on her side, and watched the rhythmic movement of Tiffany’s
breathing. It was a warm night, the room was stuffy, and the soft thin sheets only came up
to just above the curve of Tiffany’s lower back.
She compared the sight of a peaceful Tiffany to the situation they were in an hour earlier,
after Tiffany landed face first on the bed with a tired sigh, when Taeyeon stopped massaging
her shoulders and slipped her hands elsewhere. The crease between Tiffany’s eyebrows was
lesser, the muscles in her jaw relaxed, her breathing unfettered, the beats of her heart slow.
Her skin glowed, glistened ever so slightly, in the light of the robotic numbers on the other
side of the bed.
Taeyeon lifted her head. She leaned forward. The scent of Tiffany’s skin met her, and she
stilled for a moment so that she could be absorbed into the warmth that reached her from
Tiffany’s body. Her mouth grazed the curve of Tiffany’s shoulder, bottom lip catching and
rubbing.
The most delicious taste.
She closed her eyes briefly, and pulled away. She lay on her side again, staring at Tiffany.
Taeyeon knew she would not get enough sleep.
The tips of her fingers moved, traced the protrusion of Tiffany’s shoulder blade, following
the corner, the solidity of Tiffany’s flesh and skin anchoring Taeyeon’s touch. There was so
much warmth. Taeyeon closed her eyes, letting her finger trail along the bumps of Tiffany’s
spine.
She stopped when she reached the edge of the sheets, and spread out her hand wide to
cover Tiffany’s back as much as she could, the contact spreading an ebbing heat along her
hand. Then she opened her eyes again.

[2]

She tightened the muscles of her hand slightly, as if to clutch Tiffany in her palm and hold
her. Tiffany’s body stirred as she breathed, inflating and deflating; slowly and absently, now
taking Taeyeon with her.
Her gaze fixed. She didn’t blink. She wondered. Tiffany’s eyelashes were just long enough to
touch her cheek. One side of her mouth was a tiny bit slanted, the muscles softer.
The mirror corner of Taeyeon’s mouth curved.
Tiffany woke. Half. Her eyes opened slightly; blearily she blinked at Taeyeon and made a soft
noise. Taeyeon just smiled. Tiffany reached out, gripped Taeyeon tightly and tugged.
Taeyeon shifted, and was blanketed in Tiffany’s embrace.
Numbers flickered. 3:09am. Taeyeon and Tiffany slept.

__________________________________________________________________________________

[3]

Everyday Love

________________________________________________________________
It had been less than a week. Taeyeon still fell asleep at night in a cocoon of unshed tears
and her dreams were full of memories. What else could she do? There was no escaping from
it, and she didn’t even want to leave. After all, in her own little world, she could still love
Tiffany every day.
She sighed, slouching in her seat at the bar, and tapped her glass against the counter to get
the bartender’s attention. At the sight of her dark eyes, haggard face, and permanently
downwards-curving lips, the bartender raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t you think you’re being a little over dramatic?”
Taeyeon frowned, as if all the pain of the world was being heaped on her shoulders again.
“No.”
The bartender rolled her eyes. “It’s not like she’s dead or anything. Besides, she is literally
on her way home at this very moment. Aren’t you happy?”
Taeyeon dropped her head to the bar and didn’t answer. She lay face-down, her forehead
against the cool wood, and huffed again. It was the night before Tiffany’s plane landed,
finally bringing Tiffany back. As far as she was concerned, that was way too long and the
edge of sanity was awfully close without Tiffany. She tapped her glass on the counter again
and ignored the reluctant grumbling from the bartender who filled her glass.
“You’re the most depressing friend ever,” the bartender remarked. “I thought you came
here to support me at my new job, now all you’re doing is moping around and crying
because your girlfriend has been gone for a few days.”
Taeyeon turned her head to glare. “You don’t know what it’s like, okay? We’re almost never
apart for this long. I miss her.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Save it. Actually, that’s a good idea. Store up all your depressing,
negative vibes and dump it all on Tiffany when she gets back. That’ll be a nice welcome,
won’t it?”
Taeyeon sat up, narrowing her eyes. “What are you trying to say?”
“I’m saying that you should spend your time getting ready to give her the best welcome
home ever, rather than sitting around under a cloud of melancholy because it’s been two
weeks since you last saw her.”
“Two and a half,” corrected Taeyeon, but the wheels in her head already started turning.
“Best welcome home ever, huh? It is almost Christmas, too.”

[4]

She turned around in her seat, leaned back against the counter, and looked up at the ceiling
thoughtfully.
They moved into their apartment in a December, she recalled, when an icy white carpet of
snow decorated the grounds of the town they had recently made their home. They weren’t
prepared for a real Christmas yet, their living room without a tree and their walls lacking
decoration; in fact, all they had in those days was a bed, a laptop, and some food, but
Taeyeon remembered it as one of the greatest times of her life. Why? Because she had the
warmth of her soul mate to wrap around her when the nights seemed too cold to handle,
and she had the most beautiful smile in the world to greet her every morning.
“Oi!”
The bartender poked her sharply in the back of her head. She turned, looking shocked, and
rubbed the sore spot.
“What do you want?” she asked grumpily.
The bartender held out her hand, flat. “Money, money, money. Those drinks weren’t free,
you know. You gotta stop daydreaming about your soppy love story and give me some cash.”
Taeyeon pouted. “You’re so mean to me.”
“Were you or were you not gazing blissfully at some rose-tinted little thought bubble that
showed a sequence of tender and loving moments between you and Tiffany some time
during a past December?”
Taeyeon chose to remain silent. She gathered some money and shoved it towards the
bartender, and was met with a smirk.
“Exactly. And foolish love-sick idiots like you need a good poke in the skull every now and
then.”
Taeyeon sighed. “I don’t know what to do. I want to give her the best welcome home ever,
but how do I do that?”
“Listen, Taeyeon. One thing I know you’re capable of is showing Tiffany what’s in your heart.
Does that give you a few ideas yet?”
The blank stare of reply was all that Taeyeon could think to show.
“Wow, I knew you were slow but this is unprecedented. You’ll figure something out, I’m
sure, but go do it somewhere else, okay? You’re ruining business here.”
Walking along the crunchy pavement outside, Taeyeon found herself remembering the
tingling of her palm when she held hands with Tiffany. She clenched and unclenched her
fingers, clicked her tongue exasperatedly, and let out another dispirited sigh.
[5]

It would be physically impossible to show Tiffany what was in her heart – unless she took it
literally, in which case Tiffany would probably be disgusted and Taeyeon would be dead –
but Taeyeon knew exactly what was in her heart that she wanted to show Tiffany. Love. A
whole lot of love, and it was there for Tiffany and because of Tiffany. But how could she
possibly show that satisfactorily? All her ideas right now didn’t seem enough, didn’t convey
her feelings well enough. She needed something big, something spectacular, something
overwhelming to show exactly how much their love meant to her.
Then she realised something. Her mind had wandered over every moment she had spent
with Tiffany, every morning, afternoon, evening, night that they were together. And she
realised something spectacular, something overwhelming, the thing that had completely
taken her heart. What she loved most about Tiffany – it was a tough competition – was the
fact that their love happened every day. She could feel Tiffany’s love all day and all night,
every day and every night. It was an ingrained part of her life. No matter where she was or
where Tiffany was, she felt that incredible love.
Taeyeon smiled. She had a few new ideas for how to show Tiffany what was in her heart,
and she would show her every day.
Tiffany returned to their apartment with exhaustion in her bones, eyes already closing as
she dreamed of drifting off to sleep. She dumped her luggage at the door, dragged herself
down the hall, paused for a moment as she remembered to remove her shoes, and almost
walked into the wall as she made her way into the living room.
“Tae?” she called out, voice heavy with weariness.
“Be right there!” came the reply from the kitchen. “I’m making you some hot chocolate
before you sleep.”
Tiffany smiled, and closed her eyes as she dumped herself face-first onto the couch. She
breathed out a deep sigh and let her mind and body relax completely.
There was nothing she loved more than spending every day with Taeyeon in her heart.
__________________________________________________________________________________

[6]

Lionheart

________________________________________________________________
The costume they gave Taeyeon made her itch, and it was too big, and it looked shabby.
What kind of a lion had such a threadbare mane, meek little tail, thin frail paws? She
decided she didn’t like it. And the way it scratched against her arms, unprotected by her
short-sleeved shirt beneath, she was ready to rip it off and go find something more
interesting to do with her time. After all, there was a new ice-cream store just across the
road, and no bossy girl from the class next door could keep her from exploring it!
But the bossy girl from the class next door was awfully good at keeping her there even when
the costume made her feel like choking because it was tight only around her neckline and
nowhere else. This was because the girl was really, really pretty – not that Taeyeon paid
mind to such things, but an eye-smile like hers was a sure-fire killer any time.
She didn’t stop thinking of the activity as frivolous and boring though, however sweetly that
girl plied her words and made her stay. Taeyeon seemed like the most bored lion in history,
yawning rather than roaring even when it was time for her only line in the production. Her
act of a big lazy housecat drew a pout from the bossy girl from the class next door and
Taeyeon briefly reconsidered, tried again.
“Roar!”
“What, you can’t just say roar, you have to roar.”
She changed her mind again. The whole thing was stupid.
“I can say whatever I want, I’m a lion!”
“Lions can’t even say anything in the first place! Just roar, Taeyeon, please!”
And there went the look again. This girl, Tiffany Hwang Miyoung from the class next door,
really was capable of managing anything. She was the best director’s assistant in the school
and she knew it, proud of her title and it showed in the way she always walked with her
head held high and that incredibly happy smile on her face.
Taeyeon lost the little power struggle again, and sighed.
“Roooaaarrrr…”
“… Saying it slower doesn’t count as a roar, Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon grumbled under her breath and looked elsewhere. The nearby tree scuttled away
in fear, its sneakered feet squeaking over the wooden stage floor.
“Grrr.”
[7]

”Taaeeeee…..”
The whining started. Taeyeon was well acquainted with the whining. Tiffany would equip a
special pout, rise to a higher tone of voice, increase the rate of her blinking, and rotate her
body a few degrees one time counter-clockwise and once clockwise. Taeyeon had studied
her technique well in her year-long research into the high success rate of Tiffany’s requests.
She narrowed her eyes. She was determined not to fall victim to the powers of a siren like
Tiffany.
“Grrroar.”
Tiffany huffed in protest, and Taeyeon allowed herself a triumphant smirk, thinking she had
won this one. She stood up straighter, crossed her arms over her chest and uncrossed them
again when the itchiness got worse as a result of her movement. She scratched absently at
her furry arm with one paw as she waited for Tiffany’s next move.
Tiffany sighed and looked disappointed.
Taeyeon’s eyes widened. Throughout all her research, from the beginning of her existence
within Tiffany’s friendship levels, out of all of her eye-witness accounts and personal
experiences of interactions with Tiffany, never had she encountered this kind of reaction.
Something was wrong with Tiffany! She impulsively reached out, grabbed Tiffany’s cheeks,
and moved her head side to side.
“Are. You. Oh. Kay?!”
Tiffany blinked.
“Can. You. Hear. Me? Blink once for yes, twice for no, three times for oh my god Taeyeon
you dork!”
Tiffany grinned. She put her hands over Taeyeon’s paws and moved them away from her
face.
“Taeyeon, you are a dork,” she stated. “And those paws feel kind of icky on my skin, don’t
do that again. What the heck are they made of?”
Taeyeon bopped her on the head playfully and shrugged. “Made of love and popsicles. You
seem kind of down today.”
The nearby tree had shuffled closer again, and bumped into Tiffany to get her attention.
There followed a series of awkward tree stump movements and a strange high-pitched
whining noise from within the wood.
“Okay, go to the bathroom, we’ll finish this scene later when the director comes back,”
Tiffany said, waving at the tree with a smile.
[8]

When they were alone, Taeyeon tugged at her tail and let out a little mewling sound. “I’m
the cutest lion in the world; we don’t need anything else in this play. We can just do a
couple of hours of me sleeping on stage, the parents will love it. Best high school play ever.
We’ll rake in those spare-change donations, buy a spa pool in time for the swimming
tournament. Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you or should I guess?”
Tiffany reached over and fiddled with Taeyeon’s mane, running her hand through the
artificial hair, styling it into something perhaps a bit too fashionable for the everyday lion.
Taeyeon rubbed at the black-painted tip of her nose with a paw as she let Tiffany take her
time to answer. One of the other things she had picked up from her research was the way
Tiffany behaved when she wanted to say something important.
“You are the cutest lion in the world,” Tiffany murmured, ruffling Taeyeon’s mane into a
mess again. “You must have the heart of a lion, Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon hummed in acknowledgement. “I am rather awesome, yes. Been watching Wizard
of Oz? What’s with the interest in a lion’s heart?”
“Courage.”
“Courage? Tiffany, you’re the most courageous person I know. What’s going on? Did
something happen?”
Tiffany just made a strained noise in her throat and leaned forward to wrap her arms
around Taeyeon. Taeyeon reciprocated the embrace immediately, and a frown was etched
on her brow. Tiffany was always the bright, positive, upbeat one, the one who was so
endlessly friendly and happy. Something had to be really bothering her.
“Talk to me, Fany…”
Tiffany squeezed her. “I’m really going to miss you.”
Taeyeon’s eyes widened and she pulled away from Tiffany, taking her by the shoulders and
staring at her. “Huh?! I’m right here! What are you talking about now?”
“I’m talking about after high school, Taeyeon. We won’t be going to the same university,
mine’s in another city.”
“After high school? Wait, you already know which university you’re going to?”
“Don’t you? Taeyeon, it’s our last year here, haven’t you been thinking about what to do?”
“Well, no, I guess I’ve been too busy thinking about…” Thinking about you.
Tiffany sighed again. Taeyeon’s heart fell, she was really starting to hate the sound of
Tiffany’s sigh and she knew there had to be something she could do to stop it. But the sad
look in Tiffany’s eyes rendered her frozen.
[9]

“Listen, Taeyeon, I know this isn’t really the best time, I mean sometimes I can barely even
look at you in that lion costume and keep a straight face, but I think I should tell you
something.”
“Of course, you know you can tell me anything,” Taeyeon said immediately, and she
reached out to take hold of Tiffany’s hands but remembered her icky paws and just kind of
hovered her arms awkwardly for a moment before lowering them and fidgeting.
Tiffany took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes. “Taeyeon… I like you. Very much. Like,
I like like you.”
Taeyeon stared blankly. “Few too many likes there, Fany. What?”
“I really like you, Taeyeon! I like you as more than a friend, okay?!”
Taeyeon gasped. “You do?!” She beamed, and clapped her paws together, and did a
victorious fist-pump without being able to make an actual fist because of her costume.
“Man, this is the best news I’ve ever heard!”
“Uh…?”
She waved her paws in a soothing action. “It’s okay, Tiffany. I’ve had a crush on you for ages.
I realised during my research that I’m kind of a little bit in love with you and I want to date
you. But wow, I must have made a big error in my thesis deductions because I totally
thought you only saw me as a friend!”
Tiffany gave her the kind of look that said “are you seriously being like this right now” and
Taeyeon coughed sheepishly. Then she grinned again, leaned forward, and kissed Tiffany on
the cheek.
“I really like you too, as more than a friend, Fany,” she said proudly.
Tiffany smiled widely, which made Taeyeon feel relieved to see her signature eye-smile
again, and blushed a little. After a moment of grinning at each other stupidly, she became
serious again.
“But Taeyeon, that’s the problem. I won’t be seeing you again after this year…”
“Tiffany,” Taeyeon started, and stopped. She yanked at her lion costume, pulling it off with a
struggle. “Hold on a minute,” came her muffled voice as she tried to wiggle out of the thing.
“I’ll be with you in just a sec.”
Tiffany watched in amusement until Taeyeon was free of the costume and taking big gulps
of air as if she had been trapped in an underwater cave. She still had the painted-on nose
and whiskers.
“Okay. Now, where was I?”
[10]

Taeyeon stepped forward and laced her fingers with Tiffany’s. She locked her gaze on
Tiffany’s face and spoke seriously.
“Tiffany, I will follow you to your university at any cost. Extra studying? No problem. More
money? I can get some. Smarter brain? I can fake that. Cuter face? Well that won’t be
necessary, I’m the cutest. I want you to know, I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to be
with you.”
She pulled Tiffany into a hug and they melted into each other.
“And I wouldn’t have been able to be like this if you hadn’t had the courage to tell me how
you feel,” she murmured. “I’m a coward without you. You’re the one with the heart of the
lion. But I won’t make you wear that costume, it’s really itchy and pathetic-looking.”
Tiffany tightened her grip on Taeyeon, closed her eyes, and smiled contentedly. “Thank you
Taeyeon. You are the cutest lion ever. You still have to roar in the play though, dating the
director’s assistant will not get you any favours.”
“Oh, I see how it is. Well, let me tell you, I’ve really been holding back, I have some super
roaring skills, I’ve just been hiding them for fear of exposing the world to a power it is not
yet ready to experience. I’m really so awesome -”
A thump followed and a little squeak from Taeyeon.
“Lions can’t talk, Taeyeon. Just roar, okay?”
And Taeyeon did roar, though it was not quite as powerful as she had promised – she said
she was holding back for the safety of the precious children in the audience – and in the end
the play was almost two hours of Taeyeon being a cute lion because she kept walking on
stage when it wasn’t her turn (though it was clear she did this mostly so that she could wink
at Tiffany and say “rawr”).
The costume wasn’t even itchy anymore, and as Taeyeon stood backstage peeking at Tiffany
in the front row of the audience, she completely forgot how weak the lion costume was. She
was thinking not of a lion’s mane, or tail, or paws, but of a lion’s heart. She felt like the
strongest, most courageous lion in the world, and Tiffany made her so.
___________________________________________________________________________

[11]

Lips

_______________________________________________________________
“It’s her.”
“Woah, what’s she doing here?”
“Hey watch out, she’s coming this way.”
A sly smile curved the corners of Tiffany’s lips. Her heels clicked against the smooth hard
floor beneath her as she walked through the bar, passing the people who whispered and
stared. Locks of her hair flowed over one shoulder as she flicked it out of her face, exposing
the bare skin of her shoulders revealed by her sleeveless top. A sharp intake of breath from
someone nearby made her smirk.
“Afternoon.”
She sat down at the little table in the corner, shifted her chair closer to it, and kept her eyes
away from the person sitting opposite her.
“Good afternoon, Ms Tiffany,” came the reply.
The waiter was by her side in less than a minute, whipping out his notebook and grinning.
She spoke before he could even breathe and ordered a glass of pineapple juice. It was just
past four o’clock. Tiffany removed her sunglasses, flicked them shut and lay them on the
table, and dumped her purse onto the empty chair next to her. She sighed and ran a hand
through her dark red hair.
“Let’s be quick,” she said.
“Of course, Ms Tiffany.”
An envelope was placed on the table and pushed towards her.
“An invitation. Your father would like you to attend his wedding on December the 1 st.”
Tiffany eyed the envelope and clicked her tongue. She crossed her arms over her chest.
“Right, right. Well I’ll be there. And?”
The waiter arrived with her pineapple juice. She knew acknowledging him would make it
more likely that he would hang around, so she immediately lifted the glass to her lips and
finally raised her gaze to see the person seated across from her.
Seohyun was flipping through a folder in her hands, skimming through the pages, her face
perfectly composed in utmost serenity. She wasn’t a cold person, in fact she was cheerful
and friendly, but she had some amazing internal balance that meant she could be like this,
so straightforward and simple about professionalism.
[12]

The waiter awkwardly shuffled away.
“Three people have responded to your advertisement in the newspaper,” Seohyun
continued. “One who calls herself Taeyeon seems most suited for your needs.”
“And why is that?”
“She wrote in her email – and I quote – ‘I know a lot about lips and I would like to see
yours’.”
Tiffany almost choked on her juice. “What?! Is she some kind of pervert?”
“Apparently she gets that a lot.”
Tiffany set down her glass and ran a hand through her hair again. “Oh, I see, she’s eccentric,
huh. One of the more socially awkward artists.”
“Perhaps. The way she worded her response suggests that she understands your intended
concept very well. She would like to base the artwork on your lips, which would work well to
keep your designs close to your identity as a designer while developing your original ideas.”
“Hmm. Okay, set up a meeting.”
“No need.”
Tiffany jumped at the new voice from right next to her and almost fell off her chair when
she came face to face with a stranger. Literally this person was a few inches from her face
and staring at her so intently she thought she might explode.
“What the f-”
“I’m Taeyeon,” she said, giving a friendly smile even while her eyes were still too wide for
comfort. “You must be Ms Tiffany. I can tell by your lips.”
“Oh wow. Wow. Yeah, you gotta be Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon’s smile became a grin and she finally backed off. She waved cheerily at Seohyun,
and then gestured at the waiter who was lurking not far away.
“Hey can I get a bottle of beer? Do you have Cass Fresh? Thanks.”
Taeyeon sat down in the other free chair, and looked at Tiffany again.
Tiffany blinked.
“I have to go,” said Seohyun, snapping the folder shut and standing. “That’s all we needed
to talk about, Ms Tiffany.”

[13]

Tiffany reached out in the manner of a confused tourist who had become trapped in
quicksand in the jungle, but to no avail as Seohyun left swiftly and without glancing back at
either of them. Tiffany lowered her arms and turned to look at Taeyeon, who was accepting
her bottle of beer from the waiter.
“So you’re sure you can do this?”
Taeyeon took a sip of her beer. “Absolutely.”
Tiffany eyed her for a moment. Then she sighed and got settled again. “All right, let’s start
talking and doing some sketches. Did you bring your stuff?”
She hadn’t brought all of her stuff, but she pulled a ballpoint pen from one pocket and
collected a swab of napkins. Over the course of a lengthy one hour and twenty minutes as
well as three bottles of Cass Fresh and two glasses of pineapple juice, they produced almost
thirty ink-smudged napkins showing various artistic sketches and fashion designs.
“Do you ever get overly conscious of your lips?” Taeyeon asked curiously, nursing her nearly
empty bottle and gazing at Tiffany. “I do sometimes. You just suddenly realise there are
these things, part of your face, that are moving when you talk and just kind of there, you
know? That happens to me sometimes.”
Tiffany looked dubious. “Are you a druggie?”
“What? No! I get high on life, thank you very much.”
“Oh, you’re one of those,” Tiffany said dismissively.
“Yeah, I’m one of those. How about you?” Taeyeon leaned closer and lowered her voice.
“What do you get high on, Ms Tiffany?”
Tiffany glanced at the smirk on Taeyeon’s face and echoed it briefly. Then she leaned
forward, locked eyes with Taeyeon, and whispered, “I don’t get high. I make high.”
Taeyeon’s smirk faded, but not into a look of shock or nervousness like Tiffany had expected.
Instead, something else appeared, something she didn’t recognise.
“You know, the thing about lips is,” Taeyeon murmured, “they’re so sensitive. Your bottom
lip can tell the difference between all kinds of textures. Food, liquid, glass, plastic,
cosmetics...” Her stare dropped on to Tiffany’s lips. “…bare, naked skin.”
Tiffany swallowed, keeping her eyes trained on Taeyeon’s face.
“And that’s what makes kissing so wonderful,” Taeyeon continued. A grin tugged at the
corner of her mouth, briefly revealing a flash of a white canine tooth. “Sensitive meets
sensitive. Senses connect. And that’s how fireworks are made.”

[14]

Tiffany let out a long breath. She sat back in her chair, fiddling with the straw of her empty
glass, and smiled.
“You’re quite a smooth talker.”
Taeyeon grinned. “Thanks.” She straightened up, and finished off the last little bit of her
beer with a swig. “Well, I’m off. Your assistant has my number, so just call me when you
need me again.”
She grabbed her jacket, which was hung over the back of the chair, and got up to leave.
Tiffany watched her exaggerated wink before she disappeared, and her lips slowly formed
another smile. She traced her finger over one of the sketched designs in front of her.
“I’ll definitely call you, Taeyeon.”
__________________________________________________________________________________

[15]

Love Letter
__________________________________________________________________________________

Life without you is really boring.
Somehow no one else has noticed, but the sky is really grey when you’re not around.
And no matter what season it is, you make the weather seem incredibly perfect when you’re
here.
You are truly beautiful and I’m in love with you.
Tiffany took one look at the words and hammered her finger onto the backspace key. She
watched the little black letters disappear from the screen in front of her and felt her heart
drop further and further with the growing emptiness of the blank pixelated paper.
Writing a love letter was not easy. For some foolish, hideous reason she had thought she
would be able to just write down her thoughts, let them all out, verbalise her feelings. What
had she been thinking?
The frustration reached a boiling point and she burst, letting out a little stream of madness
through the keyboard. The sight of aoshboailygsfoILUSBLahsdkuavsdkahbsdLIABSCKASA on
the screen gave her a fleeting sense of satisfaction, as if it was an actual achievement to go
nuts on the keys. With a sigh, she erased the gibberish and tried to focus.
Love. Well, that’s a start, she thought, and she typed the word love at the top of the paper.
Okay. Love. Love…. Taeyeon. She added the new word to the row.
Love Taeyeon. That seemed like an instruction. And she already loved Taeyeon, so, feeling
like she might as well do it, she added the letter I.
I love Taeyeon.
She stared.
Tiffany is clearly a genius. She felt a bit better, adding that sentence to the fray. It was true,
after all, she thought with a healthy dose of pure sarcasm.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m really tearing myself up over writing this love letter to you.
And hey Taeyeon, did you know, Tiffany is actually in love with you, too.
She squinted. She cringed. She shook herself thoroughly.
She went onto Google and typed ‘How to write a love letter’.

[16]

Listening to romantic music while writing, dimming the lights, penning expressions of
favourite memories and wishes for the future. Tiffany grimaced. The examples of love
letters they gave were not particularly interesting. She could imagine Taeyeon reading
something like that and being nice about it but not particularly amazed.
She closed the search.
Her fingers hovered over the keys again as she returned to the document. Sure, handwriting
would look better, but she had no idea what to write first so she had decided to type out
the draft before spending time crafting the visual presentation.
And none of that made any difference now, as the only component to her electronic letter
was the blinking of the cursor on the first line.
She blinked.
You blink repeatedly when you first wake up in the morning, she typed. A little flutter of
eyelashes, a deep breath, a yawn as you squeeze your eyes shut again, and then three slow
blinks as you get your brain functioning.
When you see me, you stop blinking. Every time. I’ve never once seen you blink just after
your gaze reaches me. Instead, your lips curl into a little smile that my own mouth is drawn
to echo. I love your smile, and I love you for giving me my smile.
She narrowed her eyes at the paragraphs on the screen. But, before she let herself
contemplate it too deeply, she decided to keep typing and just delete it later.
You used to think that I didn’t like you in the way you liked me. You would stare at me from
the other side of the room – I noticed you, by the way, I felt your eyes on me every time –
and always when you were looking at me you would get a ridiculous, dreamy look on your
face.
Well, maybe it wasn’t such a ridiculous look after all. I’ve never told you this, though you’ve
asked, but that look on your face was what first made me think of you even when you
weren’t near. You could see your dream, right there in front of you, and it must have been
wonderful to be so close. But why did you assume I would never feel the same?
Taeyeon, I’ve loved you for longer than you realise. Longer, even, than I can know for sure.
And Taeyeon, I’ll love you for a time that is beyond measure for either of us.
Oh, have I mentioned this? Your very being is truly beautiful, and I am in love with you,
further than my soul can see even though it reaches there.
Tiffany stopped. She hesitated. She read through everything she’d written and it made her
want to squeal and burn up in embarrassment. Would she actually let Taeyeon read this
[17]

kind of thing from her? These words, associated with her, in front of Taeyeon. The very
thought of that scenario made her insides curl up. How could she ever possibly tell Taeyeon
something like this? She could never let Taeyeon see what she’d written, ever.
But as her fingers moved to erase the words and close the document, something made her
hold back. The letters caught on to the edges of her eyes, pulled her to read them again and
again. Her mind was racing and her heart was thudding, and she could practically feel her
blood flowing through her veins.
Giving this letter to Taeyeon would be the bravest thing she had ever done. Braver than
standing up to bullies as a child, braver than talking back to her father as a teenager, braver
still than the time she lashed out at a thief who had tried to steal her purse.
This would be the act of baring her heart to the one she loved. It was a terrifying, horrifying
thought that sent fire through her bones and made her hands shake uncontrollably.
With a slow movement, she clicked print.
Her eyes met Taeyeon’s. She gave her the letter.
“I love you, Taeyeon.”

__________________________________________________________________________________

[18]

Love Me Back To Life

________________________________________________________________
“You’re getting too thin these days. Here, eat.”
Tiffany looked up at the friendly face. She managed to whip out a tiny shaking smile.
“I’m fine.”
Her phone went off and its vibrations nearly sent it off the edge of the table in front of her.
Ignoring her surroundings – especially the living aspect – she took it in her hand, thumbed
the screen, and pressed its chilled surface to her ear.
“Hello?”
But there was no one there. No voice came, no soft sound of breathing, no city rushing in
the background. The line went dead after three seconds ticked by slowly and silently, only
counted by Tiffany. She lowered the phone, returning it to the table, and patiently crossed
her hands over each other beside it.
Not long ago, or maybe it was centuries ago by now, the call would have been different. A
light voice would have asked if she wanted to go have lunch at a new restaurant, or would
tell her that the bouquet of flowers she received at work came with a bonus at home. Even
recently, she would have put down the phone and put up walls around her heart as the
soaked-up tears made it swell. But the tears had all broken through her barriers now, and
washed away the strain, the way her muscles contracted, the way her stomach clenched,
when her thoughts turned to somebody that she used to know. So she sat, gazing into space,
letting her mind’s eye freely see somebody where somebody used to be.
“Just eat.”
The voice came again. She absently turned her unfocussed gaze back to the friendly face,
which now had grimly pursed lips and pitying eyes. She sighed, letting her breath be
emptied from her body and letting her mind once again see somebody that she used to
know.
“I’m fine.”
She pretended not to hear what people said when they stepped away from her, around a
corner, to whisper their concerns. She acted as if the snatched sentences didn’t enter her
thoughts. As if she never knew that they all thought she was in a hopeless state, waiting for
nothing, trapped in a rut, no longer moving. She didn’t know that a certain somebody was
just being cruel, calling her, making her think there was something left.
Tiffany picked up her keys from the little bowl by the door, her lips twitching for a moment
as she remembered how a certain somebody had reacted when it had first appeared in her
[19]

house - “Really, Tiffany? That’s such a cliché!” – But it had been said with a delighted glint.
She loved things that were considered a cliché, because they had become so clichéd that no
one did it anymore, which made them special once again. Somebody had loved that stupid
clichéd little bowl for her keys. Somebody had loved her.
Tiffany closed the door behind her, cutting off the words “she needs to get out more” that
were being said inside the house between people who spent entirely too much time there
themselves. She zipped up her jacket and made her way down the path to where her car
had frosted on the side of the road. It was hard to open the door, as it was every winter, and
she gave the handle a yank that she had perfected over the past two years of living with it.
The drive to the studio was quiet, as expected. She hadn’t bothered to turn on the heater. It
would take so long to rattle into life that by the time the weak waves of heat started to be
released, she would already have reached her destination. Out of the corners of her eyes,
she saw the empty streets, the dark shop windows, the street lights flickering on.
Pulling into the parking lot, she noticed an unfamiliar car parked in one of the spots against
the building’s white exterior. A reflexive frown settled on her brow and she manoeuvred her
car to park beside the stranger. The windows of the car were blurred with frost, much like
her own car’s windows, so she stepped out and leaned closer. With the edge of her jacket’s
sleeve, she rubbed at the glass, peering as it slowly became clearer.
“Um, can I help you?”
Tiffany spun around, her sleeve sliding off the window causing a squeal, her exhalation of
surprise visible as her breath reached the cold air. She was met with the curious expression
of a good-looking girl.
“O-Oh, sorry… Is this your car?”
The girl nodded, still looking at her curiously. “Yes. Can I help you with something?”
“N-No. Sorry.”
Tiffany shuffled away from the car awkwardly, making her way to the entrance of the
building while shooting half-glances at the girl. She was petite, wrapped in a faded duffel
jacket, her caramel-coloured hair tied in a loose ponytail. The girl watched her go, still with
that same expression of curiousity on the features of her youthful-looking face.
Tiffany shut the door behind her and took a deep breath, pocketing the access card that had
allowed her entrance into the building. She wondered what the girl was doing there.
The dance studio was usually not very popular at that time of the evening, when it was
turning night, and especially not in winter. She would know; she had always been one of the
strongest campaigners for not going to the dance studio on such cold, dreary days.
Somebody always had to drag her there, which had always amused Tiffany as that particular
[20]

somebody was so lazy the rest of the time. But then she had found out exactly why that
certain somebody had been so eager to go to the dance studio as often as possible, and that
wasn’t amusing at all.
The lights in the main practice room were still on and she guessed that the girl who had just
left had forgotten to turn them off.
At first Tiffany had not liked dancing at all. She wasn’t good at it. She could learn the moves
as well as she liked, but her body just wouldn’t move right all the time. She wasn’t horrible,
but she didn’t quite satisfy her own standards. It had been almost two years of trying to
move like their dance instructor when she found that somebody, in particular, wasn’t all
that keen on her attempts to copy, preferring the original instead.
Tiffany slipped a CD from the rack against the wall and opened the stereo’s disc tray. There
was already a disc inside and she frowned again. The girl she had met outside must have
been very forgetful. There was no case for the disc, which made her frown even more, so
she delicately placed it on top of the rack before entering her CD.
She let the first track play and stretched her shoulders absently as she made her way to
stand a few feet from the wall-length mirror. She thought of her membership contract with
the dance studio, which would expire soon if she didn’t renew it, and she thought about
whether or not she would want to renew it. Her eyes traced her reflection, and she sighed.
Her jacket fell to the floor and she began to stretch in earnest.
Dancing reminded her of the circumstances of her own broken heart, but it also made her
forget everything around her, even just for a little while. And even if she wasn’t exactly the
best at dancing, it had become a part of her life now.
She didn’t notice the figure stopping at the door. She didn’t hear the rustling of the faded
jacket as the girl leaned against the doorway and crossed her arms. She didn’t sense the
curious gaze examining her as she moved with some warm-up dances.
The girl smiled to herself, her eyes retaining the light of curiousity. She watched until Tiffany
made her first mistake, and kept watching with interest as Tiffany repeated the same move
and tried and tried again until she got it right.
She spared a glance for the clock on the wall. It was getting beyond late. Time had passed
already, the same songs running over and over through the speakers of the stereo as the CD
spun on repeat.
The girl stretched her own muscles, which were stiffening after standing against the
doorway for so long. She shook her head at her own behaviour and shot another curious
look at Tiffany. Then, with another little smile, she turned and left again without retrieving
her CD, making a mental note to tell the new dance instructor that she had forgotten it.

[21]

As Tiffany drove through the darkened streets much later, she decided to turn on the heater
for the first time in an age. A long drive around would give it time to warm up, and give
herself time to try stopping her thoughts.
With very little idea of where she was and where she was going, Tiffany drove through the
city for as long as she could. She slumped in her seat when the car came to a standstill and
stared at the red haze of the stoplight through her slightly fogged-up windscreen. Idly, she
wondered if it was time to go home.
But home was so much colder.
The haze turned green, leaving Tiffany awash in the light. She blinked, but didn’t move.
There was no one else in the area. She slowly absorbed the solitary state of her presence
before eventually shifting her car into gear and moving on.
Her eyes were drawn to a lit-up sign further along the street; a deeply black background
bearing a bright blue border and the word Night. It was simple, basic, and subtle. She pulled
over beside it.
Night was a nightclub of sorts. It was dim and dusky inside, with jarring bass-heavy music
and writhing, alcohol-filled bodies on the dance floor. Tiffany made her way around the
edge of the mass and reached the bar, which had a dark wooden surface littered with damp
drink coasters and peanut crumbs. The bartender gave her a charming smile which she
barely registered before turning back to watch the dancers from her new point of view.
A few of the people seemed to have actual skill with dancing, but her eye travelled to a
familiar-looking girl not far away, who was holding a video camera and focusing it on one
dancer in particular with a look of concentration on her face.
Tiffany frowned.
It was the girl she had bumped into at the dance studio earlier. Tiffany followed the
direction of the girl’s focus and watched as the dancer switched into a routine with steadily
increasing difficulty that she performed flawlessly. The people around the dancer moved
back and watched her dance, whooping and clapping at the surprise performance.
Tiffany turned her gaze back to the girl, who was grinning proudly. She guessed they knew
each other. With a frown, she turned to the bartender and finally ordered a drink.
The dancer finished her set, and was applauded by those around her. A few clapped her on
the back and she was beaming as she thanked them, and handed out what seemed to be
business cards. Before long, she went over to the girl and high-fived her happily.
Tiffany paid no mind to it, staring into the liquid of her drink, leaning on the bar with one
arm. In her mind, she replayed what she had seen of the dancer’s performance, the
[22]

techniques and stages of the routine. She wondered if she was willing to risk trying it herself
next time she went to the studio.
“Hi.”
The voice came from beside her, and she looked to see that girl again, smiling at her.
“Um… hello,” she replied uncertainly.
“My name is Taeyeon,” the girl said, holding out her hand, still wearing that smile. She
seemed perfectly at ease introducing herself to a stranger in a nightclub.
Tiffany blinked and took the hand, shaking it lightly. “I’m Tiffany. Nice to meet you.”
Taeyeon’s smile widened. “Tiffany. That’s a nice name. I’m pleased to meet you, Tiffany. Did
you see my friend dance?”
Tiffany nodded slowly, wondering what Taeyeon wanted from her. “Yes. She’s very good.”
“She’s the new dance teacher at the studio where I saw you earlier today.”
Tiffany raised her eyebrows. “Oh, I see.”
Taeyeon moved to lean against the bar, facing her and crossing her arms across her chest.
Her peaceful smile stayed on her face much like the look of curiousity from the first time
they had seen each other. Tiffany looked away, unsure about making eye contact, and toyed
with her glass again.
“You seem unhappy.”
Tiffany’s head shot up again, staring at Taeyeon. “Excuse me?”
Taeyeon seemed to realise the impact of her behaviour.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep the boundaries here,” she said quickly. “I just noticed it
seems as if you’re lacking something in life. I hate seeing someone feeling empty and
hopeless. No matter how creepy it makes me seem right now.”
“Well, I’m afraid it’s a little too creepy for me, Taeyeon,” Tiffany said, straightening up from
her position. “I should get going.”
Taeyeon looked disappointed, and stood up properly too. “I’m sorry, Tiffany. I guess that
was a little too forward.”
She tucked a lock of her caramel-coloured hair behind one ear and her expression became
thoughtful as she regarded Tiffany again.
“Give me another chance?” she asked quietly.
[23]

Tiffany hesitated, taken aback and uncertain of what Taeyeon wanted or how to respond.
Taeyeon stuck her hand out again, still looking thoughtful.
“Hello stranger, I’m Taeyeon,” she said. “I noticed you from across the bar. Have you ever
been to the dance studio on the other side of town? It just so happens my friend and I are
here tonight doing some publicity for it.”
Tiffany regarded the girl solemnly. She waited for a while to see how long Taeyeon would
stand there in that exact position. She took a sip from her drink, and eyed their
surroundings deliberately. Then she took Taeyeon’s hand, giving it a light squeeze, and said,
“Okay, Taeyeon, be creepy.”
Taeyeon smiled. “You know the great thing about nightclubs like Night? It’s a whole other
world. We don’t know each other, but we can get to know each other. You can talk to me
because you need someone to talk to, and I can listen to you because I want to hear what’s
going on in your mind. And then we can go back into our other, separate worlds, feeling less
empty.”
They watched each other quietly, and Tiffany slowly let go of Taeyeon’s hand. She leaned
against the bar again, with her back to it this time, and held her drink as she watched the
other people in the club with feigned interest to make it seem like Taeyeon’s words had not
affected her in the slightest. She was aware of Taeyeon beside her, ordering a drink from
the bartender, and sipped her own drink as she glanced at the girl from the corner of her
eye. A new smile was on Taeyeon’s face.
Here Tiffany was, in some random nightclub in a part of town she did not know, talking to
an overly friendly stranger, about to open up about the bleeding of her heart. She gulped
down the rest of her drink, set the glass down on the bar, and turned to Taeyeon.
“Okay, Taeyeon,” she said firmly. “We’re in that whole other world now, right? Well, I feel
like love is not as great as people think. It hurts, and it lies, and it changes. There’s nothing
there in the end.”
Taeyeon regarded her quietly for a moment, her expression serious.
“You’re right.”
Tiffany blinked. She was used to people telling her it wasn’t like that and that she would feel
better soon. “What?”
“You’re right,” Taeyeon repeated, giving her a small smile. “Love is not as great as many
people think it is. It is wonderful and it is agonizing, and sometimes it does go away and
sometimes it was never really there. But that is also the nature of life, and that doesn’t
automatically stop us from living. Love hurts but we don’t stop loving.”
[24]

Tiffany frowned. “But I want to stop. I don’t want to be in this place anymore, Taeyeon.”
She felt the tears well up in her eyes as her walls crumbled in the middle of Night. “I don’t
want to be hurt like this again.”
Taeyeon stepped closer, and put her hand gently on Tiffany’s shoulder. “No one wants to be
hurt, Tiffany. I said love is like life, but there’s one difference. When you die, it’s impossible
to be brought back to life. But when love has died and you feel like you’ve died with it, you
can be loved back to life.”
Tiffany just stared at Taeyeon. The atmosphere of the bar slowly crept back into her
awareness, the heavy music thudding in her head, the happy drunken people’s shouts and
laughter assaulting her ears, the heat of so many bodies in one space smothering her. She
felt Taeyeon’s hand squeeze her shoulder and saw the caring look in her eyes.
“Do you need some fresh air?” she asked kindly. “We can go outside. Or you can. I promise I
won’t try anything.” She grinned sheepishly.
Tiffany smiled faintly at the look on Taeyeon’s face. “No, it’s okay. I mean, I’m not afraid of
you, Taeyeon. Let’s – Let’s go outside for a while.”
The cold night air was a relief, washing over her and making it easier to breathe.
Goosebumps rose on the skin of her bare arms and she thought of her jacket, lying
discarded in her car because she had known it would be warm in the nightclub. She was still
aware of Taeyeon beside her, as they stood outside the building in companionable silence,
listening to the muffled sounds from the nightclub and the distant noise of passing cars.
Feeling Taeyeon’s eyes on her, Tiffany turned to face her. She was looking thoughtfully at
the way Tiffany hugged herself to keep warm and it made Tiffany wonder if the girl was
about to offer her own thin jacket.
“Is it really possible to be loved back to life when love hurts?” Tiffany asked quietly.
Taeyeon’s eyes moved to meet hers, and a gentle smile appeared on her lips. “That’s just
how love is. It’s incredibly complex, yet so simple; hurtful, yet healing; and absolutely,
utterly ridiculous. Yes, love can bring you back to life when love has killed you.”
“I find that hard to believe,” Tiffany replied, sighing. “Thanks for trying to make me feel
better, Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon raised her eyebrows. “I know it’s hard to believe. That doesn’t make it impossible.”
The doors of the nightclub opened and a gaggle of people burst out, laughing uncontrollably
with each other. Taeyeon and Tiffany made room for them to pass. After she watched the
group stagger along the street, Tiffany turned her attention back to the girl beside her and
chuckled bitterly.

[25]

“Forgive me for thinking your opinion is a bit naïve,” she said. “I guess I just can’t believe it
no matter how possible it may be.”
Taeyeon just smiled silently. She slipped her hands into her pockets and tilted her head back
to stare at the dark, empty sky above them, where the stars would have been visible were it
not for the so-called light pollution of the city. She took a deep breath, and let it all out in a
sigh.
“You know what?” she murmured, closing her eyes. “Those stars up there are exactly what I
mean. The stars are always shining but we don’t see them until it’s very, very dark. If we’re
in a place like this where they’re hard to see, then we need to change our position. And if
we don’t look up at the sky, we never even stand a chance of seeing them.”
She opened her eyes and looked at Tiffany.
“Do you get what I mean? When you’re hurting like this, that’s when you can see what love
really is, but you have to look at what’s there.”
Tiffany blinked and craned her neck to look up at the sky. She remembered what it was like
to see the stars, glittering and mysterious and beautiful, so far away and yet feeling so easy
to reach at any moment. It had been a long time since she had seen the stars, and she
wondered if they were still there.
“I miss them,” she murmured absently. “I miss seeing the stars, Taeyeon.”
A gentle hand touched hers, warmth entwining with her fingers, and she turned her head to
see Taeyeon’s smile.
“Come with me, Tiffany,” she said. “Let me show you the stars.”
Standing on a hill outside of the city and holding hands with Taeyeon as they looked at the
bright galaxy above them, Tiffany thought that perhaps it was just because she had been in
another world that she was now feeling so light, and soft, and content. She almost didn’t
recognise the feeling anymore. But her burden had been lifted, no longer pressing down on
her shoulders, and that somebody she used to know no longer had a place in her mind’s eye.
Instead, she turned her gaze to Taeyeon, who quietly, peacefully stood beside her. That
night, she saw the stars again, she saw life again, and she saw love.
___________________________________________________________________________

[26]

Ne Me Quitte Pas
_________________________________________________________________________________

The rain beating on the windows made no difference to the dry feeling in the air, the
staleness and emptiness that crept along its path into Tiffany’s heart. The sun could have
been shining and it would not have warmed her to her bones, icy from the words that
moved like a blizzard’s wind.
Words like love, pain, tears, break, agony, passion, devotion, despair, love, love, love. Always
love, thrown into every space, pushed and prodded into places it was not going of its own
accord.
Her sight became locked on the lips that spurred the storm; they moved with the body they
belonged to, away from her, back and forth, momentarily blocked by hands that swept over
them to dry the strained out tears. Idly, she wondered how long this would go on for. Her
heart was tired and no longer felt like moving.
“I’m so hurt.”
The phrase had been said before, and would be said again, with its own hope that time
would grant it meaning again.
“Why do we keep going on like this, Tiffany?”
Reasons had shown themselves briefly before sinking away, behind some haze that made it
hard to focus, difficult to see through again. There was a reason they kept going, and there
was a reason feeling fell away with each step.
The storm stopped. With an exhalation of human breath, the tension was no longer
prodding at her, and the dry air slackened and fell.
“You can’t even say anything anymore,” a resigned voice noted, quietly, emotionlessly.
Stating a fact.
“Look at me.” The whisper arrived.
Tiffany noticed, absently, her gaze was on the window, watching the rain drops run along
the transparent glass. The air had lifted with the whisper of simple words.
“Look at me.”
Fingers that were cold at their tips brushed against her chin, taking a gentle hold to guide
her sight. She met the eyes that traced her face; saw the twisting spark of inconstant
desperation, the continuously fluctuating presence of those feelings.
The kiss had some warmth. It gave a tingle to her lips, not unlike pins and needles from
trying to move something that had been still for far too long.

[27]

“Let’s just forget the past. Start again,” Taeyeon said.
Her gaze was soft, but empty. It was a rote response. Forget, again, forget.
“I will give you everything,” Taeyeon whispered, her lips moving to brush along Tiffany’s
cheek as her fingers stayed on her chin. “I will do anything for you. Until after my death, I
will show you the world that is yours by my love.”
Her other hand traced the line of Tiffany’s jaw, the touch sending a thrill through Tiffany’s
body similar to the reaction to a speedily fluttering moth nearby.
“There is always hope.” Taeyeon’s hand stroked her hair so softly she barely felt it. “It’s
never too late.”
The kiss happened again, harder, pressing the tingle to her lips. The pins and needles rippled
until they faded, and she was left with nothing.
“I shouldn’t ask why,” said Taeyeon. “It always ruins everything.”
Tiffany’s arms moved mechanically; she didn’t realise that she wanted to spread her hands
over Taeyeon’s shoulder blades and push her closer until the action had been automated.
The lips met hers again, lacking the tingling of feeling, but the kiss moved and shifted and
stirred in search of fire in the darkness.
Her fingers clawed down Taeyeon’s back, tightening. She gripped the cotton fabric and tried
to grab onto what she used to find in the person before her.
“This has happened before,” Taeyeon muttered. “But it didn’t last. You understand that,
right? Just because it seems hopeless doesn’t mean we won’t recover again.”
The salt of Taeyeon’s tears gave flavour to her lips, and the shakiness of her breathing gave
trembles to the kiss. They kept kissing, touching, pressing against each other, for those
glimpses of sparks, the haphazard feelings that they found and lost and found again with
their movements.
It frustrated Tiffany now and again, deep down where clarity played games with her. There
was something there, in her heart, where Taeyeon used to be stapled. It flickered, and
disappeared and reappeared, and she could never be sure what it was. She thought she
knew love.
The rain continued its beat on the window, trying to make something out of a mystery,
falling from the sky to reach the earth without reason.
“Don’t leave me.”
__________________________________________________________________________________

[28]

Rêveur
(there is a tomorrow)
__________________________________________________________________________________

Even after making the decision to grab Tiffany’s hand and pull her away from the altar,
Taeyeon found herself still in her white-cushioned seat, her insides quivering and her palms
sweating in clenched fists. Her gaze was fused to Tiffany’s veiled face, trying to trace her
familiar beloved features, trying to spot the tears wetting her soft skin. Taeyeon knew
Tiffany was going to cry. They had talked about it three days earlier, holding each other and
hoping time would no longer pass.
“I’ll be a mess,” Tiffany had said matter-of-factly. “They’ll have to scoop me out of an ocean
of tears when they try to give me to him.”
Taeyeon let her eyes slip to the floor beneath Tiffany’s feet, imagining a puddle there. A
small voice in the back of her mind gave a faint laugh of half-hearted amusement at the
thought, and she finally admitted to herself that it was time to hurry up and do what
needed to be done.
The droning voice of the preacher was muffled in Taeyeon’s ears as her heartbeat shook her
whole body. She clenched her eyes shut and took deep breaths, earning some concerned
glances from those around her, before her eyelids flickered open and she locked her stare
on Tiffany’s face again.
Taeyeon tripped over her own chair and three others in her row, accidentally hit an old lady
with the purse dangling from her flailing arm, and more or less shoved Tiffany off balance,
but somehow she managed to get a grip on Tiffany’s hand – albeit it a clammy grip – and
yanked her along on a stumbling, bumbling run out of the church.
Tiffany’s wedding dress rustled loudly as they ran. It was the only sound in the church
besides their laboured breathing, until they heard the voice of Tiffany’s father booming
“What the-” and then that was cut off as they reached the outside world. Taeyeon tried to
run across the gravel in her heels without twisting her ankles, but Tiffany didn’t waste such
time and kicked them off immediately, ignoring Taeyeon’s concerned look at her bare feet
on the stones.
“It’s really not important right now, Taeyeon,” she gasped as they sped across the ground.
They hit the pavement, reaching the deserted street, and came to a sudden halt. Taeyeon
tried to catch her breath, and Tiffany did the same while tugging her veil off her head with
her free hand. Taeyeon looked down at their interlaced fingers and couldn’t stop the smile
that reached her lips. It had seemed impossible to hold hands with Tiffany ever again.

[29]

Tiffany briefly attempted the impossible task of making her dress manageable for running
and hurriedly glanced over her shoulder at the church. Very soon, some rather unhappy
people would storm out of that small building. She turned her head and met Taeyeon’s gaze.
Time seemed to slow for a moment as she saw Taeyeon’s smile and felt the gentle squeeze
on her hand. She took a deep breath. For a moment, everything seemed as close to perfect
as it had ever been.
Then the doors of the church slammed open. Taeyeon and Tiffany didn’t look in that
direction, taking off immediately, heading to the nearest corner and skidding around it.
Taeyeon let her shoes drop off her feet as she scuffled, and picked up the pace. They flew
down the street, feeling the pressure on their lungs, the fluid movement of their limbs, and
the strange grins that spread across their faces as they made it further and further away.
They rounded another corner and Taeyeon spotted a bus that was coming towards them.
She tugged on Tiffany’s hand and pointed down the street, then waved at the bus to signal it
when they were almost at the bus stop.
It was a scramble to find some money, while Tiffany continued to glance in the direction
they came from, as they stood in front of the tactfully silent bus driver. Finally Taeyeon
found her money squashed in the corners of her purse, and they settled down in the very
back of the empty bus. Taeyeon peered through the windscreen ahead as the bus started
moving, eyeing the suited men who were sprinting down the street. As the bus passed them,
she kept her eyes on them through the side windows, and was very happy when they did
not even spare a glance at the scuffed old bus that tottered along the street.
She met Tiffany’s stare again, and felt a feeling spread through her being that sent tingles
through her nerve-endings as those warm eyes curved.
Taeyeon and Tiffany were free. Freedom involved intertwining their fingers, and holding
each other in a lengthy embrace, and sharing a kiss while grinning like maniacs.
And as it turned out, freedom also involved sitting on a low wall outside of the bus centre
building in their formal attire, avoiding the strange looks they received, and flicking through
a map of bus routes while dipping fries into tomato sauce and swaying their bare feet back
and forth.
“How about here?” Taeyeon suggested, pointing at a blue dot.
Tiffany shook her head. “Too close. And we’ve gone there before, so they might think to
look there.”
Taeyeon brought the map closer to her face again, intently examining each line and dot.
Tiffany watched her, a faint smile on her face, before taking another one of the fries. She
dipped the tip in the tomato sauce and held it up, using it to poke at Taeyeon’s lips.

[30]

Taeyeon took a bite of it without looking away from the map, pretending to stay straightfaced when she felt like beaming. Tiffany laughed at her attempt to stay cool, which was
foiled by the pleased blush that had appeared on her cheeks, and she finished the rest of
the fries by herself. She leaned on Taeyeon, wrapped her arms around the petite body, and
closed her eyes with a happy sigh as they shared warmth in the slowly fading sunlight.
“You know what,” Tiffany said suddenly, without opening her eyes or stirring at all, “let’s
just get on any random bus going out of the city. Don’t look at the name of the route or any
indication of the destination.”
Some nearby buses rumbled to life. Taeyeon considered the proposal for a moment. Then
she neatly folded the map and tossed it onto the ground beside them nonchalantly.
“Let’s go!”
Upon reaching their destination – a small indiscriminate town far, far away – in the middle
of the night, Taeyeon and Tiffany were well aware of their bare feet, and the lack of
coverage provided by their formal dresses. They stood, shivering, at the bus stop, and gazed
around at the darkness that now surrounded them.
With a sigh, Taeyeon squinted down the street at some distant lit-up signs.
“Hotel Rêvasser. Well, the name is French…What does that sound like to you; shady or
fancy?”
Tiffany’s teeth chattered as she followed the direction of Taeyeon’s eyes. “Could be either,
really. How much money do we have?”
A brief flick through the notes and coins in Taeyeon’s collection and a grimace when
presenting her credit card left them with thoughtfully pursed lips. They shared a glance.
“Shady or not, let’s take a gamble.”
“Do you think they sell socks?”
They discussed which kinds of socks they would like to get as they made their way down the
street. It was a quiet night, and they held hands as they strolled, casual despite the pressing
cold air and unfamiliar surrounds. They didn’t contemplate much further than that.
The hotel, as it turned out, was not shady but it was not exactly fancy either. It was small,
cosy, and clearly not high-end. Taeyeon flicked out her credit card. Tiffany yawned, politely
hiding her mouth with her hand. The desk clerk took half a look at the wedding dress and
bare feet and popped a bubble with his gum, blinking slowly.
“Just the one night?” he asked.

[31]

Taeyeon glanced at Tiffany, who raised her eyebrows in response. They both shrugged, and
turned back to the desk clerk.
“Let’s make it two nights for now,” said Taeyeon, and he nodded in response.
The mini fridge had little packets of nuts in it – mixed peanuts and almonds – and a few tiny
cans of different flavoured soda. Taeyeon huffed and pouted, considering her options
before grabbing a diet soda and flicking the door of the mini fridge shut while she got up. As
she popped the top, the bathroom door opened and she turned to see Tiffany stepping out
with her head covered by a towel.
“Should we just skip dinner? I’m exhausted and we don’t really have any money,” Tiffany
said, voice muffled by the towel until she lowered it and sighed.
Taeyeon was grinning at her, soda halfway to her mouth. Tiffany raised an eyebrow.
They had decided to push the credit limit on Taeyeon’s overused card just a little more with
two shirts from the souvenir shop in the hotel, which the clerk kindly opened for them
without question. Tiffany’s grey extra -large was meant to cover as much of her as it could.
The edge reached to just above mid-thigh, and this fact made Taeyeon very appreciative of
the shirt, which also had ‘rêveur dans un rêverie’ written in the perfect position on Tiffany’s
chest.
Tiffany rolled her eyes and flung the towel onto Taeyeon’s head, covering her. Taeyeon
yelped and started struggling with it.
“Fany!” she whined. “I almost spilled my soda!”
“You weren’t listening,” Tiffany copied her whining voice. “I said we should skip dinner. Are
there even any restaurants that deliver this late at night?”
Taeyeon tossed the towel away, shrugging, and finally took a sip of her soda. “We probably
could’ve found something. But you’re right; I’m not really hungry either. Let’s just go to bed.”
“Yeah,” Tiffany yawned. She felt Taeyeon’s eyes on her again as she made her way over to
the bed, and added, “Let’s sleep.”
She heard Taeyeon sigh and mumble incoherently, bringing a smile to her face as she
climbed into bed. She fluffed her pillows intently before settling on her back and letting her
muscles relax, sighing contentedly. Out of the corner of her half-closed eyes, she watched
Taeyeon move around the room, picking up the towel she discarded and hanging it tidily on
the towel rack, finishing off her soda in a quick gulp and tossing the can in the recycling bin,
folding their dresses neatly over the back of the small armchair. Her new shirt, white with a
charcoal-style sketch of a lion on the back, covered her a bit more than Tiffany’s, its edge
almost brushing against her knees.
[32]

Finally, she was done. She turned off the main light at the switch by the door, and the room
was plunged into darkness. Tiffany moved to flick on the bedside lamp, but before she got
to it Taeyeon already bumped into something and hissed a curse. She limped towards the
bed when the dim lamp shed some light, and her pout made Tiffany giggle.
“Don’t laugh,” Taeyeon complained. Her feet were cold against Tiffany’s legs as they tangled
together under the blanket.
Tiffany just beamed at her. It didn’t take long for Taeyeon’s pout to turn into a smile, her
frowning brow clearing. She reached over and turned off the lamp. They wrapped their arms
around each other, pressing together, and adjusted to the warmth.
“I had a really good day today,” Tiffany mumbled into Taeyeon’s shoulder.
Taeyeon laughed briefly, muffled by Tiffany’s shirt. “You make it sound like we just went on
a picnic date or something.”
Tiffany shifted her leg slightly into a more comfortable position, thigh over Taeyeon’s hip,
and wiggled a little. “Well it wasn’t exactly a conventional date, no, but I quite enjoyed it in
the end.”
“Good,” Taeyeon murmured. She moved her arm so that she could stroke the back of
Tiffany’s neck with one hand. “I love you.”
There was silence for a while as Tiffany tried to fight off drowsiness for a while longer, and
then she muttered, “I love you too,” and fell asleep. Taeyeon grinned widely, trying not to
laugh out loud, and squeezed Tiffany one last time before closing her eyes. She dozed off
with the smile still on her face.
Tiffany briefly woke a short while later and murmured, half-asleep, “We forgot to buy socks.”
Taeyeon just grunted, still asleep. They both settled into their dreaming again.
In the morning, Taeyeon was the first to wake. Tiffany’s soft snores hummed against her ear,
and she bit back a smile. Tiffany would get annoyed if Taeyeon brought this up in
conversation later, as she always did, but she did so enjoy teasing Tiffany about her snoring.
While Tiffany considered it one of her unattractive traits, Taeyeon found it absolutely
adorable and it made her want to squeal and squish Tiffany in a tight hug.
Tiffany snorted suddenly, turning her head away, and shifted her body. Her mouth fell open
slightly, turning her snores into measured breathing. Taeyeon watched her, lips curved. The
sight of Tiffany fast in a deep sleep was the best way to start the day. And she could think of
a few ways to carry on the goodness, too.

[33]

She rolled her body on top of Tiffany’s, letting her muscles go loose so she pressed down
onto her with all her weight. She counted down in her head – 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 – before Tiffany
jerked awake and yelped, “Bwa wha? What the – Taeyeon?”
Taeyeon laughed, and pushed her palms against the mattress on both sides of Tiffany as she
raised herself. She gave Tiffany a quick peck on the cheek, and then on the lips, and said,
“Good morning!”
“Ugh, I told you not to wake me up like that anymore,” Tiffany whined, giving Taeyeon a
slap on the butt with one hand, and then she rubbed her own face as she woke up more.
“I’m gonna get a heart attack one of these days.”
“Mmm,” Taeyeon replied, kissing the soft skin just under Tiffany’s chin a few times.
Tiffany stretched a little, muscles thrumming with the move, before settling into the bed
and sighing. “What time is it.”
“I dunno,” Taeyeon answered disinterestedly. Her lips brushed over Tiffany’s skin, took hold
of the curve of her jaw. “It’s morning.”
“I can see that,” Tiffany stated. She circled her arms around Taeyeon’s petite waist, pulling
her closer.
“Well then,” Taeyeon said.
She kissed Tiffany full on the mouth, slowly and intently stroking every millimetre of her lips
with her own. The sound of their breathing was interrupted briefly by the creaking of the
bed as Taeyeon shifted her hips, and it made them both giggle.
“Shall we,” Taeyeon tugged at Tiffany’s bottom lip, “dance, milady?” Her hand brushed over
Tiffany’s hip, moving up along the side of her torso, stroking her ribs.
Tiffany rolled her eyes, slipped her hands under Taeyeon’s shirt and said, “That was so lame.
You suck.”
They moved slightly, and Taeyeon grinned widely at her remark. “Yes, I certainly do.” She
winked, causing Tiffany to burst into laughter and tug her body closer.
“Well then,” she whispered, and kissed Taeyeon.
Tiffany was dancing as she brushed her teeth when Taeyeon stepped out of the shower
later. Their eyes met in the mirror and Taeyeon wore a heavily judgemental expression
while Tiffany shot her a tooth-paste smirk and poked her tongue at her.
“And you call me a dork,” Taeyeon scoffed, raising her nose in the air because she was
clearly more dignified. She started to wrap the towel around herself, and then she suddenly

[34]

pounced on Tiffany from behind and enclosed her in the towel too, like a blanket over their
shoulders.
Tiffany exclaimed, “Hey!” and immediately struggled against Taeyeon’s hold, making her
laugh evilly. “You’re getting my shirt all wet!”
Taeyeon nipped at Tiffany’s earlobe and gave her a satisfied nod in the mirror’s reflection.
“All is well with the world, then.”
Tiffany let out a brief laugh. She finished brushing her teeth and bent forward to wash out
her mouth, Taeyeon still latched on to her back. When they straightened up again, Tiffany
sighed wearily as if she was cursed forever, and Taeyeon kissed her on the neck. She pushed
her chin into Tiffany’s shoulder and stared at her as if she was examining Tiffany from a
hiding place.
For a while, they watched themselves in the mirror. Tiffany started to sway them side to
side, leaning her head on top of Taeyeon’s.
“I can’t believe we did it,” Taeyeon murmured. “We finally got away from those people.”
Tiffany closed her eyes. “Yeah. I can’t believe it either. And what are we going to do now?
We can’t go back, but we don’t have any clothes or money or a place to live. We need to tell
our bosses we’re not coming back, and we need to get new jobs wherever we settle.”
Taeyeon smiled. She closed her eyes too, and she pressed her mouth against Tiffany’s
shoulder. “We’re going to settle somewhere.”
“First things first,” Tiffany said, her tone professional. It was time to make things happen.
“We should call our friends, and our bosses. And you should call your landlord. Let’s get
things sorted out back there, and then we’ll take a look around town, shall we?”
Taeyeon let go of Tiffany, and started to dry herself with the towel. “Let’s.”
It took them half the day just to attempt the first step of the plan. Their friends were,
understandably, under the impression that they had gone nuts and their plan was
impossible. After much discussion, during which at one point they were asked if they were
on drugs because they sounded so calm, their friends grudgingly accepted the situation and
agreed to help them tie up loose ends. Taeyeon’s landlord was not impressed with her
declaration of abandonment, but since she arranged to have her things moved into a
storage facility by a friend, he had no choice but to let her go. Their bosses, on the other
hand, were absolutely furious and threatened to sue. When those calls ended, they put the
phones down – Taeyeon’s cell phone and the hotel phone for Tiffany – and decided to avoid
thinking about that for the moment.
“I suppose one day we will have to go back after all,” Taeyeon mused. “I’ll need to go sell all
my things in person, I can’t possibly ask anyone else to do that.”
[35]

Tiffany sighed heavily, and threw herself backwards onto the bed. “I guess. I’m kinda glad I
was still living with my parents. Okay, now we need to sort out some clothes. We can’t go
out in shirts or formal dresses. How are we supposed to get some clothes, and with what
money?”
Taeyeon flopped down beside her, and they stared up at the ceiling.
“Let’s max out my credit card,” she suggested. “And that’s my only idea. Lol.”
Tiffany cringed. “Please don’t start speaking in text language again. It was painful enough
the first time you did it.”
Taeyeon just shrugged and smiled. They lay together in silence, thoughts drifting into
blissful emptiness. After a while, Tiffany’s breathing became laced with a hint of a snore,
and Taeyeon turned her head to see her sleeping. She quietly got off the bed and grabbed a
towel to wrap around her waist. Wearing the shirt and towel, she gave her hair a quick runthrough with her fingers and snuck towards the door. Tiffany wouldn’t be keen on the idea
of Taeyeon going out in just a towel and shirt, but they needed clothes so Taeyeon took her
chance to look like a weirdo.
She did max out her credit card, as per suggestion, and she brought back a mediocre supply
of shorts and shirts and two pairs of sandals after chickening out and ducking into the
souvenir shop instead of going in search of a real clothes store like she intended to. The
hotel clerk was not at all fazed by her appearance and gave her a discount on the clothes,
most likely out of pity.
Tiffany was playing a game on Taeyeon’s phone when she entered the room, and she barely
glanced up to acknowledge her when the clothes were dumped next to her on the bed.
“You’re going to use up all my battery,” Taeyeon observed. She slipped off the towel and
grabbed a pair of shorts. “I don’t have a charger.”
Tiffany shrugged. “Least of our worries, tbh.”
Taeyeon froze with one leg still in the air. “Wow. You’re right, it is painful.”
“Ikr,” Tiffany said. She finished her game and tossed the phone onto the mattress, then
started picking through the clothes. “This is what you got? You went all James Bond secret
super-spy on me just to go to the souvenir shop downstairs and get unfashionable, ill-fitting
atrocities with cheesy one-liners on them?”
Taeyeon zipped up her shorts and nodded. “Yep. That’s why you love me.”
Tiffany eyed the way Taeyeon’s too-big shirt was caught in the zip and sighed. “Yep. That’s
why I love you.”

[36]

“Still wanna go check out the town?” Taeyeon asked over her shoulder as she went to get
another soda out of the mini fridge. “Hey, wait… did you eat all the nuts while I was out?”
“Maybe,” Tiffany mumbled.
“Maybe what?” Taeyeon looked at her. “Maybe you still want to check out the town or
maybe you ate all the nuts while I was out?”
“Meh,” Tiffany responded, rolling around on the bed. “What’s with all the questions, geez. Is
it illegal to eat nuts now. Come on, help me choose an ugly shirt and we’ll go check out the
town.”
There was a hiss as Taeyeon cracked open a can of soda. She took a sip as she stepped over
to the bed. With two fingers, she picked up a shirt, draped it neatly over Tiffany’s head, and
stepped back to admire the look.
“And that,” Taeyeon concluded, “is why I love you.”
They took note of the memorable points in the area around the hotel so that they didn’t get
lost as they wandered idly down the street. Tiffany fidgeted with her clothes for a while,
trying to make them look at least a bit cute, and laced her fingers with Taeyeon’s as they
looked around.
“Let’s spend the last of my cash on ice cream,” Taeyeon suggested, eyes twinkling as she
gazed at an ice cream shop further ahead. “I think it’s a good investment for our future.”
“Help, my lover is a five year old,” Tiffany muttered. “Hey, you forgot to get socks earlier.
Again.”
“Meh,” Taeyeon responded, and dragged her into the ice cream store.
Taeyeon’s hands were sticky from ice cream residue when they left the store, and her
pockets lighter, but they held hands anyway as they continued their exploration.
“So, what are our criteria for a settling-down place?” Taeyeon asked. “Big town, small town,
nice people, mean people, many clothing stores, many options for random fun, places to
work, places to sleep?”
“Big, nice, many, many, yes, yes,” Tiffany answered absently, craning her head to look
further up ahead. “Does that look like an ATM to you?”
“Yeah but we can’t do anything with an ATM,” Taeyeon said.
“No, but an ATM means a bank and a bank means my bank account.”
“Uh, maybe. If it’s the right bank. And you have no identification.”
“Just watch,” Tiffany replied, and she pulled Taeyeon along to the bank.
[37]

It took some negotiating, and a phone call to the branch in their home town where Tiffany
knew the branch manager personally, but eventually she was granted access and
immediately transferred all of her money to Taeyeon’s bank account. They withdrew some
cash and left the bank with smiles on their faces.
Tiffany swung their arms as they walked, looking undeniably pleased with herself.
“Now we can really get the plan into action,” she said happily.
“And go back for more ice cream,” Taeyeon added, steering them in that direction.
“Honestly, since when is one cone enough for a fully grown adult human.”
“Fully grown adult,” Tiffany echoed blankly.
“Yes,” Taeyeon said. “Yes, fully grown. Adult. Thanks for saving us from my broke-ness, by
the way. I knew having a rich girlfriend would come with some benefits once the overcontrolling parents were out of the way.”
“Mmhm,” Tiffany answered. She was eyeing a nearby clothes store with perceptible
eagerness. “Let’s ditch the ice cream for now and go get some real clothes.”
Hours later, they trudged back to the hotel, laden with bags and their stomachs full junk
food. They checked out the other hotels on the street, which was clearly the tourism centre
of the town, as they passed, and criticized their options.
“What would you rank our current hotel?” Taeyeon asked, shifting a bag to her other hand.
“Three out of five. The mini fridge only had a few nuts and sodas in it, and they don’t even
do room service. I mean hello? That’s just unacceptable.”
“I quite like it, though,” Taeyeon said. “The clerk is nice. Did I tell you he gave me a discount
on the clothes? And he didn’t even check you out when you were in your dress. A man
needs a lot of self-control or homosexuality to keep from openly gawking at your physical
assets.”
“That’s where the three comes from – and because he didn’t check you out either – and
they lose two for lack of food.”
“How about that place we saw on the corner? It looks pretty luxurious, and now that we
have your piles and piles of money safely in our possession, we could totally go rock-star on
their honeymoon suite.”
Tiffany snorted as she slid their hotel card key through its slot. “Somehow I can’t imagine
you willingly breaking other people’s possessions for absolutely no reason.”
Taeyeon pouted, following her into their room. “I totally could. I’m really badass, you know.
Well, you do know, you’ve slept with me.”
[38]

Tiffany laughed briefly. She dumped her bags onto the bed and turned to cup Taeyeon’s
cheek with one hand. “Oh, honey. Let’s not go there.”
Taeyeon gasped. “What is that supposed to mean!”
Tiffany grinned and kissed her on the lips sweetly. “Hush now, baby. Let’s try on our new
clothes.”
Much later, as they curled up with each other in bed, Taeyeon turned her head so that her
face was no longer pressed into Tiffany’s chest and she whispered, “By the way, you snored
last night.”
“I did not!”
“Did too.”
“Did not!”
“Did too. And that’s why I love you.”
“Pfft! Don’t even try that with me, buster. You don’t love me for my snore.” She tried to
squirm away from Taeyeon, but was locked in a tight embrace.
“Yes I do,” Taeyeon whispered happily. “I love your snore very, very much.”
“Ugh, you are insufferable,” Tiffany grumbled. They cuddled closer, drifting off in their
warmth and comfort with each other, and Taeyeon was almost asleep again when she heard
Tiffany whisper, “And that’s why I love you.”
She turned her head again; keeping her eyes closed, and murmured, “I like this. Let’s settle
here.”
“Await the results of my thorough analysis,” Tiffany said immediately. “Then we’ll talk. Now
go to sleep.”
Taeyeon complied, after giving Tiffany a quick kiss in the dark.
They ended their first full day of freedom contented, as dreamers finally in the dream they
had been dreaming for so long.

___________________________________________________________________________

[39]

The Monster
__________________________________________________________________________________

“This is not what I wanted.”
Tiffany leaned back against the grey brick wall, relying on its harshness against the thin
fabric of her clothes. With her eyes squinted slightly to fend off the icy, biting breeze, she
glowered at the building on the other side of the street.
“I didn’t want this.”
She ran a hand through her hair, feeling the way the strands fell again to brush against her
pale, cold neck. A sigh racked through her chest. Her eyes slipped shut.
“But I guess this is what the monster wants.”
She laughed a brief, bitter sound. And with a single sudden push, she moved on, crossed the
street, and entered the building.
“Morning, Tiffany,” greeted the first voice of the day. Her lips cracked, shaped a smile which
she knew seemed charming and friendly, and she half-bowed half-nodded in reply. The
process continued; greetings bled out from her as she made her way along.
“Aren’t you cold?”
Her body swivelled, her blank eyes met the curious gaze of another. “What?”
Taeyeon gestured in the general direction of the outside world. “It’s cold today. You’re
barely wearing anything suitable for this weather. Aren’t you cold?”
Tiffany blinked. Her eyes curved as her cheeks did too, giving the most disarming and
relaxing smile she could. “Oh, I’m fine.”
Taeyeon’s gaze was sharp, and assertive. She didn’t buy it. She never did. No matter how
many of any smiles Tiffany whipped out, no matter how much it seemed true, Taeyeon
knew Tiffany’s monster, and she showed that she had one of her own behind those eyes.
Tiffany turned and walked away.
“I know you think I’m crazy,” she had said once, “You can call me crazy all you want, but
that’s nothing. I’m just friends with my monster, that’s all.”
And there was only ever silence in answer.
“Stop holding your breath, Taeyeon. You can’t save me.”
There was always someone waiting for her when she left the building. Many people, in fact.
A small crowd stood off to one side, gawking and whispering and sounding shocked to be in
[40]

her presence. She could almost hear their hearts racing from where they stood. Then there
were the two or three who stood on the other side of the street, boring into her with dark
stares from wide eyes. They were the ones who would be waiting for her at her apartment
building by the time she got there. One of them would be in the row of cars that always
hugged the back of her vehicle.
That would make the monster grin and puff its chest proudly. Look at this, it would say, look
at my subjects worshipping me. It would strut around like she did when she was on stage.
The stage was the monster’s kingdom. They love me, it would whisper, they all love me.
She flashed her fans a beaming smile and slammed the car door shut after her.
The key was jammed into the ignition and she tugged at the seatbelt with one hand, and
then the front passenger door clicked open and Taeyeon flopped into the seat. She gave a
wave outside and shut the door. In the muffled stillness in the car, Tiffany didn’t move as
she looked at Taeyeon questioningly.
Taeyeon took a breath before meeting her eyes. She smiled. “Hi. Wanna have dinner
tonight?”
“Not particularly, no,” Tiffany replied. She buckled her seatbelt and turned the key.
“Aw come on, just for a while,” Taeyeon persisted.
Tiffany looked at her again, frowning. Was that a glint she saw in the corner of Taeyeon’s
eyes? Was she up to something mischievous again? Or was this just the familiar paranoia
that trailed in her monster’s wake. She sighed.
“Fine, whatever,” she conceded. “Where?”
“At your place,” Taeyeon said as she buckled her own seatbelt.
Tiffany blinked, surprised. “I doubt I’ll have anything to cook with. You wanna pick
something up on the way?”
“Nah, it’s fine, I’m sure we can dig something up at your place,” Taeyeon said, turning her
eyes to look in the side mirror. “Let’s go before they try to take advantage of your unmoving
car.”
Tiffany scoffed, but she eyed the people outside and drove the car onto the street. She
knew Taeyeon thought a lot more about the chance that one of those twinkle-eyed fans
would lash out in a manner more harmful than their intention, and even though Tiffany
knew the risks well enough, she didn’t let it bother her all the time like Taeyeon did.
Perhaps her sedation came from the monster’s pacing, back and forth behind her gaze.

[41]

At the red light, Tiffany let the car slow to a stop, and she curled her hand on the gear shift
in anticipation of moving again soon. She didn’t like driving a lot, in the sense that it wasn’t
something that entertained her, and something about the boringness of it all just got to her.
Impatience bubbled away inside her as she listened to the imaginary sound of seconds
ticking away in her head. She sighed.
Taeyeon reached for her hand, fingertips lightly and slowly tracing the ridges of her knuckles.
“How have you been lately?” she asked, and her voice was as soft as her touch. “We haven’t
talked in a while.”
“I’m fine,” she replied curtly, eyes drilling a hole into the robotic red light ahead. “Busy, as
usual.”
“Yes, I’ve been hearing a lot about your work,” Taeyeon said.
Tiffany glanced at her and saw the small smile that curved the corner of her mouth. She
turned her head back to the light. Taeyeon’s hand moved, sliding along Tiffany’s skin to
twine their fingers together loosely.
“You always work so hard,” Taeyeon murmured, switching her gaze to Tiffany’s face, eyeing
the line of her jaw.
Tiffany made a small sound of acknowledgement in the back of her throat. The light
flickered to green, and she shook away Taeyeon’s hand so that she could change gears
faster.
“How about you?” Tiffany asked.
“How about me what?” Taeyeon returned, her head back and her eyes closed.
“Taeyeon, you can’t expect people to tell you how they’re doing and then be unwilling to
grant them the same courtesy. How are you?”
One shoulder shrugged half-heartedly. “I’m fine. I’m just the same old Taeyeon.”
Tiffany had no reply to that. She wasn’t so sure. In many ways, Taeyeon was still the same
Taeyeon she had known for so many years, who could see right through her into the core of
her soul and had done so many times already, but she knew something was different, and if
it wasn’t Taeyeon then it had to be something about the connection between them. She
knew Taeyeon liked her in a way that was nowhere near as simple as that word made it
seem. There was a complexity that there didn’t always used to be. Several layers deep
within their relationship, where the monster had not yet been able to reach, Taeyeon was
doing something new. And perhaps at times Tiffany got a slight fluttering feeling that it
could be exciting, too.

[42]

But, as always, there was the monster. And a change in the connection she had with
Taeyeon would not be appreciated by the monster at all. Tiffany saw very little space
between herself and that monster, and it had been so for a long time before Taeyeon.
Taeyeon locked their fingers together again at the next red light, and Tiffany thought that
maybe Taeyeon really was trying to break free of her own monster. Or perhaps she already
succeeded.
She thought so even more when Taeyeon stepped up behind her while she was looking into
her fridge, and wrapped her arms around her waist and leaned their bodies together.
Having the warmth of another person pressed against her own body was not something
Tiffany was completely unfamiliar with, but it was not something that she experienced often,
either. She had slept in the same bed with Taeyeon before and woken up from her
exhausted sleep to find limbs everywhere. She and Taeyeon had shared the same simple
skinship that others had. And yet there was a difference here, again, with the way Taeyeon’s
palms brushed over her hips and her fingers curled against her stomach.
“What are you doing?” Tiffany asked quietly. Her monster tensed, and so did she.
“All you have in your fridge is an avocado,” Taeyeon remarked. Her voice was unusually
close and it took Tiffany a moment to adjust.
Her mind began to influence her to move away, and then her mind let her sink into
Taeyeon’s hold, and then the monster tried to pull her, and then the monster’s grip slipped.
And then Taeyeon turned her around and kissed her. There was no pause, no intense look,
barely even a breath – she just brought their mouths together and hugged Tiffany’s lips with
her own. Her thumbs brushed over Tiffany’s lower back, spreading some warmth through
the thin fabric of her shirt, and she pressed her lips tighter against Tiffany’s.
“Just focus on me,” she murmured, and the vibration of her speech reached Tiffany’s mouth.
“Mmm,” Tiffany said for some reason that she was not aware of. Her eyes were still open
and she looked at Taeyeon’s face, everywhere in her vision, before closing her eyes and
frowning slightly.
“Focus on me,” Taeyeon repeated. And then she began to really kiss her.
For a time, it was as if the monster was gone; there was Taeyeon, there was Tiffany.
Taeyeon rubbed and tugged at Tiffany’s lips with her own and her fingers stroked Tiffany’s
back. Tiffany took a deep breath, shuddering, and felt as if she was inhaling Taeyeon. Her
hands clutched at Taeyeon, pulling her closer, curling her arms around her body tightly. She
imagined for a moment that Taeyeon was where the monster used to be, and she pressed
their bodies together and desperately wanted Taeyeon to be inside her soul.

[43]

Taeyeon didn’t pull away when Tiffany cried. She dragged her lips over the corner of
Tiffany’s mouth and up along her cheek, and she kissed the tears, taking the wetness into
her own mouth. Her hands spread flat and strong against Tiffany’s back, fingers pressing
along her spine between her shoulder blades and lower, anchoring her and holding her
there.
“I love you,” Taeyeon breathed as if the words escaped her heart with the exhalation of her
lungs. The warmth coated Tiffany’s skin. “You are not your monster.”
Tiffany pushed herself against Taeyeon first, shaking, and then she pulled herself away. Her
eyelids fluttered open, and her gaze was solemn. Taeyeon met her eyes with her own quiet
earnestness, and they both knew what the other was struggling with.
Tiffany’s monster returned, and its heaviness sunk into her, and she got a feeling in her
heart much like the realization that her life had just ended. She shook her head, and she
blinked; there was the monster, there was Taeyeon. Both were causing her to fight against
the world and against herself – but one wanted the power and the fame and the
acknowledgement of the world’s attention and adoration, and one wanted her.
Tiffany closed her eyes, and Taeyeon held her, and the monster goaded.
She whispered, “This is not what I wanted.”
__________________________________________________________________________________

[44]

Steps
__________________________________________________________________________________

Taeyeon didn’t waste time cleaning the table. She stacked the smudged shot glasses and
picked them up in one hand before taking the bowl of pretzel crumbs and adding it on top
of the stack. Balancing carefully, she tugged the cloth from her half-apron’s front pocket and
began the equally delicate manoeuvre of wiping the table while avoiding the dark red hair of
the lightly snoring woman whose cheek was pressed against the wooden surface.
She had passed out a while ago, stopping mid-sentence and fluttering her eyelids before
clonking onto the table. Whatever she had been talking about must have drained the last of
her energy, considering the physical requirements of exasperatedly waving arms and
recovering from falling from chairs, and the emotional requirements of wailing about some
man who apparently would not recognise a woman who was not a whore if she bit him on
the ass. Taeyeon had considered this briefly, contemplating the nature of a woman who
went around biting men on their posteriors, before deciding the statement was logically
flawed.
With one last glance at the woman’s sleeping, slightly drooling face, Taeyeon took the
remnants of the woman’s last round of shots and devoured pretzels to the bar. It was long
past closing time and even the other staff had gone home, fed up with waiting for the
woman to wake up. Taeyeon had taken responsibility for her; somewhat believing that it
was possible to wake her up. This conviction had been mistaken, as the woman was far
beyond any human contact.
Taeyeon dried the last shot glass, now clean, and added it to the collection of others. She
gave a brief whistle as she tossed the cloth over her shoulder, not bothering to check if it
landed in the little laundry basket behind the bar because she knew it always did.
She made her way over to the dozing woman. She stood by the table. She crossed her arms.
“If only my telepathic powers could work on demand,” she said sadly, tilting her head to one
side. “I’m pretty sure that’s the only way to wake you up, lady.”
She reached out and poked the woman on the shoulder. The response came in form of a
snort and renewed snoring.
“Or is that telekinesis?” Taeyeon wondered. “Maybe telekinesis would help.”
She poked the woman on the shoulder again and didn’t even get a snort this time. With a
sigh, she straightened up and crossed her arms over her chest once again, regarding the
unconscious woman like a Rubik’s Cube.
[45]

“Let’s see now. If I was drunk and asleep in a strange bar, what would wake me up?”
Taeyeon spent several minutes pondering the hypothetical situation before deciding it was
once again logically flawed because alcohol made Taeyeon go all funny in the tummy so she
would be in hospital getting her stomach pumped rather than sleeping in the bar.
Having reached this conclusion, Taeyeon decided to push the woman off the chair and see
what happened.
A loud ringing stopped her before she had put her strength into the push, causing her to
jerkily paw at the woman’s shoulder as she jumped in shock. Her eyes traced the source of
the ringing to the large, expensive-looking handbag on the floor. Sensing an opportunity to
leave the woman in someone else’s care, she pounced on the bag.
After much struggling with the bag, finding out a flap was actually just for decoration,
yanking the zip in a way that made it jam rather than cruise open, sticking her hand inside
only to be jabbed by some massive bunch of keys and finally almost ripping the bag in half
out of desperation, Taeyeon located the cell-phone which was smothered in a pink cover.
Fearing the end of the potential call before it had even begun, Taeyeon almost broke a nail
trying to open the pink cover and smeared her thumb all over the screen in all the possible
ways that could answer a touch-screen phone call.
“Hello?!” she screamed, pushing the phone against her ear only to realise it was upside
down, which made her scramble to turn it around and drop it and try to pick it up only to
drop it again before she finally, at last, answered the call.
“….Hello?” came the voice from the phone. “Tiffany? Are you okay?”
“Um, yes, hello, this is Taeyeon,” stated Taeyeon. “The owner of this phone is kind of passed
out here and I was -”
“Oh my god, did she just go get drunk again?! I told her that wouldn’t help! She could’ve at
least told me!”
“Uh, yeah, but I was hoping that -”
“Look, don’t let her know how much she drank when she wakes up, okay? Finding out
always makes her even more depressed.”
“Well, okay, but do you think you could -”
“Oh and make sure to take her shoes off before too long, her feet always kill her when she
wakes up with them on.”

[46]

Taeyeon glanced at the unconscious woman’s feet. Noticing the exact height of the pink
heels, she raised her eyebrows and was not the slightest bit surprised that such things
would hurt. She shook her head, focussing back on the phone call.
“Could you just –”
“Anyway if she’s not going to be meeting me tonight then I guess I’ll just find something else
to do,” there came a sigh.
“Ah but -”
“Tell her to call me back, okay?”
“Okay, um-”
But the mysterious caller had hung up some time after the letter “k” left Taeyeon’s lips and
Taeyeon was left staring into space.
“Aha! I can call back!”
She took the phone away from her ear and eagerly looked at the screen. However, the
screen had locked after the call ended and Taeyeon was faced with a small wall of numbers.
With a dejected sigh, she gently closed the cover of the phone and safely stored it in the
ruffled-looking bag.
She stood up again and dusted herself off before turning to face the woman again.
“Either you do this a lot or your friend is a bit of a frenemy,” she commented, accepting the
sound silence that followed.
The woman even stopped snoring.
Taeyeon frowned and leaned closer, looking at her face.
“So, Tiffany, right?” she mumbled.
Quietly, she brushed a lock of hair from the Tiffany’s face. The woman was still sleeping, and
it didn’t seem like she was any closer to waking.
Taeyeon smirked suddenly. “Hey there sexy, what’s a place like you doing in a girl like this?”
Then there was the sound of clapping and light wheezing as Taeyeon cracked up laughing,
rolling on the floor.
A murmuring sound came from Tiffany, who shifted in her chair.

[47]

Taeyeon jumped up, eyes locked onto the woman. Tiffany shifted again, bringing a slow
hand up to half-heartedly run through her hair. The other hand pushed against the table
and she made herself sit up with difficulty, slumping backwards in the chair.
Taeyeon gazed at Tiffany’s face. The woman had fallen asleep again, sprawled over the chair,
lips parted and arms hanging limply by her sides.
“So close,” Taeyeon whispered. “Why isn’t there a spell for waking up drunken ladies?”
Briefly imagining the world of Harry Potter with the addition of such a spell, Taeyeon
released a little giggle. Then turning serious again, she looked at Tiffany.
“Sadly, Tiffany, I am short,” Taeyeon began. “I’m only saying this because I know you’re not
listening. So anyway, I can’t carry you anywhere. And no, I’m not calling you fat.”
Taeyeon ran her eyes over Tiffany’s figure and silently declared that ‘fat’ was certainly not a
word she would use to describe Tiffany’s body at all.
“Maybe the invigorating scent of Colombian coffee will rouse you from your slumber.”
With hope, Taeyeon produced a fine cup of coffee and placed it strategically so that the
caffeinated fumes would envelop Tiffany’s senses. She waved her hands a little, blowing the
coffee breeze a little stronger towards Tiffany.
To her delight, Tiffany stirred and blearily opened her eyes.
“Ugh, gross.”
And Tiffany clenched her eyes shut again and fell off the chair.
Taeyeon rushed to her side, helping her sit up again.
“Are you okay?” she asked worriedly.
Tiffany had a hand on her head, squinting around, and turned her squint to lock on to
Taeyeon at the question.
“Uh, I don’t know,” she replied. “What….Who are you?”
Taeyeon grinned. “My name is Taeyeon. You’re Tiffany.”
Tiffany squinted even more, if it was possible, and looked a little lost. “Um…?”
“Oh, your friend called a little while ago. I didn’t catch her name. She says you should call
her back and she seemed rather disappointed that you were unavailable to hang out
tonight.”
Tiffany groaned, letting herself fall back onto the floor and covering her face with her hands.
[48]

“Whatever. What time is it?”
Taeyeon consulted her Toy Story watch. “About half past three in the morning.”
Tiffany groaned again. “Great.”
They shared a silence for a moment and Taeyeon’s muscles started to ache from her halfcrouching half-kneeling position. She settled herself cross-legged on the floor and gazed at
Tiffany.
“So, now that you’re awake, will you be able to go home?”
Tiffany sighed. “I guess.”
She parted her fingers to look at Taeyeon and a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.
“You look like such a kid. Who did you say you were?”
Taeyeon smiled, well accustomed to that comment. “I’m Taeyeon. I work here.”
Tiffany raised herself onto her elbows and regarded Taeyeon with that half-smile.
“Really? Well, thanks. For hanging around and letting me sleep here. And answering my
phone, I guess.”
“Well, I had hoped your friend might be able to come get you, but she didn’t seem to think I
might be a serial killer or something. Which is an okay perception to have of people
generally but I would have thought in this situation it was a tad flippant. Is it that I sound
like a kid over the phone, just like how I look like a kid?”
Tiffany grinned. “You don’t sound like a kid to me. You’re funny, Taeyeon. I heard your little
pick up line, by the way. Cute.”
Taeyeon blushed. “Oh, um… Sorry about that. I’ve just always wanted to say that to a
gorgeous girl in a bar. Figured it would be a nice change from the usual pick-up lines they
must get.”
“It was,” Tiffany said softly. “I like it. Thanks.”
Taeyeon looked anywhere but at Tiffany, finding herself feeling nervous. “Should I call a taxi
for you or something?”
Tiffany shook her head, starting to get up from the floor. “No, it’s fine. I recently moved in
to a place at that apartment block right around the corner.”
“Oh,” said Taeyeon, jumping up. “Well, let me walk you home. I, um, I live there too.”

[49]

Tiffany grinned, a genuine full grin that made her eyes curve into lines and she clapped her
hands together happily. “Great!”
Walking with Tiffany made the darkness easier to bear. Taeyeon noticed the difference, the
way Tiffany made everything brighter and more fulfilling. Not that she had ever been
displeased with her environment, but Taeyeon found something new in the way Tiffany
hopped every now and then and smiled as she talked about the stars and cooed at a stray
cat that ran across the road.
It was nice.
There was none of the anguish Tiffany carried with her when she entered the bar to drink
herself away. Whatever had been plaguing her, it seemed forgotten as she walked down the
block with Taeyeon. Sweet Taeyeon, who laughed at her jokes and paid attention to what
she said and just calmly walked beside her with her backpack hanging over one shoulder
and her Toy Story watch glinting in the light of the streetlamps.
“So how long have you lived around here?” Tiffany asked, running a hand through her hair
and adjusting the strap of her handbag.
Taeyeon thought. “Must be almost five years now.”
Tiffany looked at her, surprised. “Five years? But then, you must have moved here right
after high school!”
Taeyeon nodded. “That’s right.”
“To the very same apartment where you’re living now?”
Taeyeon smiled. “Yes, that’s the one.”
“Sorry, I’m just surprised…Those apartments aren’t expensive but they aren’t cheap either.
Do you have roommates or something?”
“I had two. One moved out a while ago and the other is in New York for a couple of years.”
“Oh, wow… So you’re alone now?”
Taeyeon gave her a sly look. “Yes, I am. You sound like you’re about to case the joint.”
Tiffany laughed. “It’s not like that. I live alone too. We should hang out some time.”
Taeyeon took a long look at Tiffany as they neared the apartment building. This woman had
gone from drunk and unconscious to bright-eyed and cheerful at an impressive rate. She
thought of what had driven her to drink, and what her friend had said that made it seem like
this wasn’t the first time she had been in such a situation.
“Yeah,” she said, cutting through her own lazy thoughts. “We should hang out.”
[50]

They reached the lobby of the apartment building and stood together by the elevator,
waiting for it to arrive.
“Thanks again, Taeyeon,” Tiffany said softly. “If it wasn’t for you, I hate to think what could
have happened to me.”
Taeyeon cocked her head to one side. “It’s no problem. And there’s no need to make it
sound like you were in some terrible danger.”
Tiffany grinned. “Still. You saved me. Thanks for helping me out.”
She pulled Taeyeon into a light hug. Taeyeon was startled, but found her arms loosely
reciprocating the move anyway. It wasn’t that she was unused to this kind of contact, it was
probably more the fact that Tiffany was really warm and soft and comfortable. In her mind,
Taeyeon decided it was definitely most likely to be the best hug she had experienced to date.
The elevator arrived and Tiffany pulled away, and Taeyeon smiled.
“What floor are you on?” Tiffany asked, hand hovering over the panel of buttons.
“Third floor.”
Tiffany’s eyes widened in surprise. “No way. Third floor? I’m on the third floor too…”
Taeyeon frowned curiously. “Really? Wow… Why didn’t I ever notice you moving in?”
“It’s a pre-furnished apartment so I only had a few boxes… huh, what a coincidence.”
She gave a little laugh and jabbed at the third floor button. They stood next to each other as
the doors closed and jointly eyed the numbers above the door as the elevator moved.
Taeyeon suddenly remembered again that the woman she was talking with had been passed
out less than an hour ago, and she examined her from the corner of her eye. Tiffany was still
smiling slightly, gazing up at the numbers quite happily. She stood straight and didn’t seem
drunk anymore at all. Taeyeon raised her eyebrows in wonderment, just as the elevator
came to a standstill. She thought perhaps Tiffany did get in these kinds of situations all too
often.
They stepped out of the elevator and realised they were going in different directions down
the hallway. Stopping, they faced each other again.
“Well, then, I guess this is goodnight,” said Taeyeon. “It was nice to meet you, Tiffany.”
Tiffany grinned. “It was nice to meet you too, Taeyeon. Thanks again for your help.”
“No problem,” Taeyeon answered, and she meant it.

[51]

Looking after Tiffany had been quite a task at first but she had no regrets about deciding to
take responsibility for the woman’s safety when it became such an interesting little
adventure. They stood together under the pale lights of the hallway and shuffled a little on
the beige carpet.
“We’ll hang out again, right?” Tiffany asked, still grinning.
Taeyeon nodded. “Of course.”
Taeyeon gazed down at her scuffed Converse sneakers and felt her lips curling into a little
smile. She felt Tiffany’s eyes on her. Neither of them was going anywhere.
“Unless,” Taeyeon began, glancing up at Tiffany again, “Unless maybe you’d like some hot
chocolate. To help you feel better.”
Tiffany’s eyes curved with her response. “I think that would be very nice.”
Taeyeon blinked as she unlocked her apartment door and flicked on the lights inside. At
some point, her mind reminded her that the person she was holding her door open for was
a stranger she had met in a bar; but Taeyeon didn’t feel that way. It was nice to be with
Tiffany, therefore she went ahead and showed her where she could leave her bag and her
shoes, and led her to the kitchen.
“So, where did you go to university?” Tiffany asked, as they sipped on their hot chocolate,
leaning against Taeyeon’s clean white-topped kitchen counter.
Taeyeon shook her head. “I didn’t.”
Tiffany raised her eyebrows, watching Taeyeon blow a little air onto her hot chocolate
before taking a sip. Taeyeon noticed and gave her a smile.
“When I moved here, I needed to work full time to afford it, even with my room-mates,” she
said nonchalantly. “I was never particularly interested in going to university anyway, so I felt
no loss.”
“Oh. So, where did you work? Always at that bar?”
“No, I’ve only worked there for a year now. When I first came here I worked in a pet shop,
then a book store, then a café, then a hotel, and finally the bar.”
“Wow, that’s quite a list.”
Taeyeon chuckled. “I like it. Sticking with the same job for too long gets boring for me. How
about you? What do you do and what have you done?”
Tiffany took a quiet sip of her hot chocolate before answering. She stared down at the floor
for a while and absently noticed Taeyeon’s kind patience.
[52]

“Well, I’m working at that big advertising company a few blocks away, managing the
accounts,” she started, tucking her hair behind her ear as she spoke. “But, um… It isn’t really
what I want to do. I don’t know what I want to do. I studied Business at university, but I
don’t really know why I did that either.”
She laughed briefly, then bit her bottom lip, and took a gulp of her hot chocolate a little too
fast. She gasped, almost choking, and felt the burn on her tongue from the drink. Taeyeon
was suddenly by her side, holding out a glass of water, a tea towel in her other hand, and a
determined expression on her face that made Tiffany want to crush her in a hug.
With a sheepish look, Tiffany drank the water gratefully, letting Taeyeon take her mug from
her hand and gently wipe the tiny droplets of hot chocolate from where they had spilled
onto her arm.
“It’s okay,” Taeyeon said softly. “Not everyone knows what to do.”
Tiffany examined Taeyeon’s face, taking in the peaceful expression and restful gaze, and felt
her heart make a strange little extra-hard thump.
“Thanks,” she said, her eyes curving up again as she smiled. “Thanks for everything,
Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon reflected the smile. “No problem, Tiffany. No problem at all.”
They stood in the hallway again, this time on the other end of it, by the door to Tiffany’s
apartment. That side of the hallway had the token potted plant, huddled in the corner with
its big greenish leaves. The apartment building was quiet, which was natural considering it
was almost dawn, and Taeyeon watched as Tiffany put her key in the lock and turned it, but
didn’t open the door.
“We should exchange numbers,” said Tiffany. “I really… I liked spending time with you,
Taeyeon.”
“Me too,” said Taeyeon. “Next time we hang out, I look forward to finding out more about
you.”
Tiffany looked down. Her immediate thought was that Taeyeon probably wanted to know
what had happened that led to their meeting; what man had affected her in such a way that
she wanted to drink to no end.
She bit her bottom lip, thoughtful. Then she kept her gaze on the carpet as she spoke.
“Um, he’s a guy from the company where I work,” she said quietly. “He’s the head of the
department. He’s a really charming guy, really, but… apparently I’m not good enough to
even be seen with him. He just played with me. And I’m such an idiot for believing

[53]

everything he said again and again, for believing in the future he painted for me. God, I’m so
stupid.”
Taeyeon gazed at the woman in front of her, who was letting her heart leak out little by
little. She reached out and put a comforting hand on Tiffany’s arm, giving her a gentle
squeeze and a warm smile.
“He’s the idiot,” she said. “He’s stupid, for playing with you, and for wasting a chance to be
with you. I may not have known you very long and met you in a bar when you were
unconscious, but even I can see you’re better than what he thinks of you and you deserve to
be treated better.”
She moved her hand away again and shuffled awkwardly.
“So, um, don’t drink so much anymore,” she said. “It’s dangerous, you know? And he’s not
worth it.”
Tiffany looked at Taeyeon with shining eyes that had not shed their tears, and grinned.
“It seems like I’m going to spend a lot of time thanking you, Taeyeon,” she remarked.
“You’ve helped me once again. I never thought I would end up spilling my problems in front
of someone I’ve just met.”
Taeyeon laughed. “I think it’s safe to say that we’re friends now, Tiffany. Now give me your
number and go to sleep, you’ve had quite a night and I don’t understand how you’re even
standing right now.”
As Tiffany collapsed on her bed a short while later, she thought of how different she felt
after that night, and how memories of that man’s smirk was replaced with Taeyeon’s kind
smile and the continuous cute look on her face.
Taeyeon had barely set her head down to rest when she was woken by the sound of raucous
banging on her door. Or at least, it seemed like it had been no time at all and it seemed like
the banging was a barrage of buffalos when in fact it was almost noon and someone was
politely knocking on her door. Despite having had nothing to drink, Taeyeon often felt like
an invalid when she woke up in the morning, always wishing she could have slept longer,
and today was no different; in fact, staying up until almost dawn no doubt worsened her
state.
She blearily made her way to her front door, bumping her shoulder against the doorway of
her room, hitting her knee on the coffee table in her living room, and stubbing her toe
against her shoes by the door.
She clawed at the locks on the door and eventually managed to get them unlocked.

[54]

The short blonde-haired girl on the other side raised an eyebrow at the sight of Taeyeon
slumped against the door with her eyes almost totally closed.
“Can I help you?” Taeyeon slurred.
“Ew,” commented the girl. “Are you just waking up? It’s almost noon already, you know.”
Taeyeon huffed. “Cool. Is that all?”
The girl clicked her tongue. “It’s me. Sunny! Remember? Your bestest friend in the whole
world?”
Taeyeon cracked her eyes open a little further and examined the person giving her a
sarcastic smirk. She straightened up a little and huffed again.
“Nope, have no idea,” she answered carelessly.
Sunny rolled her eyes and slapped her on the shoulder. “Whatever. I’m back from New York
for a month. Super surprise!”
Sunny spread her arms wide and gave Taeyeon a radiant grin. Taeyeon stared blankly at her
best friend and only briefly glanced at the mental image of Tiffany’s radiant grin in the back
of her mind. At another time she may have tried to compare the two, but in her half-asleep
state she was pretty certain no one could compete with Tiffany.
She shot up, standing up straight and her eyes snapped open. Memories from the night
before came rushing back and she found herself smiling, remembering that she had made a
new friend who even lived on the same floor as she did and had the best smile and gave the
best hugs.
Sunny let her arms fall to her sides. “Did something just bite you on your flat butt or did you
finally realise how much you missed your sexy, hilarious, genius best friend?”
Taeyeon looked at Sunny. She waved a hand dismissively and stepped aside to let her in,
watching as her best friend shook her head sadly and dragged her sleek black suitcase inside.
“You’re still a weird one, I see,” she commented, throwing herself onto the couch and
kicking off her shoes. “How are you, kid?”
Taeyeon picked up Sunny’s scattered shoes and neatly placed them beside her own pair
before joining her on the couch and flopping her legs onto Sunny’s lap. Sunny grimaced and
tried to push them off, leading them into a playful tussle that ended with pinching each
other really hard and hissing in pain before laughing.
“You shouldn’t call me a kid, you know,” Taeyeon said. “You’re more childish than I am.”
Sunny scoffed. “Oh please. You still have that Toy Story watch, right?”
[55]

Taeyeon pouted. “So? It’s a good watch. Buzz is really good at telling time.”
“And the Despicable Me pillow?”
“Those Minions are a really good shape for a pillow…”
“And the Harry Potter toothbrush?”
“It’s really funny to brush my teeth with a Firebolt, you know!”
Sunny grinned. “You are a kid.”
Taeyeon shrugged. “Not everyone thinks so, I’ll have you know.”
“Sure, maybe people who’ve only known you for less than a second might think that.”
Taeyeon gave Sunny a shove. “Actually, people who’ve hung out with me for as much as two
hours know that I’m not a kid.”
Sunny glanced at her friend, who was smiling quietly to herself and staring at her own hands.
Her jaw dropped; she pushed at Taeyeon’s shoulder and then moved to latch on to her,
putting her in a headlock and making her squeal.
“What the heck -”
“You met someone, didn’t you?!” Sunny exclaimed, almost strangling her.
“Could you not kill me pl-”
“You almost never make new friends of your own free will!”
“You’re really suffocating me yo-”
“I leave you alone for three months and you make a new friend?!”
“I can’t actually breathe so-”
“This is a momentous occasion! You have to tell me everything!”
“But I can’t speak bec-”
“I bet it’s a girl, you suck at making friends with boys!”
“Hey that’s not re-”
“She has to be a total dork otherwise how would this happen?!”
“Not really-”
“Where did you meet her, at the toy store?!”
[56]

Sunny guffawed loudly at her own joke and Taeyeon took the opportunity to have a little
sulk before removing herself from her friend’s grip. She crossed her arms across her chest
and moved to sit at the opposite end of the couch.
When Sunny finally stopped laughing, she moved over to Taeyeon and put her arm around
her slumped shoulders.
“Okay, tell me all about her.”
Taeyeon shook her head. “No. You’re too mean.”
Sunny grinned and gave her a squeeze. “Come on, kid, don’t be like that now. You know I
have to tease you, it’s my duty. I have a responsibility, a moral obligation to-”
“Okay, whatever, just stop,” Taeyeon interrupted. “You’re killing me here.”
She gave Sunny a particularly hard pinch on the hand that hung off her shoulder, watching
triumphantly as her friend hissed and retracted her arm. In response to the subsequent
death glare, she poked her tongue out in victory.
“Her name is Tiffany,” said Taeyeon, leaning back against the arm rest of the couch. “She
was in the bar last night, and got a bit too drunk. By closing time she was still passed out at
her table so I let everyone else go home and said I’d take care of her.”
Sunny looked dubious already. “This is how you met? Last night, while she was wasted?”
“Yes, but… Just listen, okay?”
Sunny shrugged and let her continue.
“So when she finally woke up, it turned out we lived in the same building so I said I’d walk
her home. She’s really nice, you know, and she’s the one who told me I don’t sound like a
kid, even though I look like one sometimes -”
“Wait, she actually told you that you look like a kid? Ha! I like this girl.”
“Shut up. Anyway, we talked and when we got here it turned out she lives on the same floor.
So, we hung out for a while and she’s really cool and I’m not lame and if you tell me I’m a
cute kid I will punch you in the gut.”
Sunny grinned. “Well, you said it, not me. So, you made friends with some random drunken
lady from the bar? I am really surprised and confused.”
Taeyeon smiled to herself. “She’s really great, Sunny. I had a good time getting to know
more about her.”
Sunny narrowed her eyes at her friend. She shifted closer again and gave Taeyeon a few
deliberate pats on the head.
[57]

“You better be careful, kid, you’re actually growing up.”
Taeyeon frowned. “Just because I managed to make friends with someone without you
forcing me to?”
Sunny smirked. “Something like that. So, she’s that great, huh? I would hazard a guess that
she’s quite pretty.”
“She’s gorgeous! So beautiful, and when she smiles her face lights up and her eyes curve
into these lines and -”
“Okay, kid,” Sunny interrupted. “Calm yourself. Introduce me to her while I’m here
sometime.”
“Sure.”
Sunny took a long look at her best friend, making Taeyeon shift a little and look confused.
Then she pulled her in for a tight hug and sighed.
“I’ll get back from New York and you’ll be all grown up,” she muttered. “What will I do? Who
will I bully and prank and torture and tease -”
“Yeah okay, geez. Leave me alone.”
Sunny broke the hug with another grin and got up from the couch to stretch intensively.
“Anyway, I’m all cramped from flying, so I’m going to go lie down. My room’s still the same,
right?”
Taeyeon nodded. “Yeah. And I swear I didn’t touch your spare DS, as promised in
accordance with your death threats.”
Sunny looked smug. “Excellent. I shall now retire, peasant. Try to at least get out of those
fluffy teddy bear pyjamas at some point today, okay?”
She skipped away to her room, cackling, and left Taeyeon to sulk on the couch.
A hesitant knock sounded on the front door and Taeyeon looked up curiously. She glanced
at the clock on her wall and supposed it wasn’t really weird to have a visitor after noon.
Tiffany gave her a bright smile as soon as the door was open, and she smiled even more
when she saw Taeyeon in her teddy bear pyjamas.
“Good afternoon, or should I say good morning?”
Taeyeon followed Tiffany’s eyes and remembered what she was wearing. A blush rose on
her cheeks and she cleared her throat.
“Hi,” she said. “Um, sorry about the pyjamas, I kind of slept late.”
[58]

“Understandable. I only woke up a couple of hours ago myself… Anyway, um, are you busy?”
“Not really. I don’t have work until six so I was intending to lie around like a bum and eat all
day.”
Tiffany laughed. “I don’t blame you.”
How Tiffany was even able to be up and beaming and happy was a mystery, but then
Taeyeon realised the change in her own demeanour from her usual morning blob. Another
look at Tiffany’s face set off a spark in Taeyeon’s chest that she guessed must have been
fuelling her.
“Do you want to do something?” Taeyeon asked, shuffling absently. “Or something?”
“Something or something, huh? Tough choice.”
Taeyeon looked away and laughed briefly. “Sorry…”
Tiffany gave her a gentle look. “Don’t be so awkward, Taeyeon. I’d love to do something. Is
there anything you have in mind?”
“Well, it’s around lunch time so how about we go get some food?”
“Sounds great. You won’t be wearing those teddy bear pyjamas, will you? Bit of a daring
fashion choice but then again, it might become the next trend.”
Taeyeon laughed, tugging at the sleeve of her pyjama top. “I’ll go get changed. You can
come in and wait if you want?”
“Sure.”
Watching Tiffany walk in and move around as if she was there all the time made Taeyeon
smile. She noticed Tiffany’s curious glance at the new pair of shoes.
“Remember that room-mate I told you about? She’s back from New York for a surprise visit.”
“Oh? That’s great. Is she here now? I’d love to meet her!”
“She’s resting right now. Maybe after we have lunch we can come bother her, I would love
to do that.”
Tiffany giggled. “We should do that.”
Once Taeyeon had changed into less of a fashion statement, they made their way down the
hall and took the elevator. Tiffany was more than happy to spend the time chatting about
how her friend had reacted when she finally called her back after waking up, and the way
the conversation had mostly regarded the abandoned friend’s tragic fate of having to watch
a really bad 80’s movie on TV since her best friend ditched her to get drunk. Taeyeon
[59]

laughed and expressed her continued amusement at the friend’s lack of concern about
Tiffany’s safety.
“Oh, she’s alright really,” Tiffany said quickly. “Jessica’s just a little… Well, she doesn’t do so
well with expressing her feelings unless it’s a really big deal. But I know she cares about me.
Leaving me at the bar last night… Well, maybe that was her little revenge for not being able
to spend time with me lately because of…that guy.”
Tiffany looked down at the floor as they reached the doors leading out of the building’s
lobby. Thoughts of that man made her steps falter and she became distracted as she
remembered all the reasons why she had gone to the bar last night.
Taeyeon put a hand on Tiffany’s shoulder and gave her a warm smile. “Well it’s okay now.
So, where do you want to eat?”
Tiffany returned Taeyeon’s expression. One good thing that had come out of her experience
at the bar was her new friend, and no matter how bad she was feeling about that part of her
past, the enjoyment of spending her present with Taeyeon brought her back.
Shaking her head, she brushed the thoughts away for now. Shooting another grin at
Taeyeon, she lightly took hold of her hand and tugged her out of the building.
“I know a great place!”
Taeyeon wasn’t sure if it counted as a date or not, but by the fifth time they went out
together she was pretty sure it was a date. In fact, she was pretty sure she could have
counted all their outings as dates and that they were dating each other, which kind of
freaked her out because they had all five dates in the space of two weeks and that seemed
fast – perhaps too fast, considering they were only thinking of each other as friends just a
short time ago – but then again they were moving fast since the moment they met. Not to
mention the confusion, the insecurity, and some more confusion. Was Tiffany always okay
with dating girls? All Taeyeon knew about her dating history was the man who played her
and broke her heart. And if she was okay with dating girls, why would she be dating Taeyeon,
whom she clearly (in Taeyeon’s opinion) outranked in every way? And were they even really
dating or was this something else completely?
She replayed every moment of their time together so far. She opened the door for Tiffany at
the café three times, Tiffany looked down shyly while she laughed fifteen times, Taeyeon
touched Tiffany’s arm eight times, Tiffany brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear twelve
times, and flirting – how much of their conversations could be considered flirting? And their
body language must have been sending messages – Taeyeon’s head was spinning and she
remembered why she didn’t find it easy to make friends. Her brain thought too much.

[60]

Taeyeon eyed Tiffany out of the corner of her eye. They were in the cinema theatre, a film
running on the screen without Taeyeon’s attention, the flickering of the light casting playful
shadows on Tiffany’s features.
Obviously she wouldn’t mind if they were dating, if she just took it so lightly, but she had
gotten to know Tiffany quite well by now and there were a few things that worried her.
“Tiffany,” she whispered.
Tiffany didn’t hear, staring at the movie.
“Tiffany,” Taeyeon whispered again.
Tiffany frowned, turned her head but kept her eyes on the screen for a while longer, and
then met Taeyeon’s gaze. “What?”
“Are we dating?”
Tiffany leaned closer. “What? I can’t hear you.”
“Are we,” Taeyeon started, and the paused for a moment to move her mouth next to
Tiffany’s ear, “Are we dating?”
“Um,” said Tiffany. She moved away, eyes wide, and said again, “Um.”
Taeyeon’s eyes widened in response, echoing her expression, and she said, “Uh, wait, I,
uh….”
“Um,” Tiffany repeated. “Yes?”
“Y-yes?” Taeyeon stuttered. “Yes, what yes? You mean… yes?”
“Yes.” Tiffany blushed so hard the redness was almost visible in the dim light.
They stared at each other for a long time. “Okay,” Taeyeon said. They looked away again,
turning back to the movie.
Taeyeon tried to calm her racing heart. She started out with the intention of asking all the
questions necessary to clear up the situation, but the effect of Tiffany’s first answer
completely threw her off and left her with heat creeping up her neck and the constant need
to swallow nervously. So they were dating. Taeyeon was dating Tiffany. Tiffany was dating
Taeyeon. She brought a hand to her face and tried to cool her cheeks. She cleared her
throat subtly and straightened her spine.
She sat there feeling giddy for the rest of their date. She had no idea what the movie was
about, who those people were, what they were doing, how it ended – she just kept thinking
about Tiffany. There were a few things that she knew she needed to consider, all those
[61]

questions that still needed answering, but holy cow she was dating Tiffany. Tiffany whom
she only met two weeks ago, but Tiffany nonetheless. Suffice it to say she was pleased.
They held hands as they walked home from the cinema, shy and light with their touches,
and grinning like idiots.
“I can’t believe you just asked me directly like that,” Tiffany giggled. She tucked a lock of hair
behind her ear and bit her bottom lip as she looked at the ground beneath their feet. “I was
going to bring it up on the way home.”
“Ah,” Taeyeon replied, nervous, “Well actually I made a list of things I needed to ask you,
and once I make a list it’s easier for me to just get into it.”
“A list?” Tiffany looked up, curious. “What’s on the rest of the list?”
“Uh,” Taeyeon hesitated, casting her eyes upwards as she went through the list again. “Why
me?”
“Pardon?”
Taeyeon met her eyes again. She stopped walking, Tiffany stopping with her, and took
Tiffany’s other hand too.
“Why, out of all the billions of people on this planet, are you willing to date me?”
Tiffany blinked at her. Then she frowned. For a moment Taeyeon panicked – what if Tiffany
herself hadn’t considered this and the question just made her realise that Taeyeon was
beneath her notice – and her grip on Tiffany’s hands tightened. Tiffany glanced down at
their hands at this action, and gave Taeyeon a gentle smile of comfort.
“Relax, Taeyeon,” she said warmly. “Let me answer you. I’m not willing to date you. You
make it sound as if I can barely stand to look at you. I actually want to date you. I want to be
standing here right now, looking into those quiet, thoughtful eyes of yours as the light
evening breeze sends shivers down my spine and your slightly sweaty palms spread warmth
along my hands.”
Taeyeon blushed self-consciously. Her eyes darted away for a moment in embarrassment.
“Sorry about that.”
Tiffany smiled. She leaned forward, barely giving Taeyeon a chance to avoid her if she
wished, and she kissed her on the corner of her lips.
“Don’t say sorry,” Tiffany murmured, moving back slightly. “I’m still thanking you all the
time, you know.”
“I won’t feel the need to say sorry if you don’t feel the need to say thank you,” Taeyeon said.
“Deal?”
[62]

Tiffany grinned. “Deal. Now what was on the rest of your list?”
They started walking again, fingers more tightly entwined. Taeyeon brought up the
confusion surrounding the apparently inconsistent gender dynamics in Tiffany’s relationship
habits, and Tiffany hesitated before telling Taeyeon about the first girlfriend she ever had.
Her first year of university was stressful, alien, lonely. The cute girl whom she paired up with
for her first project was funny, friendly, comforting. She thought long and hard about what
she was feeling, who she was feeling it for, what it meant for herself and her future, and
decided she needed the warmth the relationship gave her. The girlfriend cheated on her in
the second semester, Tiffany cried and figured life was pretty much over, and then she
realised she could still have her future so she picked herself and went on. She didn’t look at
girls the same way as she did before her girlfriend made her think so much, and she cast her
eye over the boys again and found something similar there.
The apartment building was warm, the heat filling them up after their stroll in the growing
coldness outside. They kept smiling at each other as they rode the elevator to their floor,
and Tiffany pulled Taeyeon in for another little kiss when they stopped in the hallway.
“See you tomorrow?” she whispered, staying close.
Taeyeon kept from fainting. “Yeah. See you tomorrow.”
They saw each other every day, and at first it was awesome and then it was great and then
it was sentimentally rewarding and then Taeyeon started to get worried. Something was
different. Something didn’t feel right. Something made her concerned and a little bit afraid.
She thought back to their conversations about Tiffany’s past relationships. The most recent,
the man from work, was a total jerk who toyed with her and threw her away as if she was
nothing, while she was heavily invested and emotionally dependent on the relationship. The
two boyfriends before him dumped her for being ‘clingy’ and the girlfriend from university
cheated on her.
Taeyeon pondered. She contemplated heavily. Her mind raced over it all almost violently.
The patrons sitting by the bar ducked out of the way as she swept it with her cloth, the arc
of her movement entirely too furious for its purpose. Nuts went flying.
“Calm down there, Genghis.”
Sunny brushed away fragments of nut and seated herself on a stool. She regarded Taeyeon
curiously.
“Trouble in Paradise?” she inquired. “You know, you should have introduced her to me ages
ago; it’s almost time for me to go back to New York. I could have provided you with a
thorough assessment which would no doubt have saved you some time and grief, judging by
the pained expression on your face. Thinking of your lover?”
[63]

Taeyeon stared at her for a moment. Then she threw down the cleaning cloth and leaned
over the bar to gip Sunny’s shoulders.
“You have to help me,” she breathed. “I don’t know what’s going on. I think… I think… I
think Tiffany may have issues.”
Sunny rolled her eyes. “You have no idea how hilarious it is to hear you, of all people, saying
something like that.”
Taeyeon looked undeterred. She let go of Sunny and started pacing behind the bar. A patron
called for a refill and she poured the vodka on his Blackberry. He didn’t even know how to
react, and she went back to her pacing.
“I just,” Taeyeon began. “I just. I feel like she’s really. She’s really intense. You know? I mean,
we met and I walked her home and we bonded over her tragic breakup and regrets about
life decisions and all of a sudden we’re friends, and we started hanging out a lot, and two
weeks later we were definitely in ‘dating’ mode, and now it’s been another two weeks and I
just, I just feel like it’s all going really fast.”
“Taeyeon,” Sunny said, getting off the stool. “Wow, dude, just calm down for a second, okay?
Come on, let’s go talk in the store room.”
Taeyeon followed obediently, plucking off her half-apron and tossing it over her shoulder.
The Blackberry man barely dodged it, and still didn’t know how to react.
Sunny closed the door behind them and crossed her arms over her chest as she regarded
Taeyeon quietly for a moment.
“Do you remember how much I teased you when you first told be you and Tiffany were
dating?” Sunny asked.
Taeyeon blinked, and nodded. “Yeah. Annoying. What’s your point?”
Sunny sighed. “I don’t want you to get hurt, Taeyeon. You mean a lot to me. You’re my best
friend – no, you’re my family. I’ve got to keep you on your toes sometimes. You don’t
exactly get out much, and I know how much a relationship can stress you out, and I know
you know that too, which often makes it harder for you to be sure when there’s a real
problem. So I want you to do one thing for me. Okay?”
“Okay,” Taeyeon replied slowly. “You’re not going to make me dance on the bar and sing
ABBA songs again, are you? Because you said that would ‘keep me on my toes’ too.”
Sunny rolled her eyes. “No, this is serious now. Listening?”
“Yes.”

[64]

“Taeyeon, please just take this relationship with Tiffany one step at a time. Okay? Don’t
think about speed, or intensity, for now just think to yourself about each step that you are
taking with her. One step at a time. Then think about how you feel about each step, and the
step after, and what steps you think you are going to take or want to take. And then you
think about how fast you’re stepping, how deep your steps go. Get it?”
Taeyeon huffed, and looked away as she thought about it. “I guess. Think about each step,
right? I can do that.”
Sunny watched her for a moment. She stepped forward and took Taeyeon by the shoulders.
“That’s my girl,” she said, smiled, and hugged her. “Now go talk to Tiffany about everything
you’ve been thinking about, okay? Talk to her about every step.”
Taeyeon panicked briefly at the thought of confronting their problems, the fear of losing
Tiffany snaking around her chest. Then she made herself calm down and returned Sunny’s
hug. “Okay.”
They held each other for a while.
“How about you sing ‘Dancing Queen’ tonight?”
The memory of dancing on the bar and singing ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’ still haunted
Taeyeon later when she was cleaning up after closing time. Somehow, Sunny was eternally
capable of talking Taeyeon into doing ridiculous things, and sometimes she hated her for it
and sometimes she loved her for it. As she dialled Tiffany’s number and asked if she could
stop by when she got home, she took a moment to appreciate Sunny’s ability to talk her into
doing ridiculous things like discussing her thoughts and concerns. Then she picked up the
scrap of paper with a phone number on it, lying on the floor behind the bar where it landed
when Blackberry guy threw it during the second chorus, and decided forcefully to remain
neutral on the subject of Sunny for a while.
Tiffany was blinking away sleep when she opened the door, smiled drowsily, and pulled
Taeyeon into a tight hug.
“Hey,” Taeyeon murmured, circling her arms around Tiffany’s waist as they stood in the
doorway. “I didn’t realise you were sleeping.”
“It’s okay,” Tiffany whispered. She squeezed Taeyeon. “I’m happy to see you.”
Tiffany tugged Taeyeon inside, barely allowing her to close the door and kick off her shoes,
and pulled her along to the bed where they fell onto the mattress and she wrapped her in a
warm, comfortable embrace. Taeyeon found it easy to drift off towards sleep, as they lay in
the dark stillness with only each other’s touch and breath. But something started to nibble
at the back of her mind, and she remembered that they were meant to have a big serious
talk about their relationship.
[65]

She rolled onto her back, separating her and Tiffany slightly, and turned her head to look at
her girlfriend.
“We need to talk about something that’s been bothering me a bit,” she said softly, eyes
tracing Tiffany’s face in the dimness.
Immediately, Tiffany froze, her body tense. She blinked, and looked worried.
“Did I do something wrong?” she whispered. Her fingers grasped Taeyeon’s shirt and she
swallowed nervously. “Please don’t break up with me.”
Taeyeon softened immediately. She pulled Tiffany closer, holding her gently. “No, I’m sorry,
I didn’t mean to make you freak out. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not breaking up with
you. I… I just want to talk to you about something. It-It’s not really easy for me to talk about
some things, especially if I’ve been thinking about it a lot; it’s hard for me to have
conversations about it. But I want to be honest with you, and be more open about what
goes on in my head.”
Another step.
Tiffany sniffed quietly and held onto Taeyeon. “Okay. What’s on your mind?”
“Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?”
Tiffany shifted so that they could meet each other’s eyes. They examined each other in
silence. Then she burst into tears.
“I knew it,” she sobbed, “you want to break up, don’t you? I’m sorry, I’m so clingy, they all
say that. I’m just so stupid.”
Taeyeon panicked. Tiffany was shaking with sobs, wailing about how she would never be
loved and kept screwing everything up, and Taeyeon wasn’t sure how to make her stop.
Clearly it wasn’t what she meant – she just wanted them to talk about whether or not the
speed was likely to cause problems and if they could be prepared for it. She didn’t mean to
make Tiffany think she wanted to end their relationship. But, considering Tiffany’s past
relationships, Taeyeon wasn’t surprised that she was so convinced that Taeyeon wanted to
leave her. And that was exactly one of the things that she was afraid would become a
problem if they rushed into the relationship.
Sunny’s advice came back to her. The steps were the most important; then the speed and
depth. This was a step they were taking in their relationship. Taeyeon opened up to Tiffany
about her thoughts and feelings; Tiffany was (sort of) facing her abandonment issues. This
was a crucial step for them if they wanted to continue. They could take this step together,
and take it well, and then they could worry about how their speed might be dangerous.
Once they took this step, Taeyeon thought, perhaps the danger of their speed would
actually lessen. Now they just needed to step.
[66]

How?
“Uh,” Taeyeon hummed. “No, Tiffany, that’s not what I mea–”
“I knew this was too good to be true,” Tiffany wept, “it always-”
“Tiffany, that’s not-”
“Too clingy, too intense, too desperate–”
“Whoever said that stuff is a jerk, they’re all just jer-”
“I knew no one could ever possibly love me.”
Taeyeon was stunned. The gears in her head turned, and turned, and stopped and turned
again. Tiffany sniffled and cried a little more. Taeyeon’s silence finally got weird and she
looked at her again.
“Taeyeon?” she wondered hesitantly.
“I love you, Tiffany,” Taeyeon said. Her voice was firm, her tone determined. “Don’t you
ever say stuff like that again. You can be loved, and I love you. You’re very lovable, you
know.”
Tiffany stared. “But didn’t you just say we’re moving too fast?”
“A bit fast,” Taeyeon corrected. “I wasn’t complaining. I was just saying that I’ve been
thinking about how fast we’ve been going, and it has worried me somewhat, because I’m
scared of screwing up this relationship – me screwing it up – and losing you. So, I wanted to
know what you thought about it.”
Tiffany blinked. Taeyeon smiled.
“I don’t want to break up with you, Tiffany. I want to focus on the steps we take together.”
Tiffany swooned. She never expected to hear such words directed at her. Her exes were
jerks, Taeyeon was right, and she had no reason to think she would ever find someone who
wasn’t a jerk. But she thought back to what Taeyeon asked her when they talked about
dating, when she asked why Tiffany was willing to date her, and her answer. And she
realised how similar their feelings really were. Neither could understand how the other
could possibly deign to stoop to their humble level, and Tiffany for one always had a niggling
feeling that it was too good to be true. She was all too ready to believe Taeyeon was leaving
her, exactly as the others had.
Yet here they were. And Taeyeon had just said those three words that didn’t usually make
an appearance after only two weeks of officially dating.

[67]

Taeyeon realised it too. “I don’t want to freak you out again,” she said hurriedly. “I do love
you, but I know that’s another step we need to take together in the future sometime. So I’m
not asking you to marry me or anything. I just want you to understand that you are worthy
of love, and it’s happening with us.”
Tiffany just kissed her. She couldn’t think of a way to verbally express her feelings yet.
Steps? She could think about those all day long now. Taeyeon and Tiffany’s steps.

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[68]